Looking for some advice and support on the level of stress IVF puts on our relationship with our OH’s.
Just about to start our 4 th cycle in one week and me and my partner have had the biggest blow up to the point to me leaving and have been at my friends place for 5 nights.
The fight wasn’t even about anything major! Just a silly tiff that blew up and ended in me saying I was leaving and him saying that’s fine. I only said it in the heat of the argument but it really pissed him off and I’ve barely heard from him in 5 days.
We never usually argue like this. I’ve decided to give him some space. I’ve let him know it’s normal for couples to argue, that I’m sorry and I love him but I’ve gotten nothing back.
A few of my friends say just give him space and he will settle but how much space and time is enough?
Now I’m worried he doesn’t care about me enough to get in touch and try to resolve things.
I’m going to see a councillor through the clinic to talk about my options moving forward with the IVF.
There’s so many questions going through my head atm like do I just go through the cycle and freeze everything or use donor sperm?
I’m 41 and have done everything I can for this cycle including giving up alcohol for months , supplements and weekly acupuncture and exercise. I’m never gonna be in a better position for this.
We were only doing ivf as he had had a vasectomy 20 years ago but obviously going into our 4 th round and my age it’s proven to be a bit of a challenge.
Sorry for the long post but it’s just so stressful and now I’m super confused on what to do going forward 😔
Thanks 🙏 💕
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Beclp
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Hi Beclp, to be honest, I have no advice for you but my heart sank when I read your post and wanted to offer support. IVF is such an emotional time for everyone and feelings run deep. Women often feel like men don't get it and men often feel that it's all about the women. It's difficult to communicate then. I've no doubt he will come around. However, I do feel it is a little unacceptable not to respond to you. No one should ever be ignored. Ever. You're worth more than that. Therefore, when things are better, and everything is calmer, I think you should have a polite word and tell him that you didn't like being ignored, it put alot of extra stress on you and in future, it's not acceptable. I wish you so much luck with your cycle. Everything will be ok. Try not to worry. Everything will work out.
I meant to say I advise you to continue with your cycle. Please don't waste this opportunity. Things will work out and I would hate to think you had regrets.
Thank you so much for your kind words and advice.It is starting to feel like I’m being made out that I’ve done something really terrible when I haven’t.
I will go ahead with the cycle and freeze what I get. X
Sorry to hear you are having relationship struggles, IVF puts so much pressure on us. When are you due to start the cycle? Can it be delayed a month or two? My feeling would be that it would be good to delay it to see if this can be resolved, because if you go ahead with donor sperm that may put an end to the relationship for good before you have had enough time to try and repair it. Or like you say, go ahead and freeze the eggs if they allow, but I think success is lower.
It's of course difficult to advise without knowing the couple or the situation, but sending you best wishes.
In my case we went ahead with an IVF cycle due to severe MFI, which had to be converted to freeze all due to OHSS risk. Since then my OH has freaked out and said he isn't ready and needs more time before we proceed with FET...so now we are at a stale mate with our embryos sitting in a freezer. It's so difficult to feel that pregnancy is within reach but then have something blow up and prevent it! Or when you think fertility problems are the big hurdle, but then have a whole other curve ball added.
Thank you x omg your situation sounds like a hard one too. Having those embryos right there and then your partner stalling on the transfer!Has he said why he’s freaked out ? It’s a long way to go to then make that decision.
I will go ahead and freeze all. He knows the cycle starts in one week so if I don’t hear from him by then for me I feel it will be over anyways.
It was his idea to do ivf as vasectomy reversals are not highly successful after 20 years.
Hi Beclp, I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation. IVF is very stressful for both partners and I know that my husband had the added stress of wondering if I would change if IVF continued to be unsuccessful for us and we never became parents.
It made his cautious around me and worried that I wouldn't be the person he loved anymore. I reassured him and changed my mindset to focus on what I had in my life...a husband that was willing to walk with me through the hell of IVF to have children and support me each time it crashed down and I fell apart. I stopped focussing so much on what I was lacking...a child. The shift really did help our relationship and allowed us to focus on each other and the love we had.
My husband died unexpectedly 10 weeks ago when I was 23 weeks pregnant with our little miracle. We were crazy happy and all the stress was pretty much behind us. So this is where I tell you to cherish your partner and let the small stuff go because it really doesn't matter.
You say your argument was about something small. You've reached out and he hasn't responded. It's clear you've both hurt each other. Sometimes it takes just one person open the doors of communication and sometimes that means gentle and loving persistence.
Failing that, giving space can be what is called for if you have experience in these types of arguments with your partner and know he needs space. You need to communicate in the way that best suits your relationship and dynamic. Taking advice from a friend may not help - he could be wondering why your giving him so much space, being quiet and not making the effort...or maybe it's exactly what he needs. You are the person best placed to know.
Also, you need to very carefully think if you are on the same pages regarding IVF. Do you both want to proceed with IVF or is he coming to the end of wanting to do it while you push forward? People have different breaking points and asking him what his is would be a very good start. You can't assume that he is in the same place you are...you need to be a safe place for him to genuinely communicate his position. It can be scary but I guarantee it can bring you closer together once you both have all your cards and feelings about ivf on the table. During the IVF journey feelings can really change from what they were when you started...IVF is brutal and unpredictable like that.
Thank u so much x I’m so sorry for your loss.I understand what you are saying. I’ve reached out to him 3 times since the argument to say sorry and that I want to work it out.
I said I’m giving him some space but I’m here when he’s ready to talk.I’ve got nothing back.
We did have a talk about the ivf recently as he was drinking quite a bit and I mentioned it And he got upset. He said he didnt know what he wanted anymore which got me so upset as when we first met and he told me about the vasectomy I said I wanted kids but never pushed any further. We kept talking and he said he would get his vasectomy reversed because he had such strong feelings for me and wanted to be with me.
I do feel like it got too much for him now and he doesn’t want to say it.
But too be honest, I feel like this was the last one for me. I’m done with the whole thing.
It's very hard. I agree with you though...if he isn't willing to give you the time of day after you reached out 3 times, it's unacceptable in my book and difficult to come back from. When the going gets tough..
If I'm honest, it sounds like you are on different pages and that he is thinking hard about what he wants which is also what you need to be doing. Don't write this relationship off just because he hasn't responded to you just yet. No response IS a response that he isn't in a place to talk to you yet. It's not fair but you initiated this by saying you were leaving. Certainly, he agreed...but you left.
You know in your gut the dynamics of your relationship and if this is something likely to blow over or be a more serious wound. I would start thinking about what you want...if you are determined to have children you may need to be prepared to hear that he no longer wants to do IVF...and you will have a big choice to make.
Not all relationships survive IVF treatments...but remember that not all relationships endure raising children either. You need to decide if you push forward with IVF knowing that you may be doing it alone...or that your partner is perhaps not as keen on children as you are. It's a horrible thing to think about and have to consider right now...but this fight may have brought a lot of stresses and cracks in your relationship to light. It's not fair and it hurts but try to prepare yourself for the worst while hoping for the best. Hugs.
Thank you. Yes there is definitely a lot to think about. This is the first major fight we have had in the two years we have been together so it’s all new ground.I’ll be seeing a councillor in a few days to talk it out. I’m sure I’ll be ok but it’s just a real
I wanted to reach out as me an my partner went through a similar situation just before our second round.
IVF does put a lot of stress on your relationship but like most people have said communication is key.
In our case we were both feeling overwhelmed by the process and started snapping at each other. We decided to take a month break. Had some couples counselling which really helped us communicate how we were both feeling and we worked through enough to continue with our second round the month other.
Everything is far from resolved now but we are getting there. Like all relationships it’s a work in progress but we know we are both on the same page.
Arrange to meet up with him and talk face to face. You are both hurt right now but you loved eachother enough to go through this process 3 times before … don’t give it all up over one argument.
Good luck I really hope you manage to resolve this xx
Thank you x I want to meet up and talk and I’ve offered that but I received no response.I feel at this time I need to leave him be and give him space to make up his own mind.
I need to know he wants to fight to keep this relationship going.
Really sorry you are going through this especially so close to starting an IVF round. I just wanted to share a little of my experience as my husband also had a vasectomy over 2 years ago and IVF was our only option to conceive.
I know when we decided to go down the IVF route, my husband was not as keen as me as it meant a massive change to our lives. He is 13 years older and has had kids from a previous marriage so my assumption was he did not have the same level of motivation to have a baby. had He did not want to actively stand in my way as I told him when we first met that I wanted kids just like you did but he was concerned about what having a baby means and whether it would affect our relationship negatively. The thing that got us through it was open communication both ways and lots of talking! Now that we have a baby on the way, he can’t believe he was so apprehensive about it.
I don’t know if something similar is going on with your other half as he seems to have gone quiet. It seems like something else is going on for him and not just the argument. People say things in the heat of the moment and as hurtful as they can be at the time, it is easy to talk through them even if it means being clear that such things should not repeat itself.
On the other hand, maybe you saying you were leaving him has deeply hurt him. Until he opens up, you will never really know. Really sorry you don’t have the answers right now. I can only imagine how you are feeling. Has he done this before?
As he has had a vasectomy, are you using his frozen sperm from a sperm retrieval? If you are, it depends on how your clinic operates but my clinic needed both our consents prior to each cycle. Therefore there might be a need to patch this up before then or sadly defer.
Thank you x we have never fought like this before.It was his idea to go through ivf so it hurts now to think he’s changed his mind.
Yes he was hurt when I told him I was leaving but I called him up straight away and said I didn’t mean it but I think the damage was done.
He’s not the best communicator but he does always tell me he loves me.
It’s just when there’s difficult conversations to be had I’m always the one to jump in and resolve them.
This time I need him to show me he’s willing to fight for this relationship and our future.
I think if I don’t hear from him by the time I start my next cycle I will just freeze my eggs without fertilising them. I’ve already paid for the cycle and have been prepping so hard.
Hopefully he comes around and if not it could be for the best if one fight can end us probably not best to bring a baby into that.
I hope all is going really well with your pregnancy 💕
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