Will this treadmill ever stop? BFN feelings...

[Patches86]

The heartache is unbearable. When all your hope comes crashing down into the stark reality that you’re back to nothing. Without a baby, yet again. I wish I could take a sleeping tablet and skip over life until I have a baby in my belly. Such a sad statement for someone who was so blissfully happy with life before TTC, which has so cruelly been ripped away. How to cope with another day of feeling so empty? I just don’t know anymore....

I’m no stranger to the 2ww, BFNs time and time again, an ectopic, tube removed, a miscarriage.... but this time I was holding onto so much hope, as our first IVF cycle. IVF. My lifeline. The help we needed. Now so tainted. Turns out it’s not our saving grace after all. I knew that logically, but it’s all I had to cling to.

I can’t help but think if this didn’t work, is this ever going to work for us?

Whilst I know that everyone here truly understands these hardships, no one can really know your heartache in the moment. As devastating as this is for my husband too, and as much as he is a source of comfort, I’m ultimately sitting alone trying to pull the pieces back together which don’t seem to fit anymore.

How to go on...?

[Hidden]

So sorry to hear you are feeling so sad, its totally understandable given what you have been through. Its always really crushing when the first IVF round fails as you go into it with so much hope and expectation, and it really feels like the fix for everything.

You will feel a little better as time goes on. I always think that the first round your body - and your consultant - are sort of learning what to do and what works for you. So its often very common for it not to work in the first round, but thats not to say it won't in the second. Take some time to grieve for lost hope, and you will find over time you will start to feel stronger again. Hugs xx

[Patches86 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you, Daisy. I can see you’ve also been going through so much. ❤️ I think I just didn’t expect that it wouldn’t work, even though I knew there was that possibility, and it’s hit me hard in the face this morning. What might they do differently in the second round given the first round went smoothly (up until my BFN this morning of course)?

[Hidden]

Your journey sounds like mine!! An ectopic, tubal removal, miscarriage and 4 rounds down the line. I’m broken today too. Sending virtual hugs to you! I’ve been off alcohol for 4 months so I’m definitely buying a bottle of something tonight xxxx

[Patches86 in reply to Hidden]

I’m sorry we are in similar situations - not a place I’d wish on anyone! I’ve been missing coffee and thought that might cheer me up - I ended up in tears on the floor sobbing that I wish I couldn’t drink coffee, it just made me realize the reality even more 😢 maybe an alcoholic drink would be a better idea....!

[Nickon]

So teary post... I am very very sorry to hear about your sad experience and can understand your emotions. You are very brave and imagine how hard all of this for you. I don't know what to say to support you but only the faith may help. Miracles happen.

I know that because a friend of mine has achieved parenthood being infertile. He consulted different clinics, different doctors and nobody could help him (he has no spermatozoa in his sperm). His faith was so strong that helped him not to lose his heart and continued searching the way out. He was lucky to find the doctor who gave him hope. Now he is the father of his own daughter! No egg donors, no sperm donors. He managed to do this! So and you WILL! There are professionals in the world who can really help. Keep searching and keep fighting! God Bless you, hun! All my prayers to you!

[Patches86 in reply to Nickon]

Congratulations on your BFP this morning! And thank you for your response and prayers. It’s times like these when faith can be the only guiding light I guess, it just gets very hard to see amongst the pain. I do believe that miracles happen (and thank you for sharing a story to show that), I’m still waiting for mine