It's game over for us - how do we move on from failed IVF?

[Koala365]

We started IVF after a complicated MMC just before the first lockdown in the UK and a misdiagnosis of partial molar pregnancy resulting in a couple of months of going into hospital for tests at the height of the pandemic. We didn't ever want to suffer a miscarriage ever again and had been told we could do PGTA testing which could help to mitigate this. We then did 4 x IVF egg collection cycles in year. IVF 1 was a total failure - 5 eggs, 3 fertilised but only 1 tried (but failed) to make a full blastocyst and had petered out by Day 6. That was October 2020. We then took a couple of months off to follow all the dietary and supplement advice in It Starts With The Egg. IVF 2 was in Jan 2021 and we got 6 eggs and 2 made blastocyst and were transferred as a fresh transfer on Day 5 but sadly BFN. We think they recommended this as they weren't good enough quality to PGTA test. For IVF 3 ariund Easter 2021 we tried the New Hope Protocol which aims to achieve fewer eggs but of better quality. We got 3 eggs, 2 of which were mature and 1 of which made a top quality embryo which was transferred on Day 2 or 3. Sadly BFN. I was finding all the restrictions on my life and the cycle of hope and loss and disappointment so hard by this point I took the summer off to chill and not think too much about IVF. I carried on the supplements and largely the diet with the occasional glass of wine and ice cream. I also started accupuncture to prepare for my next IVF. IVF 4 took place in October 2021. We got 5 eggs, of which 3 made embryos suitable for transfer onDay 3. Of those 2 were good quality and one was average quality. We had all three transferred having weighed up the risk of multiple births as against the fact we hadn't actually had anything implant so far. Sadly again BFN. We decided that was it for us but not before I requested some implantation failure tests. I had to fight for these because by then I was 45 and they were trying to tell me this was all just down to my age. The thrombotic risk profile test showed I had the MTFHR gene mutation but the Emma/Alice test was clear. That's when I almost had a breakdown. Finally knowing I had implantation issues as I had thought all along (baring in mind we had got pregnant immediately I had my mirena coil removed which was the pregnancy that resulted in the MMC and then suddenly couldn't get pregnant again however hard we tried) We had spent so much on IVF we didn't think we could continue as well as the mental health aspects of it. But then I found my new work health care policy now covered fertility treatment so in early 2022 we discussed trying IVF just one last time. My new consultant (the insurers decided which clinic we had to go to) ran loads of tests including NK Cells which I tested positive for with high levels and high inflammation and we didn't get to start until July 2022 by which time I was 46 (having started this journey aged 43). IVF 5 was a super duper flare protocol which got cancelled as we were only likely to get 1 or 2 eggs. We took the decision to cancel despite discussions with the clinic in which they suggested the reduction in numbers was because I was now 46 and my previous most recent cycle was 9 months previously and therefore my AMH had potentially fallen off a cliff during that time. However as we knew this was to be our last ever cycle, we wanted to revert to a protocol we knew had worked for us previously so we cancelled IVF 5 (but triggered and did timed intercourse to give that one egg a chance and did the immune protocol but BFN). We then did the Oestrogen patches in Auguts and IVF 6 in September. Follicles and estradiol test looked good and like we would get 6 eggs. We got 4 eggs in the end and sadly only 1 fertilised normally and we took the decision to do a Day 3 transfer and do the immune protocol (clexane, Prednisilone and more progesterone than normal). Sadly BFN. So that is it - our IVF journey is over, just like that. I really can't handle any more. Our relationship really can't handle any more. My career can't be put on hold like this and be subjected to all the pressures I have been through any more. And I just need my life back. No more eating 7 to 9 portions of fruit and veg a day and never having a meal or snack which doesn't include protein and never having processed foods, sugar, alcohol, caffeine etc. No more spending a fortune on supplements and taking so many I rattle. No more putting my life on hold. But also, no more hope for a baby. I am open to miracles but God is going to have to do that without my help as I just can't go through this anymore! We have discussed donor eggs and adoption extensively and it's not for us. We will now just be a childless couple. But where do we go from here? How do we get over our hopes and dreams for a baby and move on with our lives? Has anyone done this and has tips? Are there any forums for people who are childless not by choice? We spoke to a counsellor who told us this was a grief process and suggested a few things to do while we are grieving mainly involving enjoying things we couldn't do while on that journey (hence I am typing this from my sunshine holiday while sipping a pina colada!) but I just want to hear other people's experiences and tips and anything they feel might help. Thanks so much if you managed to read all of this. XXX

[Banana77]

Thinking of you and your partner. Hoping you can somewhat enjoy a well deserved rest, sadly there’s nothing I can say to ease the pain xxx

[Mary2022]

So sorry to hear that. I know it is very hard and IVF journey is not easy. I hope you and your partner well. Maybe take a short break just now..

[Hidden]

I am so sorry you have been through such a terrible journey and not found the end result you were hoping for. I can't admit to being in the same position to you as we did embark on donor in the end but about 2 years ago I believed I was in the same position as you i.e. at the time I was 43 and had to give up on my own eggs. The first thing I did was read a really good book called Living the Life Unexpected, which is about living the childless life but not by choice.. it was a huge eye opener for me and made me start seeing positives of the life I was dreading. I think its inevitable that having been on the roller coaster for so long we just can't see any positives of a life without children, and that book really helped me to realise actually a lot of people round me were living that life, and happily and fulfilled, but because I was so TTC focused I was sort of blind to them. I also had therapy from NHS Talking Therapy which ended up primarily being about all of the grief of the failed IVF and MCs I had had, and all of the jealousy and anger that I had bottled up, but primarily the fact that everything I felt was very valid and just not being acknowledged by people - this also really helped me. Like you we then splashed out on holidays and I threw myself into health and fitness (because it was something I could control), started looking at new jobs and hobbies, but also did a LOT of drinking and eating out in nice places - I was so sick of all the restrictions of IVF, and gradually I found myself in a position where actually there was an option of life without children, and there were things that were sacrificed if we had children (which I was so blinkered I couldn't see when mired in TTC). I have to admit it took me well over a year to get there, but the darkness did slowly lift. Sending you a huge hug xx

[Koala365 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you so much. This is really helpful. I will definitely get hold of a copy of that book. This sounds like a good first step for me. Thanks very much for recommending it and for your kind words

[Anonymou5]

My heart truly goes out to you, I’m in a similar position. Awaiting IVF hopefully March 2023 post ERA testing. This and PGTA testing is all I have left. Then no more what ifs, no more one more round. You enjoy your pina colada girl. And then have another! Wishing you all the best in life xxx

[Koala365 in reply to Anonymou5]

Thank you! Might have enjoyed the pina coladas a bit too much yesterday. Not feeling quite so grand today 😳

[Skittles11]

Hi Koala

I feel like I've got to know you a little bit over these past few months and have been having some similar experiences at the same time in terms of the real difficulties and challenges IVF can bring.

It's so hard when you've been through so much and continued to battle on, and now a change of pace which is not what you wanted. I hope over time you are able to find a sense of peace or closure or whatever you want to call it, however I don't think this is something that can be rushed. Feeling all of those feelings and grieving will be important in enabling you to move forward in my opinion.

I think Hidden gives some really good practical advice which would be worth looking at, and I hope you get some further replies and suggestions.

Please take good care lovely xx

[Koala365 in reply to Skittles11]

Thank you so much. It's so sad my journey isn't continuing but I just can't do it anymore and I have hit an age where it doesn't make sense to continue regardless of the stuff in the press over the last few days about the woman aged 50 who they irresponsibly report as just having gone to Greece and had IVF and had a baby, as if it were that easy! Hoping your journey ends with the result we all desperately want or wanted. Please do keep me updated. I am definitely going to read the book recommended by Daisy above. I wish I had it with me right now in fact but I think I'll stick with the crime thriller I brought with me and have a few more pina coladas to try and cheer myself up. Luckily we are at an Adults Only hotel so I don't have to see babies all the time! Wishing you all the very best for the future. Thanks again for your help over the last few months and for your kind words above xx

[Ganges]

It’s just so crap. You’re not alone x

[Koala365 in reply to Ganges]

Thank you

[Rol81]

Hi , I wish I had the magic answer or words of wisdom to give you . Your post resonated so much with me and I’m sure others too.

Im not quite ready to give up yet, probably one more go 🤞but I know that a childless life is very likely. Im not sure myself how I will cope. I just wanted you to know you’re not alone .

Enjoy that pina colada 🍹 you deserve it x

[Woody2019]

Thinking of you, such an incredibly tough journey with no guarantees, it’s cruel! I hope you and your partner heal and find some peace! Thinking of you♥️

[Ell493]

So sorry it didn't work out 💔It's not quite the same for me, I do have adult children with my ex husband, but I really wanted a child with my current husband. Having kids with my ex was a nightmare (he was a horrible man) and I really wanted another shot at it, a do over. Unfortunately I had to give up on that dream after 5 years of trying. It was an bitter pill to swallow. The fact that I'd never see my genes combined with my husband to make a little us. Plus feeling like a complete failure, like there was something wrong with me as a woman.

We decided on donor eggs and even that wasn't successful, we only got one embryo and completely out of money. We decided to implant the one and an adopted embryo at the same time. One of them took but we don't know which one. I love her just as much as my genetic children, but this route is difficult too, it's an emotional journey with complex feelings and fears that you would have to navigate your entire life. So I can understand if it's not for you.

All of my adult children have decided not to have children. I find that's a common choice of their generation. It broke my heart at first but I see that they're happy and fulfilled without them.

I hope you can heal and find peace soon. 💕

[Koala365 in reply to Ell493]

I am so sorry having a baby with your new partner didn't work out but glad donor egg/embryo has. Wishing you all the best with that. Sorry also your adult children say they don't want children. If it is any help, I know so many people who said that in their twenties and early thirties who then felt the biological clock ticking in their late thirties and then had babies. Thanks for your kind words for my situation too xx

[Ell493 in reply to Koala365]

Thank you. Yes I do hope at least one changes their mind. One of them has already taken steps to ensure it won't happen sadly. I understand they don't want to pass genes from their father down, and it's expensive, the world is over populated, etc. I think they would be happy with adoption since I now know how easy it is to love an adopted child. But we'll see what happens. Take care. Hugs to you xx

[Dinah_lady]

Thank you for your honest post. It resonated with me too. I only had 2 rounds of IVF and both were unsuccessful. I got a few eggs in the first cycle, but none fertilised. Then only 1-2 in the 2nd cycle and none fertilised by ICSI. We were told that the sperm was very good, which didn’t make me feel any better! My consultant said they would do another cycle but that I shouldn’t expect it to be successful. I’d tried a long protocol and short (flare) protocol… my body didn’t respond well to either.

I found ivf such an emotional drain. It took over my brain in so many ways. I put off applying for new jobs, spent too many hours on this forum (although there have been times when the forum was also a HUGE support and helped me not to feel so alone). I am 43 and I think the chance of a miracle is incredibly unlikely. I got upset recently after spending time with my best friend’s baby and I think it was the realisation that I won’t have that experience. It took me a bit by surprise but I just keep focusing on being thankful for what I do have in life.

I’ve been focusing on holidays, exercising and treating myself to nice things. At the moment I feel happier within myself without carrying the weight and uncertainty of IVF.

I’m with you on the adult only hotels 😊 x x

[Koala365 in reply to Dinah_lady]

Thank you. I am sorry that it didn't work out for you either. You are right - it is such an emotional drain and I found that increased further with every cycle and following every cycle that didn't work out. Your life becomes IVF and your career ends up being put on hold because in your head it becomes almost as if nothing else matters. I even went through a phase of blaming my career for me ending up with no baby as I went through the thought process of if I hadn't been so focused on my career, I would have met someone and settled down earlier and wouldn't have started this journey so late. That thought process wasn't helpful as logically my career is clearly important to me and that is something I do still have and can focus on and progress now. Thanks for the tips about treating yourself and taking holidays and exercising. I am doing the holidaying right now and I had my nails painted and had a facial while here - neither of which I would ever have done in the last 3 years while trying for a baby in case of toxic chemicals. But now I say, bring on the toxic chemicals! I know I will also feel a lot happier when I have lost all the excess weight I put on during this journey. It's good to know that that helps. I will starting my weight loss plan when I get back from holiday but only via exercise as I can't face restricting what I eat again! All the best for the future and if you find anything else which is helpful, please let me know! Xx

[Dinah_lady in reply to Koala365]

Yes… I’ve gone through times of blaming my job/career, or more so, feeling guilty about the time/commitment that I’ve put into my job over the years. However I try not to dwell as I can’t change the past!

I think that I have been focusing on what I can control in life and making the most of that. I can’t control my fertility (and the drugs that are meant to help don’t seem to be able to either)!

I’ve not read Living the Life Unexpected (yet) but I have read some things online by the author, Jody Day. I’d recommend watching her Ted Talk too, when you feel in the right mood/head space for doing that.

Sending you all the best 💕 x x

[Koala365 in reply to Dinah_lady]

Thanks so much. I'll look Jody Day up. How long is it since your last IVF and how long until you started to feel more like the real you? I feel a lot of pressure on myself to come back from this two week holiday back to my normal self and ready to throw myself into my work but I just don't think that it realistic. I feel like it is all just baby steps and that hopefully this holiday will have helped but that I am unlikely to be back to being me again until at least the new year which makes things hard in a job where I can frequently have to work until the early hours of the morning but currently need sufficient time on my own to process my thoughts!

[Dinah_lady in reply to Koala365]

I will send you a PM x x