Fertility Network UK
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Friendship advice please 😢

I don’t really know where else to turn but need some advice, I have a friend who I fell out with a few years back as she sent me a scan picture to announce her first pregnancy whilst I was mid treatment waiting for my hubby to come out of surgery. I didn’t deal with her pregnancy well and we kind of drifted apart however we’ve recently got back in contact and I’m glad to have her back as a friend and be part of her little girls life.

However she text me tonight saying she needed to call me this week, I automatically knew what this mean (I’m sure we have some sort of pregnancy radar) so I text her saying if its pregnancy related she’d be better to tell me over text. She then replied saying she was pregnant and having her scan soon but didn’t know how to tell me as didn’t want to be an insensitive friend or lose contact again.

I don’t know what to do, I instantly think to shut her out again, how can I cope seeing her belly grow as I’m due to start treatment. I don’t want to lose her as a friend again, maybe this time I should be honest with my feelings?! I feel totally torn I’m happy for her but I’m completely heart broken for me. In the time I’ve been trying I’ve lost 2 babies and she’ll of had two, this journey is unbelievable cruel on so many levels💔💔

Ps. Sorry for the ramble and the fact it’s not treatment related!

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You will choose to do what’s right for u if u can carry on the friendship or not, I have lost my sister through this infertility she was pregnant while I was doing my first round of ivf she said a lot of insensitive things one was her partner has supper spunk while on FaceTime telling me & my husband she was pregnant, I sent her flowers saying I am happy for u but I have a lot of uncertainty ahead of me and don’t want to talk baby talk but she still did it every time.,. It’s hard but am sure u will make the right choice, I cried when I read ur post cause this is what I feel like and people who are not on this journey just don’t understand, xx

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Thank you, I’m sorry for the way things are between you and your sister it’s even harder when it’s family that are insensitive. I hope your doing okay xx

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fertilitysmarts.com/what-my...

I have used this article with my two bffs this year (last year technically). It was working well until I had to attend that funeral the other week with them both being there. Anyway regardless of that there’s some really helpful advice in the link. Good luck, I hope you manage to reach a compromise that preserves your friendship and your feelings xx

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Good article Tugs xx

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Thank you, that’s such a good article definitely going to share that with a few people. I hope your doing okay xx

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I am thank you for asking xx

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Great article. Made me a shed a tear. My sister had her third child some two weeks ago. Shes adorable.living in different countries makes it easier for us. My sister has been super supportive of my ttc journey.

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That’s really nice to hear that xx

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I think you should try to say how you feel (easier said than done).

I had a friend message me saying that she wasn’t sure what she had done but we had drifted apart and that she didn’t know what she had done to upset me. I explained by text that she had done nothing wrong but sometimes I don’t feel like seeing anyone or talking about it. The next time I saw her we talked about it briefly and now I feel we have an understanding thats its not her or our friendship but its the situation.

I understand its hard to air all of your feelings. But maybe a few at a time could help?

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Thank you, I am going to try to be more honest thing. She does seem more understanding to how she’s announced her pregnancy to me so hopefully that’ll continue x

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Hi. Sorry you are in this position. It sounds like she was trying to be sensitive to your feelings and wanted to tell you in a more appropriate way this time.

It's really hard and I understand your desire to just cut contact again. Perhaps you guys should have a talk. Luke you say you are so happy to be in touch again and you're glad to be back in each others lives. Maybe you should just explain that while you're very happy for her, it's difficult for you to deal with the news due to your circumstances and upcoming treatment.

Maybe you could both agree that if and when you do see each other over the next few months you keep pregnancy talk to a minimum? Or just make your time together less often? It sounds like she is at least trying to come at it from your point of view and be sensitive.

You never know, you might get good baby vibes. This might be your lucky round?

I totally understand where you're coming from and I remember being in the same situation with a friend. Trying to be pleased for her but feeling gutted for myself. I spoke to her less often but just enough to keep our friendship ok. Of course I was glad for her but it didn't atop the pain for myself. Then when I was lucky enough to finally be the one sharing baby news, she was the first to reach out and share on my joy.

I know it's so hard but your friendship has come this far already so don't risk losing that when your happy future might be around the corner! (And I hope it is!)

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Thank you, I have said to her that I’m happy for her it’s just really hard for me and so far she’s seems quite understanding although that’s only over text but hopefully it continues x

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Lovely why you apologizing no need, if I was you I'd tell her how you feel how you felt last time and get it all out if she's a worthy good friend she'll understand and she'll help you through by limiting baby talk and just been a, friend and support you. Just, be honest that's the way things will progress with you both if there supposed too. Understanding is key and the fact she didn't want to upset you is showing she's trying to be a good friend.

It's such a, hard situation but your friends and if you can get through this it will help you feel a little better approach it differently this time if. Things don't work out then shut her out but do have that talk. I'm sure she'll understand. Big hugs lovely lady you know were all here for you.

💗💗🤗😘😘

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Thank you so much! I did text her back and say I’m happy for her but I’m struggling a lot with pregnancies and she said although I’ll be invited to everything she understands if I i don’t go so I’m hoping things continue that way. It’s just me learning to deal with her bump, that’s the bit I find the hardest tbh. Hope your doing okay? Xx

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Hopefully things will keep that way. The bump will be hard lovely how far is she? Hopefully you'll have your own pregnancy to announce aswel with a much better outcome. You don't have to do anything your uncomfortable with lovely just be honest with her and yourself protect you hun that's the most important thing, lots of love, I'm doing ok thanks hun, just got the flu and follow up in March with mc clinic 💗🤗😘

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She said she’s around 12 weeks as her scan is due soon, she didn’t expect it to happen so soon 🙄 thank you, your right I think I need to start putting myself first.

Ah hope your over the worst of the flu and your appt goes well in March 🤞xx

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Thanks hun. Hope your hysteroscopy goes well also 💗🤗😘 it is that what your having isn't it xx

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Yeah it is, dreading it but thank you xx

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I'm sure you'll be fine have you asked to be sedated xx

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Are you having a lap? Xx

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No just hysteroscopy, I asked about sedation but they said no just to take pain relief an hr before xx

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The hardest for me is when you hear people say that line ' they didn't expect it to happen first time or so soon' its like a smack in the face or a kick in the gut for women who haven't. I dont think people realise when they say that line how hurtful it can be.

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So true, I think people don’t realise how hurtful that comment can be especially with it being the 2nd pregnancy.

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I'm so sorry to hear you're in this position, I really feel for you as it is such a difficult emotional time. When I saw the counsellor (when I was feeling quite low about being in an environment where everyone had young babies), she said to me there is nothing wrong with being honest about things. She advised me to explain that whilst I feel happy for others when hearing their news, at this present time I have to keep my distance for my own protection i.e. still socialise and see everyone but distance myself when there is talk of what reminds me of my current situation. It's a very cruel journey and I completely understand. If you ever need to talk please message me. Sending love and BIG hugs xxx

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Thank you Poppy, your right it’s all about finding the right balance. I hope your doing okay, good luck for your scan this week xx

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Thank you, take care xxx

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Aww sorry tof see how this is affecting you. Sometimes I think it's best to distance oneself and protect ourselves when we need to make sure you do what's right for you x

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Thank you, I know my natural reaction is to cut her out but so far she’s seems quite understanding I guess time will tell x

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I’m really sorry you are having to cope with this. It’s just so tough and with every pregnancy announcement it’s gets so much harder to smile and pretend you are ok.

It’s just not fair, sending hugs xx

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Your so right, each one still hits like me a tonne of bricks. Hope your okay x

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So sorry to hear you have to deal with this today. If only people would just stop getting pregnant around us! It’s so hard for you that it’s her second as well. I, personally, just let friends know that while I’m happy for them, and wish them all the best, it’s too hard for me to meet up right now. In my head that leaves the door open to the friendship in the future. Although it makes me feel sad that I have to do this, I see it as self preservation and if we’re good enough friends, I think we’ll be friends when this whole process is over, one way or another. Good luck my dear xxx

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Thank you, I know it being her second makes it’s even harder tbh and it’s seeing the bump I struggle with. I’m definitely going to try and be more honest with her this time round guess only time will tell. How are you doing? Xx

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Struggling a bit this week, looking forward to next week as I’m off work. Xx

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Hi lovely, I’m so sorry your having to deal with this, its such a cruel world. I’m going through a similar thing and feel like I’ve just lost my best friend. Tugsgirl sent me an article which I read which might be useful..will copy the link and forward it to you now.

Sending lots of love as always lovely xxx

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Agh I see she already sent it! 😃

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I just read your post, it’s so hard when friends are pregnant and just don’t seem to ‘get it’. Hope your okay, message me if you ever want to chat xx

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Thanks Hun. Yeah I can’t believe she was so insensitive today. It’s always been all about her though so I shouldn’t be surprised. How you feeling? Xxx

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It makes it so much harder when people are like that to, so far my friend seems quite sensitive just hoping it’ll last. I’m okay just feel exhausted by it all didn’t sleep well but knew I wouldn’t, how are you? Xx

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Hi, sorry to hear that you need to go through this. My good friend at work had a baby during when I was still trying naturally and it was very hard for me to keep showing how pleased I was for her and having baby talks all the time. I was actually glad when she went on maternity and I didn’t have to speak to her every day. Then she came back and kept talking about her baby complaining a lot how he didn’t sleep at night and analysing with me what she should do and so on. She was also the first one to tell me who else was pregnant and how long they were trying for (usually 4 months or so) I was then trying via IVF and she knew about it. It hurt so much so one day I told her that even though I would love to share those baby experiences with her, at the moment I can’t. Somehow she got the message and became a little more sensitive. Unfortunately, I know that we don’t have much in common when she is a fully absorbed mother and I’m not so to be honest I’m not sure if our friendship will survive. When I was hurting the most I wrote letters to her, but never sent them and this brought me some ease and peace. I would say, be honest with your friend, try to write letters to her even though you won’t ever send them. Protect yourself but also remember that people who didn’t go through infertility may be insensitive but usually do not have bad intentions. Good luck x

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Thank you, that’s a really good idea about letters sometimes I feel like I just need to let it out but don’t want to offend her in doing so xx

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Your friend seems to have handled it far more sensitively this time which is good as it means she's taking your feelings seriously. It would be a shame to lose touch again so I agree that you should just be honest and try to work out a way to handle the situation that works for the two of you. There will be times when you'll struggle seeing her so you need to make sure you don't put yourself in a situation that will have a negative affect on you, particularly whilst you're going through your next cycle.

Two of my besties have fallen pregnant in the past year, but they are very mindful of my feelings. I love them both so much that I couldn't bear to be estranged from them. This journey has already stolen so much of my life (dramatic I know but that's how it feels!) and I'm not prepared to let it ruin friendships too. That said, I do think it depends on how sensitive (or not) the friend is. Xx

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Thank you, yeah I think I’m going to give her the benefit of the doubt and hope she continues to be mindful of me. Hope your doing okay xx

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Hi E_05, such a tough situation and harder as its the second pregnancy during the time you've suffered 2 losses as well as overall feelings of loss because of what we go through. It sounds like ur friend is trying to be sensitive this time and perhaps trying to right the wrong from the first time around. She probably doesnt know what to do for the best but her suggestion of you'll be invited but dont have to come to baby things seems to be thoughtful. It's still not one bit easy and seeing a growing bump will be hard. Just u do whatever u feel comfortable with but let your friend know so she understands. It sounds like she will try her best to understand, this time round anyway. I really hope you get your dream this time 💞 xx

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Thank you, that’s the bit I’m dreading watching her bump grow. How are you doing? Xx

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It rly is so tough but if she can be sensitive i think it will help. I had one lovely friend who was so considerate during her pregnancy with me and always checked how i was, asked about my treatment, remembered apt dates etc. I know not all people are this sensitive and ive been on the receiving end of that too. It's a tough call for you, if you feel up to meeting your friend i hope it goes well for u xx

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Hi, this is so difficult for you. It does sound like your friend is making an effort to be a bit more sensitive to your feelings this time around. I do think you’ve got to be honest with her about your feelings and see how things go from there. She clearly values your friendship and has indicated she doesn’t want to lose touch with you again. In which case I’m really hoping you both can find some way of making this work. Sending you hugs xx

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Thank you, I hope so to it would be a shame to drift apart again. How are you doing? Xx

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I do hope you can work something out. I’m not too bad, thanks for asking. Feeling absolutely drained mostly. I could sleep for a week. Review appt on 23rd Feb. Very keen to hear verdict on additional batch of eggs. Biding my time until then really xx

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I bet it does take everything out of you mentally as well as physically. I hope you get some answers then xx

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hey hun. .friendship is something I an really struggling with the longer this goes on..excellent advice from above and I must look at link Tugsgirl sent too. I think you find a way that protects you. .that is most important right now .a good friend should understand that. I seem to have had every friend type going lately. I have friends with kids who don't invite me to kid things with no explanation just no invite then friends who know what we are going through and totally distance themselves then a friend who was successful with ivf and talks constantly about how it happened for her so will happen for me and regularly shoes scam picture. if I am honest I feel friendship issues have been a huge struggle and sadly this has changed me for the worse and some friendships for the worse too.whole thing sucks. I used to be so sociable and I find us know hiding away for self protection xxx

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Thank you, sorry you’re having similar with your friends it’s so tough! I’m exactly the same apart from my best friend, my other friends have kind of dipped in and out of my life and not always for the right reasons. I’m going to more honest with her this time and see where it goes least I’ll know I’ve given it a chance. How’s the tww going? Xx

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good for you..to be honest I am feeling a bit negative which I hate being as dh always so positive...I just not convinced it will ever work tbh..no symptoms at all so guess probably not looking good..never ever had implantation bleed and not looking like getting one now either..will I ever see two lines 😢sorry bet you wished you hadn't asked xx

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Don’t be sorry, I’m exactly the same feel like I’m constantly negative but I think it’s kind of like self protection. No symptoms isn’t always a bad thing though, when is OTD? Xx

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really?tbh I wouldn'the know what symptoms felt like anyway as never had a bfp 😢otd a week today..just done my mindfulness so trying to feel a bit more positive oh and I am out with two very supportive pals tonight so that helps. .both have kids but just seem so understanding. xx

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Yeah I’ve read people having no symptoms, I’m keeping everything crossed it’s 5th time lucky! Oh that’s good, I hope you manage to enjoy your evening xx

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Thinking of you Vic I really really hope next week brings you so much joy hun. You really deserve this so much. You'll be in my prayers lovely. Big hugs 💗🤗😘

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Thank you so so much..hope you doing ok xxx

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I'm fine hun, just got the flu, hope your starting to feel positive bless ya 💗🤗😘

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One of my best friends went through this before me which makes me mindful of what would u do if u were in their position?? I felt incredibly helpless at that point some 10 years ago and hadn’t met my OH at that point so never imagined that it would end up with shoe being on my foot!! It’s hard for all involved as sometimes when trying to do the right thing we can end up hurting each other badly without ever meaning to! It can be soo difficult! Best wishes to you and your friend 💕 xx

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It’s hard but I don’t think you should cut her off you need all the support you can get pregnant people or not mine was my little sister who was so upset to tell me her happy news. I hated that I made her feel she had to tone down her happiness. The day she gave birth I was finding out I had cysts as opposed to eggs and she was more concerned about me that’s not fair support your friend and you will find that being around a new baby will help.

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Hi E! Hope you’re ok. Do whatever you feel don’t push yourself to do anything that you don’t like. We already have lots of things to deal with no need for extra stress. Just tell her straight forward that you like her happy for her but prefer not to talk about it . If she’s a real friend I’m sure she’ll understand you xx

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Thank you, I have been more honest with her when she told me hopefully I can continue to be. How are you? Xx

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I’m ok not very well in the past few days, hope I get better soon so tired of this pain. xx

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I totally understand your point and I think you should tell your friend how you feel. I think she will understand. I am experiencing a similar situation; I just lost my baby and my husband's sister is due very soon. She is sending photos with her belly telling us how happy she is, however without knowing what my husband and I are going through at the moment... And we do not want to explain why we are feeling this way because people may think that we are jealous about it or whatever... In no case should you feel bad about the feelings you have when a baby talking may occur and even though you know yourself that there will be babies and pregnancies around you and it is not always an easy thing to see when you are struggling, I think there is no harm to tell your friend you are happy about her but it is best to refrain from this kind of discussion. You will talk about it when you are ready x Lots of love x x

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Thank you so much, I am being more honest with her or at least trying to be. I hope thinks become a little easier with your SIL and maybe your able to tell her one day just how hard things have been for you xx

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I know exactly how you feel (or felt at the time of posting). I think the first hurdle is finding out, it doesn’t seem fair does it? Times a healer, if she’s a good friend don’t let this come between you. You will be ok, I’ve had my meltdowns and picked myself back up again. After a few days it’s not such a shock, we soldier on xx

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It sure doesn’t, still now I think how have I lost 2 babies and she’s got 2 - not that I’d wanted her to go through this but my heart hurts for me. Thank you xx

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I know I can relate completely xx

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Hi ya, don't apologize for the ramble, I know exactly how you feel!

i'm lucky enough to have a lot of really amazing girlfriends. However, there's only me & two other of my girls that haven't started a family yet. And one of them has only decided this year that she wants children, when she previously swore she never wanted them ever. (she's apparently going to start trying next year)

I am finding myself distancing myself from all the girls as none of them have struggled to conceive (or at least nothing beyond trying for a year, but not getting near looking into being referred to a fertility specialist) so they just don't understand how it feels to watch people you love go through pregnancies, tough or easy, then have their happy ever after.

I think what's harder for me as well is that I'm not married. My partner & I have been together for nearly 12 years so not only have I watched ALL of my friends get engaged, then get married, then have children, I've not experienced ANY of that for myself.

My relationship is rock solid but it just feels like the last ten years have been one blow after another.

Definitely tell your friend how you feel, it sounds like she loves you & wants you in her life so I think she will respect whatever distance you need to help with your well-being through this really tough journey.

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I feel that same about the marriage thing. My partner and I have been together for just over six and have been trying for 3 years. I wasn't too worried about not being married when we started trying as we'd just bought and house and felt that children were more of a commitment. 3 years on we still don't have a child and I'm desperate to get married but he hasn't asked! I hate it because both when I have a child and when I get married is completely out of my control. grrrrr!

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It's so frustrating isn't it!

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Thank you for your message, your right people don’t realise just how tough the struggle is. It’s so frustrating when people can just decide to have children now it suits them 🤔 you never know maybe one day your partner will surprise you with a proposal. I’m trying to be more honest with my friend just feeling exhausted with always being upset x

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I completely get where you're coming from; Exhausted is definitely the right word

Hope things stay good with you & your friend love x

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ohhhh i so feel for you, this journey is so hard, and affects everything - including our friendships and relationships with family. unless someone has been through it, they haven’t a clue how hard it is.

it’s exhausting and relentless.

if you can be honest with close friends and family, it definitely helps, but even that can be painful.

it’s so reassuring to read all the posts above as sometimes i feel like i’m going slowly mad in my lonely bubble i created!

sending you love & light - we are all behind you 💕✨💕✨

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My dear I had this situation many times and I think d best way to go at it is to meet her person and speak ur heart out . I'm sure she'll understand how hard it can b for us who are suffering silently and relentlessly. And then it'll be easier for her to understand ur situation and act accordingly.

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Hi, I understand how hard this is. Me and my husband have been trying to conceive for 4 years. His brother met a new a new partner after loosing his long term love to cancer. Within 2 months of meeting her they were pregnant, just as me and OH found out we would need IVF. It's so hard to try and feel happy and positive because although you shouldn't you always feel, why not me. After waiting a year to start our IVF because of other medical issues, we got knocked back for funding, just as his brother then announced they were pregnant again within months of having their first.

Depending on how I am feeling always affects if I want to attend family events but then if i don't go i always regret it.

Take one stage at a time. Explain to her that you are happy for her but its extremely hard for you to hear this with what you are going through. She will understand if she is a true friend. I guess we cannot feel negative towards people who are lucky enough to be able to conceive naturally, as much as life is unfair at times xxxxxxx

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