First pregnancy ended in chemical pregnancy

[Dreambp]

Hi there, I'm writing this post hoping for some support and to feel less lonely.My story so far, after being told in February that I have premature diminished ovarian reserve at 37 years old (then) with an AMH level of 0.7 pmol and a follicle count of 5 across both ovaries. Therefore IVF would not likely be the great saviour I thought it could be to me. We were told to continue ttc naturally whilst I lost enough weight to decide if we wanted to pursue IVF. I've lost just over a stone, been taking all the supplements and looked at diet to improve egg quality, got my tsh level under 2 etc.

Then on Friday last week after a few negative early pregnancy tests, period was 1 day late and I kept needing to have a wee, constantly. I did a test and there was a faint positive. Obviously I was suspicious after what we'd been told and so I did loads more including the one where it says the words and yes definitely pregnant! We had a delighted day or two, planning the announcement photo with our dog and thinking about our due date. I must admit my anxiety kicked in on the Saturday and I did start to worry that I wouldn't cope with the physical side of pregnancy so that's made me feel like what happened is my fault. Long story short we were going away for my birthday from Sunday to Tuesday and just before we left I had some blood when I wiped, Googled it and it says that could be normal still, whilst away the bleeding got heavier and heavier, lots of clotting and the tests started getting fainter so it was apparent I was having a chemical pregnancy at around 4 weeks. Needless to say that happening has been awful enough but on my birthday and while we're away at the long awaited relaxation trip we needed after the fertility news too, what are the odds. Just feel a bit alone really, there's been a couple of friends and family that have been great and so supportive but the majority just haven't really checked in etc, said things like this is a good thing at least you know you can get pregnant now and some just haven't bothered at all. My mum was trying to change the subject whilst I was in tears telling her on the phone, on my birthday that I was having a miscarriage and I've had a couple of one line texts in the 6 days since, with the last message yesterday saying sorry she hasn't been in touch but she's had x, y, and z going on and she's not been well. I feel like everyone thinks I should just be ok now and I honestly hadn't even taken it in that I was pregnant before I was losing it, my head's spinning with it all and it just doesn't feel real, I'm changing between being sad and numb. I have such guilt that I wasn't ecstatic when I got the positive, I was so shocked and obviously happy but I thought I would feel different and I can't believe I got so anxious.

I went to the GP for advice and they just told me to do a pregnancy test in a week to confirm the loss.

Sorry for the ramble/rant.

I guess I'm asking if anyone else reacted with anxiety to a prayed for positive result and has anyone else had issues with those around them being unsupportive?

Thank you for reading.

[CarlottaD27]

Hi there,

I’m so sorry for your loss, and it’s certainly a loss even if you were only pregnant for a few days, as of course in that moment you had everything you so wanted and it was cruelly taken away from you.

I recently had a chemical pregnancy, and it coincided with missing a dose of medications, so I experienced both feelings of loss and unfairness with it, and also guilt as I blamed myself. Nurses have tried to reassure me it was not my fault, but I think there is something in my mind that wants to find a reason for the loss and wants to think I could have changed it. Maybe your brain is playing tricks on you and looking to make you feel guilty for feeling anxious ? I’ve heard from other women who’ve struggled to concieve that they also felt anxious and not extatic when they got a positive test. All then anxiety that went into trying to concieve then went into the pregnancy!

I’m sorry to hear your mum doesn’t seem to fully empathise with what you’ve been through and are still feeling. I have struggled with my partner’s response to my anxiety and in particular to the chrmical. He wanted to pick up and move on and didn’t get why I so fixated on something that happened in the past. I’ve also felt very lonely and as though my anxiety is in the “abnormal” range. I have found speaking to a therapist (offered via the NHS) and engaging with other people on here to be helpful. It’s a good reminder that you’re not alone in experiencing a really painful and unfair journey, and your feelings are totally valid.

There is maybe some comfort to be had as a chemical goes to show your body can achieve lots of key aspects of a pregnancy (eg sperm can fertilise the egg, your body is reception to implantation, etc) which are needed for both natural and IVF pregnancies, although I totally get that in the aftermath optimism is so tricky as the emotions that come with trying to concieve are so all consuming - you’re not alone! x

[Dreambp in reply to CarlottaD27]

Thank you for taking the time to read and reply. I'm really very sorry to hear about your loss too 😓 That's so very sad, I'm sure, that like the nurses have said that missing that dose wouldn't have made a difference but it just gives the anxiety something to cling onto. Anxiety is so complex and clever that when it takes hold its so difficult to live with your own thoughts. Even when we are told logical explanations or deep down believe them it still manages to find a way to blame ourselves.

It's reassuring to hear that others get bogged down with the anxiety and didn't get the beautifully excited moment either, I have spoken to my counsellor and we agreed that my usual coping mechanism is very cautious, Risk assess and unfortunately doubt myself and my ability to cope so it wasn't a huge surprise, but I still feel so guilty about it.

I understand when you say that your husband wants to move on, I'm not sure if it's because it's physically happening to our body or just because some people can compartmentalise and normally those that suffer with anxiety aren't great at that. I think all you can do is try to keep communicating and sharing how you feel, only together can you move forward when you're both ready to do so ❤️

Wishing you all the luck and positivity, thank you for making me feel heard xx

[CarlottaD27 in reply to Dreambp]

I totally agree with what you’re saying about anxiety - it is so all consuming and naturally with trying to concieve being such an emotive topic, it’s probably the time in life anxiety will be at its worst. Sometimes I with I could compartmentalise and just switch off in a way some men (of course not all!) seem to be better at doing. Wishing you all the luck as well! x

[Dreambp in reply to CarlottaD27]

I particularly like it when people say, just don't worry, if only it were that easy! I've found these things helpful ... writing a diary of thoughts, the balance app on my phone so I can do guided meditatation anywhere and I do see a counsellor every week. Yesterday I had a good day and I did half an hour working in the garden and took the dog out, as well as being the first day I cared enough to eat nutritional food again.

Wouldn't it be wonderful to be able to compartmentalise. My husband is the most laid back, positive and hopeful person I know, I'm constantly wishing it would rub off on me!

Always here if you want to DM ☺️ xx

[CarlottaD27 in reply to Dreambp]

Totally agree - I would love my husband’s brain than can easily switch on and off! I guess it’s also different as its our bodies that are going through this and we’re so intensely aware of that.

I do have a journey but have been neglecting it, although you’re right that it helps process the thoughts, as my husband is certainly sick of hearing the same old worries.

Thank you for your message, it’s good to know I’m not alone! x

[Dreambp in reply to CarlottaD27]

Yes I know what you mean, it would be nice to swap brains, even if only for a day!I think it is, there's not much you can do to not be present in the things you body is going through.

It's difficult because we know what may help but sometimes it all gets too much to even be able to help yourself, I suppose we should then be kind to ourselves and not expect to be moving forward, just that it's enough to keep getting out of bed.

I'm sure he isn't but rather he doesn't know what to say to help you, I get where you're coming from though, sometimes I feel like a broken record! But people learn facts through repetition so perhaps we also process through repetition 🤔

No definitely not alone 😊Xx

[CarlottaD27 in reply to Dreambp]

Youre right, I’m just trying to keep going rather than expect to feel good / okay everyday, which is tough because other people not going through this don’t seem to have their life in hold in the same way!

My husband did say the other day my reactions to things were ridiculous. It’s true I’m finding the anxiety and uncertainty overwhelming and I sound like a broken record, but I do think we women are going through so much with our bodies and minds that some of that is understandable x

[Dreambp in reply to CarlottaD27]

Definitely the way forward but it is hard when you feel everything is on hold. I find it difficult when people want to make plans for the year, in my head I'm thinking, I can't possibly commit to anything as I don't know how I'll feel. It's so difficult and very isolating.Oh no, sorry that he said it in that way, I'm sure he wouldn't have done so if he knew it would upset you 😓 My husband has had to put up with my anxiety for years bless him, he doesn't quite get it as he's not able to relate but he's usually pretty understanding luckily. I have general anxiety and health anxiety so it's all fun! I spent an hour telling him about different stages of pregnancy yesterday and what a women's body goes through, literally week by week, he glazed over by week 20! Xx

[CarlottaD27 in reply to Dreambp]

I’m also finding it hard to make plans. Part of me wonders if I’ll be pregnant by then and then thinks that if I’m not, will I enjoy it or feel miserable? Or should I go ahead with it and hope it lifts my mood!

Aw good on your husband for listening, mine didn’t know what the fertile window was until recently and I was pretty disappointed considering how much I’d been obsessing over it.

Ive actually just this morning had a pretty insensetive comment from him. He came running in saying he had great news - his cousin is pregnant! He had no clue this would be upsetting to me and got frustrated when i wasn’t happy. Now I feel both sad and jealous about the pregnancy and really upset my husband lacked the empathy I needed. Ugh, another tough day! X

[Dreambp in reply to CarlottaD27]

Exactly that, it's either I will be ttc or pregnant and either way not drinking alcohol etc or the other option of being upset at the correct situation and not feeling up to it. If only we had a crystal ball!Oh no, I'm sorry you've had a rubbish start to the day... Hopefully it improved?

I think some people, sadly lack the ability to empathise with someone's feelings, I would have felt exactly the same as you so don't beat yourself up. It's totally human to feel a complete mix of emotions at news such as that. I'm currently staying away from most people as I can't deal with being around kids ATM, sounds selfish but it's helping so that's the main thing.

Maybe if you explain to him just how upset you feel and that it's totally normal to feel that way he will try and see it from your point of view xx

[CarlottaD27 in reply to Dreambp]

thank you for that comfort on a low day!

I have explained to my husband the need to be more delicate with news like that. And he is accepting that I won’t be inviting these friends with babies round anytime soon.

How are you doing ? I’m feeling a bit better today but I think I feel particularly low as I’m at the end of a cycle & bleeding. It’s tonight to feel hopeful when you know you’re not pregnant so I expect my mood will lift once we’re trying again / in the TWW when there is a bit of hope ! X

[Mlove12]

In so sorry your going through this lovely. I dont think people who haven’t struggled with infertility will ever understand. Surround yourself with positive people who love and support you. Never give up, your day will come x

[Dreambp in reply to Mlove12]

Thank you for reading and replying, it means alot that there is support out there. Like you say, this is a very unique and difficult journey and I suppose it's not people's fault they don't understand but it can feel raw when no effort is made. I will focus more on those that do and try to just keep getting up every day and move forward ❤️ xx

[Habibi87]

Hi Dreambp, the chemical pregnancy is 100% not your fault and absolutely none of your emotions, feelings or actions would have changed the outcome. You should take all the time you need to grieve as your sadness is real and legitimate. Struggling to conceive is devastating and in my experience I’ve found that only people that have gone through the same can really understand the extent of suffering it causes. I too, really struggled with my mother. We had a miscarriage of twins, a cancelled FET, a chemical pregnancy and a failed FET and in each occasion what I wanted to hear from her was ‘ I am so so sorry. How are you cooping? This sucks, it’s incredibly unfair and I am here to support you in anyway you need’. Instead, I felt I was constantly pushed to move on, no talking of feelings or of the experience allowed. In hindsight, I think it was partially her cooping mechanism. I think she really struggled with seeing me in pain and just hoped that by pushing me to move on the pain would just go (of course it didn’t). Friends with no direct experience also often don’t really know what to say and in fear of saying the wrong things end up saying nothing, which of course leave you feeling alone. I am really sorry for everything you are going through but please don’t loose hope. As Carlotta said, a chemical pregnancy is a sign that many things do work and that all the lifestyle changes you have made are having an impact. Sending you lots of love and feel free to DM if you need to chat xxx

[Dreambp in reply to Habibi87]

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and reply. I am so very sorry that you have had such a hard road with utter devastation along the way. I can't begin to imagine how the repeated loss feels 😓

I can really relate to the experience with your mum, I think some people can't acknowledge feelings of grief in others because they don't know what to do to make it better. It's almost as though by not talking about it that it diminishes, but of course we know it doesn't work like that. Unfortunately, my mum can be quite self absorbed so it shouldn't have shocked me, but you kind of think with something like this that they may pull it out the bag! This is a great community and I'm going to concentrate on those in my life that are able to try and understand and help.

I will try and remember the positive that where I thought it wasn't possible that now I know different and be kind to myself along this healing journey. Thank you for the love, sending it back to you along with lots of positivity for you too. Xx

[HollyT7]

yep, so when I told my best friend we’d had an early loss she little said “ah so close, how’s the cat?” 🤷🏽‍♀️ some people just don’t get it. When we lost our first we really did take on board the at least we could get pregnant, as for some woman on here it’s such a struggle to even get that. We held onto that tight and told ourselves that it wasn’t meant to be and that we would like a healthy baby, which our loss wasn’t. Fast forward to our second transfer (frozen) and we have our little boy who’s 3 in two weeks, and our third transfer (frozen) is currently napping on my chest and is 6 months old. You’ll find your own way to navigate this fertility business and what works for some doesn’t for others. When it comes to others who haven’t had to jump on this ship, I’d say take what they say, or don’t say, with a pinch of salt. Fact is they really just don’t get it, as much as they may try, unless you’ve lived it’s extremely difficult to understand the highs and lows, the elation to devastation, and the extreme anxiety that come with it all. They mean well.

[Dreambp in reply to HollyT7]

Thanks for reaching out to me. I am sorry for the awful time you went through to get to your precious life now, that response about the cat shows that they are a caring person I guess 🙈 You're so right, people just don't get how all consuming the journey can be. It's good advice to hold onto that fact, I will try my best to get to that point. I think it's just all been such a shock and I've no idea which way to turn or what to think and feel but I'll get there. Luckily I've got a really supportive husband and some good support around me, I just need to focus on that and be kind to myself. Wishing you all the best for the future Xx

[HollyT7 in reply to Dreambp]

I tried the counselling on offer, was really good to get my feelings out and be listened to, then the counsellor changed and her was really wasn’t something I connected with at all. Being kind to yourself is key, although at times it can seem impossible as you wrestle with your thoughts. I really hope that you find comfort in this forum as it really helped me. Expect the unexpected and keep in mind that everything will happen when it’s supposed to, and in your darkest moments, cling onto hope and let it drag you out, because you won’t quit until you have that babe in your arms ❤️

[Dreambp in reply to HollyT7]

I think counselling is so useful, but only when you get that connection- otherwise it can just feel a bit awkward and you don't really open up. I have been seeing one for general anxiety and so I can talk to them but I am considering the specific fertility counselling that the clinic recommend. It's good to talk as they say! Yes, when you have a tendency to overthink, just being as nice to yourself as you would a friend is a challenge. Am I too upset, am I not upset enough, was it my fault, what if it happens again etc etc! It's definitely feeling like a lifeline to me, being able to reach out to those that really get it, is invaluable. I really hope so, I pray it will work out xx

[CardiGrey]

Good morning, whilst I haven’t experienced this personally, I just wanted to reply to let you know that you’re not alone. I’m so sorry that this happened to you, and especially on your birthday.

The emotions that you’re feeling are completely valid and baby loss is very hard to deal with- no matter what stage. Once you see the positive, it is only natural to feel grief knowing that it has resulted in baby loss. I feel baby loss is still a taboo in our society and a lot of people don’t know how to talk about it, which may be why you’ve only had a few short messages. It doesn’t excuse it, but I know when my friends have experienced it, they’ve had the same.

There is a lot of positive on this forum and you will get the help and support you need. I just wanted you to know your feelings are completely normal.

Take care.

[Dreambp in reply to CardiGrey]

Thank you for reading and replying, the support on here is so appreciated.

Yes, it seemed to make it so much worse and I had been talking about getting the positive result as the best birthday present ever, which in turn would have been the best Christmas present ever. It was not to be and I am holding onto hope that it can happen at least.

I completely agree about it being taboo. I was worried about when to announce pregnancy because in society we are taught that it might tempt fate/get people's hopes up or that there is some sort of acceptable loss before that 12 week milestone which is awful really. Personally I wanted to tell those closest to me about the pregnancy to share the news we never thought we'd be lucky enough to get, and sadly we didn't get the chance to reveal the happy news but rather the loss. I think those that go through miscarriage in silence are so strong and brave, I was desperate for support and kindness so I shared, a few have given that and I am so grateful to those and all of you lovely people that have taken the time to reply on here but knowing what I now know of the reactions of my nearest I'm not sure if I would tell people again, which is sad really.

What a journey this all is. Thank you again for replying to me and sharing some kindness, I send it back to you too xx

[VBN365]

so sorry for you’re going through this. It’s really crap. Everything you feel is valid and I understand. I had a similar experience in January and 2 failed embryo transfers later and the loss and feelings of grief intensify.

I don’t think people mean things in a bad way when they say silly insensitive things, I think people get uncomfortable and don’t really know what to say or do and avoid but then again I also think people can be thoughtless and selfish.

Please try not to blame yourself for not being excited straight away. I promise you it’s nothing to do with you. Sometimes these things just aren’t for us in that moment. I truly believe in timing, however unfair the circumstances are it’s kind of the only thing that’s comforted me. I hope you feel some comfort too knowing that all of us who have replied to your post and many who haven’t have been in your shoes and you’re not alone.

It’s sucks but soon… Will be your time x

Everything is temporary

[Dreambp in reply to VBN365]

Thank you for reading and replying to me, I really appreciate it and the support has been amazing.

I am really sorry to hear that you've had such an awful time, it's just so heart breaking that you have had to go through that.

It's so difficult, I swing between being so hurt that I have been ignored or had silly comments and then I think of how difficult some people find it to even say the right thing when all is good in life and how impossible that they would say the right thing in the face of such horrible news. I guess the key is to not do what I have done and blame myself for opening up in the first place.

I really think I was in total shock after the news that we had such low chances, I am not sure that such an anxious person as me was ever going to sail through with no worries but it was a pretty intense feeling of guilt over not being 1000% excited. Like you say, timing, we will get there I have to believe.

I truly wish you well in your journey and am sending so much positivity your way, it will be your time too xx

[Charlottekingxo]

I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through this and haven’t felt supported. One thing I have learnt on my fertility journey is how some people I thought would be sensitive and there for me weren’t and other people who I didn’t expect were there. I’ve suffered two early miscarriages at 5 weeks in the last two years and I really feel like for me I should have got counselling following them. I see a physic who said I need to realise it wasn’t my fault and there is nothing I could have done and I think that’s true for all of us ❤️ I hope you get your rainbow soon. My mum wasn’t the most sensitive either as she’d had easy pregnancy and fell a month after trying no problems I think it’s generations and it wasn’t as spoken about just try to sit down and explain how it’s affected you and hopefully she’ll understand xx

[Dreambp in reply to Charlottekingxo]

Thank you for replying to me, the support means so much.

I am also so sorry to hear that you've had to go through such heartbreak twice, life can be so very cruel. I completely get what you're saying about people you thought would the most sympathetic not being, so strange really.

I go to a counsellor for general anxiety and I find that has really helped with my current situation. Your physic is definitely right, I guess we all know it's not our fault deep down but in the moment when your brain is your own worst enemy- it is easy to let it take over and for the doubt to niggle away.... until you get stronger anyway and can be a bit more logical.

Yes, the generations have definitely changed in the way we deal with things, thankfully we can be open! my mum has messaged to say sorry she hasn't been in touch but that she hasn't been feeling well, which I can sort of understand but there is a part of me that thinks, just for once can the focus be on me...but that is a whole other story. We just have to move forwards any way we can I guess.

I really hope you get your happy news very soon, sending so many good vibes your way xx

[Ubm3s]

So so so sorry Dreambp regarding your negative journey so far. I had negative outcomes during g my journey as well. I continually held my mum and partner responsible for my state of mind at the times. I continually told them they just don't care. They actually cared the most. They sometimes said things that they thought would help the IVF conversation but it actually made me feel worst. They ran out of anything they thought would help. My mum went to an IVF councellor who told her that there are no words to fix it, just be there. Mum followed the advice but I still hammed her for saying nothing and not fixing it. I am still trying and being positive my Mum has been left so broken. No she didn't find the solution to make me feel better. She feels like a failure and is down a black hole like she has been many times before. The only difference this time is she is stuck and can't get out of it. She is completely broken.Praying you get your bundle of joy soon

[Dreambp in reply to Ubm3s]

Thank you for reading and replying to me, it is so appreciated.

I completely understand what you mean, I have come to realise that most people don't mean to be insensitive or absent but they just don't know what to say for the best or are consumed by their own stuff. And all that is happening at a time where all you want and need is for someone to make you feel better, as if, the right comment will magically take the hurt away. I am really very sorry to hear that you have had such a tough time of it, it sounds like you have really struggled and I am saddened for you, and that it has had such an effect on your mum too, it is nice that she is really trying to empathise and help. It can be such a painful journey for everyone.

I truly wish you well and all the best for the future xx