Struggling after failed FET

[Violet89]

Hi everyone,

Sorry to be a Debbie downer I just didn't know where else to turn. I am now 3 weeks after my BFN and I feel awful. I can't stop crying, I am so unbelievably anxious about being on my own (doesn't help with working from home and my other half is going on a stag do tomorrow until Sunday). Normally being on my own doesn't bother me, but right now I just can't hack it. I can't seem to relax. I'm not sleeping, I cry at the drop of a hat. I've also got some painful swollen under the skin spots on my chin (guessing this is a hormone comedown) and a swollen jaw. I just want to wake up and feel like me again. Did anyone else suffer after a failed frozen embryo transfer? I just feel so alone. I was on a long protocol with buserelin to start and then 12mg of oestrogen and 2 x cyclogest 400mg pessaries and 2 x lubion injections.

Thank you for listening x

[Rain415]

I'm so sorry to hear this violet you are not being a Debbie downer! This whole process is SO hard and especially after a failed cycle. I struggled myself with feeling like a failure and just wanting something so much. I also get very bad skin after the hormones nice little parting gift! Have you thought about speaking to a counsellor? Does your clinic offer this? It will get easier but be kind to yourself treat yourself to something you love doing whilst your husband is away. Your doing the best you can ❤️

[Violet89 in reply to Rain415]

Thank you so much for your kind words. It is so unbelievably tough. Hormones send me sideways! I am just longing to feel normal. I have therapy once a week as I am training to be a Psychotherapist (so I should have all the coping mechanisms!) I might reach out to the clinic though and get some extra counselling too. Hope you're doing ok. x

[Rain415 in reply to Violet89]

Wow you must have alot on your plate training to be a psychotherapist as well! Never know might be good to talk to someone who knows more about the joys of fertility struggles. I'm good thank you currently 6dp5dt my third transfer not feeling too hopeful hate this part! X

[BECIO]

Hey love! I completely understand where you are coming from. My cycled failed early June and I do feel less sad and not crying all day everyday like before but feel like a different person like a part of me changed or has gone after the process. It really helped me to think about next steps and focus on what I can control and book some nice things for myself and loook after myself eat and sleep well. I spoke to the counsellor and the clinic and that helped. I have my ups and downs but hopefully each day you will feel a little bit better xxx

[Tracey4668]

What you're feeling is completely normal. You grieve for what could have been. Plus those hormones are playing havoc. When I had my first bfn, I was off sick for about a month. I was crying and felt hopeless.I had fertility counselling which did help a little but tbh for me time was the healer. It will get better for you.

I also took a long break before my next transfer (about a year as pandemic also hit). I wasn't happy about it because at the time I was 38 and felt I was wasting each day as I was getting older.

But I knew I wasn't mentally ready and a break was important.

Ivf is stressful and very hard. After my 2nd bfn I was still gutted but less so as I'd been through the process before and was more realistic (on my 1st I was 100% thinking it was going to work - naive I know). We decided to go straight into our 3rd transfer. My thoughts were if this 3rd one is bfn then I don't think I can put myself through it again. It takes it's toll on you.

You need to be kind to yourself right now. I know it'll be hard with him away as you need him emotionally right now. Why don't you put a little plan in place for these few days? Box set, bath and pamper, day in bed etc. Allow yourself to be lazy and do what you enjoy.

Try not to think "I'm alone". Think, i get the bed to myself, tv to myself, takeaway just for me.

You will get there. Reaching out on here is a positive step, we've all been there. We get it.

Sending hugs x

[Gabriella89]

Hi Violet89 i was exactly the same after my first failed transfer (had 2 now) I couldn’t snap myself out of it and felt so helpless. Two things really helped me both times I had failures - try reading The Power of Now or A New Earth by Eckhart Tole (also he did a great series of interviews with Oprah which really helped me) the second thing I did was go to Reiki which really helped me clear some very dark emotional baggage. Keep going - each step we take is one step closer to our babies, sending you love and healing xxx

[Hidden]

Just to echo what the others have said, its very normal what you are feeling.

The way I coped after my first failed round was to have period of grieving but then one day started focusing on round 2 and what I would do differently. I also started round two pretty much straight after round one.

I found I was really upset until I had my follow up appointment with my consultant and that sort of made me feel in control again and ready to fight again. Hopefully you will have that soon and they will have a plan for you.

its easy for me to say but your clinic will have learnt loads from this round and it doesnt mean it won't happen next time. Hugs xx

[Purpledoggy]

A hefty proportion of how you are feeling is a comedown from the medication. You were on high doses of progesterone and when you withdraw them suddenly you basically have a mini postpartum depression. No one warned me about this part and I really did find it the hardest of the whole process mentally, not just because I was grieving for the failed round but my hormones were not allowing me to move on. But, it will pass even though right now it does not feel like it. On my failed round I thought I had actually finally lost the plot, I did not know whether I was coming or going, insomnia, night sweats, uncontrollable crying. It went on for 2 weeks and I thought it was never going to go away. Once your natural hormones start taking over again it really does get better. I can completely understand your not wanting to be alone while you partner is away so my best suggestion is to be as self-indulgent as possible. Do absolutely everything you can think of to spoil yourself - chocolate, wine, face masks, baths, whatever crap on Netflix you love, especially if your partner doesn't! Be really really kind to yourself. xx

[qido]

hi violet,

i know well your feeling as im kind queen always failed for any ivf treatment as near frustrated. however since last month i do accupunture, my accupunturist totally awesome, she not just do accupunture she also always ask how i feel weekly so each week she make work plan differently for me that not only nourishment my wombs and improve my qi and yin level… she also do with my mood and feeling. gradually i feel connection with my body… i feel like i follow what my body said and more calm, more relax/let it go, more love my body and say sorry to body that i might not much. so i learn more self love my mind and body now, beside eat follow diet that suggest my accupunture to improve not only qi,yin and blood deficiency… i feel improvement on my mood/soul and body( not easy tired) and i keep try visual that i can pregnant as my body is awesome can do the works( try be positive thinking by sometime speak with my body to work together).

i hope this working for you.

if you in south yorkshire i can introduce you to my accupunture that totally awesome by pm me.

[Cricket2]

So sorry to hear how you are feeling, some great suggestions up here, some I will take for myself too.

My skin has also taken a hit, it’s extremely sore and looks horrendous!

Everyone is different with how they heal, for me, Iv thrown myself into a 28 day challenge to lose weight and fat, it’s given me a real sense of purpose each day, picking the right meals, doing the exercise and getting weighed each week, it’s helped me focus my mind elsewhere. I also know this will help improve my chances for the next round, which is a bonus.

Wishing you the best x

[Maya2211]

Hi Violet, I understand how you feel. I just recently (yesterday) received news from the clinic my 1st transfer negative result. The disappointment, sadness and regret all rolled in one.. You feel you could have done better to have kept the embryo to stick, yet in your heart it was beyond your control. The pain is still raw and nothing can make you feel better.

At this point in time you could only cry and hurt as this baby would have meant something in your life. All I can say is surround yourself with people who loves you and you love back. Spend time healing yourself from inside out. It may take time, but you must think about your well being and know that this is not the end but you can still make plan for another one.

I know I won't give up, even though this was me 3rd attempt. But I want you to know that you are strong and capable woman, who won't let anything beat you down. Keep trying, and I hope and pray for your mental safety and physical goodness. Take care, I'm around if you want to chat.. xoxo