How do I get hubby to understand?!?!?

Hi everyone,

Not been on for a while as been having bad flare and trying to keep up with uni.

This latest flare has been particularly bad and long. I have also found out a few weeks ago that I have poly cystic ovaries and my gyne has also taken biopsies from uterus cos she is concerned about endometrial cancer. So between hormone problems cos of PCOS, fibro flare causing depression and stress I am in a bit of a mess.

My husband tries to be supportive and understanding but he is getting really fed up with my mood swings. I am either crying, shouting at him or really stressed out.

I don't know how to make him understand that I am not just having a go at him cos I feel like it. He said to me earlier that he did not sign up for all this and said what did I have to be so depressed about?

All these health problems are really having a impact on my marriage and I could really do with some advice.

Becky xxx

10 Replies

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  • WOW what can I say sounds like the illnesses are new to you or at least the stages they get so confusing I know this myself so

    so sorry to hear about the polycystic ovaries situation to it only complicates things to but one thing it just sounds and this is going to sound tough but you need to come to terms with things learn to pace things for your fibro and this may help your moods some its kind of learning which is the hormones and which is the hating this illness and having to slow down in the needed areas so sorry for sounding so tough and there are gentle hugs with this to. My own family pull me up regularly when things get like that for me but this sight is so cool it removes the isolated feelings I feel. My family can only understand so much because they don't have it and only someone with it truly can, like that sometimes I cant do so much or I need to recharge my batteries

    if I overdo it. hope you can find something from this. My daughter has had so much depression with polycystic ovary but now she has a booming and I mean booming daughter of her own now it can just meant its a little more challenging really hope this helps just a little. If your doctor would help a fibro management course is excellent to help individualise your own version of fibro and learn to manage it. Uni sounds fantastic wish I could but could never remember what id learnt or at least only a portion of it. well must go hope I haven't upset you and lots of hugs for both you and your hubby .

  • Hi Becky

    Im so sorry to hear about your illness and your husband's reaction to it.

    I had been married for 30 years when I was diagnosed with FM. My husband doesn't do illness unless it's his own or anyone but me. I spent 2 years so tired and distraught by his reaction. Not only was I trying to cope with the loss of my health but the person who I loved and thought loved me, my soulmate, was making me feel guilty about it. This led to a downward spiral for me. I felt really ill, he didn't understand, he said I wasn't pulling my weight, what did he expect I could barely get out of bed. It was a very lonely place, so I know how you feel.

    As to advice. Try talking to him again. Calmly. Tell him that you didn't sign up for this illness either, it was thrust upon you. Not only are you trying to cope with the loss of your health, but his reaction is making you feel guilty for being ill and that isn't fair. Tell him you understand how hard it must be for him but with his help and support over the next few months you can both come through this together. Tell him you really do need his help.

    He maybe feeling at a loss as to how to help. You may expect him to know how you are feeling and how tired you are and when you are in pain, or even how scared you are. He may not know, try explaining, saying that you really feel fatigued today, or are really in pain, or are spaced out by the tablets. Do try and keep communications open with him.

    I was really helped by a life coach who told me 'YOU CANT CHANGE OTHER PEOPLE, YOU CAN ONLY CHANGE YOUR REACTION TO THEM'. I realised I wasn't going to change my husband and me getting upset was only destroying me. It wasn't affecting him. I now have decided that I must put myself first. If he doesn't understand than so be it, I will rest when I need to and do what is best for my recovery. But we still talk, and I still tell him I'm having bad days etc and we seem to have come to some level of acceptance between us. It's not how I hoped it would be but we are still together and he has softened a little.

    I hope you have someone else close to you who you can talk to and who can give you support. If not, or you would like to keep in touch by email, please message me and I will give you my address.

    I do understand what you are going through, and I know it is a very lonely place, but you are not on your own. Lots of hugs, Liz xx

  • Hi Becky, 'For better or for worse, in sickness and in health.' Sounds like your hubby needs a reminder of those wedding vows. Perhaps you could ask him to read up on the FMS condition, maybe do it together and hopefully he will learn and understand just how awful this condition is. Hugs x

  • So sorry things are bad for you right now Becky, Remember men can't multi-task and this goes for health too. I am sure in his own way he is trying to be supportive.

    Have you explained "The Spoons" theory to him. You can use anything to do this but for best results something physical. Lay out the spoons use one for each job,pain or whatever you are trying to explain. You will soon run out of spoons but your list of "jobs" is unfinished. I find men,like children,understand this sort of explanation better than just words.xx

  • Hugs Becky. I found giving my hubby the Spoons Therory helped to a degree and also explaining about depression. He found the depression very hard to grasp. Get him to read as much as you can about these various conditions. Educating is the best way forward.

    And gentle hugs to you as you sound like you really need a few,

    Jillyxx

  • Hi Becky! it sounds like you have got an awful lot of problems going on at the moment so no wonder you are finding things difficult, and that makes it even more difficult to get your hubby to understand. So often people in general (but that includes your hubby) can cope with things that they can see are wrong, like if you have a broken arm/leg, you get lots of sympathy, but with pain, pcos and depression, people can't see it and so the understanding and the sympathy is difficult for them to give, hope this makes sense ! Is there any chance you could get him to come to the doctor or specialist next time you go and air your feelings about mood swings etc., and then he will hear a considered, professional response, which then will make him realise what you are struggling with. This is only a thought Becky, but when you are going through so much! you do need the help and support of your hubby and what I have mentioned might just be helpful, well at least I hope it would be.

    Do come back here for as much support and help that you need at this tricky time, we are always around to help and through our own experiences may understand more than some of what you are going through.

    Sending positive healing vibes your way :-)

    Foggy x

  • Hello Beckyglen

    I am sure a lot of members on here empathise with you, as I do too, having a hubby who needs nudging a bit. It didn't help me too much when he came to the doctor with me however, as our GPs aren't very supportive, and their attitude probably rubbed off on him a bit, so I had to repair that.

    I also found the spoons theory made him laugh (I think it actually insulted his intelligence), but there are so many different analogies out there, there will be one to fit, if that doesn't go down well with your hubby as well.

    My 13 year old Niece lived with us for a while (over a year) whilst her father got a house near us, and the one thing she couldn't get her head round was the "double standards" I imposed. Getting her up early, then going back to bed myself, and my being in pain, yet still getting on with life. She really couldn't hack it and actually kept "testing" me to see if I really was ill - pulling all the strings to see if they would break. It wasn't until I found an article on the web for her dad to read to her that the penny finally dropped. If I can find it, I'll post the link. It wasn't to "whiney" an explanation of fibro either. There you go found it - Here it is :-)

    chronicfatigue.about.com/od...

    I hope it is a good bit of info for you :-)

    XHugglesXG

  • Thank you all so much for your messages. They are really kind and helpful! It is really helpful to know that other people really do understand.

    Thank you for the link to that article Glenys - it wS really good- I am going to give it to my hubby to read.

    I was diagnosed with fm 3 years ago now but I am still finding it so hard to accept the changes that fm brings. I don't know if it is my age ( I'm 29 now) or just my personality that stops me from being able to accept my limitations now. Knowing that I could feel like this for the rest of my life is a very scary thought!

    Again thank you all so very much for your kind words - it really does help!

    Gentle hugs to all

    Becky xxxx

  • Hello beckyglen.

    You may find this post of interest too maybe?

    healthunlocked.com/fibroact...

    Emma :)

  • Hello Beckyglen.

    I think it is understandable that you are both struggling to come to terms with your situation. You are young, too young to be going through all of this.

    I fully agree that his behaviour is unacceptable but in a way it is perhaps predictable. I am not making excuses for him but he could be feeling fearful that he may lose you, helpless that he cannot take any of it from you and worried for both of your futures.

    He may also be grieving and angry, as it is not the married life that he envisaged. I know you didn't envisage it either but going through it yourself and watching someone you love go through it are two different things.

    Three years ago I had cancer, and with lupus and many other health problems I have, it was my husband who had the nervous breakdown.

    I know you want him to understand how it is for you, perhaps you could consider a little how hard it is for him.

    I hope I haven't offended you, just speaking from personal experience.

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