Reaction to bfn - feeling rubbish - Fertility Network UK

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Reaction to bfn - feeling rubbish


Feeling really rubbish after bfn on HPT at 11dp5dt and today (day 12). Got my BETA today. OH had just come off his night shift and was meant to be coming with me but I told him he may as well go to bed since he was asleep on the sofa when I got up and he just said 'ok' and did. I don't really want to be with anyone. He doesn't seem too bothered by the result or to understand the impact on me. Feeling really upset. Sister (whose proven to be fairly insensitive in the past and now lives abroad) yesterday suggested I do positive affirmations next time and then proceeded to tell me in her email about having spent a lovely afternoon with her daughter making chocolate brownies and snuggling watching a show and then having her new friend and her two boys over. Just what I needed to hear! Feel like I need to lock myself off from everyone because no one I know understands. I'm thankful for you ladies who do xx

15 Replies

I'm sorry. I'm not surprised you are feeling rubbish - would be surprised if you weren't. The OHs just don't really get it, do they? They don't have to walk around for the 2WW like we do, conscious of everything going on in our bodies and so unable to switch off even for one second to forget about it all. It seems grossly unfair. And people who haven't been through this (like your sister) also just don't get it. It is such a lonely process. But you aren't alone. It is crappy and you need time to process your loss (which is what a bfn is). So put yourself first and look after yourself. Xx

Thanks London. No it'd be a pretty lonely place without you guys. He doesn't get it and because it's my part of the process that's not worked I feel like I'm the failure, again. I don't think he knows what to say or do. I know I'll feel better soon but it's hit me really hard today. Thanks for your support. I hope all is ok with you xxx

You can't blame yourself - you are not the failure. Sometimes it just doesn't work. I get why you feel that way though - until we found out about my husband's low sperm count and for the 3.5 years we were TTC I was convinced it was my fault - I worked too hard, was too stressed, did too much exercise etc. We always blame ourselves but you just can't (easier said than done, I know). Infertility is a medical issue and this isn't on you. Xx

I'm so sorry FredaFlintstone. That post BFN feeling is just awful. I totally empathise. Know that you are not alone, so many of us have experienced it and can feel that pain like it was today with you. You definitely need to surround yourself with only the kindest and most understanding of people at this time who can help you smile or laugh even if only for just a moment. I'm sure your OH does care but isn't showing it right now. I hope once he's slept you can both support each other and feel closer through sharing the grief of your loss xxx

Thank you both. The temptation is to push everyone away for me but I woke him up and said I wanted him to come and he's now sitting on the bus with me. We talked a bit. Definitely necessary. I do think he doesn't know what to do or say. I need to tell him what I need I think.

I think I was a bit stressed this time around during the 2ww - going to stay with my mum didn't help and so am going to stay home next time. Do normal work routine which isn't stressful, take it easy beyond that and see if that helps. Feeling better after my little rant. Didn't feel like going for the result but hopefully it will at least tell us whether implantation happened or not. Thanks so much ladies you really are fantastic xxxx

So sorry to hear it was a bfn and you're struggling with some other rubbish things that come with that. I've often felt the same, I push people away and just want go hide away (sometimes for a few weeks) which I've never done before but this process does teach you a lot about yourself and is unlike any other life experience.

Your hubby will care I'm sure, they often just don't know what to say or do when faced with our pain and want to be the protector but feel completely useless in this situation. On our 1st round my hubby went back to sleep after we did our test which was negative while I sat in the bath crying..I don't think he realised how distraught I was until I talked to him completely honestly and has since gone out of his way to do the opposite on our subsequent 3 cycles.

I hope you'll be ok..take your time, do nice things together and for yourself and keep talking. Big hugs xx

Thank you Georgina. You certainly do learn a lot about yourself (and others). I'm feeling a lot better now. We went all the way to the clinic and got our Beta result which was as expected. I'm glad we'd tested at home to prepare ourselves. We're ok and have spent the day together doing the normal stuff eg the food shopping. We passed a local Chinese medicine place on our way back so I went to enquire about accupuncture- before I knew it I was having needles stuck in me, laying under a heat lamp and drifting off to sleep. It's so relaxing. We've set the ball rolling for our follow up and will probably go for a FET round with one of our Frosties.

Hubby has said that he's likely to be blubbering before the week is out. He's not slept yet since his night shift so it could be coming soon. We've talked a bit more too and are ok.

Thank you for the hugs - sending the same to you xxx


Hi. Just seen this so ignore my question on my thread.

Im so sorry about your bfn. I don't know much about the ivf process but could the BETA result be different? Is there a chance it's too soon for the hpt to pick anything up?

I'm sure your hubby cares. I think it's really difficult for them to fully understand or talk about it if they're struggling.

We had a chemical in March and my SO only told me last week how much it had upset him that the pregnancy didn't progress.

As for your sister - again it's difficult for anyone to understand unless they've been through it, but a bit of compassion and tact wouldn't go amiss.

Big hug to you xx

Fredaflintstone in reply to Hidden

Thanks Jojo. I know he does, he's just not good at expressing emotions sometimes. We're ok now. He came with me in the end and then we went food shopping. He's now seriously flagging cos he's been up all night after a night shift - poor fella. There could be tears before bed time. We're arranging to see the consultant soon to start thinking about a Fet round - we're very lucky to have that option. As for sis - she's not got much EQ. I'll perhaps stay away from her for a while. Thanks for the hugs and sending the same to you. Hope all is well with you xxx

Hidden in reply to Fredaflintstone

I'm glad you've got good support from your husband. Keeping away from your sister whilst you deal with your grief is a good idea. Wishing you all the best xx

Oh dear, your post actually made me well up! I have a sister that has been very insensitive to me in the past. When I told her a couple of years ago that I was thinking about trying IVF to have a baby she kind of went on a mad rant at me and told me how I would be too old (I am 44 now but was 42 then) and started preaching about how my baby would most likely have 'lots of issues' even mentioned downs to me etc. It actually upset me so much at the time that I delayed doing anything about trying until now. She has 2 lovely children of her own. Please do not blame yourself. You did amazingly well to get to this stage, you are incredible. Put yourself first and do what you need to do, rest, cry, have some chocolate, glass of wine, anything but do not blame yourself. We are all here for you xxx

That sounds awful. My sister was 42 when she had her little one without help so she's not had it easy herself. She's not horrid just doesn't think. Back at work today - two baby announcements and pics in my inbox - a bit difficult but nice to see too. Going to brush ourselves off and try again once we've healed a bit. I think I'll book in with the counsellor for a chat to help process it all too. Thanks for your support. Xx

If positive affirmations worked or even just positive thinking then we'd all have babies by now (not that either of these will hurt to try). I'm sorry that people can be so insensitive, it's even worse when it's friends or family. I'm sorry to hear of your bfn. It truly sucks. I hope you have a new plan in place soon xx

Hey hun, just wanted you to know that I am still thinking of you xxx

Ah thank you Blue! I'm doing ok, a lot better today after a hard weekend. Today I feel a lot more positive again and looking forward to trying again after our little break at the end of July. Had an acupuncture session today which was very relaxing and booked in for counselling on Weds, then our follow up is a week today. Started doing a bit of meditation too so hopefully that should all help. How are you doing - are you feeling any better? Still on cloud 9 I expect after your Bfp. Thanks for asking xxxx

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