Hi everyone. My name is Laura. I am old enough to start thinking about writing my will. My husband and I have decided on it a year ago, but started writing it down only recently. I do not know how to put it into words. I am sorry if you find it difficult to understand what I am talking about. But here it is. I have a son from a previous marriage. He is 25 years old. I am 49. My current husband does not have kids. That’s why we have decided to try surrogacy. He desperately wants to have kids. And I want him to be happy. I have fulfilled my duty to the world by giving birth to one of the best human beings I know. My son. But I was happy only until recently. We do not have a lot of money. However, my son is fully aware that we have some savings. He is living all alone, he’s employed and has a girlfriend. So we did not think that it’d be a huge issue when we decided to spend those money on surrogacy and other related expenses. Now. My son thought that we will be leaving those savings to him as well as the house. As we have planned to do in our will. But us going for surrogacy at this age will leave him with the house only. Or at least this is what I think he thinks. I am really upset. He threw such a tantrum as if he is 5 years old. He told us that we are crazy. That at our age it is stupid to even think of having kids. That my husband is an idiot for not planning this through when he was younger. I do not know what to do. As our relationship is completely ruined.
Surrogacy is costly. But so what, he is young and he has all the time and opportunities in the world. We have been supporting him through all of the hardships he experienced and now what…
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Your son sounds like he is being selfish but perhaps he is also feeling threatened by the idea of you having more children. I don’t think this is really a financial issue, I think it’s an emotional issue for your son coming to terms with the idea of having siblings.
In terms of the money, at 49 you may only be halfway through your life and any money plus the proceeds from the house may all have to be spent on providing care for you and your husband in your old age so he shouldn’t count on getting anything anyway- maybe point this out to him if he really is making it all about the money!
Maybe you are right. I have thought about it a lot these days. It really does seem like he is having an issue with us basically dividing the house and everything between him and our future child or children. He is 25 yo. He has a really good job, his girlfriend whom I always considered to be his future wife is amazing as well.
Leave them to consider their words and actions for a few days at least. They will realise they are being selfish and childish. It's not like you have said you are cutting him out of your life. Are they trying to have children at all? X
Yes. As far as I know they are not actively trying though. I am not a pusher myself and I totally respect any decision my son makes on this matter. Even if they decide not to have kids for now that'd be fine by me. I want him to live a happy life. So whatever makes him happy. I guess, now he is unable to fully understand where my husband comes from and what he actually feels
I am sorry but why should your son expect anything? Even Bill Gates, with loads of money, told his children he would not be leaving anything to them. It is not your sons right to demand anything. He should, as you quite rightly say he is, be standing on his own two feet.
It is not up to him to tell your husband he should have "planned better when he was younger". You and your husband have the right to do whatever you wish and it's nothing to do with your son.
He should be pleased for you and your happiness and should be pleased that there is anything for him. Some people are unable to have food on their table. Unable to feed themselves.
Sounds like he needs to grow up as you say. Hopefully his girlfriend will talk some sense into him.
I think that it is because we are a family and he just thinks that I owe him for all of the post divorce stress. Our relationship with my ex husband was rocky to say the least. My son was struggling the most. But you know, I have always felt guilty for leaving my husband. I did not love him at all, but I left just because I felt so unhappy. And now I think that it’d be so much better to keep the relationship going for the sake of my child. Perhaps that’s why he is blaming me for everything and expects me to cover up all of the mistakes of my past. His father does not stay in touch neither with me nor with him. As far as I know. But nonetheless, sometimes I feel the tension between me. a guilty parent, and my child.
Honestly, I really do not know what to do. Tried contacting his girlfriend, she did not yet reply.
We wanted him to support us. I did not even plan to ask him for money. We’ve been working hard and saving money in order to start considering surrogacy. You must know how it goes. All of fertility treatments are expensive. Maybe we should not have hidden the fact from him in the first place. I keep rethinking all of my choices now. What have I done? Why couldn’t I just trust my son, make him a priority back when me and me ex were still together. I am sorry if I sound really pitiful..
I am sorry but no matter what he should support you. You have made decisions in your life that you have felt were right at the time. What kind of life would it have been to stay with a man like your ex husband? It would have been worse for everyone. And your son feels like you "owe him" ??? I am sorry, he needs to get off his backside and go out into the world to make a life for himself. You have given him life, you have put a roof over his head and fed and clothed him. You have made decisions in life that you have felt were the best at that point in time. Rather than feeling guilty, I would feel angry. Where does he get off telling your husband he should have made better choices in life? And where does he get this entitlement from that you should be giving him all your money. Firstly, you are not dead yet! Far from it. You are living your life as he should be.
Perhaps you should consider going to counselling together? But he needs to grow up and stand on his own two feet. If anything he should be supporting you now that he is older.
That’s just what I feel like. He became really quiet when we decided to separate. He was not too young in my opinion. But in all honesty you are never ready to see your parents break up.
Maybe I should just tell him that he was rude, like you know in his face. But I love him so much. I do not want to hurt him…
I thought about the family therapy session as it was advised below. But it takes two sides to agree on it. And there is only us left..
Well, the ball really is in his court at the moment. He is not allowing you to talk with him about how you feel. He needs to stew for a week and think about what he has said. Clearly he is not answering you st the moment. So, you just have to hope that he has some sense and when he calms down and realises what he has said then he will come back and have an adult conversation with you. So hard but please continue with your plans xx
Wow… This is so weird and sad. Your son should’ve supported you. I am sorry if it comes out wrong. But I bet this is what you are thinking as well... Maybe try to talk to him? Or have you tried already? I am sure you have. Surrogacy itself is so stressful and this is totally unfair that you are going through this hell. What about your husband? How is he coping with everything? Your son had no right to be rude to him. And to you in the first place. I’m sure you raised him well. Perhaps he’s going through some struggles right now? Maybe he needs some financial support. But what did he expect? Your money is your money. You could’ve spent it traveling the world. But instead, you’ve decided to go for a baby. That’s so awesome. I’d be so happy if I could just leave here a short congratulations message.
This is a really complicated family situation. I hope it does not ruin your hubby’s dream. You both deserve being happy. Maybe try to reason your son. He’s adult after all. What kind of behavior it is… He should’ve been more understanding honestly...
We will be continuing with our plans for surrogacy anyways. But later than we have planned. We have to figure the situation out. I can’t leave it at that. My son does not answer my calls and ignores my messages. I can’t think about how he feels right now. Maybe he is starting to get jealous as if another human being will come and take everything. Of course, the will is written as a draft. We will be rethinking it once we get our first surrogacy results. Maybe that is the main reason of his anger?
That sounds reasonable. That he might just be upset over the thought of having another human being taking all of your care and attention. I think that it might as well make your relationship even stronger. You introducing a new life in your family, him taking care of his young stepsister or step brother. Woundn't it be amazing? I think you definitely should insist on having a talk with him and figure things out. We all are kids deep in our hearts and all want to feel loved. Show him your love more!
But I do not think that it's a good thing to postpone your surrogacy process. As it is usually a long run, you will still not have any results for the first few months (at least it is how it works for me)
Maybe he does. Give him some time. You know how it always goes. People change and are lead by their emotions. That's what it is, nothing more to it. Honestly. This is what I think of it at least. I saw people sharing great advice about sending letters and stuff. Try it.
It may be anything, really. What if you ask advice from a therapist or a counselor. It’d be cool if you had a family therapy session. Bet he’ll calm down in a few days. Give him some time. It may be shock or something. I wouldn’t have blamed my child for such behavior, but I’d be surprised as well. We have been seeking a surrogacy solution for quite a while. I know how hard it is to make the first step. And how desirable it may be. The baby that can be yours in a year or two. All those years of infertility long gone and you are a happy parent. It is really depressing that your son said such things. It wasn’t really good of him, it was, in reality, a very and very rude act. I am sorry if this sounds hurtful.
We ventured into the surrogacy field just because we had to. All of those factors piled up and pushed us in this direction. What else is left for us honestly? We are not young. We are almost the same age. And some people think that I am crazy, too. But I am not. I think that it is really necessary to become a mother. Just for me. Not everyone chooses this route, but whatever. And having a full family is such a blessing. I think your husband feels the same. I applaud you for trying to resolve the issue with your son.
We’re soon to be matched with our surrogate. And I wish you the same, I wish you go for it no matter what!
It seems like my son is far from understanding what both of us are going through. This is not a simple matter. And it needs a lot of explanation. As not everyone can even imagine how hard it is to even start thinking about surrogacy or adoption. And people seem to act as if it is easily done and does not require anything from you at all. We’ve been working hard and saving the money thinking that we’d either make some investitions or I do not know keep on saving. Until one evening when my husband told me that he really wants kids. I was not thinking about children at all as I have told in the post I feel fulfilled as a woman. But my husband’s wish made me think of it again. At this age, I have no hope for getting pregnant naturally or with ivf.
My pregnancy was a huge struggle for me and now I cannot take such risks. It was a nightmare honestly. I had to use wheelchair and couldn’t get up from my bed 6 months straight. My bones hurt and now I am too weak to bear a child. Honestly, I do not want even to think of getting through all of this one more time. And my age is a huge factor in our decision. Maybe it is only for the best that we did not yet chosen any clinic, or found a surrogate. We’ve almost contacted one woman who’d offered us her services. It’d be so much worse to have to explain everything to her. But, now reading all of the comments I totally think that it’d be better to not wait for too long and go for it.
I am really happy for you. You’ve done quite a lot as you are now waiting for your surrogate. Do not know what exactly that means though. Is that a common thing? As I thought that it is a pretty quick process.
We’ve yet to resolve anything with my son though. He’s very stubborn and I am afraid he won’t be accepting of anything we decide upon. Waiting for him to read our messages and trying to think about what to do next. People are advising us to seek some counselling. We definitely should have a nice and deep talk all together.
That's tough what you went through. I support you in all of your decisions.
It's not I guess. If you go independently (which I don't recommend) it's not the case at all. And some clinics can match you with a surro with a speed of light. It all depends on the situation, sometimes there's a lot of clients, sometimes - not. Our agency is quite small, hence it takes a month or so to get matched with a surro. They also need to synch the stimulation processes of her and of the donor.
Yes, the best thing here will be to talk. To express what you feel, to listen to your son's feeling as well.
In all honesty, you really should go agency only. I am part of a surrogate support group right now and a few ladies were independent and they got screwed over hardcore, through finances and other things. Agencies help make sure you get everything you are due.
Well, we are considering all of the surrogacy options, so we'll see whatever suits us better.
xxx
He needs to grow up and realize that he has his own life and whatever you leave him be it £1.00 or 100,000 pounds wasnt written in blood. You gave him life and a decent one by the sounds of things.
He will soon see that it’s not all about him do what you must he will come round if money was his driving love for you then am sorry....
Thank you for your advice! I honestly feel so overwhelmed with support. I did not think that people would support me in this situation. Honestly, I was waiting someone would tell me to cancel my surrogacy plans. But, I am now thinking that this is my life and if he feels like it, if he thinks that he is entitled to anything I have earned, he's in the wrong. I tried raising my child kind and generous, I hope that it is only temporary. Perhaps, this will be a lesson to both of us.
He won't support us when we commence the program, he won't when we welcome our child into this world. I am really afraid of it.
I understand children being that way but adults is another ball game, it seems that he feels when u leave this world it’s hisngod given right to have what u leave but he forgets that nothing in this life is guaranteed not even another days breath so he should be humble and gracious.... but he is being selfish.
I wish you well on your journey and if he doesn’t welcome a new family member always remind him it was not you that turned your back and the door is open.
Jealously is a power that can consume hopefully it doesn’t in this case.
It’s your life and you only have once chance to live it, don’t live in regrets
Yes, he is selfish. And even though I totally understand it, I cannot stop feeling guilty.. Thank you very much. I am here waiting him to just send HI. Maybe time’ll pass and he’ll get over his anger..
I think that as adults, you and your husband are entitled to spend YOUR money whatever way you wish and should never have to answer to anyone else. Do not feel guilty for your choices, whether it be to go through surrogacy or guilt for leaving your son's father. It's sad your relationship ended with his father but you did it for a reason and as an adult that was YOUR choice. I don't think you should be made to do something to keep someone else happy, you end up resenting that person. If they love you, they will understand and support you. I think it's mean that your son said that your husband should have thought about having children earlier. Well you and your husband are thinking about it now and as long as you both are happy with that decision it shouldn't matter to anyone else. Maybe your son will come around in time but it would be good to get to the bottom of the way he's feeling and maybe a good chat with him will help you both. Good luck xx
Thank you! This is really important for me. That’s true.. It is our choice and we are entitled to do anything we want with our money. But the thing is not we have to explain it to a 25 years old son. I did not expect anything like this to happen to us.
I am planning to try and persuade him to have a chat. I can only hope he agrees to it. I am sure he is not happy, and won’t be even if he decides to just not talk to me anymore. I also hope that all of this is just emotions and when they’re gone he’ll be back to normal.
Have you been able to explain how important it is to go through this for you? Maybe if he knows how important it is for you as well and how much you want this and it's not just about your husband wanting this and this is what you are doing together and this is what you have chosen to do. From what you are saying above your son took the breakdown between you and his dad hard, has your son ever had any counselling? There does sound something more deeprooted and maybe broach the subject of counselling when you get to talk. It would be good for him to deal with whatever he needs to so that you can both get back on track. You can only try and he if he choses not to talk to you, that's his choice. Have you thought about writing it down in a letter so that if he doesn't want to talk to you, you can pass him a letter? At least with the letter you can think about what you are going to say xx
Not yet. Surrogacy was just in talks a few months ago. We did not consider it seriously. Although I was thinking about it a lot. And when we firmly decided to go for it, this happened. We did not have time to properly explain everything. I was not thinking about getting pregnant after he was born. My pregnancy was a nightmare. And now I feel like I am contradicting myself, even though it is surrogacy. But still.
It has to happen though. We have to talk about everything. And in depths. As I want our family to grow bigger and us to have a healthy relationship. I want to see my grandkids if only my son decided that parenting is for him. This is another reason why we did not talk about that. He’s not particularly for having kids. Him and his girl are not planning to have children for at least 5 years. So… I think he’s coming from a whole different place…
No, not really. He just went silent for a few weeks. And I thought that he’ll get better with time. And so he did. Or this is what I thought..
That’s a really good idea. The letter. I haven’t thought of it. I tried contacting him, but did not get any response. And the letter will allow me to express everything that I am going through and everything what I feel. Thank you!!!!
It would be a very selfish, entitled person who would be expecting your money (you're only 49!!!). You know your son best and mention in the post how he is a good person. I would think something more is going on and it isn't really about the money at all. He may well be feeling conflicted about you becoming a parent again at an age when you could well be a grandparent? And it must be a shock to suddenly be potentially getting a sibling after 25 years of being an only child.
I think his reaction is very unfair on you and very childish but even adults can have childish reactions sometimes, especially in family conflicts and even though he is 25 he is still your child and it's difficult to be an adult when dealing with our parents.
I can't give advice on what to do, but I really hope he will come round. Please don't feel like you need to reconsider your decision because of his reaction. It's obviously not something you're taking lightly and you're entitled to live your life however you want. I wish you the best of luck with the surrogacy and hope your son can come to terms with it xxx
Maybe we should not have started thinking about writing down our will… But we were advised to do so. I do not feel like I am about to die. Neither my husband. But we still thought of it as of a cool idea. If only my son did not find out about it, nothing would’ve happened. We are only planning it out, nothing too serious.
Maybe he is in fact upset about us thinking of having another child. He was and is indeed my precious baby. I am so proud of him, of his accomplishments. But I could not even imagine something of this sort would happen to us. I imagined him to be a great older brother, a role model even.
Thank you so much for your support. It’s been a few hours since all of this happened. We’ve been desperately calling and sending messages to him and his girl. I know that it’s not the best thing to do. But I was really emotional earlier today. Thanks to all of you, I am now a lot calmer. And my hubby is not that upset. He understands my son and does not want to hold grudge against him.
Hi! Thank you for stopping by! I really appreciate your advice. Yes, it is a really complicated matter. No one is prepared to deal with something like this. Especially when it is your son coming for you basically. He is blinded with jealousy and anger and I feel like this is only my fault. I was and am a bad mother to him. Even though I have always felt proud of myself for raising him smart and healthy. But perhaps I did something wrong.
The divorce was a huge deal for him, as it should’ve been. He was really upset. And now as his father shows up once every 2-3 years, he feels even worse. I am now trying to explain his behavior. That’s the only thing I can do right now.
Thank you for your wishes. It matters a lot to me. I have lost all of my courage after what happened. And am trying to not show it to my husband. We’ve only started contacting potential surrogates and clinics. And this had happened…
This all just happened today? Hopefully with a little time he can get his head around it and things will sort themselves out. It's good your husband is not upset and putting you in the middle. Maybe give your son some space to digest it all and try to talk again in a little while xxx
a few hours prior me posting here. I tried looking for a comprehensive advice and at some moment the only thing I wanted is to get it all out of my chest.
We're going to take some time off. Give him some time to think about everything as well.
Oh my goodness. What a difficult situation, at the end of it - the house is yours, you paid for it and perhaps he should (without sounding harsh) look for ways to make his own way in life.
I was never given anything, I worked my socks off for everything I have and I’ve done alright. Never in a million years would I rely on anything someone might* leave to me.
He’s a grown up, flown the nest and you still have a life.
I suggest once he’s calmed down you explain it to him, and besides should you have another bundle of joy he is going to have to share you and possibly any inheritance be that of property or anything else xx
Sorry this sounds a really upsetting situation. The idea that you would not do things in your life that you want to in order to preserve your son’s inheritance sounds pretty bonkers! As others have said, it does sound as though the financial thing might be a cover for more deep-rooted issues. Without his father around maybe your son feels threatened that you will build a ‘new’ family and he’ll be left out? I’m just guessing... But hopefully he will calm down enough so you can talk about it. Maybe you can reassure him how you will want him to be a part of this new chapter in your life, how you will need his support? He is an adult after all. Wishing you all the best xx
I would never expect anything from my parents when they die, spend it all! they deserve it they’ve worked so hard and we’ve (my sisters & all grand kids) have had plenty over the years. Should be grateful he’s getting your house or a share of it.
I very much doubt this has anything to do with money, it sounds to me like he’s feeling worried and threatened, and that he just disagrees with a decision to embark on what could be a long journey with surrogacy at 49. Your relationship won’t be completely ruined in the long run, you’re still his mum, but I really do think you should try and see it from his point of view.
Your son behaves like a selfish dude. Or like a child whose only task is to think about his own small issues. You said he’s an adult. Stop supporting his selfishness. You must act like it’s comfortable for you right now. It’s completely your business who will be the owner of your properties and whatever. I guess, it’s now reasonable to experience your own freedom, as well as the freedom of taking decision.
That doesn’t mean you do not love your adult son. That means you don’t forget to live your personal life. This situation for me as a reader sounds like a trigger to get angry or even mad. I’m always mad when someone even my closest relative tries to interfere with my privacy or freedom of actions.
My warmest wishes and I believe you will not be acting like a nanny for the naughty crybaby. Good luck and be a little bit stricter towards the impudent personalities.
Ok so this was a selfish and childish reaction. It really surprised me how many “adults” I find are counting down to parents or grandparents death assuming they will get windfalls and that it’s all for them - I find it so entitled ! My mother died unexpectedly and at a young age and I never thought about what she may have to give me! However I was an only child until I was 16 and then my mother told me she was pregnant from her new husband - I will never for get the rage and tantrum I threw .. saying I would hate the baby, no one was allowed to discuss her pregnancy, something that should have been so wonderful. Anyway when my brother arrived I never felt such overwhelming love… my initial reaction had been from hurt, fear of being pushed aside …. Yet I was 16. Your son has been used to being the only one so I hope you reassured him of his place however also put him in his place as this is YOUR life and if this is all we get you need to do what you want to leave no what ifs at the end and feelings of lost chances…
Realise this post was a while ago so hope since then things hve recovered xx
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