I spent the whole of christmas alone and very very depressed I saw a gp on the Friday before because my pain levels are spiralling and i am really struggling with them cant seem to get it under control and because i'm on Oromorph and MST he decided the best thing to do was to increase the MST and get me off Oromorph but the oromorph kicks in quicker if i have done too much or the pain is really bad and i don't over do it with it i only use it when its bad. I said about my depression that was ignored as he didn't have psychiatrists letter. Christmas day i was supposed to go to my daughters fiancees families house but i don't like her father in law to be he is very rude and ignorant I got up had a bath and got ready then messaged her to say i couldn't do it i didn't feel i would be good company as i was so tearful. I picked up my cross stitch but as i had surgery on my hand in October then broke the hand its taking a lot to get it moving so i cant do much stitching and that is one thing i normally do which keeps me sane. I cant read because i cant focus on books at the moment. I have neighbours from hell moved in above me who have a dog that wakes me if i happen to dose off in the night the dog jumps off the bed and then he's scratching and its like someone hammering on the ceiling. I am terrified of the area i live in as there are druggies and the police are always round here for one thing or another. There is absolutely no soundproofing between the floors the flat above is private mine is council if i had know there was no soundproofing i would have never taken it i even asked and was assured it was quiet. The guy above suffers with tinnitus so has a fan going all night which in my room sounds like a helicopter (thats not an exaggeration) they moved in the Friday before christmas and i haven't had a nights sleep since. Boxing day i just couldn't stop crying i felt so lonely and just wanted to end my life so i phone the mental health team telling them i didn't want to be here and the woman said well what do you want us to do as you are at one end of the phone and we are at the other. She then asked what i normally do so i said stitch but my hand hurts so i cant do it, what else so i said read but i cant focus as my brain will not concentrate so it ended that i would put a dvd on which my daughter had bought me for christmas as much as i loved it it was a weepy so i ended up crying at that as well. The following night i really was so tempted to just take the pills i took a handful then my daughter was phoning and my best friend and all i wanted to do was sleep. the next thing i know my friend was round expecting to find me dead in the bedroom i said i was just sleeping. Obviously she was relieved that i was alive. The following morning i can honestly say i don't know whether i was relieved or disappointed. I spent the rest of the time on my own except for today. I decided to go to the drs and tell them how i was feeling and how my pain is still getting worse I even asked if they could refer me to a rheumatologist i haven't seen one in years and i haven't had any blood tests or anything done. The GP's attitude was if i was going to do it then thats unto me that there was nothing they could do to stop me. Then she said to get out for a walk. So I have a splint on one hand and walk with a crutch with the other i'm in agony and her answer is to go for a walk or go catch a bus. I was there because of the pain and mental health and to be honest i felt worse when i came out than i did when i went in. I will just be so glad when this year is over because with one thing and another that has happened i am really not sure how much more i can actually take. I was dumped in July after a 4 year relationship I had a date a couple of weeks ago and really got on with the guy and we had a couple more dates but then it stopped and yet we got on so well it just never made sense and i think because he made me laugh he made me feel better so then stopping its like another slap in the face. Sorry to go on i just needed to get it out i just feel so let down whichever way i turn i have contacted the council explaining to them the problem i was going to do a swap with a lady but they turned it down as i am not old enough to have a bungalow in Bournemouth you have to be 60 it was so perfect as well. 3 of my 4 children now live in Leicester and my daughter is going once she has married in May. So i am in two minds as to whether to go there because i will miss my daughter so much and i don't want another christmas on my own. Has anyone tried mindfulness at all? Thanks for reading if you've not got bored by now. I would like to wish everyone on here a Very Happy New Year and may you all find some peace and let up of pain in the new year. Thanks especially to the admins on here who do a wonderful job.
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