First comes miscarriage, then comes marriage

[Kathryn1984]

Hello everyone,

I got engaged jan 17. We were super exited about getting married and starting a family. I bought the magazines, had a Pinterest board and a series link for don’t tell the bride. Then in April 18 we lost our angel at 10 weeks. Ever since, the excitement to get married has gone. Straight away after the miscarriage, it wasn’t even in my mind. I have majorly grieved for over a year, and probably suffered from depression as a result. I’ve faced it head on and gone to counselling, gone on anti depressants, changed my job, gone part time. I’ve felt like I’ve been banging my head against a brick wall. They tell you to find help if you feel depressed; I’ve exhausted every avenue, and I still feel sad. Sad in the way that I can’t bring myself to book our wedding, because I know I won’t find the day the happiest day of my life.

I feel like the miscarriage has took the joy out of everything. I should be exited about marrying my wonderful fiancé, but I’m not. We love each other dearly, and we both want to marry each other. But we’re both a bit 😐 about the whole thing.

It’s been a year and a half since the miscarriage and I’m still heartbroken. My friend who went through a similar thing told me my heart would heal when I had a rainbow baby. But that’s not happened yet, and as the years tick on I’m not sure it ever will.

Hope has gone. And the joy of life has gone. I know that medically at 35, hope has not gone. But my own personal hope has gone. My fiancé told me recently that his Hope was gone too, and that he was trying to mentally move on from it all. We don’t really try anymore. I don’t chart or anything like that. We’ve had all the tests, and have a consultant appointment on the 12th November to discuss next steps. It’ll probably be ivf because my blood tests were all fine, and they showed I’m ovulating. But we aren’t expecting anything to come of it. We’ve given up hope.

Infertility has already took up 3 years of our lives. Years that should be our happiest. I know compared to some of you that isn’t much, but I’m not as strong or positive. I’m really really struggling to find any hope, or joy, or happiness in life at the moment.

I don’t know what to do. And I don’t think there’s anything or anyone that can help me.

I went on holiday for a week and it was alright 😐. I spent the week noticing pregnant women on the beach, having a baby moon. I actually came away thinking that I don’t deserve to have a baby because I’m so negative, and that wouldn’t be fair to the baby.

My career’s gone. Because I couldn’t cope. My body has gone to ****, because the only comfort I get is from food and sleep.

I’ve even asked my doctor for electric shock therapy! Because my depression is clearly not responding to medications or counselling. He said they don’t offer that. And instead put me in a year long waiting list for counselling I have already tried.

I know no one can suggest anything I’ve not already tried. But I’m so desperate to feel happy and exited again.

I’m still fighting on, getting up everyday, going to work, but it’s so hard when Hope feels lost. I’m in such awe of you all that stay positive. X

[MissSaoPaulo]

Oh sweetheart, I just want to give you a big hug xxx

[Solly-44]

Oh Kathryn,

I don’t feel like I have the right words, but I’m so so sorry for the loss of your little one, and I didn’t want to read your post and not try. I’ve not experienced a loss so can only begin to imagine your pain.

You’re grieving, and although we’d love to, you can’t put a time frame on that. You’ve been through so much so try not to give yourself a hard time about the time it will take for you to heal.

In terms of your depression, have you tried different medication? A different counsellor maybe? It took me a few attempts to find a drug that I could tolerate and that helped, and when I did it was a life saver. I tried counselling but just didn’t gel with the person offering it so I’m booking in to see someone else next week. Tiny steps, it sounds like you’re doing everything you can which shows you’re stronger than you feel right now.

I’m sorry you’re going through such a tough time, sending hugs. You will find yourself again xx

[Debrakay1704]

Sending you lots of love Kathryn, try to take each day at a time and talk to people including your partner, maybe trying again may help and small little changes each day. Hypnotherapy really helped me. Xx

[Picalilli99]

Kathryn I’m so sorry that you are feeling so bad. It’s difficult to now what to say but please know that you are not alone. I agree with Solly in that there is just no set time-frame for grieving. So please try not to put too much pressure on to yourself with regards to when you should be “ok”.

I just wanted to say that you have clearly been trying to find ways to feel better which in itself takes a huge amount of effort and courage when feeling so low (so I think you should be proud of that). I really believe that you will get there lovely so keep going.

Everyone is so different so it is about giving yourself the time and space to heal and finding what works for you. I agree perhaps speaking to your GP about trying alternative medication and finding a counsellor that’s the right fit for you are really important. Also I found a particular book really helpful: ‘conquering infertility’ (by a psychologist called Alice Domar) and also found regular meditation/mindfulness (such as ‘Headspace’ or ‘Mindful IVF’ app) really helped me with my negative thinking. Not straight away, it took quite a long time for me but over time I started to feel better and more hopeful again. Try to be kind to yourself if you can. Sending love and hugs xxxc

[Dreamingofbaby]

Sending u big hugs. Sorry things are so tough. Really hope bit by bit things will start to ease and ur hope returns 🤞. Ok and understandable why u feel the way u do. Take good care of u xxx

[Hidden]

I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling desperate and that there's no point to life and it's normal to feel like that after everything you have been through as its always the way that everything goes wrong at the same time and that must have been a right blow having the miscarriage as its cruel when one minute you are pregnant and the next its all snatched away as shattered dreams really hurt!

The Nhs aren't exactly efficient when it comes to counselling are they but I found the Samaritans were very helpful when I rang them when I felt desperate as you can say anything you want to them and nothing's too trivial for them.

No just because you felt negative on the beach doesn't mean you don't deserve a baby it's the depression talking as what you have been through is all so bloody unfair.

It's understandable you are still heartbroken after that miscarriage and it sounds like you haven't grieved fully for what you lost out on and no you won't get over it but over time you do accept things and it gets easier as I find time helps with most things. What helped me was to take time for myself put on sad music and have a good old cry or whatever else I felt and I felt better afterwards.

Something I found helpful was about setting myself small challenges after I was devastated and building up after I had seen the small ones through which is something to think about but feel free to ignore it if you want.

I was sorry when I heard your career has gone as I find myself everything comes in the same blow and perhaps you could set small goals there and work up and please book your wedding as it will be nice for you to have something to look forward to and plan for.

All the best to you.

[Rainbowhope]

I relate to your feelings. I feel so negative about everything in life too. Find it hard to find joy in anything. I have also felt that I am not pregnant because I am too negative and don't deserve a baby. I just feel completely broken and sometimes getting through the rest of my life feels challenging. I have no real words of wisdom but wanted you to know you're not alone.

[Hidden in reply to Rainbowhope]

That's it though when you want something so badly it eats away at you.

[Coral86 in reply to Hidden]

God it really does xx

[Hidden in reply to Coral86]

I have been through that many times myself wanting things so badly and having to wait and over time I found it really really eats away at me and consumes me and makes me behave in an irrational way.

[Coral86 in reply to Hidden]

Omg this sounds exactly how I have been feeling too !!

[Hidden in reply to Coral86]

It's nice to know that I can be of help and it's nice to know it's not just me that goes through those feelings.

I get a burning feeling physically with those things when I really want them and can't have them for an age and I feel like its not fair!

Once I had my yearly appraisal at work and had said how I wanted to do some additional courses and was told no as they supposedly weren't relevant to my current job. I had felt like stamping my feet and shouting thats not f ing fair and how I don't want to be at that f ing job until I retire! I didn't though and had ended up in tears after that in pure frustration and incidents like that eat at me due to the unfairness of it all and one of my friends said its nothing to do with not doing the courses in itself that upsets you. It's the fact that it's unfair which was right.

Is it the fact that it all seems so unfair that eats at you as well?

[Coral86 in reply to Hidden]

Ahhh def is ahh that’s terrible your work should only want you to do better ! Xx

[Hidden in reply to Coral86]

I did end up doing those courses quite recently that they said no to and paid for them myself and really enjoyed them.

They had also told me no to doing a taster program there which is doing work experience in different depts which had upset me not because of not doing that in itself no because they were unfair over it which is what had upset me.

I ended up telling them to forget about that and now I look back and feel they accidentally did me a favour when they did that as why exactly would I want to see their different departments when I have grown to really dislike them due to incidents like that so I should thank them for that but point it it was unfair though saying things are available when no they aren't!

[Coral86]

Ahh this made me want to cry !! I do know how u feel u feel like giving up I been through similar to you !! I been told only 25% chance il be able to get pregnant with ivf and it’s so frustrating and like you it has taken over our life’s for few years too I think the only thing that keeps me going is focusing on my next round hang on in there xxx

[Coral86]

You should def book your wedding and focus on that to keep ur mind busy !! Something nice to look forward too ! We are waiting to get a new kitchen and have found that’s keeping us preoccupied and have also planned a night away xx

[Rella22]

Hi Kathryn,

I’m so sorry for your loss and want to give you a massifs hug. Grief is such a difficult thing to process and each person experiences for a different length of time.

I know you’ve tried various options to cope and I believe counseling is a great way of getting out this emotions and feelings. Have you tried meditation and yoga?

I’m reading “it starts with the egg” book and find some of the suggestions for food and health supportive.

Private message me anytime and we can chat. Sometimes it helps talking to people who have or are experiencing similar situations.

Hang in there and please keep fighting towards getting that rainbow baby.

It’s not easy, trust me this road has truly tested every aspect of my life. We gotta keep our dreams alive ❤️

[Hidden in reply to Rella22]

I do yoga and meditation and find it very helpful and listening to music helps as well.

[Kathryn1984]

Thank you everyone,

I’ve just been having a low week/month. It’s so hard to carry on with hope. I’m a negative person, so it’s very difficult for me to be positive. Sometimes I try and pretend, but it never truly sinks in. When I see people on here being positive, I am I’m awe of them. My parents said they would help pay for private counselling, so I’m looking into that. I’ve been on sirtraline and citilopram on and off for 10 years. As far as I am aware, other types of anti depressants or anti psychotics aren’t safe for ttc, so I don’t think medication is an option for me. But thank you all for your replies. I don’t want to bring anyone down.

[Hidden]

Hi Kathryn, I wanted to reach out because I was so touched by your post. I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby. It's such a cruel, undeserved twist in our lives, and has such an impact on everything, doesn't it? I completely relate to that feeling of being robbed not just of your chance to be a mum, but robbed of the ability to be happy and to celebrate anything. I hope so very much that you rediscover the excitement for your wedding, however long it takes you to get to that point. I don't know if this will help at all, and I'm certainly not going to suggest that this will draw a line under your suffering, but I've found the charity 'Saying Goodbye' incredibly helpful in dealing with my losses. Sadly in my case, I found the support offered by the Nhs in my local area was deeply unhelpful and quite insensitive so I had to look for other services.

Writing this post must have been very painful for you, and I think it was really brave to be so honest about how you feel. Sending you loads of love xxx

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

The health service aren't the most sensitive of places to go to when you feel upset are they?

Yes I feel writing how the op felt online was a big step for her and very brave as well as there's probably plenty of others suffering in silence who it has helped as well knowing they are far from alone.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Yes exactly, I think you're very lucky if you get a healthcare professional who really understands the long-lasting trauma of infertility and miscarriage. Sadly, I think the training they receive on the issue is often quite out of date.

You're absolutely right that anyone who speaks out about this is helping the many people who suffer this alone and without any support.

[PurpleLove19]

I am very sorry to hear about your miscarriage and sorry to hear you aren’t excited about your wedding. My husband and I were trying for a year when we got engaged and we just planned it and did it in 6 months as we knew deep down we would need ivf. It’s been a year since we finally found out we need IVF and haven’t even started yet. If you look through my posts then you will see the hurtful journey we have been on and are now in a worse place. I have depression and anxiety and currently off work for the 3rd time in a year.

I’m worrying about my absence but it’s because of my employer not being compassionate that I’m in this state. I’ve had a few happy memories this year but as soon as they are over I’m in my dark place not wanting to get out of bed and do anything or see anyone. Everywhere you look there’s pregnant women, prams, children and we are just still fighting to be happy like everyone else. Read through my posts and it may help x

[Hidden in reply to PurpleLove19]

It's really unfair isn't it when you really want something and it feels like its shoved in your face at every turn just to upset you!

[Hidden]

My advice and after my experiences is go for IVF asap, this is obviously controlling your life and I know that feeling all too well, I felt exactly the same, felt life was pointless and struggled badly, I haven't worked in years and I had a career I studied 5+ years for, I didn't enjoy anything even food became an obsession, thinking I'm spoiling my chances if I have some treats, the whole thing nearly ended my marriage too, I started to think maybe we shouldn't be together if we can't have a child and was associating the pain of child loss and infertility with my partner and the relationship. It was what was on my mind from the moment I got up and until I went to sleep. We put our life on hold completely we haven't been on holidays or spent anything on luxuries at all and are only just recovering financially and emotionally now. We definitely put our life on hold and after people telling me to be patient and it will take time I had a blocked tube and so waiting was absolutely pointless, we had IVF and have a son now- my only regret is not listening to the standard advice and should have gone for IVF sooner. The pain from a misscarriage never goes away(well it hasn't for me) even after having my son and going through everything I still am affected, that baby was very much wanted, it does get better though and you learn to accept it, so don't beat yourself up about that, and If you want something this badly focus on that, wedding and holidays have to go at end of the list hun! You won't regret that after having your baby, and those can come after. This is your journey to your child and believe me if you don't have any issues you will get your baby. NEVER GIVE UP HOPE!!!!! Please message me if you need anyone to talk to ♥️♥️♥️♥️ ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️Xxxxxxxxxx

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

That's the whole point even after you have had a baby after miscarriage you won't forget the one that died.

[Hope4040]

This resonates so much with me. I’m sorry your feeling like this too.

I’ve had 2 miscarriages this year. Spaced 2 months apart. One at 8 weeks and the other was a chemical pregnancy.

In between all that my partner proposed and he’s upset because he thought it would make me happy but the happiness lasted all of 2 days and the rest has just been consumed with grief.

Half the time I can’t even face waking up in the morning and I just have tears rolling down my face.

I’ve recently joined this group as I needed to be able to connect with others going through a similar journey. It definitely helps!

I’m turning 40 next year and so desperately want a child and I’m not ready to give up hope. We’re looking to start private treatment in Prague. I just need to work on myself both physically and mentally to make sure I give myself the best chance.

I’m here anytime you need to chat. Just send me a PM xxx

[Hidden in reply to Hope4040]

It's so bloody unfair isn't it and frustrating as there's nothing you can do about it!