I received the blood test results yesterday and feel like I can't breathe. They were out last DE, we have nothing left. We said this would be our last try, but now I can't help wondering.
So much money and time has been invested. Many many treatments and procedures: Laparoscopies, hysteroscopies, embolization, polyp removal, down regulation for several months at a time for adenomyosis, successful lasering for Endo. Acupuncture, reflexology, yoga, pilates, special massages, Chinese medicine, copious supplements from producing more quality eggs to conceiving, to thickening lining and plantation, and dozens of books including the Bible it starts with an egg. I'm mentally exhausted and it's my first day at a new job today.
I'm angry at my body, heart broken at the life that's constantly out of reach. I don't know where we go from here. I'm 46 and just absolutely devastated.
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Mikki100
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Just wanted to say I am so very sorry for all you have gone through and to salute your bravery and perseverance. It just feels so unfair and I’m so deeply sorry. Hope you will be able to take some time to look after yourself before thinking about whatever comes next. Sending you so much love xxx
I am so incredibly sorry to hear of the horrific heartbreaks you have had to endure. What a strong woman you are……What has your fertility doctor suggested going forward?
When you say DE do you mean donor eggs?
I know it will feel impossible but try to enjoy your first day at your new job even if you just find happiness in the little things….
I know there’s not much anyone can say when you are having to go through such heartbreak but I just wanted to send you love and let you know you are not alone x
Thank you. Yes I used donor eggs after my first 2 transfers using my own 3 embryos failed. I'm trying to keep it together, luckily I have induction only today and I'm working from home this week. I'm waiting for an appointment with my fertility doctor.
i am so sorry Mikki, it is such an unfair journey and it is so frustrating when the 'experts' are unable to give any answers.... Have you checked your thyroid and thrombophilia?
I had a detailed analysis of my blood done before my last 2 transfers. They found no issues but still prescribed clexane injections and prednisolone 15mg daily as well as 75mg of aspirin.
Thank you ❤️ It's so hard to know when to give up when it's all I ever wanted. We've been at this for almost a decade on and off. My head says stop, but my heart says keep going. I don't know what to do. We'll see what the clinic says in a few days.
I just wanted to say I’m so sorry and sending love and strength to you ❤️
I’m not saying that this is the end of the road, take time to grieve and then look at next steps. But I have found Jody Day’s book Living the Life Unexpected really helpful and comforting and useful for processing grief at various stages even though we are not done with trying yet - you might find it helpful.
I can’t believe you’re having to face new work too this week. You’re a strong 💪 lady xx
Sending the biggest virtual hug ever. I’m hoping the new job is one you really wanted, so that going forward it is something you can focus on. You have done so very much to get here, with mind and body trying it’s absolute best. I don’t have any treatment recommendations but I’m 8 years into this and recognise some of those feelings. Three (free) things that have helped me. Meditation and trying to centre myself and be more in the moment. It’s tough but it’s personally helped. Other two How to Fail with Elizabeth Day is an incredible podcast, she had 10 years of infertility and many of her guests also share their only fertility challenges. The Dawn French episode and the Greg James ones helped me a lot. Last one also by the same author is Friendship Therapy podcast (with her friend who’s a Therapist) and the episode on grief where she focuses on fertility grief. All have helped me a lot especially when not all our own friends and family understand. Hope the future brings happy things, wishing you all the very best.x
This is really helpful thank you. None of my close friends understand what I'm going through. They all have children, and as much as they try, they have no idea of the pain and turmoil.. anger and frustration. I'm a big fan of meditation, but dip in and out.. this is definitely a time for me to dip in again.
The job was just to be in a perm role if we were successful because mat leave was very generous.
Well having a permanent role is always a good thing so that’s positive.
I’m glad you have tried meditation before and found it helpful. It’s good to know that for literally thousands of years it’s helped to give people some mental peace. I like the guided ones especially ones grounded in nature.
The other few things I’ve done is write a birthday list of fun things I can do this year so that when my brain goes “your no further forward with having a family” I can so no but I’ve learned a new craft, been to a new place, gone on a charity walk etc and it’s really helped me to remember who I am outside of infertility as it can be so consuming. Its helped to reframe my thoughts a bit. I also brought my first ever dog (a puppy) and at certain points she’s glued my mental health together, especially when I hear news I find triggering. She loves all the bonus cuddles and helps me more in this moment to. (I write this as she’s asleep in my lap!) Wishing you all the very best moving forward.
I really love your mindset! I will definitely be making a list of fun things I want to do next year (which will hopefully take my mind off the fact I'm not closer to having the family I dream of). I've always wanted to do a 50km charity walk so that'll be top of the list, and focus on creative writing. I did a course during lockdown, but haven't done much with it since.
I love dogs, they are so calming and loving. I did some dog sitting for my cousin over summer and loved it. Lots of long walks and playing!
I am so sorry for what happened there is no words that can take your pain away right now but in time you will feel better to think about what the future holds for you wishing you all the best best
Hi Mikki I was just checking back to see how you were doing after your comments on my post.I am so sorry to hear this and my heart breaks with you. This journey is incredibly cruel. Take time for yourself and be kind to yourself xx
Thank you ❤️ It's hard and I'm slowly picking myself up and dusting myself off. I'm going to have some tests done to see how receptive my uterus is. This will determine whether or not we try again.
Thanks, these were donor embryos. I used my own eggs three times and donor eggs three times. My clinic don't pgta test embryos from donors. They want me to have an Endometrial Receptivity Array (ERA) test - its a diagnostic procedure that helps determine if the lining of the uterus is ready for an embryo to implant. I guess this will help us decide whether to try again or not.
Hello, this is the test I had that I swear helped it work. I went on to donor embryo too. I had this test and changed the day of transfer to day 6 instead of 5 and now have a little girl. We did pgta test the donor embryos as irrespective of age there can still be chromosomal abnormalities. So it’s a shame that the clinic won’t do that. I’m happy to chat if you want too xxx
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