Becoming isolated

I was wondering if anyone else is feeling similar.

I am gradually feeling heaps more positive after my recent MC calamities and am looking forward to a holiday and then getting healthier for our next ICSI round in May. Things are definitely getting back to ‘normal’ or at least ‘IVF normal’!!

I think my partner and I are closer than ever after our recent sadness and health issues, and my family have been great too, parents don’t know about ivf, sister does, finally admitted about MC to parents and feel better they know about that at least

But I’ve realised that aside from partner and family I am increasingly avoiding social contact with friends and work colleagues. I am avoiding the office and cancelling friends. If I am in a social situation I keep my head down and keep quiet. I’ve always been life and soul and can’t bear to see or talk to people. Mainly because they don’t know what we are going through. And they all want to talk, about how rubbish their life is, how awful it is to be pregnant, how lucky I am I don’t have kids, what a terrible day they’ve had because their boss shouted at them.. and they have no idea what’s happening to me and it either upsets me or I get angry. It’s not just the MC it’s the IVF too - none of them know anything. Work colleagues just think I’ve had women’s troubles and should be functioning normally! Trouble is I don’t care about work it’s my lowest priority right now!

Has anyone else found themselves like this? I can’t decide if it will pass or if I need to force myself out before I have no friends left! I am still going out etc but only with OH or family no one else

Thanks so much sorry for long post xx

[Kitcat12]

I could have written this post. In the end I had to tell people what was going on. It was worse for me not to acknowledge it. I felt like by not saying we had done treatment and miscarried it was like our baby never existed. And so I told people, friends first, who were amazingly supportive. And even work colleagues. It has ended up that I've been signed off work for a month, but at least when I return people will know what I've been through and hopefully might give me a bit of extra compassion. Only you know what is right for you, you might not want to tell anybody what has happened but it's so difficult going through this with only your partner for support (even if he's a really amazing support system for you). Whether you choose to discuss it with them or not, definitely spend time with friends and try to feel like yourself x

[Hidden in reply to Kitcat12]

Thats really interesting and thanks for getting back to me. I have officially been signed off for 2 separate weeks for my two ops but in reality have been in the office 1 day in the last month and just 'worked from home'. I was bleeding too much to try the commute.

I am fine, here at home, in my little bubble.. the thought of the small talk and the 'normality' of life when its anything but normal really panics me. I think my OH and family think I am fine because outwardly I look it and seem it.. but I just can't face conversation with people that don't know what's happened. Maybe I should tell people, my OH doesn't want me to as we both know it will ruin my career prospects.

You are right, I do feel like people should acknowledge it. I guess the problem I also have is last time I had my MC I wasn't nearly so upset but was so surprised by everyones dismissive 'my friend had 2 and she's got a baby now' type comments when they have no idea about IVF etc.

I really hope you are feeling a little better. Shame we all don't live close to each other we could all go out together xx

[Kitcat12 in reply to Hidden]

I think I am just lucky that everybody I have now told have been amazingly supportive and I've had no comments like that, maybe I would feel differently about it if I had. Even if you just confided in one friend, it might just feel nice to acknowledge it? Career prospects is also an interesting one! My boss knew throughout my treatment, but now there are redundancies being made at work and it does terrify me that I'll be top of the list. So I can understand why you'd rather keep it quiet at work!

[Emma04]

I get this completely, after both our miscarriages in the last few months apart from work I haven’t been able to go out with friends. It’s half term and I am a teacher and I’ve been saying no to all invites to coffee etc. I love my friends but right now I’m not in the right place and I’m fed up of plastering on a smile and trying to please others only to come home and break down. So for now I’m being bloody selfish, trying to be kind to me and do nice things at home. I know at some point I’ve got to force myself out of this but hey my friends understand and if they are good friends they’ll still be there when I come through this. I think you should do what makes you most comfortable right now. You’ll come through this - it’s all about stages of grief and accepting what’s happened. Wishing you all the best and sending lots of love x

[Hidden in reply to Emma04]

Thanks so much and I am so sorry you are feeling the same - but it’s also really reassuring. I was hoping it was just a ‘phase’ and agree I guess at some point we will have to force ourselves out but I like the idea of being selfish and doing what suits us right now. Thank you and hope time is healing and you end up with a happy ending soon xx

[Emma04 in reply to Hidden]

Same back at you Daisy - wishing you your happy ending too xxx

[SiljeNor]

Sounds like you need to take some time off. Anything ivf or icsi is extremely stressful. You cannot force yourself doing something you do not feel like. I’d advise you to have some relaxing time for yourself and your partner. It’s really bad for your mental health to also feel so much guilt.

For me surrogacy is going really tough. Nothing too serious, just all of that normal stuff kills me. There’s a lot of going on. And no one can expect a woman who’s been through a lot to be cheerful every single day. You know, I always try to find time for just me. I need that. And you do too. Perhaps, go a talk to someone outside of your close circle. Seek some counselling, it always helps me to listen to someone comforting me. And you need that blanket over yourself.

I hope you get enough energy from our support. It’s just something that you need to wait to pass. It’ll get better. You’ll get better.

Good luck!

[Hidden in reply to SiljeNor]

Thanks so much and sorry for all you are going through.

I agree bottling up isn’t helping and I should maybe do counselling - I was thinking that this morning - my only problem is the counsellor at my clinic made me feel worse when I saw her after our failed cycle. She made me feel guilty! I think I will look into paid counselling locally or NHS options

Wishing you so much luck in your surrogacy journey xx

[Emma04 in reply to Hidden]

I think counselling can help, IF you can find the right person for you. It has helped me, I feel like I can offload all those thoughts in my head but I think you need to find the right person xx

[SiljeNor in reply to Hidden]

I agree about the right counselor. As it also depends on a person seeking help. As professional one can be it does not matter if you do not click.

Try a few times perhaps. But do not feel discouraged if you do not find the right person right away!

Lots of love!!!

[2-shades-of-hope]

So sorry you’re going through this but I understand what you are saying as I feel very similar. I told my friends as I felt it explained (justified?) my ‘weird’ behaviour. I know what you mean about the comments from people. They mean well but we all know thinking positively doesn’t magically repair chromosomal abnormalities. Xx

[Hidden in reply to 2-shades-of-hope]

So sorry you are feeling the same way, it looks like we’ve had quite similar journeys to date. I think if I felt telling my friends would achieve anything then I would I am not sure I will get the empathy I expect - so this is making me question the friendships completely tbh! I have always been the supportive one and they either don’t want kids (HATE the idea) or pop them out at a rate of knots and then a BFN is the same as a MC!

Hope you have made some progress with your double transfer decision and this round results in a very happy ending xx

[2-shades-of-hope in reply to Hidden]

Thank you. It’s a horrible feeling when you’ve been supportive through all their issues and you don’t get that in return. It really is so difficult. My friends who don’t want children are just like why are you doing this to yourself, think I’m crazy. Put yourself first when you need to and don’t feel guilty for that xx

[Kelpineapple]

I am totally with you and feel like you’ve just looked straight into my head!! My brother in law and his wife have just had baby number 2 and are constantly moaning about how tough it is having 2 kids. Long and short I want to tell them to f*** off!! I’ve been seeing a counsellor who helped put it in perspective - if it was easy for me to get pregnant I’d be moaning in that situation too and in the big scheme of things does it affect me ? Apart from being annoying it doesn’t and I need to focus on me and hubby and our journey.

It’s shit it really is but think of number one and those friends that are true friends will be there the other side. You are the most important and do what makes you happy. 💛

[Hidden in reply to Kelpineapple]

Thanks lovely, and sorry you are having a rough time too. Got everything crossed this end for a positive outcome for your 2ww - masses of luck xx

[HollieW]

It is so tough and eventually I told a selection of close friends so they knew I was not going mad and ignoring them when I needed time away from everything. IVF can be a really lonely place so it's important you are able to talk about it with some of your friends so they can tailor some of the things they say to you and understand if you have to cancel plans. I hope things start getting better for you and that all goes well in readiness for your next round in May xx

[Hidden in reply to HollieW]

Thanks so much, I think you are right you do need to sometimes talk to people, good advice xx

[aamiller405]

I can totally relate I feel massively isolated in this journey and feel like I've caused most of the isolation. I just hope that it will all be worth it in the end and when I hopefully have a successful pregnancy I will return to the normal me. I guess not all my friends will be there waiting but the ones that matter will be xo

[Hidden in reply to aamiller405]

Yes, I guess you are right, in a way maybe this is a good quality checking process!?

I think I am learning from all these answers that actually isolation is normal and can be a good thing because its self protection. I feel better knowing other people feel similar.

Masses of luck for your cycle xx

[Jenjen84]

I totally relate to that isolation and think its all part of the process if I am honest. I had a miscarriage last year which really threw me. I decided on that day to tell my boss who was very understanding. Prior to that, I didn't want my work to know anything about our IVF journey due to career progression (I am an Accountant and succession plans are ALWAYS going on in my office) but to my surprise, my work have been very understanding about it all and have actually made the whole process a lot easier to deal with with regards to future cycles (having time off and not needing to come up with so many excuses!! ).

My friends know our struggles which I guess makes it easier to a degree as when I do isolate myself (I did pretty much most of last year), they have understood and have left me too it. I feel a bit stronger now but I think that is because I am focusing on the next round.

Do what makes you feel comfortable and try not to beat yourself up for not doing stuff or seeing people. If they are true friends, they will understand. You will get through this, sometimes you have to think about number one and thats you and your partner!

Take care xx

[Hidden in reply to Jenjen84]

Thanks so much for replying. Every so often I feel like shouting it out at work but its ALL men bar one pregnant woman who is currently talking about suing for unfair treatment during pregnancy so its not an ideal time!! Add to that I think there has been an element of unfair treatment which would just be replicated if I announced I was TTC. I am not sure any of them would understand anyway?! But you are right there is no right or wrong way to feel or deal with things, and me and OH are definitely the most important thing right now soon followed by our one day he/she will arrive baby.

I really hope your next round is the one for you and all goes well. I think maybe I will be better nearer May when we get to start again. At the moment there are days when all feels so hopeless and helpless because I can't proactively do anything xx

[londonrc]

Hi Daisy, I totally understand too where you are coming from. As many of these lovely women who have replied to you do. I have been on the TtC road for about 5 yrs now and have gradually felt more and more isolated from my friends. Mainly because when I met them I just didn’t want to put on a smiley face anymore- it was just easier not to meet up. As you said just to be in your own home bubble is enough. I am a very private person - I haven’t even told my family much of what we have been through - counselling has helped but now I have just come to terms with it a bit more. For a while as my husband said I was ‘obsessing ‘ with ttc - a good friend of mine who knows we are trying when I told her I was pregnant last ( and what my husband has said) she agreed that I probably was- not what I wanted to hear as she obsesses about her own health issues! So situations like that just make friendships more distant and I don’t want to talk to her much about it anymore and I just keep things very brief when/ if I do. I have decided now to ‘ obsess’ less ( it’s so hard when you want something you will do anything to get it) not worry about cooking fresh food every night , having the odd drink and enjoying it. No one understands what we are going through unless they have been through it themselves - also I know this sounds weird but I just didn’t want anyone pity for me. I know most of it would have been concern but I just didn’t want that with family or friends. So I have become close with a couple of people from forums who are / have gone through similar - and thank god for them. This forum is also great, however I have to dip in and out otherwise I have noticed it can get a bit too much for me at times. Anyway I wish you all the best on your continued journey - even before this journey I was told by a counsellor a few years ago that as your life goes on some friends come into your life, some go out and some go out and come back in at a later time- no matter what’s going on in your life- an interesting point - so I haven’t beaten myself up too much about it as you shouldn’t either. X

[Hidden]

I totally get this. I think we all have our own bubbles, even within the ttc community. I’ve been surprised by how unsupportive some very good friends I’ve told have been. I guess it’s really not something you get unless you’ve experienced it. I told ppl in my work that I’m having some health problems but it’s not something I want to go in to but it does mean I’m a bit unwell some days and/or feeling shit. That’s stopped insensitive questions/comments when I get in late or sneak off for appointments. I think when you’re feeling off/pending appointments /anxious about the next stage and the bigger picture it’s inevitable that you’re not feeling sociable. I think just do the things that feel ok. all this is really about survival and doing what’s necessary to keep yourself healthy and sane. X