Feeling v lost: When you reach the end of the line - any tips for counselling, support groups?

[fingerscrossedX]

First, apologies this isn't a very inspiring post. None of us want to get to this point and all hope we won't and probably don't want to read about it! It feels like the bit of the 'journey' which in many ways is the least supported and discussed, perhaps even a bit taboo. Please look away if this isn't going to give you the lift and hope you need at the moment - I completely understand!

I'm starting 2022 feeling like I have a completely blank sheet of paper in front of me.

After three years of intensive treatment - 8 cycles - and considering my age (nearly 42), we can't do anymore to try and make this work. The quality of embryo just isn’t there. Following a failed transfer of two frozen blastocysts in November, we decided to test our two remaining frozen blastocysts before proceeding with a 9th cycle (6th transfer) and they didn't even make it to biopsy. We found out in mid December they had thawed well, but failed to continue to expand.

It's been a lot of very bad news in quick succession to take in, and obviously still in early days I'm struggling with a lot of anger, resentment and tears.

For the past three years (four including natural trying) I have started each year hopeful of better news. This year feels very empty without that. Unfortunately, and not helped by the pandemic, my life and work has been completely squeezed by treatment until I feel now at a point where I have very little structure, opportunity, and general umph left to turn things around and re-build my life. Depression has ebbed and flowed through all of this and it feels like it's getting a grip now too.

If anyone has been here, or knows anyone who has, and can suggest specific support groups or counsellors I'd really appreciate it. I need help accepting this isn’t going to happen for us and coping, but also rebuilding and planning. It's so hard to find the right help tailored for this situation.

(I'd just add we are currently ruling out egg donation. Adoption a possibility down the line. Natural conception very low chances purely because of the quality issue on both sides. But for now need to deal with this idea of not becoming a mum and what life can hold without that.)

Thanks so much for listening to all that.

[Krystal_43]

I didn’t want to read and run. I’m so sorry to hear you are feeling this way. Moving on from treatment is a very difficult choice, and one I’m currently considering myself (4 failed cycles, no implantation ever, & sick of living in limbo). There is a board on here about it (trying searching “moving on from ivf”) that you might find useful. There’s also some books you might useful (eg., Elizabeth Day has spoken quite publicly about her failed ivf/ decision to move on from TTC). My work friend made the decision to move on from ivf in her early 40s and says it gets a lot easier with time. Sending lots of love. X

[fingerscrossedX in reply to Krystal_43]

Thanks so much, I’ll search for that, really helpful and such kind words. Really hope if you try again you get there xx

[XOXO13]

Hey, I’ve not been in your shoes but I wanted to reach out and give you a virtual big hug. I sympathise with everything you have gone through and wish there was something I could say to make you feel a little better. You’ve been a fighter and an absolute warrior. This journey is incredibly tough and you’re right that there is still little conversation that is had when things don’t work out, which they don’t for everyone.

I think there are stories and people you can reach out to via Tommys and on the Miscarriage Association page, there is a group titled “when the trying stops” which may provide some connection and support with others in similar position to yours.

I really hope you find your way back to yourself, that you find some peace and I’m sending you lots of luck and love in this next chapter xx

[fingerscrossedX in reply to XOXO13]

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply and your thoughtful words x

[Seren0119]

It is an incredibly difficult and personal decision.

Earlier this year, it is something I was considering and I even started the process for fostering to adopt.

There is this app which could be useful?

myjourney.pt

It was developed by Cardiff University to help women process their emotions when they feel it’s the end of their journey.

I also joined a Fertility Network event for women who were considering ending their journey and it was very therapeutic knowing I was not alone. Perhaps message them and ask to be part of the group?

You can also find accredited fertility counsellors here: bica.net

Thinking of you xx

[fingerscrossedX in reply to Seren0119]

This is really so helpful, thank you

[KateBrian]

I'm so sorry to hear you've had such a tough time but wanted to let you know that we do have a range of different support at Fertility Network that might be helpful.

We have a group just for people who are thinking about moving on from treatment which might be helpful - you can find a list of all our UK-wide groups here - fertilitynetworkuk.org/acce...

We also have a range of regional groups across the UK - see here - fertilitynetworkuk.org/acce...

Finally, we have our support line which is open every week day from 10-4 if you just want to talk to someone who understands - fertilitynetworkuk.org/acce...

If you want to speak to a counsellor, I see someone has recommended the British Infertility Counselling Association. Their counsellors all have specialist training in dealing with fertility issues. You can see a list of all the counsellors and you can contact a few to find one you'd feel most comfortable with - bica.net/find-a-counsellor

Do take care and I hope this may be helpful x

[fingerscrossedX in reply to KateBrian]

Thanks very much Kate, that’s just what I needed thank you. I’ll look into it all.

[hoping2021]

danygriffiths.com/fertility...

I’m sorry you are going through this and that the ivf cycles didn’t work out. I think that’s something we all fear at the back of our minds on this journey.

The above councillor (her website above) was recommended to me a while ago. Ive not used her service. But It seems to provide focus on skills for how to overcome a situation like yourself and empower yourself again.

the recommendation came from a colleague who actually knows her personally.

All the very best on this path to closure.

Xxxx

[fingerscrossedX in reply to hoping2021]

Thanks so much, I will definitely read up

[Same0508]

I just gone through the story and thought will I be doing the same if I won't succeed in my journey...I'm 30 now been trying for 2 years Everytime embryos won't grow past6- 8 -12 weeks ...and my babies are such stubborn that there heart didn't stop beating even stopping multivitamin or hope!!!!!

To become a mother, is not about giving birth or holding a child in uterus. We live in world where dogs are more precious n loyal than own babies. You at this end wanting to adopt child n become mother where a child somewhere at other end now thinking of having parents... Hope God join those ends very soon... Gud luck...Bless you...hope you fill with positivity this year...

[fingerscrossedX in reply to Same0508]

Thank you very much, I really wish you all the luck in your journey

[MBD79]

Hiya, I haven’t got an recommendations or suggestions but very much in similar position. Just finished final round with last of my husbands sperm sample completed 5 rounds of treatment. I now know we won’t be having children of our own which is tough to process I don’t even know where to begin.

I wanted to reach out I know all our situations are different but wanted to say thinking of you, big hugs and if you ever wanted to chat I’m happy to. Take care xx

[fingerscrossedX in reply to MBD79]

Hello, so sorry, sounds very much the same as I feel. Thanks for replying - happy to dm ? Do drop me a line if so, it might help to have a link with someone in a similar boat x

[Char2383]

I’m so so sorry this is where you’ve found yourself after so many years of trying.. the word ‘trying’ just doesn’t summarise the daily emotional, physical and mental effort that goes into this. The advise given by all the women in this thread are all really good resources. I’m sorry I can’t add anything more meaningful but there are also a lot of really good Instagram accounts that are really inspirational no matter what route you chose to take from here. I’ve also found Deepek Chopras 21 day abundance challenge meditation have got me out of some dark places. Sending you a massive virtual hug xxx

[fingerscrossedX in reply to Char2383]

Thanks so much for understanding, I will take a look at that meditation

[AuroraXen]

I'm so sorry 💔 I know a lot of us on here like to say things like 'just keep the faith, you'll get there, you'll get your baby in the end' etc and it's always kindly meant and it's what we all want to believe desperately. But the tragic truth is, we won't. We simply won't. The statistics for IVF success are just pretty bleak at our age, and I know how it feels to just despair that all your eggs and embryos are abnormal, are just not good enough. This is my consultant's view, pretty much, that our transfers aren't working and we've never had a BFP in 3 years of trying because they aren't chromosomally normal. And that's very hard to hear. Even so, I think if we could justify the tremendous expense I'd be tempted to just keep going until I stop menstruating and menopause hits! But that just isn't an option, or not a sensible option, for so many, me included. I know the more transfers you do, the better your overall odds, and part of me thinks 'if I can do 6, 7, 8, 9 transfers, we're bound to get there.' Except we AREN'T bound to get there. It must be very very hard to start coming to terms with this, and I don't have any wise words except to say that you are so brave 😘💚 I'm glad people have posted avenues for specialist support and care, as this is so important. I wish I had something better and more reassuring and more profound to say to make this easier xx