6th transfer failed..

[Mikki100]

I received the blood test results yesterday and feel like I can't breathe. They were out last DE, we have nothing left. We said this would be our last try, but now I can't help wondering.

So much money and time has been invested. Many many treatments and procedures: Laparoscopies, hysteroscopies, embolization, polyp removal, down regulation for several months at a time for adenomyosis, successful lasering for Endo. Acupuncture, reflexology, yoga, pilates, special massages, Chinese medicine, copious supplements from producing more quality eggs to conceiving, to thickening lining and plantation, and dozens of books including the Bible it starts with an egg. I'm mentally exhausted and it's my first day at a new job today.

I'm angry at my body, heart broken at the life that's constantly out of reach. I don't know where we go from here. I'm 46 and just absolutely devastated.

[IVFat40]

I'm so so sorry, this feels incredibly unfair. You must be an extremely strong person to have come through all this. Sending thoughts and care.

[Mikki100 in reply to IVFat40]

Thank you for your support

[PinkCat22]

hi Mikki,

Just wanted to say I am so very sorry for all you have gone through and to salute your bravery and perseverance. It just feels so unfair and I’m so deeply sorry. Hope you will be able to take some time to look after yourself before thinking about whatever comes next. Sending you so much love xxx

[Mikki100 in reply to PinkCat22]

Thank you. I will definitely be taking time to think things through before making a decision. Right now I'm just grieving ❤️

[PinkCat22 in reply to Mikki100]

Thinking of you. It’s so painful. All my love to you xxx

[Prettywoman11]

hello Mikki100

I am so incredibly sorry to hear of the horrific heartbreaks you have had to endure. What a strong woman you are……What has your fertility doctor suggested going forward?

When you say DE do you mean donor eggs?

I know it will feel impossible but try to enjoy your first day at your new job even if you just find happiness in the little things….

I know there’s not much anyone can say when you are having to go through such heartbreak but I just wanted to send you love and let you know you are not alone x

[Mikki100 in reply to Prettywoman11]

Thank you. Yes I used donor eggs after my first 2 transfers using my own 3 embryos failed. I'm trying to keep it together, luckily I have induction only today and I'm working from home this week. I'm waiting for an appointment with my fertility doctor.

[Doodlebug23]

So sorry to read this 😥 I don’t have any advice but just couldn’t just scroll on by 😥

[Angelikid88]

i am so sorry Mikki, it is such an unfair journey and it is so frustrating when the 'experts' are unable to give any answers.... Have you checked your thyroid and thrombophilia?

[Mikki100 in reply to Angelikid88]

I have checked my thyroid and it was ok. I've got an appointment with the clinic in a couple of days to see where we go from here.

[Angelikid88 in reply to Mikki100]

ok, i would really recommend you check your blood for potential issue with clots. in many cases this is a hidden issue

[Mikki100 in reply to Angelikid88]

I had a detailed analysis of my blood done before my last 2 transfers. They found no issues but still prescribed clexane injections and prednisolone 15mg daily as well as 75mg of aspirin.

[JB124]

so sorry your going through this. I know how exhausting and heartbreaking multiple transfers can be. Sending you so much love x take care

[Londonlady2024]

Sorry for the experience you have endured. I don't have any advice re. DE but all I can say is don't give up if this is really what you want 💜❤️

[Mikki100 in reply to Londonlady2024]

Thank you ❤️ It's so hard to know when to give up when it's all I ever wanted. We've been at this for almost a decade on and off. My head says stop, but my heart says keep going. I don't know what to do. We'll see what the clinic says in a few days.

[Endofitall]

I just wanted to say I’m so sorry and sending love and strength to you ❤️

I’m not saying that this is the end of the road, take time to grieve and then look at next steps. But I have found Jody Day’s book Living the Life Unexpected really helpful and comforting and useful for processing grief at various stages even though we are not done with trying yet - you might find it helpful.

I can’t believe you’re having to face new work too this week. You’re a strong 💪 lady xx

[Mikki100 in reply to Endofitall]

Thank you x I'll definitely take a look at that book.

[minny_223]

I’m so sorry. There are no words for how heartbreaking it is. Thinking of you. Sending love x

[BenjitheG]

Sending the biggest virtual hug ever. I’m hoping the new job is one you really wanted, so that going forward it is something you can focus on. You have done so very much to get here, with mind and body trying it’s absolute best. I don’t have any treatment recommendations but I’m 8 years into this and recognise some of those feelings. Three (free) things that have helped me. Meditation and trying to centre myself and be more in the moment. It’s tough but it’s personally helped. Other two How to Fail with Elizabeth Day is an incredible podcast, she had 10 years of infertility and many of her guests also share their only fertility challenges. The Dawn French episode and the Greg James ones helped me a lot. Last one also by the same author is Friendship Therapy podcast (with her friend who’s a Therapist) and the episode on grief where she focuses on fertility grief. All have helped me a lot especially when not all our own friends and family understand. Hope the future brings happy things, wishing you all the very best.x

[Mikki100 in reply to BenjitheG]

This is really helpful thank you. None of my close friends understand what I'm going through. They all have children, and as much as they try, they have no idea of the pain and turmoil.. anger and frustration. I'm a big fan of meditation, but dip in and out.. this is definitely a time for me to dip in again.

The job was just to be in a perm role if we were successful because mat leave was very generous.

[BenjitheG in reply to Mikki100]

Well having a permanent role is always a good thing so that’s positive.

I’m glad you have tried meditation before and found it helpful. It’s good to know that for literally thousands of years it’s helped to give people some mental peace. I like the guided ones especially ones grounded in nature.

The other few things I’ve done is write a birthday list of fun things I can do this year so that when my brain goes “your no further forward with having a family” I can so no but I’ve learned a new craft, been to a new place, gone on a charity walk etc and it’s really helped me to remember who I am outside of infertility as it can be so consuming. Its helped to reframe my thoughts a bit. I also brought my first ever dog (a puppy) and at certain points she’s glued my mental health together, especially when I hear news I find triggering. She loves all the bonus cuddles and helps me more in this moment to. (I write this as she’s asleep in my lap!) Wishing you all the very best moving forward.

[Mikki100 in reply to BenjitheG]

I really love your mindset! I will definitely be making a list of fun things I want to do next year (which will hopefully take my mind off the fact I'm not closer to having the family I dream of). I've always wanted to do a 50km charity walk so that'll be top of the list, and focus on creative writing. I did a course during lockdown, but haven't done much with it since.

I love dogs, they are so calming and loving. I did some dog sitting for my cousin over summer and loved it. Lots of long walks and playing!

[Sweethear]

I am so sorry for what happened there is no words that can take your pain away right now but in time you will feel better to think about what the future holds for you wishing you all the best best

[AnnieAnnie]

Hi Mikki I was just checking back to see how you were doing after your comments on my post.I am so sorry to hear this and my heart breaks with you. This journey is incredibly cruel. Take time for yourself and be kind to yourself xx

[Mikki100 in reply to AnnieAnnie]

Thank you ❤️ It's hard and I'm slowly picking myself up and dusting myself off. I'm going to have some tests done to see how receptive my uterus is. This will determine whether or not we try again.

[Boo718]

hello, I’m so sorry. This journey is so difficult. Have you thought about donor embryos. Or pgta testing the embryos from donor eggs? Xxx

[Mikki100 in reply to Boo718]

Thanks, these were donor embryos. I used my own eggs three times and donor eggs three times. My clinic don't pgta test embryos from donors. They want me to have an Endometrial Receptivity Array (ERA) test - its a diagnostic procedure that helps determine if the lining of the uterus is ready for an embryo to implant. I guess this will help us decide whether to try again or not.

[Boo718 in reply to Mikki100]

Hello, this is the test I had that I swear helped it work. I went on to donor embryo too. I had this test and changed the day of transfer to day 6 instead of 5 and now have a little girl. We did pgta test the donor embryos as irrespective of age there can still be chromosomal abnormalities. So it’s a shame that the clinic won’t do that. I’m happy to chat if you want too xxx

[HollyT7]

hey lovely I just stumbled across your post and just wanted to say that I hope your doing ok and you have a good day today 💕

[Mikki100 in reply to HollyT7]

Thank you. I'm taking each day at a time. Trying to pull my socks up mentally and get ready for the META test to see if my timings are off. Off the back of that we'll decide what to do next. It is heartbreaking though, but thanks for thinking of me 🤗

[SushiTilly]

hey Mikki100

I came across your post whilst searching for support. It really hard to find people in real life and general society to support us, that’s how I feel. It’s difficult to find someone to understand the plan. We have done everything possible to help it work. There is no doubt ivf should really cost pennies given the fail rate. Women get preyed upon in fertility and menopause. In truth I feel you have done everything and sadly each time we try ivf there is variables. I know, I’m on seventh round of ivf, my entire marriage has been blackened by ivf. It’s really heartbreaking.

I completely understand your pain and I hope you are some way on to finding yourself in new space and life to take back the joy in life.

Wishing for happiness in your soul and community is here any time. Xxx

[Mikki100 in reply to SushiTilly]

Thank you for your kind words and support. I'm getting more tests done to try to understand why it's not working. I have adenomyosis so I fear that's probably the culprit. I'm doing a fake cycle and they will take a biopsy to see the state of my uterus because even though scans are positive, it keeps failing. I don't know if we'll try again, it depends on the outcome of the test.

It's difficult to know when to stop, especially since it's all we've dreamed of for years now.

Good luck with your journey, and I'm here if you ever need to chat xx