Haven't been on for a while. Having a pretty awful time at the moment. As well as the fibro and RA I suffer from depression and anxiety. I though I had started to crack it as I had a few good months, but it's back with a vengeance.
Every single thing sets me off in tears - when it's something nice I get over emotional and when it's something bad I feel like crawling into bed and not getting up.
Those who have read my posts before will hopefully know that I am not normally a negative person, but something is happening to me and I am SO pessimistic at the moment. The fibro has flared and is driving me mad as I can't do anything or get about at all to lift myself out of these doldrums.
I lost my Mum a few years ago. She died when we were on holiday together in Italy, and the Doctor thinks the shock of that was probably one of the triggers for my fibro. I was on my own with her at the time and because it was a sudden death there had to be an inquest etc. The whole thing was a nightmare. It took about 3 weeks to sort the paperwork to have her repatriated and I was stuck in Italy in total limbo. She left me her house and my partner and I decided to move from London and come to Wales to live in it. In hindsight I think it was a mistake. She is everywhere. If I decorate a room or change anything I feel guilty because it's as if I'm wiping her out. My Mum was EVERYTHING to me (which I know isn't healthy), and I just miss her so much. It suddenly struck me a few weeks ago that I'm an orphan. It's a horrible feeling and stupid at my age, but for 55 years of my life one of my parents was always there. It is a very lonely thing.
My emotions seem to be right on the surface and I can't see any way forward at the moment. I have tried speaking to my Doctor, but to be honest I think it goes in one ear and out the other. I am sure my partner has had enough of me. He doesn't cope with illness that well and is used to me being the capable one - and now I'm not. I am convinced he is going to leave - though he tries to re-assure me that that is not the case.
I'm sure there are others on here who are suffering more than I am and so I apologise for being so self centred, but this is one of the only outlets I have for how I am feeling. I have steadily pushed away people because I can't cope with their selfishness, so now I am pretty much on my own.
I don't know whether all my meds are having an impact on me, and I am tempted to try coming off them all. I would like to know what I am dealing with, but with the depression and the fibro fog I don't think I am getting a true picture of how I am.
It is my birthday today, and my grandson came to visit with his Mum and Dad. I had to go out of the room, because all I can think is that I won't be around when he's older! My first phone call on my Birthday was always from my Mum, so that didn't help.
At the moment I feel life is very cruel. I don't want to bring religion into it as I know it isn't the right place to do so, but I sometimes wonder that if there IS a God, why do we have a short span of time here, just to get a taster of the good things, and then have it taken away. The outcome is the same in the end for all of us, and I wish I had never been born atall, rather than sit here dwelling on what I'll be missing when I'm gone.
In a way I think it would be best if my partner just left me to it. I feel so inadequate now, and if I didn't have him to worry about as well maybe it would be a little easier.
Please feel free to ignore this blogg, and accept my apologies if I pull any of you down. You've all got your own private battles, and believe me, I am not that selfish that my heart doesn't go out to each and every one of you on this site.
But where to go from here - I just don't know.