Feeling lost and looking to vent in hope that I’m not alone. 10 months into IVF and one of the hardest things I’ve found is the effect on my friendships. At 41 I thought I had found my true “soul” friendships - but most of my friendships have suffered through this.
Of my closest friends, they really care but don’t know how to react about my infertility and always leave me feeling worse after seeing them. I then feel extra sad grieving the relationship of what I thought would be my closest supports. For example today I was asked about a mutual friend’s newborn baby and details about the labour(zero insight into why this might be triggering for me to discuss), followed by lots of kid talk I can’t contribute to. One complaining about her contraception (having 2 kids), I didn’t know how to react. I think one issue is I’ve lost some capacity for empathy with these things, and am also so easily triggered. I’ve tried backing off but then I feel lonely, so it’s hard to find a balance. I do have a couple of friends who just get it, and I think I should focus on these friendships
Anyone find some good strategies for managing situations where people just don’t understand what you’re going through?
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Learningdaybyday
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ah totally hard and very frustrating!!!I do just want to slap those who complain about kids!! I’m not the best person to give advice- I’ve lost a lot of friends as I struggle to be around those with young families or pregnant- all of our friends are either one! I stopped seeing them as despite what they knew like you they just complain! My best friends pregnant and due in June and I haven’t even managed to see her- she’s so kind and has been great but messages ‘how are things?’ I just think how on earth do you think things are??? Where as other friends send a thinking of you message etc!which is much easier to take! I can’t give any advise but I can definitely relate! We are currently very isolated and I know I’ve done it to myself. Certainly does show you who your friends are which I’m trying to see as a positive. I’ll watch your post for any advise! My counsellor did tell me that if I need space to send a wee ‘sorry we’ll be MIA for a bit just need to get through’ kind of text rather than just not responding (like I had been doing). This journey is very lonely and I hope you get some good ideas!
Thank you for sharing! It is sad to get isolated, especially from the closest friends to us, but at the same time it’s so natural when so much is triggering and we need to survive. That’s really good advice from the counsellor, I’m going to use that. Hope things go better soon and you can reconnect in time x
I’m really sorry you’re going through this. It’s completely rotten and unless you’ve experienced any of this yourself, you’re unlikely to really know what it’s truly like.
When I was going through IVF, I also struggled to be around pregnant friends or friends with babies. One was actually my sister who had accidentally fallen pregnant and I really struggled with that. I never let her in on that but she knew as my sister that I was finding it hard.
I used to muster of the mental strength to check in on any friends who were pregnant on the days that I felt strong enough to do so. I always kept my phone muted so I could open and read messages when i felt able to. I tried to remember that whilst I was going through my hardest time, they were going through their best time and as a friend, I needed to show up for them in whatever way I could as much as I’d expect them to respect my boundaries and tough time.
Of course there were a few occasions someone would say the wrong thing and tbh I can’t remember how I responded back then but now, I think I’m strong enough to call someone out on it and tell them why what they said may not be appropriate and could cause upset to someone in my shoes (at the time). It’s okay to tell your friends “I’m sorry, whilst I am happy for you/whoever had the baby, I’m not feeling strong enough mentally to talk about their birth/see them/hold them just yet…”. A good friend would immediately understand that and there would be no judgement or push back.
I welcomed my twins after four rounds of IVF in 2022 and even to do this day, I am still triggered when someone tells me they’re pregnant ‘and they didn’t expect it to happen so quickly’ or ‘it was such a surprise’. I’m also triggered when people talk to me about trying again because in their heads, it’ll take them a month whereas I’m over a year down the line and I still haven’t had luck trying for a sibling. If I find something too much, I just say ‘sorry, I’m not feeling up for that conversation right now’.
Sorry, this is a super long response but I hope it helps in some way. Sensing you lots of positive vibes for your continued journey 🤍🤍 xxx
Hello, it is very hard and I have found it challenging over the years, I try and take myself away from a conversation if there is too much baby talk and if I can’t take myself away, I just smile polity on the outside which is hard.
Friends do end up saying insensitive things, I don’t think they mean too, I think sometimes they just don’t know what to say or don’t even ask you at all which can feel even more lonely . I suppose if you feel able too it’s talking to your friends how they can be supportive and what’s helped and not been so helpful.
I’ve found counselling helped to talk through all the difficult emotions and thoughts I was having around in a space which I didn’t feel judged and then they were out of my head and not whirling around!
I don’t have any advice to offer but I will say that I feel like I’ve become a right bitch after 4 years of TTC & 3 failed rounds of IVF.
I’ve lost my two best friends as I’ve had to distance myself from them because all they can talk about are their babies (one has had 2 since we’ve been trying). We are still friends but no where near as close. I find it really hard to congratulate people at work when they announce pregnancies or have babies. Worst of all is that my sister-in-law had a baby back in January & although we did go & see her the week she had the baby (she lives 4 hours away), I haven't once text her to see how they are getting on- I just can’t bring myself to do it. To be fair, we aren’t really close as I’ve never really had the chance to get to know her properly as they live so far away, but we used to text a little bit. Not anymore. I’m sure people must think I’m a terrible person!
You are certainly not alone in any of your thoughts & feelings.
During different parts of your life you become friends with different people depending on your current stage of life so it's normal... It's exactly the same feeling a single person feel when they around everyone in relationships lol
They will still be your friends as nothing wrong with that but I would put my efforts into people who you feel more comfortable and happy with.
oh it’s so tough, friendships when your going through such different experiences is really difficult.
When people have little ones it’s their world and I think it’s why it can dominate the conversations as it’s so front and centre for them but I know how hard that can make your interactions.
I don’t know if any of these things will help you as it’s so individual but these things have helped me on the 7 plus years I’ve been on this journey when so many friends now have their families.
1) Join a club or an activity where you’re highly unlikely to be in contact with pregnant women or young children. I volunteer with some older people gardening and I joined a running club and the headspace it gives me is amazing as I know in that time I won’t have to think about it.
2) When your having a good day try and articulate to friends what you find hard and how they can help (for me it’s new announcements that always feel like a gut punch). I ask that people don’t tell me in person so I have time to process in my own time.
3) For my birthday this year I wrote a long list of fun activities I can do throughout the year so regardless of treatment I have other things I can do or focus on. Some I can do on my own or with friends.
4) I’ve come to terms with the fact if friends have young kids the friendship is going to be less close for the next few years or may sadly disappear as people have less time and do navigate to other people in a similar situation.
5) If you feel worse when you see people it may be time to take a step back from the friendship for a bit.
6) Best Friends Therapy is a fab podcast which is really soothing to me especially when my friends don’t get it as one is a professional therapist the other had 10 years of infertility and it is frequently talked about in such a kind and supportive way.
Wish all you amazing ladies all the best on your journeys. X
Thank you so much everyone, I’m blown away by the kind and empathetic replies! Definitely helps knowing others go through this too. So grateful for you all sharing ❤️
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