4th fresh round 4th BFN, what a year!

[Shirazlover2013]

Hi guys, I know there’s been loads of BFNs lately and unfortunately I’m adding to the pile on! I’m at a total loss of what to do with myself!! Apologies but this post has turned into a loooooong one 😬 We had our 4th BFN this week from our 4th fresh cycle this year. I’m in a bit of shock to be honest, had our best blast ever this time (a hatching 5bb). But if you have a look at my profile for some back history you’ll see we’re really struggling to get quality embryos and have never had anything to freeze from any of our cycles 😭.

So what do we do 🤷‍♀️ ??? We’re both 38 (I turn 39 week after next yay 😒), take loads of supplements incl fertilix for OH and 300mg ubiquinol for me, don’t smoke, drink minimally and only outside of ivf cycle time, balanced diets. I’ve had the usual basic tests, tubes clear, good AMH for my age, progesterone levels on 4th cycle checked and were good. OH has history of terrible morphology and worst grading varicocele, but antibiotics and lifestyle changes have improved results and dna frag test was just within normal range (our 4th round was IMSI and they said he had mostly grade 1 swimmers). Should we get a 2nd opinion on his varicocele? Or is it back to testing me? What tests are worth investing in?

Each cycle we’ve changed something hoping to get a better outcome, but we don’t seem to have quantity or quality in our favour. Inexplicably and by some miracle of nature we have a naturally conceived 4y/o son, I’m just not sure he’ll ever have a sibling 😩 It’s so draining, emotionally both myself and OH are just so fed up, and financially we’ve sunk a lot of money into treatment with nothing to show for it. But the thought of giving up physically pains me, so I’m not ready to throw in the towel.

I just don’t know what to do with myself. I’m usually someone who has a plan and used to be able to deal with setbacks. But these last few years have been horrendous, my resilience is now so low and I’m so fragile emotionally. I’ve put on weight and feel weak as I’m not exercising much any more beyond lots of walking. I don’t recognise myself when I look in the mirror. I feel like I’m in a constant state of grief, just getting punched back and forth by setbacks and unpleasant surprises. Does anyone else feel like this?

[Hidden]

I totally get where you are coming from, after my chemical pregnancy a few weeks ago my doctor signed me off from work, I did go back in a couple of days after the result but my head and heart were all over the place so I spoke to a counselor through work and then went to see my GP, I'm back in on Monday and although I still feel incredibly sad and at a loss I do feel stronger,I think I just needed some time out as it's been a very tough 2 years and think it finally all got on top of me, don't beat yourself up going through IVF is one of the toughest things you can go through, emotionally, physically and financially and it's so hard not being in control and not having the answers. I'm afraid I can't give you any advice on your situation because mine is different to yours as I was told after my first cycle that I would only get pregnant using donor eggs but as you know it's been a battle with that also but I just wanted to say your not alone and you are so strong and it's natural to feel how you do. Hopefully some of the other ladies will be able to give you some advise on what questions to ask xx

[Shirazlover2013 in reply to Hidden]

Thanks Claire, I’m so sorry about your recent chemical and everything you’ve been through to get to this point. Taking time out from work is something I’ve been seriously considering myself too, I’m using the rest of this years holiday allowance to take Fridays off in Nov & Dec which I’m really enjoying. I hope your return to work tomorrow is ok xx

[Hidden in reply to Shirazlover2013]

That's good that you are able to have short weeks leading up to Dec,it does make a big difference.

Work was awful I had a meeting which would have been fine but during my return to work prior to that my Manager asked if I could join a call with my colleague,on loud speaker and she announced she was pregnant, bless her she was so nervous telling me and started crying and I just had to leave the room because I started crying and then felt awful for the rest of the day so not a good start back but luckily I'm working from home the majority of the time xx

[Lowamh in reply to Hidden]

That’s not the best way to have told you, sorry Claire. I know people don’t know how to let you know but I always appreciated a message or email rather than face to face or on the phone x

[Hidden in reply to Lowamh]

To be honest they were both very nervous about telling me and my other colleague who I am close to advised her that face to face or a call would be best for me (she had an ectopic a number of years ago which was awful but now she thinks she knows how I would deal with things) but I would have preferred a message as you say, it's the way my sis in law shared her news with me x

[Shirazlover2013 in reply to Hidden]

Oh gosh that’s exactly what you don’t need on your return to work!! Honestly could they not have waited a week. And yes I agree a message in a quiet time is much preferable to face to face or over the phone. Those without infertility seem to think the “honest” and “I’m here for you” approach is best but they don’t know what it’s like to be on this side 🤦🏼‍♀️ how are you now about it all after the shock wears off?

[Hidden in reply to Shirazlover2013]

I'm not too bad today, I know they have my best interest at heart just think that they didn't know how to best deal with it,it can be frustrating though when people who haven't been through it tell you how your are going to be feeling x

[Cinderella5 in reply to Hidden]

Awww Claire, what a flipping nightmare! That's hellish, Im sorry you had to go through this!xx

[Hidden in reply to Cinderella5]

Hello lovely,it was completely out of the blue especially as she hadn't been planning a baby but we've had communications since and I said to her not to take offence if I don't ask her any questions as it's my coping mechanism and she said she would take my lead and that she understood. I took the plunge on Thursday to meet my new nephew, went better than I thought and my sis in law was very emotional when she saw me and said how much she'd missed me but totally understood my absence.

How are you doing? Xxx

[Cinderella5 in reply to Hidden]

Just the worst time to get hit with pregnancy news , your first day back. Its good that she will let you lead on things so you can take things at your own pace. Awww well done you Claire, Im so chuffed for you. I know how hard that must have been for you to meet the new family member but its done now and you need to give yourself a huge pat on the back!

Im ok thanks. We're all booked for biopsy end of next week so will see how that goes. I was looking forward to being drug free but not to be just yet!! Quite looking forward to our wee jolly to London even if it is to get me bits out for yet another person!! Ha ha haxxx

[Hidden in reply to Cinderella5]

When will you finish taking the drugs? Have you got a date in mind to go back to Athens or are you waiting to see what the results say? It will be nice to go to London, especially if you can get to Winter Wonderland 😉 haha getting your bits out doesn't phase you anymore does it!! Xxx

[Cinderella5 in reply to Hidden]

Im on the drugs until biopsy....its basically like an FET right up until transfer but I get a biopsy instead. We are hoping to go back out end of Jan, beg Feb but yes it will depend on biopsy and hubby having a repeat SA test on Friday this week so a lot will hinge on that too. Yes, defo dragging hubby to Winter Wonderland.....its go to be done! No get my bits out is strangely pretty normal these days! Ha ha haxx

[Picalilli99]

I’m so sorry to hear about your BFN. I was really hoping that this would finally be your time. I’m afraid I can’t really offer any advice but just wanted to say you are certainly not alone. I can really relate to so much of what you have said. I’ve been really struggling to pick myself back up after our last BFN (our 5th consecutive) and also feeling at a loss in terms of what to do next. Also a keen problem-solver who likes having a plan! I hope that in time you find your way forward (either with help from the lovely knowledgeable ladies on here or from guidance from your clinic). But in the meantime, take care of yourself. lovely. You may feel fragile, that’s totally understandable after all those setbacks, but you are so strong! Sending big hugs at this shitty time xxxx

[Shirazlover2013 in reply to Picalilli99]

Hi piccalilli, I can’t believe how many BFNs we have between us 🤦🏼‍♀️ I was so upset for you when you posted about your recent one. It’s just not fair. Have you had a follow up with the clinic yet? I’ll try and book mine for before Christmas so we can have some thinking time over the break. Stay in touch, I’m really interested to see what tweaks and changes they suggest for you. Hope you’re doing ok xx

[Picalilli99 in reply to Shirazlover2013]

Thanks lovely. How are you feeling? I hope you are doing ok? Yes we’ve had our follow up. We’d paid for a 2 cycle package with access so still got one remaining. But after another round resulting in very poor quality embryos we both agreed we couldn’t really justify just repeating the same again. After a lot of consideration we decided to ask at the meeting if we could put the remaining funding towards a DE cycle, but unfortunately they said no! So that was a bit weird as I’d kind of psyched myself up to it. So plan B. The consultant thinks it is worth us using our final round and trying ICSI & AOA, suggesting that in some cases AOA seems to have resulted in improved embryo development (ours tend to stop developing properly at around day 3). So we are going to give it one last shot with my own eggs. But first we are having Christmas off to chill out, because that latest round (followed swiftly by 3 of my closest friends giving birth within the space of 3 weeks) absolutely broke me!! So it will prob be late Jan/early Feb if all goes to plan. Hopefully by then I’ll be back fighting!! xxx

[Sarah83ap]

Sorry to hear you have a BFN.

I can totally relate to how you’re feeling. We’ve had the same issue with embryos. We have 1/2 good really good grades that we put back (2 fresh cycles) and then nothing to freeze and all failed.

I recently had the blood tests for NK cells and that came back fairly high and can cause implantation failure. Have you been tested for them? It’s another expense but might help you?

I’m also trying to stick to the fertility diet. Although will do it religiously after Xmas. Heard mixed reviews on diets but at the stage where anything is worth a shot.

I know what you mean by being the person who has a plan and can cope when you have your ducks in a row. I’m exactly like that. But it’s hard when the plans and funds start to run out!

Hope you begin to feel better hun xx

[Flora14 in reply to Sarah83ap]

How can you get tested for killer cells?how much is this?thanks

[Shirazlover2013]

Thanks Sarah, I haven’t had the NK cells test yet so it’s something I need to consider. I’ve had a read back through your posts, when will you have your next try? I hope the changes you’ve made to diet etc prove fruitful for you! I’m rubbish with willpower and food, I have a serious sweet tooth and after all the pressures of ivf cycles there’s not many treats one can give oneself so I indulge!! But I understand the thought that when you’re on the fringes of fertility any marginal gains might just tip the balance in your favour and you have to give everything a try. Wishing you all the best for your next round xx

[Cinderella5]

Well I can completely relate to your post, could have written the end part myself! Im feeling much the same as you, I feel like Ive lost control of almost everything. Ive put on weight, hate myself in the mirror, Im fed up of everything and unsure of where my life is going and i cant seem to muster the energy to get myself back in shape either! Phew, and I feel like such a moan! Im unsure as to what to advise for a way forward for you guys. Have the clinic suggested a way forward that might give an indication of whether they feel egg or sperm is the issue or both? I was 39 when we moved to DE and we havent exactly had much luck although I seem to be one of the minority. Its really hard to know what to do. We said our last round would be our last but now swaying to do a very last one....yep, we're caving! Its cost us an arm and a leg but we're just not ready to throw the towel in just yet. Im planning to have the ERA/ALICE/EMMA test which doesnt come cheap but its the only thing that we have left short of moving to DS as well as DE and I dont think hubby is up for that. Im just really pissed off with the whole thing to be honest but cant seem to walk away!! I guess I dont have any advice but you're defo not alone!!xx

[Shirazlover2013 in reply to Cinderella5]

Hi cinders, thanks for sharing your experience, I hate that you’re going through this but comforted that I have company if that makes sense. My hubby is trying to get fit and I know he’s frustrated with my lack of enthusiasm for exercise as he knows it will make me feel better. Something has to give, I’ve just got to figure out what exactly. It’s silly that the one thing I can control I.e. my exercise and diet is the thing I am so unenthusiastic about 🤦🏼‍♀️. We haven’t had our follow up with the clinic yet, hopefully I can get an appointment pre Christmas.

How are you doing at the moment? I understand how hard it is to even consider calling it a day, I always think of the sunk cost fallacy, but infertility is emotional and where else would you go into a casino and put £8k down on a roulette table??? Only in an ivf clinic.

I follow your posts and I know that when you eventually announce the arrival of a child into your family this network is going to go so crazy you’ll be able to hear it on the moon!! Such is the love here for you. Xx

[Cinderella5 in reply to Shirazlover2013]

Im doing ok! I am not a gambling person at all but with this I just cant let go.....I dont often play games that I cant win and would never go to casino and chuck money away yet I cant seem to stop! Ha ha ha

I always think its nice to get things tied up after a cycle so hopefully you can get seen before Christmas time.

Awww thank you! Im rooting fo you too, like I say some of us have been on here far too long and would love to see some names disappear along with mine from here being a regular.....we can only hope!xx

[AS100]

Hey I wish I had a good answer / tip / something magical to contribute but unfortunately I don’t 🙁 But just wanted to say you’re not alone, everything you’ve said really resonated with me. We’ve had 3 fresh icsi rounds, 4BFNs (after 3 iui) and I’m just about to start icsi round 4 🤦‍♀️ Think after that it might be it 😨 massive hugs xxxx

[sadievalentie]

Hi there! How are you now? I hope you are doing better. You need to calm down girl. What if it failed this time? Try next year again. Don't let these failed attempts stop you from trying. It took me 10 years to become a mother. If i acted like you are acting right now, i would have never made it work. First of all, work on your mental health. It's as much important as physical health in this journey. It's the will power that makes you strong. I hope things get better for you. Stay blessed. Good luck next time. Take care. Bye!

[Alyssa123]

Hi! I hope you are doing well now. I can understand what you are going through. We think that everything is in our control. But it's not. You need to relax and focus on yourself for now. You need to recover mentally and physically. When you think that your body and mind, both are ready for this. Only then take the next step. And please opt for a different clinic this time. Changing clinics during my journey changed everything for me. So I hope this helps you. Good luck. Stay blessed. Take care. Bye!

[LorrieWalden]

Hi, hon! How are you now? I am really sorry for your failed attempts. It's hard to keep trying after so many failed attempts. But you have to think about the baby you are doing this for. You have to think that the blessing you will get after all this struggle is worth it. So calm down and rest. When your body and mind are back to normal, start again. You can even change your clinic, maybe it will help you. I will pray for you. My blessings are with you. Take good care of yourself. Best of Luck. Goodbye!