Since my negative test on Wednesday I’ve been devastated and I am not going to try again due to my age. My partner has been useless at supporting me. I was crying all day in bed on Wednesday and he just lied next to me cuddled me for a bit but was on his iPad otherwise. The next day I was still grieving and he came into the bedroom in his cycle shorts as he was getting ready to go on the bike and asked me sarcastically if I was gonna waste another day being miserable and stay in bed. Then he got on the wrong side with me and I said you could offer help or try and take me for a coffee and chat. He didn’t utter a word after I had a negative test and when I said to him why he doesn’t talk to me he said what do you want me to say? Is this normal behaviour? Does anyone else’s partner act like this? I got myself so drunk last night on two bottles of wine given I’d not drunk for 16 months and also my light weight so I got intoxicated and puked everywhere and was apparently disoriented. He went into his room and shut the door at me as I was crying and I hated the fact that he was ignoring me in such a vulnerable time of my life. I felt so sick that I called the ambulance and they came as I had suicidal thoughts. The paramedic was lovely and had a similar story to mine. She lost a 36 weeks baby and her husband wasn’t being understanding and sadly their relationship didn’t last. They took me to hospital due to low blood pressure and intoxication and also she advised it’s better to have a break from home. He didn’t even bother to come and speak to the medics or get in the ambulance with me so went to hospital on my own. He didn’t even call or send a message to find out how I was and I was sick as a dog. I am feeling at my lowest not only because I lost my two beautiful embryos but more so lack of moral support from my partner hurts me. They wanted me to see a mental health doctor in A&E but I didn’t want to wait for 7 hours given I’d already waited 4 hours. So I got a taxi home and he was in bed but mad at me. He didn’t want to talk to me and when I asked him if he wants me to go he said he doesn’t know. He said I was out of order last night and embarrassed him in front of his parents which I agree but the question is that should he not factor that I’m mentally consumed and grieving my loss plus having my aunt on her deathbed… he’s still in a mood even though we spoke and I don’t know how I can lift up my mood given he’s blaming me for everything that happens last night as if no part of the story was caused by him. Any support or advice would be appreciated xx
Mental health-Failed cycle impacting ... - Fertility Network UK
Mental health-Failed cycle impacting my relationship
Hey Milo
I’m so sorry to hear your going through at such a hard time, I really hope you’re feel better with support from the lovely people on this group.
I’ve had a miscarriage this week so I know hard it is, could you talk to your family or friends?
Sending you all the strength & support I can xx
My mum wasn’t aware of my IVF treatment as I was only going to surprise her with the good news and now that we haven’t got the good news I won’t be feeling her. My sister is my saving angel but she lives in London and I’m in the West Midlands. She’ll be very upset if she knows I got myself intoxicated. To be fair his parents were lovely to me and when I came home his mum gave me a big cuddle and his dad made me cups of tea and offered me food. I apologised to them for the mess I made last night and she asked me to be quiet and focus on getting better. It’s just that my partner can’t show me enough compassion and keeps blaming me for drinking myself to death. I’m fortunate I can speak to my fellow members on this group. Thank you for being there to listen to me! Xx
Hi Milo, I am sorry to hear of what you are going through. It is such a difficult time and hope all things work out for you. Spend time with people who support you fully x
I am really sorry you feel this low and have not the support expected, some people deal in different ways their pain or disappointment (sadness) -sorry English is not my first language.
And sometimes we look for support on the wrong person, maybe he is not the correct one for that, and you need some counselling, Someone that can truly help with wise words and good tools to get over this process or stage.
Remember it will pass and a solution will come to your heart to heal with him or without him.
thank you very much for your kind words. I spoke to his mum today about this and she said maybe he is not able to show his sadness and reacts differently to a loss. I really don’t want to judge him and know that what I did to myself wasn’t the right thing too but I think it’s fair that he takes part of the faults and accept that I only turned to alcohol because of lack of moral support. That doesn’t justify it but he could’ve avoided the situation or at least show some care when I was taken to hospital. It’s too early for me to think of ending my relationship as right now I’m dealing with a grief and don’t want to worsen my pain. But I agree with you, I have faith that I’ll get through it one day. Hugs and kisses to all you caring women xx
Hi Milo,
I’m so sorry to hear about what you’re experiencing. Grief can be all consuming at times. However, your husband is probably seeing what this grief is doing to you and has started to become resentful about what this process has done to you and thus your relationship. I find that sometimes men can be very logical. He has probably compartmentalised his feelings about the negative test and sees you as his priority at this point. He may be feeling helpless and be unsure of how to support you. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t care. He is probably processing everything very differently to you (as his mum has said) and is struggling to deal not only with the fact that this hasn’t worked but also how to emotionally support you. I would always say communication is key. Talk to him about how you are feeling and why. Be open and express what you need from him right now. Try not to make any hasty decisions about ending the relationship as you are likely to be very emotional at the moment. Infertility, even for the strongest of couples, can be detrimental. However, you and your partner very much need each other right now and I’m sure you can work things out but there are some difficult conversations to be had. Are you having/have you thought about counselling? I truly hope you’re feeling better soon. Take care x
So sorry to hear about your loss Milo. I agree with what most people have said, we all process things differently. I have had to actually google instructions how to comfort people properly, screenshot that and send it to my husband and talk him through it multiple times. As in, please validate my feelings, hold me, tell me you love me, I know you like to be left alone but I don't, I'm different, I need you there, let me cry, that's my coping mechanism, just keep bringing me tissues, just be there for me, without pushing me to get better or suggesting ways out. Communication is key, actual words through your mouth, even though you feel like it's a given and why do I have to spell it out. But sometimes you do because we are all different. I hope you manage to talk to each other and hear each other. And, yes, counselling is the best thing in the world! I was very lucky to get it shortly after my negative test and then after my miscarriage. I don't know where I'd be without therapy. No talking to my friends or husband could compare to that. Sending you lots of hugs xx
Hi milo, I’m so sorry to hear you are feeling this way. My heart goes out to you, it really does ❤️ ❤️ When my first cycle failed, I was so intensely heart broken - I never thought I’d ever recover. I remember crying all through night, not sleeping or eating… And the hormones made it all ten times worse 🫤 I also learned that my partner and I grieve in different ways - my reaction is very instant and emotional, whereas his is delayed and comes out in other ways. He needs space but I need comfort, which was really frustrating. It took us a while to learn how best to support the other, given what I need is so different to what he needs. Every relationship is different so I’m not saying this is what is happening in yours - just that I understand what it’s like to not be on the same page.
One thing that helped me with my grief was speaking to a counsellor. Your clinic should have someone to recommend. In the interim, you may want to consider having a contingency plan in case you experience these negative/self destructive/suicidal thoughts again - eg., calling a friend or a help service like Samaritans
Hi Milo, I’m so so sorry this is happening. You’re grieving, and it sounds like your husband is too. I can’t excuse his behaviour towards you, but after my first ivf round resulted in baby loss, my husband’s behaviour was very odd. I couldn’t understand why he didn’t cry, and yell, and feel angry at the world like me. He explained later that his way of coping was to close himself off.
I really would recommend counselling, as the other ladies have. There are specialist fertility counsellors, and your clinic may be able to recommend one too. I know mine has a couple on staff, for these exact situations. You could attend on your own or as a couple. The first one was free. It’s something to think about anyhow.
Please be kind to yourself. I drank when I lost my baby. I needed an outlet. Admittedly it wasn’t a healthy one, but it’s done now. What you’re going through hurts like hell. If your husband’s a bit useless right now, lean on friends or family, or on a counsellor. It’s what they’re there for x x
hi Milo, I’m sending you lots of strength, resilience and love. I know exactly how the depths of despair feel after a negative test… are you sure you don’t want to share with your mum? It’s best to have a wide support network. Maybe it’s best to try some counselling too if you haven’t yet? Try having a calm heart to heart with your partner and tell him you understand it’s tough for him also and that you still appreciate him the same. Sending lots of love, please know you are not alone and this community is always ready to lend a sympathetic ear x
Hi Milo, I’m sorry to hear about your BFN and it’s impact on you. I completely understand after several of them how it impacts you and have also done the getting drunk and crying myself to sleep. I wondered if you would consider speaking with your GP? My last bfn (7th embryo transferred I took much better and it really think it’s due to the antidepressants I was prescribed and counselling.
I really would recommend contacting your clinic and asking them for some time with their councillors - as far as I know most clinics have them.
The stage you are at with your process is different to me as it’s your last embryo (I only have one left now) so can only imagine how hard it is facing that’s the end of your fertility treatment journey. I really think men and women take the failures differently- my partner is really supportive but on failed cycles just says ‘what’s meant to be will be’ - when I got to the bottom of why he takes it better than me it’s because he never had much faith in it working so wasn’t as let down.
I really hope you can get the support you need ❤️
Hi. I’m really sorry. I had to do IVF IMSI at 38 due to my husband having poor morphology. I’m lucky enough to have a son but it did take a toll on my relationship. I’ve doing IVF again for a sibling but it’s been harder this time around as I was 40 when I had to start IVF again. I had so many delays and clinic would not let me do more cycles when my egg quality was better due to not giving me time to renew my passport! I had a missed miscarriage at 8w 1d in August and still finding things difficult. What makes it worse is my Mum is not in good health and my Dad had a stroke when I was pregnant with my son. It’s now caused dementia.
The relationship between myself and my husband has been affected. I have been in tears too and gone to bed crying.
Can you have counselling? IVF is so hard. Is there any chance you could just have a break from IVF? You say your age is an issue but I have a friend who got pregnant with her first at nearly 44. Your IVF clinic should be giving you more support. I’m so sorry. Sometimes a clinic can review what went wrong last time and it can be something simple to put right.
I think it’s common for men not to know how to help.
Thank you so much for your message and sorry to hear about your miscarriage and your parents health! My heart goes to you such a superman. My clinic told me the the transfer was the best way it could be. I had two blastocysts and a think endometrium lining around 11mm. He said this is the best it could be so I would just put the failed cycle to possible abnormal cells within the embryos that can’t be checked. I think your formed has been an absolutely lucky woman to have success at 44. I’m reading on the forums about women over 40 who’ve done multiple cycles and haven’t reached success yet. Some clinics also don’t recommend own eggs over 40 and recommend donor eggs which is not the route I’d wanna go. I still think I might have success through ivf but how many cycles is it going to take I don’t know. That uncertainty and financial constraints makes me think the journey is over for me. Thank you so much for all the support you lovely fellow members are giving me and letting me know I’m not alone xx
I know of people who have had success with PGS testing. I had a really good cycle at 40 but couldn’t have more due to clinic’s delays and then my fsh rose. If your egg quality is still good, you could look into PGS testing. I also did IMSI as my husband’s morphology was poor but better when I was 40. I also think grading and assisted hatching works well. Did you do Emma, era, Alice and nk cells before transfer? I had very low nk cells in endometrium and slightly high nk cells in blood. The treatment for nk cells in endometrium worked. I did not take steroids for slightly high nk cells in blood which my consultant advised me on as I was getting recurring bv due to antibiotics I was taking and not being educated on probiotics. I have 5 day 5 blastocysts left frozen and my husband has had enough.
It’s really hard. Did you do IMSI? IMSI is advised just in case there is high dna fragmentation from speed. Icsi never worked for us. Also PIMSI is even better.
You need to do what works for you. I do think counselling can help. It’s good you have supportive in laws.
I didn’t do any of these tests you mentioned. My partner had ridiculously low sperm count and hence we were advised to do icsi but no other tests were done and if I’m honest I’m not sure how much they’re going to help. I read stories of people pumping tens of thousands into fertility corporates and walking out empty handed. I had four eggs on my first cycle and only two survived and that was back in March. Repeating another cycle I’m expecting fewer eggs and lower possibility of fertilisation. I’m dealing with a period of uncertainty and can’t see putting myself through another roller coaster relating a cycle. The past 6 months was hard enough. I’m going to seek counselling to work on a closure although I know there might be chances but the likelihood of that is quite low. Thank you so much for all the help and advice that you lovelies give me on this page.
I'm sorry for what you are going through. We have a similar story behind us.
You are going through a lot right now and you need help. Professional help. You lost your babies and a possibility of having one. That is unthinkable. Do not forget that your party is going through the same thing. He may present differently, but he is also grieving. After our first lost my husband started going cycling daily for hours. That's how he reacted. I cried and cried and still occasionally cry 4 years later.
Talk to your mum, even if she didn't know, that feeling won't go away quickly and you need support and people to understand you. Your family may ask about your plan for a baby and you will get angry/upset butvthey won't understand unless you're open with them.
Look after your mental health, nobody can make you happy - only you can.
thank you so much, your kind words made my tears running again! My mum has her sister in a deathbed right now. Maybe I tell her later when there’s less drama in our family and when I have recovered from this. Thank you again for reading my post and caring to reply xx
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