Failed cycle with donor eggs and sperm

After 2 months of treatment, medication and the emotional stress of it all, today was test day. I was absolutely dreading it and couldn't sleep, then the 3 minute wait and sadly it was another fail.

I've had 4 rounds of treatment altogether, 3 with IUI using my own eggs and 1 with donor egg and sperm. I've felt so lost today and don't want to give up on the idea of being a mum but at £7000 for 1 try it's a lot of money to keep dishing out. Words fail me as to how I'm feeling right now. I've decided to give my body a break from the medication, emotional stress and money for a while and to think about it again next year, once I've helped my mum to move and then I can feel more settled.

I guess though, I haven't got many options available to me; either I give another £7000 to it (making that £12,000), or think about adoption/fostering - I'd only be able to do this if I had an allowance as I wouldn't be able to afford a 2 bed property otherwise on my own. Even though I think fostering is a great thing to do, not sure how I feel as they wouldn't be my own and I would have to give them back.

Life can feel so unfair at times x

39 Replies

  • I'm so sorry to read that result. A break to rest and think about other things is a good idea. Stay in touch with us though.

  • I think when you've had several failed attempts you start to believe they will all be like that x

  • I am really sorry things did not work out. Your emotions must be all over the place so I think sometime away from the fertility world will help the healing process. You have been so strong so far and I am sure you will find the strength to recover.

    Sometimes I think to myself that life can be cruel but God would not put us in this situation if he knew we would not cope.

    Lots of love. Xxx

  • It's hard for a lot of us women going through treatment as to know what to do next when you have this strong feeling to be a mum.

    I would like to think that I believe in God but to be honest, he hasn't been there much for me so I've lost a bit of faith in him really.

    Thank you x

  • This whole process is just plain cruel and unfair. I'm so sorry it didn't work. That 'what's next' questions always the toughest but only you know what's best for you - physically, emotionally and financially. We're all in this together. Chin up darling x

  • Thank you x

  • So sorry it was a bfn, look after yourself xxx

  • Thank you x

  • Oh hon I'm so so sorry, sending you a massive hug. This process is just so hard😫

  • Yes it is, thank you x

  • So sorry for your fail, it's so upsetting and frustrating. Big big hugs I really feel the heartache that it brings .. Have a breather and then have a re think, you will know when it's all too much or want to carry on xx

  • Thank you - I don't want to feel I'm giving up so it's still in my mind x

  • So sorry to hear this, have you thought of having treatment abroad? It's cheaper and seems to be better success percentages? Xx

  • I have but there are a few things that bother me about having treatment abroad; one the language barrier and are they a safe and clean hospital and also for a child to be able to trace their donor parents - there are a lot of countries that don't and I personally think they should as they are part of them.

    Thank you for your reply x

  • Really sorry to hear this. BFN are so disheartening. Do what feels right for you. Sometimes a break from it can do you the world of good. It is a grossly unfair situation none of us should be. Be kind to yourself. x x x

  • Thank you x

  • I'm so sorry you got a BFN. Take lots of care and look after yourself.

  • Thank you x

  • Hi distinction, I'm so sorry to hear this, I hope they can find some answers for you. Have a good rest and pm me if you wish, I'm in the same boat so I do understand. Take care of yourself xx

  • Thank you - let me know how you get on too. There are a lot of us in this same situation x

  • Oh hun im so sorry to hear this. U really deserved to get better news after having the courage to do this journey independently! I wish there were words to make you feel better but there just aren't.Take some time for yourself now and look after yourself.Really feel heartbroken for you. Sending big hugs xxx

  • Thank you - I have PM you!

    I guess there are a lot of women in my situation but it's knowing where to go from here which is the difficult bit! x

  • Many thanks and yes by all means keep in touch x

  • Ah so sad to read this. Your story touched me more as I have done 3 rounds of IVF alone with doner sperm, sadly bfn and 2 miscarriages and I had to take many months out as I needed to go off the rails abit, try and ditch that awful feeling after all the effort and it does not work, I am building up for frozen embryo, I have one but after that I need to consider what to do, like you it is so expensive, and at crossroads as to doner egg, do I try much to think about but think time out for short while for you good idea...enjoy part of summer if you can. Sending you big hugs and thanks for sharing your story xxx

  • You too - thank you for your reply. If you need someone to talk too by all means PM me x

  • It is really hard and without a doubt unfair. Sounds like you need a break. You are very brave for doing it alone. Jy husband and I can't afford round after round. We've already said we're going to do 1 round abroad & a frozen transfer then we will go to adoption. We are using donor eggs x

  • Well that's the thing with using donor eggs, they aren't always as good a quality as you may think. When I went through mine, I thought there would be some to freeze and there weren't any but that's not the impression you get when your deciding. The 2 I had transferred where just a standard quality.

    I can't afford it either to keep on paying out and that's what makes it even harder. Depending on what they say about adoption as to whether there is any allowance for doing it, will depend on whether I can do it as I wouldn't be able to afford to pay for a 2 bed property on my own but hopefully I won't be on my own always!

    All the best and thank you for replying x

  • I am so sorry to read this, it is so unfair after everything you have been through.

    You have shown great strength and resilience so an emotional and physical break sounds like just the job. Be downright lovely to yourself and have some time to heal. You'll then be better placed to decide about the future.

    I found this article a good read when I needed to think about options. Not necessarily stopping but feeling empowered to take time to decide.

    Good luck X

  • Thank you for sending me the link, it made an interesting read.

    I think there's a big difference from saying - your going to take a break for a while versus no I'm not going to do it any more. I didn't want to fall in that category as I know how important it is for me to have my own family.

    Good luck to you too x

  • I am sorry for your failed cycle. Keep positive and your time would come. Btw have you considered treatment abroad as it is much cheaper? All the best

  • Yes - I am considering it - it's kind of just knowing which country to go too and that they would need to be able to speak English pretty well.

    Many thanks x

  • Hi Distinction - I'm sorry about your BFP. You're right it is very unfair. I think that a failed cycle carries a certain amount of grief, it's the temporary loss of hope :(

    I hope you can take some time out for yourself and when you're ready you will know what steps to take next. Sending hugs x x x

  • Thank you! Yes it is grieving as you've lost the start of a baby.

    Best wishes to you x

  • I'm new here. it's so sad to read about the negative results of reproductive treatment. it's seems that i'm on my way to my first ivf ever. i have very obscure knowledge about it, though. now i know it costs a lot and it's not always effective. it's a great risk. in the meantime, i know that for many people it's the only way out. i have a genetic disease and i'm so hesitant of what to do further. hopefully, i can get more information on forums and google . i hope it'll keep us decide

    good luck and keep trying

  • Thank you for your reply. It's certainly a hard journey, very time consuming and costly - some people are lucky and some aren't which makes it very sad for the people who aren't. During my journey all I did was think about babies, not much else was going on apart from that and now I've had 4 fails, I'm feeling rather lost.

    I would try to get as much help and support from your clinic and take each step at a time. Good luck to you too x

  • That's absolutely soul destroying. I'm so sorry to hear your news. Life is so unfair.

    I've had 3 failed attempts at ICSI. When we first started IVF I thought it would be the answer to our prayers and when it failed it just blew my mind. We're now saving for donor eggs and although I'm trying to stay positive I just can't any more. I was also told that if I was considering adoption I would have to take a gap (of upto a year) following IVF failures to get over my grief and attend counselling. Why don't they just consider 'if we've gone through all this heartache already then surely we'll do whatever it takes to be the best mum we can'. I can understand this 2 bed property thing. But, personally I know of quite a few families with upto 3 children living in 1 bed flats. My heart goes out to you. Wishing you best wishes and every success. Maybe taking time off will be a good thing. I watched a TED talk about minimalism, from a lady who set up a company, worked incredibly hard, had a miscarriage and then took a step back from it all and ended up having a baby. When I saw the final slide I just sobbed my heart out. Thinking of you x

  • Many thanks for your message.

    If I can give you one piece of advice - that is (re donor eggs) that it might not be as good as it comes across, that's my argument! In fact, I sent a complaint afterwards and they are looking into it. I doubt whether I am going to get anywhere with it but thought it was worth a try and at least they know I am a statistic who isn't happy!

    I've felt completely on my own trying to deal with all the issues that have come up and it's as if they just don't care sometimes - after 2 years of tests and treatment, I'm left on my own to deal with things.

    Good luck to you and let me know how you get on x

  • Thanks for your advice. They do try to create a very positive image don't they, of 'this will really work'. But in reality I've been waiting for 8 month for a donor and nothing. No info from clinic except 'it's been a slow Summer'. I'm beginning to feel the same as you. You get left with 'nothing'. No answers just false hope maybe. It's been maybe 4+ years for me with surgery - which left me worse off and I'm no further along. I just feel that it's a lifetime of 'waiting and hoping' and there's nothing we can do about it except jump through the hoops they keep giving us. Good for you complaining. I'm glad they have an unhappy statistic. People need to know that it's not all happy ending and a wonderful journey of support, guidance, answers and the rest.

    Will keep you posted. Take care x

  • 8 months, oh my! My clinic found me one in 3 days, so I was surprised to read that. Was there something specific that you wanted then from a donor as to why it's taking a long time?

    People don't see the reality of donor eggs sometimes - I thought it would work for me, that's why I paid £7000! I didn't give it a second thought about the grading of the embryos, they don't tell you that!

    Yes, please do keep in touch, you can always pm me if you want too or connect with me on FaceBook!

    I will put a message up about my complaint when I get a response! x

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