Struggling

[Glug82]

Hi everyone, I'm struggling to come to terms with not having my own child. I'm soon to be 42 and I'm in a same sex relationship of five years. My partner has an 11 year old son from a previous relationship, conceived via a sperm donor, at home.

We both initially wanted another child and both wanted to be the biological mothers, which in a same sex relationship is obviously not going to happen! So after I initially tried first with the AI at home method, for approx 8 months, we then decided that my partner should try - she was also trying via artificial insemination at home too, using a sperm donor.

She tried for over a year and then we stopped due to it being quite an emotional rollercoaster, so put it to the back of our minds for another year or so.

In the last 4 months however, I have failed to cope with my growing feelings of sadness and loss of not trying myself, that I've left it too late - due to being 42 in July, and I can't stop crying about it tbh.

I have broached it with my partner a handful of times about my desire to try again myself as I felt it was my last chance and also that we maybe seek an IVF route through a clinic instead, for better chances, but she didn't really respond to it and so I left it; even though it was hurting me everyday inside. The last conversation we've had however, she has now said she doesn't want to try for a child anymore.

This has obviously rocked me, as we both no longer want the same thing and secondly cos I can't help my feelings of sorrow over not trying one last time for myself. She has already had a child of her own and now I feel heartbroken that I never will.

I'm faced with a dilemma - do I lose my relationship and try myself ( look at IVF - which I am unsure what's available to me, if anything via NHS, and privately too - financially if there's plans I can pay monthly or anything?) or do I try to get over not ever having my own child?

It's affecting everything, I feel grief, I'm depressed, I don't want to grow to resent my partner, resent bringing up and providing for my stepchild etc - lots of things going through my head at the moment.

Being stepmum to her 11 year old son in itself is difficult sometimes because I sometimes feel the very evident difference from how my partner is and feels towards him - he is her biological Son so they have that bond, I came into his life when he turned 7.

I love him and my partner very much, but sometimes I feel like I will never feel what my partner does for her child and I will never be viewed like he views his biological Mum either, and so it's like I'm constantly reminded of what I cannot ever have too.

I do feel like a ticking time bomb, and just don't know what to do, time isn't on my side, possibly already too late as I'm 42 in July - so I don't know whether to try counselling to get over never being a biological mum, or have one last try, so I know I've at least done everything I can?

I just wanted to write everything down as I feel like I don't know what to do, and can't cope with my grief at the moment.

Thanks for reading this, I'd be grateful of anyone else's experiences or advice x

[Millbanks]

Firstly, I'm so sorry you're feeling like this - it must be incredibly hard. Relationships and families are difficult to navigate at the best of times.

Is your partner sure she doesn't want another child or is it that she doesn't want to go through all the IUI again? I'm sure you have had open, honest conversations but sometimes I find people don't explain fully how they feel and there is something else at play.

What I find helps is writing a list - pros / cons - what the outcomes would / could be - how you might feel either way.

Also, 42 isn't that old! You still have time if you do decide to go it alone (or not) - we have this self destruct chip built in to us that seems to tell us that once we hit 40, it's all too late - life is over - childbearing years are done - and it's simply not true. Yes it may require intervention but also some people need this in their early 30's. Try not to get to bogged down in your age - maybe make a timeline to make a decision by. I find this helps sometimes because I feel like I have to make the decision right now - but you don't.

I also find sometimes that a few days away on my own might help to clear the mind a bit - it's really hard to think when you've got life going on around you.

Sending lots of love xxx

[HollyT7 in reply to Millbanks]

I agree. We were in our early 30’s having treatment, my auntie was in her 40s and had two natural pregnancies!

[HollyT7]

I don’t think there is any clear advice, others options on how they felt may help though. If my partner had said he didn’t want to try anymore, in particular if he had his own child, that would be a dealbreaker for me, regardless of how much love I had (have) I couldn’t have coped with the grief and the absolute longing to have a baby.

[csec]

Hey Glug82, I want to say that I hear you. I know that longing all too well. I have been incredibly lucky to have my fairytale happening through IVF. I am not here to give you an advice, since the only person that knows all the stories is you. What I want to tell you is from a scientist point of view (that I am and know a bit about it). Age is just a number, an important one, but again, just the number of times the earth has gone around the sun since you were born. What matter is the genetics, your genetics. If you are fit and healthy from a genetic point of view, you have a good chance at making your dream come true. Having that chat in a relationship is not easy, at best of times, but remember that there is only one person that can chose for you, and that's you. The people that love you will be there for you. Trust yourself and don't give up on you. Whatever decision you will take, it will be right one for you. Sending you a big hug and if I may, baby dust (but in a bottle, so you can chose if you want to open and dust yourself with it ). You are a strong!

[Twiglet2]

hi there, this does sound like a really hard position to be in. I think you need to be really clear with your partner that you want to try and have a child of your own and you want to start as soon as possible and that you would love to do it together but would consider doing it alone if she doesn’t want to. This means she can make that clear decision if she wants to be involved again and exactly the way you want to do it. You won’t get nhs funding so it will be self funding and I wouldn’t bother with IUI and would go straight to IVF/ICSI. It’s not too late (I am 42 and trying for a sibling) but it is important to move quickly and start contacting clinics so best to have the discussion soon. If you dont you will likely only grow resent and hurt at your partner (and perhaps even make it more difficult with step son) make a final decision one way or the other together that you are both comfortable with. It can’t just be what she wants or needs for something like this, your feelings are very valid too xx

[Foxglove_daffodil]

Hi there, so sorry you’re struggling with this grief and feeling so sad. I have a similar experience of having been in a relationship with someone who had two kids already but ultimately wasn’t willing to have one with me. It was extremely hard and traumatic to end the relationship because I still very much loved them and the children. But I could not live the rest of my life watching the love between a parent and child, and feeling like I had missed my opportunity to be a mum. That decision is so personal though and only you have the answer to what’s right in your life. Before ending the relationship we also had couples therapy, and individual therapy for each of us. Both were very helpful. Also to add, you may still get NHS funding - in some areas they will offer one round of IVF up to age 43. Whatever you decide, I really hope you have support around you and please know that everything you’re feeling is completely normal. Sending you love and all my good wishes for a resolution which works for you xxx

[HalifaxCalifornia]

Hello Glug82… In 2020 I got pregnant on my own at 42, and had a miscarriage. My husband and I decided visit the local IVF clinic. We had some tests done, and my levels were good. After one round of IVF. Our doctor harvested five eggs and zero fertilized to day 5 embryos . We were then told, I was too old as I would be turning 43,’. My husband and I for our own personal reasons did not want to use donor eggs. And my doctor told me that I would never have a baby or be a mom without them. My Dr kept repeating “you eggs are old you will never be a mother unless you used a younger woman’s eggs.” She told my husband we were completely futile….Lots of tears.

I also became depressed… even stopped hanging around my fantastic friends who had babies and small kids. Isolated myself… stopped looking at social media.. was sick of seeing everyone having babies but me 😩… even went so far as to tell my partner who is amazing… that he could leave me for a younger woman so he would not be deprived of kids… I went very dark … I just kept hearing the Dr and nurses at my first clinic saying how old I was… it was bad …

I gave up all hope… but my husband did not…

Fast forward Two years, and my husband and I moved to Portland in the US. My job had good healthcare,So out of love for my husband … I tried IVF again, knowing my eggs were so old it was pointless.. My new doctor did tests on me, she informed me that if I had come to her at 42-43, I would’ve had babies by now. And now that I was 44 there was only about a 5 to 10% chance of it working. To me it might as well have well been zero%…So I started one IVF cycle. Ended up with 6 embryos, , my dr wanted to grow the embryos until day 3 and implant the 3 best looking ones … so we did , I found out I was pregnant after the first implantation. I have a frozen embryo in the cooler. And the most beautiful Little cherub of a baby boy. He is now 8 months old and the light of my life. FYI I use my own eggs, and found out I was pregnant right before my 45th birthday. Had I stayed with the first clinic / Dr … I would Never had a baby. I think the clinic and Dr is everything…wish you the best of luck. … Ps my child hood playmate who I haven’t seen in forever.. her mother met me at the grocery store and told me 44 year old daughter was expecting this past valentine day … I just sent her a shower gift she also had a perfect little boy. Also know of a loosely connected friend who went through round after round of IVF … little girl at 46!

[nat55zt]

At 42 you can still try your own eggs and later maybe even donor eggs. So it is not to late for you. But it sounds like your relationship is probably coming to an end. The point where you must choose between baby and relationship is the death of the relationship. Even if you choose the relationship now, your resentment will only grow with time. Sounds selfish but you need to think just about yourself right now because the clock is ticking.