How have you coped with IVF not working?

[AliceMoonpie]

We just got a BFN from final round of icsi. We do have a 3 year old, but we wanted a sibling for him. Tried frozen embryos, then 2 fresh cycles. Got 2 good quality (B) blastocysts first cycle then 1 good quality (B/C) blastocyst and one slow moving embryo (wasn't yet at morula stage but still dividing) the second cycle. I'm 44 in a few weeks time, so it seems like time has run out for us.

But that doesn't stop me aching for my little baby (one of the ones that didn't take). I just always thought I'd have 2 or 3 kids. I'm one of 6 and the thought of just having one just one child just doesn't feel like a real family. To me a family is big and lively and chaotic. My husband is an only child and it's hard and lifeless visiting his parents, who are kind of boring and cliquey. I don't want us to be a clicque. I want us to be an inclusive, chaotic, loving family. I know I "just" need to shift how I've felt about family my whole life, but that's not an easy thing to do.

I know how lucky we are to have our gorgeous, gorgeous son. But it doesn't stop the grief I feel.

I want my son to hold his little brother or sister in his arms. The thought of him growing up without a sibling and of us dying and him being left without family, without having anyone to share the grief with just fills me with sadness for my son. When my dad was deathly ill having my siblings to laugh with and be silly with and to share my love and fear for my dad with made the whole thing bearable.

Is there anyone here who has been through this and come out the other end? How did you do it? How long did it take?

[CLDxxx]

Sorry you’ve had a difficult time. I’m in a different position as I’m doing this alone as a single mum, waiting to have my transfer soon but just wanted to say I completely get where you’re coming from as I’m the youngest of 7.

I always hoped to have a few children and have the family experiences I did as a child and now as time has passed I am still hoping for one child but really if possible 2.

I also worry so much about having one, thinking of life ahead and like you when my parents have been ill it’s been so lovely to share things, worries, concerns with my siblings, our humour gets us through the tough times and we have such a closeness - some more than others I might add 🙈

However, as we are so close, all the cousins are close too and that brings me some hope that if I have a baby, they will always look out for him/her.

Does your son have cousins?

Another thing to consider is, your husband met you and you have a big family, whose to say your son won’t meet someone in years to come and have the support from the other side & then go on to have a family himself?

My dad was the same, his brother died young so was the only child when his parents died but my dad had my mum and all 7 of us to support him & my mums the youngest of 10 so her big family became his too.

I’m not sure if I’ve helped but hopefully given you something to think about but please know I do know exactly how you feel. I also worry that my parents who aren’t in great health will miss out on meeting my baby as I’ve left it so long. So many different worries, without the treatment on top.

I really hope it works out for you, there is definitely still hope - maybe they could try different meds?

Take care xxx

[AliceMoonpie in reply to CLDxxx]

My son has 5 cousins and it's possible there could be more (from as yet single brothers/uncles) so you're right, it could be a lot worse. Thanks a lot for your words. You're totally right. It's interesting you talk about alternative meds - wasn't aware that was an option.

I really hope your transfer goes well. xx

[sun-and-rain]

I see you, and now being pregnant with our first, being at the age of 38 by the time of the birth, makes me understand the wish for giving a sibling to your son. I guess I'd want it too, even if my pregnancy so far hasn't been the easiest thing on my body yet.

I think what's been said about knitting tight relations to uncles, aunts and cousins is wise. Also I'd add that what biological family can't supply, close friendships could. I'm going for that blessed chaotic mess in our home even if God would give us only one child! There are so many children, and now I'm not even talking about those in need of foster parents - even if that could be an option for some, in the neighborhood or among your friends who might need a coupple of more safe grownups around them. I want to be such a person myself ❤

Hoping that you can find a way to find a sense of meaning and a way out of the (worst) sense of failure and disappointment (it might never leave you completely, just as it is with those having lost a child later in pregnancy)! Take your time to grieve, but don't lose hope of a meaningful, chaotic, life filled life ahead ❤❤❤

[AliceMoonpie in reply to sun-and-rain]

That's nice to know that other parents who are considering being parents to an only child also want a "blessed chaotic mess". Maybe it is something that's possible. I hope so. I like your lateral thinking about how to achieve it. xx

[Blondiexx]

You are very lucky to have a child in general... i would be happy with just that... 💔 x

[SharlyWarly]

I totally get where you're coming from. I'm only (!!) one of 3 and we have a 2 year old daughter. We are about to commence our last attempt and I feel very much the same as you, I think my daughter will find her parents ageing (we are 42 and 59 already) very difficult, let alone us dying when she will be still very young. I'm really sorry for you that your last go didn't work out I am half preparing for this too, I have thought I will have to make sure that we are more sociable and that she has plenty of friends and extended family around her. I wish I could give more advice on how to move forward but more than anything I just wanted to say there are others that understand what you are facing x

[Jessy1280]

I'm not coping at all tbh. Think I'm about to have my second failure. Literally nothing wrong with me but yet it keeps failing. I'm scared ill never be a mum. Keep wondering if there is actually something wrong with me.

[LKT1]

Hi Alice. Sorry to read your troubles. I’m very fortunate that I’m 18 weeks pregnant with our first baby after our second round of ivf. However my body hasn’t responded well to pregnancy and I have been bed ridden, in hospital and suffering from Hypermesis Gravidarum. I really really have struggled to cope physically and mentally/emotionally due to being so drained, losing weight whilst pregnant and isolation. I know I’m so fortunate to be pregnant and we have had such an emotional journey getting to this point but I just know I can’t go through pregnancy sickness again.

We also want more children for same reasons as you. Before ivf we alsolooked into and discussed adoption. We were really unsure and nervous about this option but went to an open day which has really opened our minds to it. We have decided our baby’s sibling will be adopted. If you are desperate for siblings I would highly recommend attending an open day/drop in event even if you are really unsure about it. They are really relaxed, no pressure environment and just an opportunity to ask questions and learn about the process etc.

Hope you find a way to achieve your dream xx

[articsnowfox]

have you tried early egg retrieval (retrieval when lead follicle is between 16-18mm; better for older women), DHEA and CoQ10 (also beneficial for older women, and human growth hormone? I think the first 2 things worked for me - i am 44 and 15 weeks pregnant (43 when i did the ivf for this baby)

[AliceMoonpie in reply to articsnowfox]

Wow, that's great to hear it working for someone the same age as me congratulations on the little bean xx

[Hidden]

I understand where you’re coming from. As an only child myself, I always dreamt about having more than one child myself. Sadly our IVF journey ended this week at 9 weeks after a miscarriage so at present that’s now off the table. We had one shot and got so near, yet so far. I’m still trying to process it to be honest. We had such high hopes.

I was lucky enough to grow up with cousins who I’m close to and have friends who are as close to sisters/brothers as if they were blood. I also had a great life and being an only one taught me to be comfortable on my own and independent.

You have options and I’m sure whether you try to expand your family or not, your son will have the best loved upbringing a child could wish for.

xx