Feeling depressed... 😢 BFN 10DPT5DT

[Jessy1280]

Apologies for my constant posts of misery. Feeling pretty depressed and nobody to talk to. My partner has two children already and it causes a lot of friction because he doesn't understand my yearning to be a Mother. He views ivf as exciting, a possibility of being a parent. For me it's the opposite, fear and dread as I'm the one living and breathing it analysing every sign and symptom. The whole process is stressful! I don't really have any other family to talk to and my friends don't understand as they all have children. Feeling pretty isolated.

I wake every morning sick with anxiety. I know again this cycle (as in cycle 1) that it's failed. Waiting til Tuesday just to confirm what I already know is torture. Literally zero symptoms this cycle. No cramping, spotting, my temp isn't raised, my boobs aren't sore. Literally nothing. The fact that covid-19 is delaying treatments is making my anxiety worse. After my mmc in December, I've been off work. I'm due to return 13th April and I'm filled but dread at the prospect of returning. My pregnancy loss counselling hasn't even begun as they've closed the doors due to covid-19. I'm just desperate to get going again with a FET if this current cycle truly has failed. The uncertainty of when that's likely to be is horrible and exasperating everything I'm feeling. I just cry every day.

Not sure how to keep going anymore ... 😢

[Hidden]

Hi Jessy, it's indeed stressful times. So sorry you going through this. Your feelings are normal, we all go through this feeling in this grueling IVF process.

Take deep breaths and think of the positives.

The only way to go is forward. Sending you loads of love and strength to get through this stressful time ❤️

[Milly2408]

Whilst I can't relate to the IVF part just yet, I can relate to the yearning to be a mother part. My partner also has 2 children and it can cause issues because he has a different outlook than I do on children in general. He is already a parent, I'm not...

I feel like it's easier for him because he already has 2 lovely kids with their mother. He doesn't need to worry about the possibility of not being a parent, so I fully understand where you're coming from with your post on that.

Sometimes mine also tries to make me feel better by saying 'but my kids think you're great' as if that is somehow enough and that 'you're a great stepmum to them'. But that doesn't help when all I want is to be a mother myself, since they already have a mother I don't want to tread on her toes kind of thing. I think sometimes they don't understand it because they've not had the situation we have, they are already parents, albeit not with us.

We've now been trying for over a year with no luck so IVF looks like a possibility in the future for us too. Can also fully relate to feeling upset about it all, that's normal so don't beat yourself up about that at all. Sorry to hear about your pregnancy loss too, I don't think anything or anyone can prepare you for the feelings, hurt and upset that causes. Be kind to yourself with that is all I can say...

Lastly, it is so so difficult to think about anything else when all you want is to be a mother, I know that myself. Also, I know a lot of women who didn't have any symptoms and have been pregnant, so don't lose all hope. I hope and pray that you will get good news ❤️

[Hidden]

Oh Jessy, I’m so sorry you feel this way hun. I totally understand ❤️It’s so hard and unfortunately IVF is a process that can be understood only by who is in it. I’ve learnt that now. All my friends have children too, I’m not expecting them to be understanding. My family isn’t understanding either because no one had these issues. It is isolating. But you have US ❤️We are here❤️We listen and we understand, and we FEEL what you feel.

Bad feelings especially. Lots of anxiety.

I’m trying not to think about the future, as it’s in stand by now.

Let’s try to take one day at the time and look after ourselves, we are the most important thing in the world!!! 💋💋💋💋💋sending love 💓

[Core]

So sorry to hear you’re feeling like this. This is such a hard time anyway and then to not know when our next treatment can be makes it even more of an anxious time.

Sadly there’s not a lot I can say except to let you know that we understand on here and are always here for a rant or to share feelings. My husband also has a child and I know that that brings a whole other set of difficulties and emotions to the ivf process xx

[Jessy1280]

Thanks for a your replies. Just took another test 10dpt5dt bfn. I knew it all along. My test day is not til Tuesday but I know it won't change now. Know my body pretty well and I have zero symptoms unlike last time with my bfp. It's a scary time for all of us not knowing when we'll be able to try again. Sooner covid-19 is over, the better in my eyes!!! Xxx

[Hartley1]

Some ppl get no symptoms...dont give up yet... hang in there....just in case it doesn't go the way we want think:

This covid-19 won't be there forever...think of that time to get prepared for the next round...whether it be egg quality eating healthy exercising more and just positive mindset. Take each day as it comes...I pray this'll be your time xxx

[ttcemmie]

Hi Jessy. Sorry it has taken me so long to reply today. Struggling today. This whole process is stressful and awful and upsetting. And isolating (apart from this site etc.). I'm sorry you're going through this and also struggling. We're here for you. Really sending all my love. I don't know how to make this easier for you. I'm sorry. xxxxx

[JoP32]

Hi Jessy.

I’m sorry you’re struggling. This whole process is so tough, and the CV certainly isn’t helping by adding more uncertainty into a process that is full of uncertainty at the best of times.

I just wanted to say that you’re not alone. We understand how you feel and we stand with you.

Sending you lots of hugs xx

[Picalilli99]

Sorry you are having such a difficult time at the moment Jessy. The whole IVF process is gruelling, then all the extra waiting and uncertainty can just feel so overwhelming. And the situation you have described with your partner already having children must make things harder if you age feeling isolated by it all. But we are with you. I know you feel convinced it’s all over, but you aren’t out yet so try to hold in there for a few more days. Often people do not get their BFP’s at this point but still go on to. You’ve got this! Big hugs xxxxx

[Fingerscrossed38]

I have an amazing therapist who specializes in fertility and loss. She does sessions via Skype. She's amazing and has helped me through my last ivf loss. Do you want her details?

[Aquarius24]

Hi Jessy, I’m so sorry that you’re going through this and you’ve been so down lately.

I’ve been where you are emotionally where I’ve cried every day and felt really low and can’t see a way out. All I can recommend is to try to talk to someone. Try Petals - they’re a charity who provide free counselling and I know at the moment they’re doing virtual sessions. Also see what is available in your area via your GP.

I hope you get some help soon and wish you all the very best. I know it doesn’t feel like it now but once you start some counselling that dark cloud will start to lift.

Take care xx