Help - guilt and regret for chemical pregnancy

[CarlottaD27]

Hi,

Sharing on here as i’m feeling inconsolable and so angry with myself about a decision i made.

This month i was being treated with a medicated cycle which included progesterone cyclogest pessaries to support my luteal phase (which without them ends at just 5-7 days).

At 12DPO i had a negative test then had a bit of bright red spotting. I assumed it was my period coming and stopped the pessary that evening and the following morning. I had been so depressed and anxious about pregnancy that i couldn’t entertain the thought it would be anything to do with implantation / pregnancy

On 13DPO i then got a faint positive test and was over the moon! I started taking the pessaries again that afternoon.

Sadly by 14DPO the line was fading and it was clear it was a chemical pregnancy. I was devastated and can’t help but think i have myself to blame.

Obviously i’ve learnt my lesson and will keep on the medication in the future.

My husband is trying to reassure me and say that early loss is normal and could have been due to chromosomal abnormalities too. However, i can’t help but look back and know i could have done things differently and think i’d have my dream baby if i hadn’t been so foolish.

Has anyone experienced anything vaguely similar? Or can offer any words of advice? xxx

[ADHDPCOS]

I’m so sorry x You really can’t blame yourself. There is so much unknown about this process. You could have carried on the pessaries and still had the same happen. Give yourself some grace and look after yourself x

[CarlottaD27 in reply to ADHDPCOS]

Thank you. You're right that there are so many unknowns in this process. I appreciate the kind words xxx

[Hidden]

Sorry for your loss. You definitely can't blame yourself - these things happen and it's nothing to do with what you did or didn't do. I have miscarried several times despite taking all the drugs I was supposed to - it didn't stop the miscarriage and I am sure you not taking drugs one day didn't cause your chemical.

After a successful IVF round I was told not to fly long haul but I had a really important conference in the US which I couldn't miss and I was too early to tell work I was pregnant so I went there. 3 weeks later I found out my baby had stopped growing the day I flew to the US, literally on that flight. I have lived with a lot of guilt because of it but the reality is I will never know why it happened, and I can either blame myself and let it consume me or just make sure I never make the mistake again and think positively.. which is what I am choosing to do x

[CarlottaD27]

Hidden

Thank you so much for reaching out and sharing that story.

I’m currently going through those motions of grief and guilt and regret as you did with the flight, and I’m so sorry you experienced that.

You’re right, I really need to be able to think positively and move on as of course the past can’t be changed … I’m hoping with time this will get easier as it’s very tonight to shift a mentality! I love your attitude and need to remind myself of that positivity going forward xxx

[Habibi87]

Hi Carlotta, please don’t blame yourself. Chemical pregnancies are really common and most women without fertility issues won’t even notice them as they are not testing so extensively. I had a chemical pregnancy too and my progesterone levels were really good in that cycle and I had taken all the meds. Unfortunately the outcome didn’t change. One of the hardest thing to accept during the trying to conceive journey is that things are unfortunately not under our full control xx sending you love

[CarlottaD27 in reply to Habibi87]

thank you for sharing that! Yes you’re right - there is so much out of our control and that we don’t know and understand, and that is hard to accept. It is hard not to blame myself but I know I need to move on xxx

[Jumpppy]

Not the same situation, but I too didn't follow protocol and stopped progesterone and brought on a full flow period within like 12 hrs. They just don't explain some of this stuff like how a drop in progesterone (even a small-ish one) has such an impact, otherwise you'd think twice. I had a lot of regret too. Some of that is the hormones and treatment generally talking as once you start on a protocol it's hard to think of anything but having a baby. Once it clears it's easier to be OK that mistakes happen and you never know what might have been...Good luck on your next cycle/transfer!

[CarlottaD27]

Jumpppy thank you for sharing that! Yes there’s so much we don’t know.

Oddly for me I didn’t get my period after stopping the progesterone and it was delayed after I restarted… so maybe progeterone didn’t drop that suddenly! In any case I have to move on to the next cycle as you said

[Nenad in reply to CarlottaD27]

hi there, I was going to reply to say just that actually! So sorry for your chemical. The fact that there was no spotting/bleeding when you stopped is a sign that you had enough progesterone. Also skipping two doses doesn’t make a dramatic difference, you could’ve easily taken both doses together after but that wouldn’t have stopped the chemical. Your body decides early on in the implantation process whether the embryo is viable. Your fading line is the outcome that you could see, but it was already determined early on, either due to abnormalities within the embryo or blood clotting disorders/immune issues. The fact that your line was faint at 13DPO already suggests it would’ve been a chemical pregnancy all along. Xxx

[CarlottaD27 in reply to Nenad]

Hi  Nenad

Thank you SO much for sharing that. I’ve been driving myself crazy looking online trying to work out what this all meant and trying to convince (it even decide!) myself that it wasn’t my fault so I could move on.

I like your theory that the chromosomal abnormalities were to blame as of course that is out of my control. I’m a bit scared about what my Dr will say when we meet next week in terms of the cause!

Thank you for sharing and take care xxx

[Nenad in reply to CarlottaD27]

there are various reasons behind a chemical pregnancy, missing a dose or two of progesterone is NOT one of them. Apparently women are more fertile the 2-3 cycles following a chemical pregnancy so there’s always hope xxx

[CarlottaD27 in reply to Nenad]

I’ve heard that too about being more fertile! I’m not sure what the science behind it is but you’re right that it’s a reason to be hopeful. Thank you for the positivity xxx

[Nenad in reply to CarlottaD27]

not sure either but my doctor has repeatedly said this to me.

Anytime 🤗🤗

I just went through a chemical myself, have had several now which is why I’m certain it’s nothing to do with our actions and more to do with the embryos/uterine/immune issues xxx

[CarlottaD27 in reply to Nenad]

I’m sorry you’ve been through multiple chemicals - what a rollercoaster.

That’s reassuring your Dr has said that to you - it’s one of those things I first read on Google and so didn’t know how much trust to put into it given how much none sense there already is online.

Let’s hope one of these pregnancies sticks for us soon 🤞 xxx

[Caranne]

Hi it’s not exactly the same but following my last transfer of my only embryo i started feeling very unwell a few days after and i’ve blamed myself for it not working as i should have been more careful before the transfer.

I’ve always had that annoying unhelpful voice in my head that’s blames myself for things through all my transfers though whether it’s being too stressed or not eating well enough so i know that’s just what I’m like.

I think it’s such a ridiculously stressful, emotional journey it’s impossible to not question everything, but like your partner said chemical pregnancies are really common and I’m sure a few pessaries haven’t caused it. I know I was desperate to stop my meds so i can understand why you would be keen to stop after getting a negative and started to bleed x

[CarlottaD27 in reply to Caranne]

Hi Caranne

Thank you for sharing that. I’m really sorry about the stressful transfers you have had.

I completely agree that I have that voice in my head too that is full of blame and over analyses everything. It’s hard not to in these situations! Although I’ve realised that the over worrying can sometimes backfire and actually cause poor judgement rather than helping.

Yes, I was desperate to move on to the next cycle and it’s reassuring to know I’m not the only one with this mentality. I hope you are doing better now xxx

[Fruitandflowers]

I'm sorry this happened but I really doubt that anything you did or didn't do would have changed the outcome. I had two early losses before 6 weeks and retrospectively with the HCG results they turned out to have stopped developing really early. On my successful transfer I found out my progesterone was low on transfer and the clinic forgot to tell me(!) so I didn't get told to up my progesterone for a few days, then there was a mix up with my meds which meant I ran out for about a day and a half. I panicked but my consultant said progesterone fluctuates naturally and it's more about a gradual rise, and a few missed doses wouldn't make any difference, and they didn't. I had another transfer recently and did everything textbook and sadly it's turned out not viable at 7 weeks and probably never was viable, just my body held on to it and tried to grow it. They say if you have an early loss or chemical that it's actually a good sign as it means you produced an embryo and it stuck for even a little while, which rules out a lot of other issues. It's very upsetting though and I am learning not to overthink or blame. Be kind to yourself x

[CarlottaD27 in reply to Fruitandflowers]

Hi Fruitandflowers . I’m so sorry for your losses, and the fact that there have been mess ups with the clinic really must be stressful - it’s no wonder we patients start over thinking and over worrying when it feels like we need to take ownership or nobody will.

I need to start learning to stop over thinking and blaming myself - although it’s so much easier said than done since this process is so consuming.

What a relief the missing progesterone didn’t negatively impact your transfer, really please for you after all that.

And that’s a good reminder - I had never conceived before now so I suppose it’s a good sign in terms of sperm working, tubes open, etc xxx

[Twiglet2]

Here an alternative view of what could have happened….so the HCG can take a few days to enter your blood stream and also a few days to drop so whilst it might seem like you stopping the progesterone times with the negative test the pregnancy was probably already lost a couple of days before that (when you were still taking the progesterone) as it takes a few days for the HCG to go down in my experience so the bleeding could have been to do with that rather than implantation and the loss, as your husband said, to do with chromosomes etc of the embryo. There is some good news for the future in that you did have implantation this month (so half the way there and your body can get pregnant) and apparently the couple of months following a chemical we are more fertile so fingers and toes crossed for you the next few months and please don’t beat yourself up lovely xxx

[CarlottaD27 in reply to Twiglet2]

Hi there. Thank you for sharing that theory, I wasn’t aware how long it takes for HCG to get into the blood stream so that does shift the timing of things!

I really appreciate the alternative theories as I guess I will never really know, but by feeding my brain your theories it at least stops me jumping to the worst conclusion which is to blame myself.

I will try and hold on to those positives - until now I didn’t know I could get pregnant so I will have to pick myself up and keep trying xxx

[Idril]

Hi there, definitely not your fault! I did exactly the same thing. Saw negative test stopped the pessaries, the next day I tested again because thought something is going on and got a positive, unfortunately it ended up to be an ectopic one but not taking the pessaries for a couple of hours won't change much ! I have felt guilty a lot because the day of the transfer, I decided to put 2 embryos back and still thinking that one pushed the other into my tube !! And I feel angry about it because the other one was a chemical. Just don't loose hope, a time will come and it will be ok! Xx

[CarlottaD27 in reply to Idril]

Hi  Idril . Ah I’m so sorry you went through that. It’s so easy to look back at decisions made (like putting back in two) which were done with good intentions at the time, but blame ourselves when things don’t work out as planned.

In my case it must have been at least 24hours I missed the pessaries for rather than a few hours, but not sure still how much of a difference that makes… how one did you miss them for?

Hoping things work out for us and we can look back and forget all this! xxx

[Rhubarb5]

Hello, so so sorry to hear about your chemical. I actually did the same with my 4th cycle. I completely understand why you stopped the cylcogest, there is only so much we can put ourselves through, don't blame yourself. And I completely get your pain - I have been there. At 12 dpt I had a BFN. I couldn't face any more drugs so I stopped taking cyclogest. At 15 dpt I had a BFN and was just about to throw the test away when I saw what might have been the faintest of lines. I took another test and it was a faint positive, then I had a huge bleed. I had the same feelings of anger towards myself. I actually later found out the pregnancy was not viable anyway as it was ectopic. I think with a BFN at 12dpt and a faint line at 13 dpt, you would not have got a different outcome if you had continued the cyclogest. I hope you can move forward. xx

[CarlottaD27 in reply to Rhubarb5]

Hi, thank you for sharing that.

Oh that sounds like an incredibly painful time for you and I can relate to those feelings of anger and regret.

I hope finding out it was eptopic gave you some peace as it was definitely for the best it didn’t continue.

I’m hoping the faint line on mine was a sign it was not viable, although it was on an internet cheapie. I’ll be using the more sensetive FRER in future especially if I risk early testing again.

It’s so hard to move on and if I don’t get another positive test for a while I fear I will always think “what If?” about this one. I suppose I now need to work to build up some resilience and hope! Easier said than done when you’re in the thick of it all. I hope you’re feeling a bit better now and taking care xxx

[Hidden]

I'm so sorry for your loss CarlottaD27. I miscarried last week (5 weeks) and also have been blaming myself thinking that I pushed myself too hard by going to my exercise class and travelling. The rational part of me knows that it was probably nothing that I did wrong and the same goes for you ... as others have said, missing a dose or two is not likely to have caused the loss. Sending you a hug x

[CarlottaD27 in reply to Hidden]

I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s so cruel having the high of a positive and all the happy associations that come with that, and then that being taken away from you.

The nurses at my clinic have tried to reassure me missing a few doses would not be the cause, but my brain doesn’t always believe it! The same is almost certainly true for you but maybe our brains like to think we could have done something different or changed something as we so want to change the outcome?

Im trying to focus my thoughts looking forward now and hope you can too. Thank you for sharing and making me feel less alone x