Haven't been on for a while. Having a pretty awful time at the moment. As well as the fibro and RA I suffer from depression and anxiety. I though I had started to crack it as I had a few good months, but it's back with a vengeance.
Every single thing sets me off in tears - when it's something nice I get over emotional and when it's something bad I feel like crawling into bed and not getting up.
Those who have read my posts before will hopefully know that I am not normally a negative person, but something is happening to me and I am SO pessimistic at the moment. The fibro has flared and is driving me mad as I can't do anything or get about at all to lift myself out of these doldrums.
I lost my Mum a few years ago. She died when we were on holiday together in Italy, and the Doctor thinks the shock of that was probably one of the triggers for my fibro. I was on my own with her at the time and because it was a sudden death there had to be an inquest etc. The whole thing was a nightmare. It took about 3 weeks to sort the paperwork to have her repatriated and I was stuck in Italy in total limbo. She left me her house and my partner and I decided to move from London and come to Wales to live in it. In hindsight I think it was a mistake. She is everywhere. If I decorate a room or change anything I feel guilty because it's as if I'm wiping her out. My Mum was EVERYTHING to me (which I know isn't healthy), and I just miss her so much. It suddenly struck me a few weeks ago that I'm an orphan. It's a horrible feeling and stupid at my age, but for 55 years of my life one of my parents was always there. It is a very lonely thing.
My emotions seem to be right on the surface and I can't see any way forward at the moment. I have tried speaking to my Doctor, but to be honest I think it goes in one ear and out the other. I am sure my partner has had enough of me. He doesn't cope with illness that well and is used to me being the capable one - and now I'm not. I am convinced he is going to leave - though he tries to re-assure me that that is not the case.
I'm sure there are others on here who are suffering more than I am and so I apologise for being so self centred, but this is one of the only outlets I have for how I am feeling. I have steadily pushed away people because I can't cope with their selfishness, so now I am pretty much on my own.
I don't know whether all my meds are having an impact on me, and I am tempted to try coming off them all. I would like to know what I am dealing with, but with the depression and the fibro fog I don't think I am getting a true picture of how I am.
It is my birthday today, and my grandson came to visit with his Mum and Dad. I had to go out of the room, because all I can think is that I won't be around when he's older! My first phone call on my Birthday was always from my Mum, so that didn't help.
At the moment I feel life is very cruel. I don't want to bring religion into it as I know it isn't the right place to do so, but I sometimes wonder that if there IS a God, why do we have a short span of time here, just to get a taster of the good things, and then have it taken away. The outcome is the same in the end for all of us, and I wish I had never been born atall, rather than sit here dwelling on what I'll be missing when I'm gone.
In a way I think it would be best if my partner just left me to it. I feel so inadequate now, and if I didn't have him to worry about as well maybe it would be a little easier.
Please feel free to ignore this blogg, and accept my apologies if I pull any of you down. You've all got your own private battles, and believe me, I am not that selfish that my heart doesn't go out to each and every one of you on this site.
But where to go from here - I just don't know.
Heather
xx
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gardaqueen
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11 Replies
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Where do you go from here .... Well personally I would make an appointment with hopefully a sympathetic GP even if its not the normal one you see...... I am guessing you are on antidepressants for the fibro and depression ... It might be time for a med reveiw as at the moment they don't seem to be working ... I had to try 4 lots before I found the ones that suited and helped me... Also have you asked your GP about councelling ... I have had two lots at various times in my life when things have just seemed so bad I couldn't see a way forward... Fortunately both times I had a sympathetic GP who listened while I sat and cried and snuffled through an appointment and he changed my meds and referred me to councelling ..
Through all this my OH has stuck by me .... Wy I have no idea but he seems to rather like me.... Which I am sure your OH does ... As do the rest of your family ....just as you miss your mum... Your child / children and grandson would be just as devasted if they lost you....
I don't think you have grieved and come to terms with the loss of your mum and I really think some councelling would help there and then you can get back to the usual you and enjoy your family and the wonderful memories of your mum.
It does sound like you are having a bad time at the moment. When you are depressed on top of everything else life can seem very bleak indeed. Please do not think you are being self centred, you need some help to get you out of this bad spot. Please go and see the doctor again, I am sure that he/she will offer some help if you feel able to explain how you are really feeling. Don't think you are alone in feeling like this - it is all part of being in constant pain. Whenever I watch an old film, I keep thinking how most of those people are dead now and it makes me feel really sad. Try and accept that your partner loves you and wants to help you and I am sure that your little grandson will want you around for a long time to come! Try and enjoy your birthday and the company of those that love you. I am thinking of you Heather - Happy birthday x x
I wish you a good birthday, Heather - and many more to come - I guess it's a bit much to ask you to have a 'happy' one just now, but you'll get there. I sent you a private message
Heather, I too am wishing you a good birthday, knowing that as things are at the moment a happy one is perhaps a bit too much to ask. I know all too well the depths of depression that can hit us, especially if it is linked to unresolved grief. You sound like you had a wonderful relationship with your mother, I too adored mine and was completely bereft when she died nearly 21 years ago now. I was unable to mourn her loss but when my father died in August last year, the pent up grief hit me like a tidal wave, feeling guilty for not really mourning my father as he was so tricky, but the overwhelming desperation for my mother kicked me into one of the lowest places I have ever been. I am now addressing matters with the help of a very understanding counsellor, perhaps you could look into whether there is a Cruse service near you - the don't expect it to be a recent loss that you need help with.
Please try not to push those who love you away, at this time you need them the most, though I do know exactly how you feel about it, I would really ask that you take a bit of time for you, let them support you as much as you can, you deserve it, I know it doesn't feel like it now, but trust me, you do.
Happy birthday gardia, sorry to heat you are feeling so low, I was like that just after christmas, went to see the Doc and she had me go to every wednesday not really for a consultation but to talk for 10mins it really helped she also put me on sertraline still feel lowish but am getting there, but as bimblemitch says we are all here for you and a good rant and rave will help, wishing you a better day tomorrow, gentle hugs coming your way....Dee xxx
Thank you all so much for you for your kind comments and help. I will definately try to see another GP and see if they are a bit more understanding.
I thought about counselling but have always found some excuse for not doing it. I will look into it again - this is not me to be as negative and so anything must be worth a try.
Maybe when the dreaded birthday is over I will lighten a little.
You are not being selfish, you must be in the most horrible pain, emotionally as well as physically, and you are entitled to look for support! Whether aged 55 or just 5, it is a terrible wrench to lose a parent, my mother died when I was 17 (1979)! Do you think your mum would object if you were to redecorate? It's not about wiping her out, but I believe it is about coming to terms with a new situation where she is no longer here. It takes time, and only you know when, to come to terms with this. She will always be in your heart, there will be times when you can look at past memories with fondness. In my experience, time does not heal the pain of loss, but you can become accustomed to her not being here.
Happier birthdays could be wished for. Try to be kind to yourself in the meantime. xx
Grief can hit us anytime, even when we think we have dealt with it. Everything that has been said above is true, I know because I've been there and am almost through it. Please try to get some kind of counselling and use it as stepping stones to get yourself on the way up. Be gentle on yourself, enjoy your Grandson, he and the rest of your family love you.
Thank you for the last two posts. I have contacted my surgery and got an appointment with a different GP. My own GP is very good with the fibro and the RA, but I am not sure he has the empathy for the grief and depression. Being fair, maybe I find it difficult to talk about so he is not getting the full picture.
I have been in touch with someone about bereavement counselling, but apparantly I have to be referred by my GP so will ask about it when I have my appointment.
In the meantime, I will take your advice and maybe put myself first for a while.
I also want to send my best wishes to all of you as I know you all have your own issues and problems and hopefully I will be in a position to offer more support back to you all soon.
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Just feel like I need to get it off my chest!!
This is a post I put up on Facebook, I'm just hoping it might help raise a little interest and knowledge around me basically.
