I’m so so sad. I really though that this day would finally be the day of our BFP. I feel like our chances are much slimmer now we’ve not made our first attempt at ivf.
Clinic are suggesting a repeat fresh cycle as the quality of our frozen blasto isn’t great (I didn’t realise till I just got off the phone with them). So looking at setting a date for another fresh cycle - having gotten pretty ill during this one I admit I’m not ecstatic about it but obvs v grateful to have funding for one more.
Any advice with how to cope with the loss? I feel like we’ve lost a baby that we never really had.
Some of my family are telling me that I need to be patient and that it can take time to get pregnant (I sort of know that having been off the pill for about 6yrs), ‘act natural’ - whatever that means when your body is on a massive hormone hangover and get positive about my next cycle. I will get my head around it eventually and pull myself together, we do manage this don’t we? But I’m just grief stricken and shocked by our result.
I’d stopped testing for almost a year before doing ivf (just let AF symptoms tell me) as I found the BFN’s too hard to cope with and gave up thinking we’d ever get pregnant (although we continued trying with good effort - sorry tmi!). I so thought this would be our positive, I really thought I was pregnant.
Would really appreciate any kind thoughts / suggestions to help get through this. Anyone else felt this grief? 😢 Sorry for the pity party
C xxx
Written by
Novice_knitter
To view profiles and participate in discussions please or .
I am so so sorry that it has been a negative. I was truly hoping your would get your positive, I was waiting for your update. Life just isn't fair at times. Take time to be kind yo yourself and recover mentally and physically. It is a loss, don't let anyone make you feel guilty for grieving. Sending you hugs x x x
Thank you Hun, I know, everyone’s been so supportive on here & really appreciate all the support on this first cycle. I think I do need a break, was thinking of delving straight in but I think maybe I need a couple of months to recover and refocus xxx
Take some time out for yourself and your other half to try and get your head around what you've been through. This process is so hard / cruel. I just had a little cry when I saw your update. Speak to your clinic and see how long you would have to wait for next cycle, then decide when is best for you x x
Thank you Hun 😢 will have some pamper time I promise 🙂 really appreciate your kind words. Think we might delay a couple of months, I’m coming up to my MSc deadline - am currently in the middle of a big research project so thinking I might get that more out of the way before restarting. Xx
Sorry to hear your news.. I’m sure most of us on here have felt this grief! It does get easier! You don’t need to rush into the next cycle- take some time to get in the right mindset. Remember the first cycle they learn a lot about how you respond to stimulation etc and they can modify things for the next one which will hopefully work! Right now you just need to look after yourself in whatever way feels right. Big hugs xx
Thank you Hun, will take a bit of time now, wasn’t going to but think this might be for the best. Need to get my head right and take the pressure off. I guess the plus side is that I know what the next cycle will entail physically & mentally which might make it easier to cope with then next time around too! Xx
I am so sorry. Give yourself time to grieve. It is not easy to process everything.
Sending love and strength for the next cycle whenever you are ready.
Hey 👋 I’m sorry 😔 I remember that feeling well from my first transfer. You have so much hope pinned onto it working and when it doesn’t it’s crushing. I’ve had 4 transfers so far, two were bfns, they don’t get any easier. I know it’s an old one but it’s also a true one but it does get easier to deal with every day. Get that follow up appointment booked and ask what happens next, if there’s anything you can do differently this time etc etc. PM Diane, she has a list of questions you can ask.. xx
Thank you - I’ll pm Diane - that’s really helpful. The clinic have actually given feedback this evening from the embryologist & consultant and said that they wouldn’t change anything. They feel the ivf cycle in itself has been successful but that not getting a positive is out of their hands to an extent. not feeling fab about that but I guess it’s true? Xx
I am so sorry to read this I had been waiting for your update and really hoped you'd get your BFP.
As others have said be kind to yourself and take some time just for you and your OH.
My husband and I have talked about the possible outcomes of our cycle and we have said if we get a BFN we are going to book a last minute holiday or break away. Just to have some time to ourselves
Thank you Hun, it took me all day to post, didn’t want to accept this as our reality. Had 3 separate nightmares last night about getting a negative test, was so relieved it wasn’t real each time I woke up, but then I took the test and just couldn’t believe it.
We both have a lot on Work & study wise at the moment so have to crack on with that, but I think I’m going to get focusing on my fitness - am really out of shape after feeling poorly for so long.
Best of luck for your testing hun, will be thinking of you and hope you get a lovely BFP you can share with us xxx
I am actually just so gutted for you. Im sorry you are in the position with work and study too but maybe having a lot on with work will be a bit of a distraction for a while until you're ready to think about your next step.
I hope you can find a little bit of time to relax with OH too and focus on yourselves.
I can only imagine how you're feeling now. Don't be hard on yourself for how you're feeling too, I can imagine it really does feel like a loss. During this ivf stage we treat our bodies as if we are pregnant and in actual fact a lot better than some people who actually are pregnant. So to me anyway its only natural to feel a loss experiencing a Bfn x
Thank you, yeah, the study stuff is a really good distraction so I’ll be ok, will throw myself into that and getting fit & yep - quality time with the DH for sure - he needs spoiling too - he’s been truly amazing today xxx
I’m sorry to hear your sad news hun. It’s awful when it’s negative and you are so sure it was going to be positive. I had the same experience with my first ivf cycle when I was 23 and as all the signs were so positive (perfect embryos etc) I felt like I’d had all the air sucked out of me when it failed. You do go through grief even if your little embryo didn’t take, you still need to grieve for what could have been and what you’ve been through.
Give yourself some time to get yourself back to normality and where you feel mentally strong enough to try again. Family and friends mean well but unfortunately they will never know how mentally and physically draining it is when you have fertility problems and need treatment.
Sending hugs and I hope you are feeling better soon 💕🙏 xX
I had a couple of attempts at frozen embryo transfer but they failed. I’ve just done my 2 ivf cycle last month and was amazed to get a BFP, so we are over the moon. I had my 6 week scan yesterday which was emotional as I’ve never made it to scan stage and everything is looking good so far 🙏. I wish you all the best for when you are ready to give it another go. I’m sure your time will come and it will be all the more amazing for what you’ve had to go through to get there 💕 Xx
Thank you for sharing, that’s wonderful news, it really helps to hear the successes of the group! Massive congratulations on your Scan Hun, I hope things keep moving forwards well for you xxx
Oh I’m so sorry. I can’t even imagine how it feels. My heart does break for you. I haven’t had my first cycle yet..I had to stop due to ohss so I am waiting for a period to be able to resume with a frozen transfer. Got everything crossed for you for second time lucky 🍀 Sending you lots of love 💕
Thank you Kirstyblue, really appreciate it. I’ve been following your progress - was gutted for you when you needed to have a break from it I’m putting myself on a break for now I think - need some time away from it xx
Yeah it’s very draining. Who knows maybe it will even happen naturally for you when you least expect it. Take some time for yourself. We will get there xx
Sorry to hear this. I also had two failed rounds and understand how hard it is. It is good that the clinic have been honest now about your other frozen embryo. Did they not tell you at the time? I'm surprised they froze it if they knew it was declining.
I know people on here have had mixed experiences with Accupuncture, but I feel that Chinese medicine can help prepare the womb so it is not too damp and mucousy and not too dry. At the end of the day, I believe conventional medicine would place less importance on the environment. No-one really knows why our little embies dont implant. I'm sending love.
Thank you Hun - I tried a little acupuncture before having this cycle but I was so tired & overwhelmed that it meant it wasn’t going so well. I think I’ll make an effort to get into it now this cycle is over, and practice working with a normal cycle before supporting ivf with it. Really keen in doing everything I can to optimise implantation next time - appreciate the suggestion xx
It doesn't work for everyone and I know you have to be very careful about taking the medicine when on ivf as the two medicines can interfere with each other, but when I told my Chinese herbalist about the ivf round when my blastocyst didn't implant, she gave me medicine (made in the Netherlands) to help with the blood to the womb. She actually stopped acupuncture soon after transfer and also did special massages to increase blood flow to the womb. I will never know whether this all helped or whether it is just that my chances were higher with donor eggs but I really wish I had found her when I was having treatment with my own eggs. I did go to a different acupuncturist at that time, but I felt no different, so did not give the treatment a real chance. As with so many things, if you do decide to try it, it is important to find someone you have faith in.
Ps - re what you asked about the frostie, it’s a 4CB-, they didn’t tell me at the time. They said they would transfer it but they hope I can get a better harvest with a second cycle xx
I don't really understand the gradings, but one of mine was actually declining so they didn't want to freeze it. If yours was still growing, that's good.
Fair enough, yep - gradings are hard to get my head around - we researched it only after they gave us feedback to try to understand it a bit. Will see what happens next time round xx
I am sorry to hear about it.It sure is difficult to deal with it.But please you need to be positive about the next IVF.I know its not easy.I would recommend you to take care of yourself mentally and physically.Do not make yourself responsible for this loss,as it was not in your hands.Grieving will not solve anything and it will create problems in future.I know what i said is kind of harsh,but that is reality.Best wishes for your future cycle.take care darling.
My counsellor is ok with me giving myself time to grieve, and for anyone else who needs it. Before this cycle I grieved for not being able to have a child through natural means and went on with this cycle really positively once I got through it. I don’t experience long term negative effects of grieving, it actually helps me work through my feelings and get through it ready for the next challenge. I respect that your own experience might be different for you though, but not everyone is the same, take care.
How will grieving cause problems in the future? This lady is entitled to feel whatever emotion comes to her, whether anger, grief, disappointment. Sometimes to be able to move onto new things, you have to take time and accept things that have gone wrong or been lost
You’ve got me right hun, I definitely need time to grieve to help move on. Some of my family are a bit less EQ than me though and just want me to get over it with virtually immediate effect - like today! I just can’t process things that quickly xx
Family / friends / colleagues never tend to say the right thing. Just have to try and ignore them and not snap back, easier said than done! People just feel uncomfortable when others are upset, they don't understand. Hope you take it easy now over the weekend, and don't rush back to work x x
Sorry to read this hunny, you put so much physically and emotionally into a cycle it’s such a blow. Everyone is different but you just need to take the time you need however long that is and probably a good glass of wine or two! Sending much love x x
Thanks Hun, my and my OH are just exhausted right now, lots of hugs and support for each other over the next few days are definitely in order. I wish this journey was easier and we got our successes without quite so much heartache! Xx
Hey dear, hope you are feeling better. This is so devastating. I can feel your pain. It is so unfortunate that you have to face all these unpleasant experiences. I really hope you get a BFP result soon. Please keep trying with all your heart and soul. All my best wishes are with you. Love Xoxo
Thank you for your kind words, won’t give up hun, will get on with the next cycle once ready people being so supportive on here is such a big help 💛 xx
I’m so sorry to hear this Novice_knitter. Give yourself time to come to terms with the outcome. I have no particular advice, I usually find I just want to hole up with my OH and not really talk about it but everyone is different. Be very kind to yourself and your OH. You’ll know when you feel ready to try again and when you are remember that many people on here have had babies and not all of them got pregnant on their first try of ivf. All the best lovely xx
Thank you Hun, really appreciate it. We’ll definitely be giving each other some TLC for the next few weeks and see where we go from here. It’s so helpful to hear people’s positive stories on here, especially when multiple cycles have been had. Xx
Aaw so sorry to hear this hun. I feel devastated for you 😢
Please take some time out, let yourself recover from the stress of it all before putting yourself through a fresh cycle again. Have a relax and recoup and go with your emotions. You sound like a strong couple with plenty of support for each other which is what you need.
My first fresh cycle failed and it wasn’t a very easy time. I took 4 months out from it all.
Hey im so sorry to read you had a bfn and feel so sad as i truly thought you would have a bfp. First off all comes you so look after yourself and take the time out needed to heal yourself and then you can look forward to your next cycle, i wish you all the best xxxxx
I know! I so thought It’d be positive this time so glad to have got through yesterday. Just taking some chill time this weekend and trying to regroup as a couple. Thanks for your support xxxx
I’m sorry about your bfn, this journey can be so cruel sometimes. My first cycle too ended in bfn but I still felt like I had lost a baby, as soon as I had my embryo transfer I felt like it was my baby and for it to end so soon it’s heartbreaking. Only you will know when you’re ready to try again, just take the time to grieve and to heal and prepare yourself mentally. Good luck x
Thank you, that’s exactly how I feel about it. It was such a special day when they put our blasto in, and it was on our anniversary so felt doubly special. Will take a bit of time out for now xxx
I am so sorry to hear your sad news. It is hard. My first round failed and I was so convinced it was going to work that it completely floored me. Personally, I needed to take time off work, do things I enjoyed and look after myself. I cried a lot and I also saw a counsellor which helped me. I also felt similarly that my chances would be reduced but actually the doctors find out a lot from your first cycle and can learn from this to help next time. Sending love and strength xxx
Thanks Hun, I’m hoping to go back to work on Tuesday, need to crack on with my MSc study and have been off with this now for the last 3.5 weeks due to side effects etc.. in a way looking forward to trying to get back to normal but it’s so hard xxx
Hey, BFNs are so hard to deal with! Sorry you’re feeling low, but it’s totally normal. You’ll get through it though - and just remember how incredibly strong you are to even be on this journey in the first place!
Take some time out for yourself, surround yourself with loved ones and then when you’re ready, you can try again.
Thank you so much Caza2009, really appreciate your words. I wish we didn’t have to be such super hero’s to have our own little babies! I so hope I get my BFP one day, so hard to keep faith in the face of disappointment xxx
Hi, so sorry about your bfn, I was were you are in May and it was horrible. Give yourself time to feel down, be kind to each other, do something for just the 2 of you, we went on a short holiday and getting away really helped. I saw a counsellor, and also joined a support group which the counsellor runs. It meets ever 2 weeks and is amazing. Meeting and chatting to other women who all understand all the emotions and feelings has really helped.
I’ve found most friends don’t lnow what to say so most know don’t ask anything, the ones that do I feel like I am stuck feeling the same thing as nothing has really changed. It’s just a bit s**t sometimes.
Thank you for this, a support group might be a good idea. It does help me to connect with other people who are in a similar situation - as generally all my close friends have not had fertility challenges so can’t relate to this side of things (although some of them do a very good job at listening and supporting). It is so annoying when nothing changes over the course of such a long time. Really good idea on the support group thank you xx
My first attempt failed. I cried every day and night for a full month. I had a head ache my every waking moment. I wanted to die. To add to that I was also informed that my eggs were old I needed donor eggs. It was the most stressful time of my life. My work suffered, I stopped eating and I could not sleep. I live in a foreign country by myself so I did not even have anyone to support me at night I was alone. What helped me was talking to my sister theybare are in different parts of the world. I would call them anytime of day and night and they would listen to me. They both offered to donate their eggs. I eventually took one up on her offer as I could not risk to try own eggs and fail again. I would have gone back to try mine again had the donated eggs not worked. I also talked to a few close friends who came to my rescue. They would just come to visit and offer support and encouragement. I am sorry you are going through this. I would not wish this kind of pain and anguish even on my worst enemy. However, please know that this too shall pass. It will work for you one day. And the good thing is that you are getting another try and using your own eggs too. I wish you the best
Thank you Sandra, wow, you were really put through the mill on your first cycle being told that news. Amazing that you have such wonderful sisters to offer you that special gift. How are you getting on now?
I’ll definitely be giving myself a bit of time now. Am so grateful to have another chance 🙏 xx
Firstly, i'm so sorry it was negative. We were told none of our two other 5 day blasts were good enough to freeze and I felt awful knowing we would have to find enough money pay for a new cycle (We only had 1 free cycle) and start from the beginning again. I feel very fortunate we got our BFP on our 1st go. I have seen that it can actually take up to 3 cycles for a success but if I were you I would contact Dianearnold on here to ask for her list of follow up questions so you have a good idea of what to ask. I would reccomend they redo your bloods and ask them to check for antiphospholipids and ask if it's worth giving you aspirin or blood thinners like clexane which is what they have given me and what I really think that helped us. If you're sperm and egg quality were good and your lining was good it may be an implantation issue and you might need to increase your blood flow.
Before you start your next cycle have time for you. Go on holiday or just truly spoil yourself then get back to preparing your body for your next cycle by taking supplements to improve egg and sperm quality. I really hope you get your BFP next time xx
Thanks Hun, that all sounds really good advice - I really appreciate it! The blasto put in was a 5BC and my uterine lining was really thick so think the implantation issue was more likely.
Perhaps improving sperm and egg quality might help improve blasto harvest though? Our frozen blasto is a 4CB- which is why they are suggesting another fresh cycle to improve our frozen blastos reserve (as, if needed, we have 2x frozen transfers funded and Clinic want these to be the best quality possible - understandably!). Do you know what supplements can help? Currently we both take the usual conception support medication, and I take Inofolic additionally for PCOS, as well as Metformin.
I bleed quite easily already and did try a course of aspirin per-ivf which didn’t change anything - except I was covered in bruises), private consultant then advised against aspirin as he felt this would make things worse.
I’ll look up about antiphospholipids - do you know anything about them? Why test for them?
Hi we used some tablets called fertility smart but they're quite expensive- I was pretty much ready to cut off a limb if it would get me pregnant, cost wasn't a factor. This journey sends you crazy! As for antiphospholipids they increase risk of miscarriage as they cause a clotting issue. I have lupus so my bloods are checked regularly but with our issues conceiving they did a full round of extra fertility bloods too as well as looking for other things caused by lupus and sent the results to my gynae. Even though my blood and some of my hormone levels could have caused issues they deemed them as minor and didn't think they caused our infertility which is why we were classes as unexplained. However as these results were in my notes the nhs clinic had put me down for aspirin and clexane xx
Oo and our clinic told us they wouldn't freeze our other blasts as they had a partial c grading and they don't freeze any that are of that grade but obviously if someone had embies that were average but couldn't see a stand out one for a fresh they would transfer for 2 average and hope for the best even if they were a c grading. Our transfer one was a 5ab so was leader of the pack really xx
haha - I'm getting to the limb point! Our inofolic was quite expensive to be fair (can't get through prescription). I'll look into the antiphospholipids for sure. Also if the next one fails to implant, am getting prepared to push for the immune-type investigations - although aware might have to go private for these. Well done on your excellent grade blastos! xx
I’m so sorry Hun. It’s just heart breaking. Take some time. I also thought 1st time would be time. We need to take some time for our body to recover now I think. It really hit me hard when the bleeding started. Day 3 of bleed now and still not feeling any clearer on the situation. I am thinking of you and sending you virtual hugs. Chin up chick. WE CAN DO THIS XX
Thank you Emma, really appreciate it and so sorry that you’re in the same boat. As a quick question - how long did it take for your bleeding to start? I’m not sure when to expect it... xx
Well I stopped the pessaries on Wednesday and it started Thursday evening. Quite light Thursday then heavier. We need to stick together and take on the world next time xx
Hello honey. I am so so sorry it did not work out. I really hope things change. You do NOT deserve this. My prayers are with you. Good luck to you on this journey. I hope you find success, soon.
Hey there Novice, This is really sad. Im so sorry for the negative update. Don't lose hope, just stay patient and calm. I think you need to rest now. And I suggest that you don't rush of another cycle again. Just give yourself some time and recover from the bad experience. I assure you that many of us go through these situations and even worse. But the positive thing is they pull through the situation. So why not you? It's just that you give yourself some time and stay courageous. You have been through the cycle and I guess it's gonna be easier for you in the next cycle as you have experienced everything now. And I assume that the clinic you chose is also a good one and is cooperating with you to every extent. In these situations, clinics sometimes give up on you and take no responsibility. My friend had a different case and she took it to the clinic A****S. She failed IVF like several times but their feedback to it was that the IVF got successful but they couldn't make it positive out of it. Anyways, I expect you not to lose hope at all. Things will fall into place, Don't worry!
Thanks Hun - I really hope so! We’re nhs funded so didn’t really get a choice in the clinic but it seems to have good ratings and I’ve felt looked after by then so far. There was a bit of a hiccup this cycle over whether we had ICSI or not, in that the consultant requested it but embryologist didn’t really get the message clearly & felt we didn’t need it so it didn’t happen - but we have funding for ICSI. Going to therefore try & see the consultant face to face to iron this point out ahead of our next cycle, as maybe ICSI will give more fertilised embryos. Xx
Hi! I am so sorry about this situation. It must be so difficult. It hurts to see people conceiving so effortlessly around you. I think you should stay patient. You have the blessing of your family being so supportive through this. Have you given any other procedures a thought? It's helpful to know there are still many ways you'll get to achieve your family.
There was a bit of confusion between our consultant & embryologist as to whether we have ICSI or not - as we have funding for this. Will dig around as to why it didn’t go ahead this time as maybe that’ll give us more fertilised embies & then more blastos to choose from?
What over procedures are you thinking of? Hopefully we won’t need anything more but always good to be aware of the options! Xx
My first transfer failed and I was devastated and wanted to give up. However, 2 months later I feel much better and am now ready to try again. It will get easier I promise you just need to be kind to yourself and give yourself time to recover and grieve xx
Hey Hannah I totally agree with you on this matter. IVF isn't always successful in everyone's case. It's really heartbreaking that people lose hope in their IVF failure. My friend had faced the same situation where she faced several IVF. I think that this isn't good for the health. One should definitely give it a try again but before that prepare mentally and physically as well.
Aww dear, I know how you must be feeling. Your situation is very delicate. Infertility is very hard to bear. Specially when one puts in this much effort to cure it and still fail to get positive result. it is not only about the physical pain and distress one bears. Its about the mental stress and burden it exerts. As an infertile I can feel your pain. But you gotta be strong dear. You have come this far by trying your best. Dont let this stress consume you at this point. Fight this battle with bravery. Dont loose hope at this point. Stay focused and calm. Just think about the pleasure this treatment can give you as a reward for bearing all this. I really hope and wish that you conceive soon. Good Luck!
Thank you, it’s nice to hear your kind and supportive words. Wish someone could promise me success in the end but I know that’s not possible. Feel like this is spinning the wheel of fortune - can try hard, can get positive & follow all the advice, but that final result is so elusive. I so want to be one of the lucky ones, I wish we all could be. Was feeling better this morning but feeling so sad now, might just be the PNT now talking. Thank you xxx
I am sorry about the BFP, I know BFP's sucks when you are actively trying but it gets worse when you are trying for years!! I have been through it. Mind if I ask what age are you? Because I have been trying for nearly 9 years. It has been a struggling journey. I have a low ovarian reserve that has taken an emotional toll on me. I have tried IVF previously, that happened to be a total disaster for me. I have miscarried three times. And every time it was a major heartbreak that I couldn't deal with. The age factor has hurdled my fertility factor. Therefore, you must consider other options if you are over 35. I am not scaring you, but a friendly advice as I have had my lesson the hard way.
Thanks for this, really appreciate your honesty. I’m 38 now, took us a long time to get to investigations & this ivf cycle. I’ll pm you to ask for further info if that’s ok? Xx
Thank you for being so supportive, definitely won’t give up hope - I promise! Just wish it didn’t hurt so much, will hopefully start feeling better with a bit of time xxx
Thanks, I know, myself and my husband are actively talking about life after ivf if it isn’t successful. I just so want to be a mummy, it’s hard to imagine not having a baby of our own. I feel gratitude that we have this avenue in the first place. I’ll get over it in the end, and as a couple we’ve got a strong love that definitely binds us and we’re in it together whatever happens. Will just need to work out where I put all the extra love I have if I can’t have a baby - I’m fit to burst! X
Hey there Dear. I hope it's all going well. I am really sorry to hear about it. It really hurts to think that a fellow woman has to face it. I have been on this road myself too. However be positive and strong is what everyone will tell you. And that's very true. Dealing with infertility is not really easy. IVF is hard it can take some time. However, I assure you it works. It has done wonders for people. I think you should keep trying. I wish you good luck. Take care and lots of love. A lot of Prayers for you.
Thank you ClayJet - wise words & I’ll definitely take heed. Will have a break, get myself fit and strong again emotionally & physically ready to go into into a second cycle as positively as before (and with a bit of experience which will help too), 🙏 xxx
Hey, honey. I hope you're alright. I'm so sorry, honey. Please don't give up! This is the time to be patient. I can understand its hard to hope again. But the first cycles rarely ever work. Good luck to you! Fingers crossed the next one is successful!
Thank you Hun, I’m trying to reassure myself by looking at the stats. Failure rate is higher than I realised, but definitely not a reason to give up at this point 🙏 will get back on the horse soon I promise xxx
Content on HealthUnlocked does not replace the relationship between you and doctors or other healthcare professionals nor the advice you receive from them.
Never delay seeking advice or dialling emergency services because of something that you have read on HealthUnlocked.
people being so supportive on here is such a big help 💛 xx
Today I'm sad.
How do you ladies cope with two weeks wait!!! 
Natural FET today - anxiety after losses
