Why do I beat myself up so much?

[NWG23]

They don't call me complex for nothing! I have had quite an eye opener into myself in the last week. 8 weeks ago I finally gave in and went on to antidepressants for anxiety and depression. I feel so much better and I'm sleeping right through the night now. I have struggled for the last two years worrying about what people think about me. There has been one big issue that has upset me deeply about something that was said about me by someone I thought I could trust. I have allowed this to eat away at me making me ill . I have imagined ill feeling even from friends and been really prickly around acquaintances FOR 2 YEARS -what a waste of life! On Thursday I saw the Psychotherapist for the first time having been referred to her in December but she said as I'm better its best not to dredge it all up again so discharged me after a 40 minute chat. From there I popped in on a friend who I have been upset with. We talked and I cried and I realised that all that's been wrong is that she doesn't need people like I do. She likes me, enjoys seeing me when I pop in but she, unlike me, enjoys her own company. She apologised for being like that and said she'd missed me. I was a bit sarcastic when she said all the right things like see you soon and I've missed you because she's said those things before. I suppose she has taken my friendship for granted but that doesn't mean she doesn't like me. I've been hurting for 2 years because she was the one who told me what had been said about me and I've thought that was why she seemed to distance herself. Seems I've had it all wrong. Then today I had a heart to heart with another friend who upset me 6 weeks ago and discovered that there was nothing behind the reaction I perceived there to be during a conversation. So that's sorted. However, I'm obviously very easily upset, allow things to fester and just don't cope with stuff very well and make myself ill. I just wish I was different. I think we fibromites can be a bit too sensitive and are prone to depression because of it then we get all the aches and pains and the tummy upsets. It's been a revelation but I don't like being so complex!

[fenbadger]

Hmm. Maybe it's because you're basically nice. Ever thought of that? I know it's tricky to make a value judgement on a few written words. No body language, no tone of voice. Which they tell us is 75% of communication.

Please don't beat yourself up about it. Move on, and you've shown you can grasp the nettle. That was very brave to confront those fears one after the other. Well done you.

OK you're still complex but so are other very good people. Don't let those 2 years be wasted. Take what you've clearly learned and make this the first day of new you. It's in your tag after all.

I'm not so sure fibro is in itself responsible for depression, who wouldn't be when in constant pain and unable to lead a "normal" life. It's no surprise anxiety is part of a fibromite's life.

And, sorry, I don't know why you beat yourself up. We only get one go at life and some of us get a raw deal. I try to make the best of what I can do. I've just had a holiday and would "normally" be out and about all 9 days away from work. I had to slow down and take the last 3 days at resting pace or I'll be useless for work tomorrow. But I know I've had a brilliant 6 days for all that. I suppose I squeezed more out knowing I have only a limited charge on my battery with bad connections.

Well done you. Hugs

[NWG23]

Aww thanks, you cheer me up. I always try to treat people as I'd like to be treated so perhaps that opens me up to being easily hurt? I get fed up of always being the one who instigates things too. Everyone is always up for it - meal/drinks/bbq whatever but it wouldn't happen if I didn't suggest, and in some cases organise it. That sometimes makes me wonder if I'm not liked otherwise other people would want to see me and arrange something. I am a good organiser, maybe that's the thing, others can't be bothered, or are too busy?? Anyway you are right I should wipe the slate clean and move forward. Sounds like you have had a good holiday. You were probably wise to pace yourself. Hope you have a good week back. Nwg

[TheAuthor]

Hi NEWAYSGIRL

I think Mr badger is on to something here! As you would not say the things that have been said about you as you would not want to upset anybody in this way.

Have you considered being more open with your friends, and telling them that you feel hurt by what they are saying, as and when they say it? It could change many things for you?

I can genuinely understand if you were being a little over sensitive as Fibro has the ability to drag us down and make us feel very vulnerable.

All my hopes and dreams for you

Ken x

[NWG23 in reply to TheAuthor]

Thanks Ken, I think I may need to let them know. I'm lucky the friend I spoke to today likes me enough to not have become exasperated by the way I've been avoiding her because of how upset I've been over what has turned out to be a misunderstanding. Now I feel stupid! I just need to learn not to be so sensitive or when I am to deal with it up front and not allow it all to fester making a mountain out of a molehill. Grief, at 50 you'd think I'd have learnt by now- we never really grow up, just older.

[bluebell99]

Hi

Don't think too deeply looking for reasons why it seems to be you organising things. There are leaders and followers and it seems you have a fair share of followers who like to have someone else to do the work. It is not personal, probably that they are relieved you are doing the hard stuff, perhaps they have more commitments or are just plain lazy!!! After all if they didn't like you they wouldn't join you

It seems true that when we are low or depressed we are more sensitive and look for reasons that are not there, It is when we are well we realise that those perceived slights mean nothing.. It is good you have opened up and shared your thoughts and realised too that everyone is different.

Hugs

Xx

[NWG23 in reply to bluebell99]

Agreed. With hindsight I'd have taken these antidepressants months ago. Note to self - depression & anxiety are an illness like anything else and need treatment. The brain is rather more complex than most things though.

[mitziblue]

Sweetheart, people just don't get it. Because we don't LOOK SICK!!! Sad to say they are clueless. Don't let anyone get you down. They aren't true friend's if they are so self-centered that they have no compassion for others. I go through this too. I've learner to either over look them or find better friends. Best advice I can give you is what other people think is really none of your business. In other words it's their loss and has little to do with you. Some are just selfish and don't get it. Hope this helps. You can have many friends here as we do understand. xxx Mitzi