7th BFN - how do we carry on!?!

[Bistbee]

We’ve just had another BFN after our 7th ivf attempt (3rd transfer with a pgs tested embryo). This time around I took steroids (prednisone) and had an intralipid infusion prior to transfer as from the (many many) tests I’ve had done over the years the only thing that’s been flagged as a potential problem is a high Nk cell level. I feel so stupid for believing this time could be any different from all the times before - to see that negative test yet again has just been truly soul destroying 💔 we’ve spent 4 years of our lives now dreaming of a baby, 3 of those in the IVF hamster wheel and Ive estimated around 2 years feeling pretty depressed and the equivalent of 1 year pumping myself full of meds. Genuinely don’t know what’s next for us.

We still need to speak with our doctor but honestly can’t see what she’ll be able to say that will convince us this will ever work. I’m getting increasingly frustrated that they just keep telling us ‘it’s bad luck’ and continually dangling more carrots in front of us like different meds or protocols to try - it’s never ending!

We’re considering getting some second opinions but i’m just really struggling to find any inspiration or hopeful stories of other couples who’ve had multiple (7+) ivf attempts and have had a successful pregnancy even after having only BFNs previously. Usually people seem to get over the pregnancy test barrier at some point earlier than we have, even if it means an early loss, which is horrendous obviously but how can I have faith in my body to do what it should be doing if we can’t ever get over the implantation stage 😩

Please share any stories of hope if you have been in this situation - I need something to hold onto otherwise I don’t know how to move forward

[Hidden]

I am so sorry its just so unfair.

I am afraid I am not a story of hope but I can tell you about 2 of my friends. One of whom had 8 transfers in total and had her son and daughter on her 7th and 8th transfers with her worst embryos! They were the last two not so good ones left. Another friend had 8 transfers all BFNs and then had her son on her 9th transfer. 9 months later she accidentally fell pregnant naturally having been told she never would and had her daughter.

Both of them just kept slogging away and didn't do anything different, which to be honest isn't always the best option for everyone.

Had you thought about getting a second opinion? Or have you already done that?

Sending you huge hugs. You are a legend for getting this far x

[Bistbee in reply to Hidden]

Thank you so so much 🙏🏼 this is exactly what I needed to hear. I know rationally it’s not always the best to compare yourself with others but I really was beginning to think we were totally the odd ones out never having had a BFN and that there was no one else out there who had a successful after so many negatives.

Yes we think we’re going to get some second opinions. We did get one a few months ago specifically in relation to the question of whether we should go down the immune route, which backed up our doctors opinion so that was helpful but I think now we need to be asking a wider question of ‘what would you do with us’ - thank you so much for replying xx

[Picalilli99]

I’m so sorry to hear this. You were certainly not stupid to be optimistic it would work! You’ve tried so much and they were tested embryos so it is really unfair that it’s another BFN. I’m afraid I don’t have any advice. Just wanted to send love because I understand that feeling of endless disappointment! (We did 5 fresh rounds and all 6 transfers were BFN’s - we only had the BFP when we moved to DE but it was different for us because we couldn’t make any decent embryos whereas you clearly can). You are a total trooper and I really hope that you have success very soon. A second opinion sounds like it might be a good idea. But in the meantime take care lovely 💞 xx

[Bistbee in reply to Picalilli99]

Thank you so much, I’m so sorry you had so many BFNs too and that you have experienced a BFP finally! It feels like such a lonely place to be when you don’t even fall into the ‘average’ ivf club. The few friends I have who’ve also had ivf fell pregnant on either their first or second attempts so even they can really relate to what we’re experiencing now. Thank you for you supportive words xx

[Bistbee in reply to Bistbee]

*very glad you’ve experienced a BfP!

[AuroraXen]

I'm so sorry to hear this 💔 It's like a cruel joke. Especially when you did all the extra tests, took that time out to see what they recommended, and had things like intralipids. It feels like if you go through all that you should absolutely get a BFP so when it still doesn't work, it must just be so hard. I've never had a BFP either. I know it might sound awful but I totally get what you mean about sometimes just wishing you could see that BFP even if the pregnancy doesn't result in a baby. I know that must be just the most heartbreaking experience but in a weird way at least I think I'd feel like my body can GET pregnant, if that makes any sense (I truly hope that doesn't offend anyone - I know being pregnant and not staying pregnant must be a whole other level of pain). As it is, I just feel like something must be seriously wrong with me 🤷‍♀️ I don't think any words will help much, except that sometimes against all odds people get their happy ever after. Just learned a friend of mine from work is actually 7 months pregnant now, after trying for many years with no success and lots of IVF, at age 44. And I hear all the time of women in the second half of their 40s having success naturally when they'd totally given up. I guess for some of us it does just take a long long time 😢 It's just so hard to know what to do xx

[Bistbee in reply to AuroraXen]

Thank you so much for your message, and I’m so sorry you’re also experiencing this too. I totally get what you mean about wanting to have a positive test first and foremost, it’s like you become so focused on getting over the implantation hurdle that anything after that doesn’t feel quite real anyways, but I know that if we ever do have a BFP it will just open up a whole pandora’s box of pregnancy anxiety which will be another thing we then have to deal with!!

I also feel like there must be something very wrong with me which brings a lot of shame and guilt that it’s my body failing and causing my husband and people who love us so much pain and disappointment. I can’t get my head around the fact that otherwise i’m a healthy person and don’t have any outward signs that quite a significant part of my body isn’t doing the job it’s meant to! I know labels aren’t everything but it’s like having an undiagnosed illness which is really hard to get your head around let alone when you try and explain to others why it’s not working. People don’t seem to get that the best medical science isn’t working for us. An extreme comparison but it’s like telling someone their dying but that they can’t work out why despite testing for everything and not being able to say how long you’ve got - 6 months or 6 years. And then just being expected to accept that and try and get on with your life in the meantime. A crude comparison I know but it’s the only way I can make sense of it right now!!

I hope you have all the support you need and can figure out what your path is going forward xx

[MagsGK]

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I've done 4 ivf's. Once they had even nothing to transfer as non made to day 5. That was our 3rd IVF. After that doctor told us there is basically no hope for us and the only thing to consider is donor egg as she gives us only 10% chances to get a blastocyst with next IVF. I was 37 at that time...we are TTC for 4 years now and felt devastated and defeated.

We decided to do 4th round anyway this summer and we managed to get 2 blastocysts !

I was so happy that I cannot describe it. One was transferred end of June the other one was frozen.

2WW and seen first time positive line.

I finally seen positive line...fantastic.. but what happened in next 6 weeks was absolute torture 💔

First I cried out of happines. Unfortunately next day started bleeding heavily. Long story short....it was empty sack. I had to wait till week 10 to get meds to go through misscariage. It was a torture....physically and emotionally. I knew pregnancy is not viable but I still had pregnancy symptoms. No woman should even go through this especially if you are fighting for years for that one child 😪 the day of misscariage was also a torture. I was given an option to do it at home as I live 20min away from hospital. I thought that is better option...to be honest never been in so much pain even before !

I misscarried in August. Done FET on 14/11. My test day is in 2 days...and I know this one didn't stick. I still have that little hope.. but I somehow know this deep down. I dont have any symptoms in comparison to my previous one and only experience....

I feel so lonely on my journey.

I am now really tired as I spent so many years pumping meds into myself for nothing. I think I have some sort of depression now too. Last few years of my life turned out to be a battle ...

I also got to the stage that i simply have no more money to even try again....

I'm so sorry this is not a story of hope....just want to say you are not alone....

💛

[MagsGK in reply to MagsGK]

And today, test day. Result negative.

I knew it as I know my body but had still that little hope.

4 IVF's, 4 egg retrievals with only 3 blastocysts all together....

End of the journey 😪

I feel deflated ...

[Kjo122]

Hello, so sorry to hear of your difficulties. Have you done the ERA testing to determine the proper timing of progesterone for transfer? Knowing I needed an additional 12 hours of progesterone before transfer made all the difference for us as I was pre-receptive and that’s why the first 2 didn’t work.

[Bistbee in reply to Kjo122]

Yes i’ve had a full endometrium assessment done including the ERA so we know we’re transferring at the ‘right’ time. Feel like i’ve had every test done going and the only thing we’ve found so far is a raised nk cell level which the steriods/intralipids were meant to address. It’s just so hard putting yourself through more treatment when you don’t the know the reason why it’s not working despite everything being thrown at it - really struggling with hope at the moment!

[LittleT123]

Sorry to hear this life can be so cruel can’t it. Maybe try a different clinic and 2nd opinion. I’m new to all this as only on my first cycle so don’t have much experience myself but you are amazing for going to 7 cycles the ivf is so mentally and physically draining and maybe take a break for a few months and focus on yourself, take a holiday or staycation if that’s an option and have time to clear your head and refocus. Also, have you tried any acupuncture or holistic therapy to help you. Where I live there is an acupuncturist who has an amazing reputation for helping women and couples who are struggling with successful IVF. He does a 12 week programme leading up to IVF that’s involves acupuncture and support with diet and nutrition for both female and partner and has successfully helped many woman get pregnant and have healthy babies including his own wife. Lots of people in my area really speak highly of him. Unsure if you’ve tried anything like this but if not could be worth it xx

[Bistbee in reply to LittleT123]

Thanks for your kind words ❤️ if nothing else I am a master at picking myself back up after a failed cycle, feel like I could write the handbook lol. We’ve had second opinions and will defo be looking into getting more now we have another unsuccessful cycle under our belts. The time and effort all this researching and talking to doctors takes is really quite painful! I’ve tried acupuncture but it doesn’t quite feel right for me, I do regular massage and reflexology instead - you definitely build up a very bespoke ‘toolkit’ of self care going through all of this and god knows how much i’ve spent over the years on all these kind of extras lol but you do what you’ve gotta do to get through it all I guess! Holiday is definitely on the cards along with some meals out and throwing myself into xmas activities. Some days these things really do feel like a sticking plaster though - this will be our 4th xmas since we started ttc and it’s such a hard time of year when you don’t have kids I find.

[LittleT123 in reply to Bistbee]

Yes it is a hard time of year if you don’t have kids and want them, I’ve already said to my boyfriend if I’m not pregnant from this transfer I don’t want to celebrate Christmas as I don’t see why I should have to put a brave face on to people please, he’s fine with that. I might feel differently closer to the time or I might be pregnant, but I guess we all have to find ways to cope. Look after yourself that’s the priority, just do what’s right for you xxx

[Bistbee in reply to LittleT123]

Yes I can totally relate to that, I felt exactly the same the first xmas after a year of 3 failed rounds. I found it so so hard seeing all my friends enjoying it with their babies. Luckily we don’t have children in our immediate family so we’re able to keep the xmas period fairly low key and we took ourselves away for a staycation for new years and went to some amazing restaurants which we wouldn’t have been able to do had we been pregnancy - it was a real chance for us to breathe and just feel normal again so I’d really recommend that! We’re doing it again this year. If you feel up to it do try and do some of the things you’d usually do around Xmas, but be really kind to yourself. It’s very easy to withdraw from life when you’re going through ivf and that’s totally normal but the longer your in the process the more you start to resent how much it takes away from you and when you feel like it’s stopping you from enjoying normal things or from making lovelymemories that’s when your mental health really starts to suffer I find xx

[FrancyItaly]

That’s so unfair! I am so so sorry! ❤️

[Cinderella5]

Hey bistbee....we took ages to get pregnant then longer to keep pregnancy. Our 9th transfer was success with twins. Have you had an ERA test to check your receptivity window? It was the only thing left for us but I genuinely believe it helped us. It's not cheap but worth it if tou have had lots of failed transfers. Also make sure your progesterone levels are nice and high. Massive hugs, it's hard to keep going.xx

[Bistbee in reply to Cinderella5]

Thank you for your message, and congrats on getting there on your 9th transfer! Yep we did ERA last year as part of a full endo assessment and it confirmed we are transferring at the right time for us. I feel like i’ve had every test/investigation going (although i’m sure there’s more, there’s always more 🙄) and so far it’s just my nk cell level that’s been flagged as apotential issue. My rational brain knows that even if steroids/intralipids are the key for us it could still take a couple of rounds taking those for it to actually work…and then for us to maintain a pregnancy might be even more…but i think at the moment i’m really struggling with the idea of putting myself through the same thing again and hoping for a different outcome. I know it does happen though so thank you for sharing your story as inspiration you can get there in the end!

[Bistbee in reply to Bistbee]

oh and yes my progesterone is always checked in the 2ww and it’s always been in the expected range - they pump me full of it so am a full blown progesterone monster usually 😂always means it takes aaaaages for my period to arrive after a failed cycle though, it’s been over a week since i stopped meds and have been spotting slightly for the last few days and am just like oh for fucks sake will AF just turn up so I can get that but over and done with!