Any good tips on how to feel 'normal'?

Evening All,

I do hope you are all doing ok. Sorry in advance for the negative post so soon into 2018. First day back at work and I was determined to return feeling positive and optimistic (new year new start!) Anyway, no sooner had I got into work, being the only childless member of the team, I already started to feel a bit isolated with the general chit chat regarding all their childrens xmas presents. We had a colleague return from maternity leave and a new member of staff with a 5 week old. Every minute of the day was spent chatting about parenthood. I cannot even put into words the complex set of emotions I feel right now... I feel so very happy for them but sad for hubby and me, I feel guilty that my body is failing us, tearful with my hormones going crazy, angry that we are having to be put through this, afraid about what the future holds and apprehensive about how I am going to remain 'normal' at work. I just don't think I can anymore. Do I just be honest with everyone? Do I keep going and pretend everything is ok? Do I knock on my managers door and say how i'm feeling (she is the only one who knows and has been very supportive)? When i'm at work I appear ok, but when I get home I am tearful and poor hubby, bless him this is all he sees. I really don't want to worry my family anymore. How do you all keep so strong? Thanks for your amazing support and sending you all love and BIG hugs xxx

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Oh poppy I really feel for you, what a tough situation to be in. I think in terms of the roller coaster of emotions your feeling that can be quite ‘normal’ during this journey but please don’t beat yourself up with guilt as it’s not your fault like it isn’t any of ours we’ve been dealt this path.

I would consider telling them if you think they’ll be able to offer support, the difficulty is if you tell them and they continue as normal you may feel even more upset that they are being so insensitive. I think talking to your manager would be a good idea, are you able to be moved to sit anywhere different in your job so your not faced and the daily conversation. Thinking of you xx

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Thank you so much. It feels like i've suddenly realised what a potentially long journey we have ahead of us and whilst I am so very happy for everyone else and don't want to be treated any differently, it's hard sometimes. I work in a small team with only one office that's shared so no option there. I think i'm feeling a bit low as i've been spotting for two days (4 days before AF due) which is what we were trying to avoid with Clomid as Consultant thinks i'm losing my lining too early preventing implantation so not responded as well as I hoped. How are you doing lovely? Xxx

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Its okay to allow yourself to go through those emotions to, this journey is physically and emotionally exhausting. Oh I see that is difficult, do you think your manager would be able to help if you spoke to them?

Sorry to hear that about clomid, no wonder your feeling a little low. Are you going to try the 25mg still? I’m okay thanks still waiting for either AF to arrive or to brave doing a test next week and then see what happens from there xx

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Thanks lovely, i have everything crossed for you, such a stressful time, the wait for AF is so difficult isn't it!?! I've just phoned my clinic for a bit of advice as i've had bleeding off and on for 2 days but not a 'normal' bleed, woke up to a fair amount of bleeding Monday morning and then just spotting since with period like cramping accompanied by right sided pain. Way too early for AF but was waiting for a 'normal' flow and now not sure if I should have started clomid or not (25mg). Could just be a side effect but i'm guessing as it's so early in my cycle plus the fact i've overstimulated indicates i haven't responded as well as I could have. Once i know what's happening i'll have a chat with my Manager she is so lovely I know she'll understand xxx

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It sure is, I have a feeling it hasn’t worked cause I’m not feeling anything like I did in my last tww but my hubbys like you can’t compare it to an IVF cycle so we’ll see, he’s very positive compared to me! Lol

I don’t think you should start until there’s a full flow well that’s what my clinic say, maybe your body is getting ready for a good clear out because of the over stimulation hence the spotting your getting. What did your clinic advise? Xx

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My hubby is exactly the same so positive and optimistic. It's so easy to say but it's not over until Af makes an appearance. TWW is the hardest so i completely understand. Have you got any plans to keep yourself busy? Ibwas waiting for full flow that's why i hadn't started the meds but spoke to the clinic, they said it can mess up my cycle and because there was a bleed initially they're treating it as an early period so to go ahead and start today at 25mg and have scan booked for 12th. Only problem is starting on day 3 instead of day 2. Still bleeding off and on, very weird but will follow their instructions. I did get the worst headache i think i have had in ages new years day (i normally get a migraine day of or day before AF) so makes sense it's an early period. All very confusing but hopefully things will know more at the scan. Hope you're doing ok xxx

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I know how you feel. Had a bit of a bad day in general too. Like you I can generally hold it together at work but there are times when I have even cried on the drive home whilst sitting in traffic. Then my lovely man has to try to comfort me in the evening.

I also have a supportive boss but I have also shared what I have been through with a couple of close colleagues. It has helped. It just depends how comfortable you feel with the people you work alongside.

Sending you hugs

Xxx

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Thanks lovely, this journey doesn't get any easier does it!?! I'm pleased you have support at work, and that being open has helped. My Manager has been so lovely, gave me a big hug and has respected my wishes to keep things private which to be honest is my preference at the moment as I am a very private person at work. Just feels like you're surrounded by constant reminders every day and with hormones going crazy flying left right and centre, this really doesn't help. I need to book my scan in and this will likely fall on a work day so will probably have a chat then. I can totally understand the need to keep things together at work and then needing to 'release' those emotions when leaving. If there is anything i can do to help, please feel free to message me any time xxx

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Thanks Poppy, you too. Hope tomorrow is a better day xxx

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Thanks lovely xxx

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I'm so sorry to hear about how your situation - it's a bad start of the for you too. I'm glad you came up and shared it in here - no matter how hard we can stick together and make the fertility struggle bearable. Self-pity won't help, so stop blaming yourself and feeling miserable. Remember no infertility is absolute and it's only a matter of time to get over it. I'd suggest you be honest with your team rather than putting on an "it's okay" pretence. You can simply choose to tell them that not having a child yet makes it impossible for you to relate and be a part of their conversation - feeling left out of the team. Why don't they choose something else to discuss where you can participate too and feel as an effective team. Unless some of your colleagues want to deliberately be mean to you - that can't be helped except with your being immune and ignorant to it (if it's at all the case). Going to the manager will be sensible if that comes with a possibility to change the team and only when the initial attempt to change the usual conversation fails. Stay strong lady!

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Thanks lovely for your response, hope you are doing ok. Wishing you every success with your journey and sending you BIG hugs xxx

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I have felt exactly the same. 2 of the 3 people I manage have had new babies this year. It is so hard putting on a front when you feel so sad it isn’t you. I have kept quiet so far but told my manager and one other person on the team at the same level as me. I recently had a hypnotherapy session which I found really helpful in trying to dispel some of the sadness and anger. It also helped me to sleep better. I’m planning to have another one soon.

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Hi lovely and thank you for your response, sorry to hear you you have been feeling similar but pleased to hear hypnotherapy helped. Really helpful advice, thank you. Wishing you every success with your journey and sending you BIG hugs xxx

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And you! ❤️✨

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And you! ❤️✨

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I keep strong by telling everyone. It helps me not to have to keep my upset to myself but also I think people are then more considerate x

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Thanks lovely wishing you every success with your journey and sending you BIG hugs xxx

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Hi Poppy, I know this doesn’t work for everyone, but I generally don’t participate in conversations at work when they talk about kids etc. I just carry on working and don’t really have time for it anyway as I don’t have any experience of it.

Don’t get me wrong if someone tells me a nice story about their children they want to share, of course I am not rude about it and will have a conversation.

With regards to idle chit chat etc, I just don’t entertain it as firstly I have nothing to share and no experience of it and I can get on with my work anyway!

No one knows about my fertility challenge, not even parents so I don’t intend to share it with anyone as they cannot help solve my problem.

I know it sounds harsh but that’s how I deal with it and actually as I have nothing to really share when it comes to kids other than fertility issues, I find their stories quite boring.

When they have something more interesting to share I prefer to participate in those conversations instead!

Sorry about the start to your year. I hope it gets better soon.

If you feel they will support you, it might be worth sharing. I don’t feel I will get that from my work mates, although we all close, I cannot see how they will support me or add any value, so I have chosen not too.

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Thanks lovely for your reply and i hope you are doing ok. I am generally a private person eapecially at work so at present I do prefer to keep things private, which most of the time is fine just some days are hard. Wishing you every success with your journey and sending you BIG hugs xxx

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Hi, yes that’s my issue too! I try to keep it to myself as don’t really want pity faces around me, but sometimes you need it as you say. I would take it as it comes for now.

Big hugs back!

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Thanks lovely for your response, for the most part i can put a brave face on but some days are harder then others. Take care and hope you are doing ok xxx

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Not really I haven’t thought it as such as the tww cause I know that would drive me insane over Christmas is kind of just told myself it was a trial to see what happens but I’ve lost all positivity now 🙈

Oh okay best to follow their advice, good luck for this time hope you respond well. I think clomid adds to headaches as well probably made your migraines worse. It’s so frustrating isn’t it how we have to go through all this and then our bodies won’t do as they should just to make it a little straight forward xx

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That's a really good way of looking at things, i know it's so hard but try not to think of the worst. Keep strong. I'm here of you need a chat. I do know exactly how you feel, why oh why do we have to put ourselves through this? I just don't understand why our bodies won't do what they're suppose to do, especilially when we all try and lead such healthy lifestyles. As you say, if only things could be a little straight forward to save all this stress and worry, would make life so much easier! Xxx

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Hi Poppy. I'm in a similar boat to you in that I've kept my fertility issues and multiple m/cs to myself. I'm just a very private person and having to share something so personal with people is too uncomfortable for me. This does have its complications, of course, in that you can find yourself at the centre of many conversations about pregnancies, new babies, new grandparents, etc. Most of the time I detach myself from it, but sometimes it feels very raw.

The way I feel about it is I don't want people to treat me differently, so I choose not to let them know and continue dealing with the heartache when it arises. I just wish people were more emotionally sensitive and in tune with the idea that not everyone has it so easy.

I think the issues of infertility and how people view it will go through a similar timeline as mental illness. Not so long ago people thought depression was just the case of someone being a bit low, but now there's a far greater understanding of the physical and practical implication is has on life. I think in a few years people (including clinicians) will have a better understanding of how far reaching the impact of infertility and pregnancy loss can be. At least I hope so!

Remember this forum and all the wonderful people on it are here for you on the days you just need to let off some steam. We get it, even when others don't.

Love xxx

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Hi lovely, thank you so much for your kind response. You have put in words exactly how i've been feeling which makes me feel i'm not alone so thank you. I am so very sorry to hear about your m/cs and the difficulties you have been through. I too am very private and the thought of others knowing is too much for me to deal with right now. It was such a big decision for me to inform my Manager but in the end I had no choice as the time off i need for appointments is often at short notice which is difficult in my line of work. As it turns out, this has helped massively but i am very reluctant to inform anyone else. I can often distance myself and for the most part keep going but there is the odd day when there's no respite from the discussions that makes things so hard. Like you say, it would be nice if there is more sensitivity to the emotional impact fertility can have and perhaps more understanding that it doesn't always come easy for everyone. I guess for those who have no reports of any struggles it is very difficult to fully understand the emotional rollercoaster we go through. This forum has been so much help, i'm truly amazed by how strong everyone is. I hope you are doing ok. Wishing you every success with your journey and sending you BIG hugs xxx

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Anytime, honey. It's such a horrible thing to go through, and you're right that people who don't have any direct or indirect experience of it just have no idea of how painful it is. I think the fact that you can pick yourself up, go to work and survive day after day is a testament to your strength. But you're definitely allowed to have days when it all feels too much. And that's what were here for :-)

Lots of love and big hugs to you too - especially on the really rubbish days xxx

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Thanks lovely, also doesn't help that the drugs send our hormones crazy! Same to you hun, i'm here if you ever need a chat xxx

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Hi Poppy, I really understand your pain. For me, the workplace is my safe haven as I work with a lot of young people who are not at all in that stage, but literally all of my friends have babies or small children. Our social gatherings and holidays together revolve around the children and I feel very very isolated from them.

Are there any other people at work you can make friends with? I found that hanging out with people who are not on the baby train was the only time I ever feel normal. It does mean that I sometimes choose them over my closer friends, but it really does wonders for my state of mind. It really helps to know there ARE people in the world who don't have children yet!!

I have had 2 failed fresh cycles, first time I got some frozen embies (privately) and second time it failed without any frozen at all (NHS). Last failure was in October last year and I have had to take a break. We went on a holiday to Thailand, had a nice Christmas, went out, drank alot and danced. I feel more normal now than I have in almost 2 years! During that time I have been on herbs and natural meds, gearing up for another round in about March. The hormones really play a huge part so I recommend balancing them first before you try again. You need to clear your body and mind from the past failures, I really believe its how this next time is going to work for you!

Good luck and please don't feel alone! Happy 2018, its going to be your year!!

xx

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Thank you so much for your response, i'm so sorry to hear about your difficulties and I do hope you are doing ok. I work in a very small team who are absolutely lovely but being the only childless member does make me feel a little isolated at times. I sometimes will choose not to attend work socials, not because i'm being unsociable but because i sometimes feel the need to distance myself for my own protection really. I hope you had a fabulous holiday and lovely Christmas and wishing you every success with your journey. I have everything crossed that this will be our year. Sensing BIG hugs, i'm here if you ever need a chat xxx

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