Infertility is so so hard

[Kathryn1984]

Hi everyone,

I’ve not posted in a long time. After loosing my precious baby last April we still haven’t conceived.

Things in my life have changed a lot since i miscarried. I have a new job, working for a Hospice that offers palative care. It is very rewarding work, that has given me some point in living without a baby.

The grief is still very hard, but I’m trying very very hard to carry on living. I still have moments when I cry and I’m angry, and I feel alone, like the only 35 year old woman in the world without kids. It didn’t help everyone in my new job asking if I had children!

It has also been tough on my relationship. My fiancé has got depressed because he says he is sick of my misery. I know this sounds selfish of him, but it must be hard constantly trying to comfort me when I’m hurting. I try to cry in private, I know that sounds silly, but I’m at that point where I don’t want my miscarriage to ruin my life. I’ve done counselling and seen my GP and everything, but nothing really helped, other than accepting I’ll always have this grief and hurt, and that I’ll just have to keep busy to avoid thinking about it.

We’re still trying, and I’ve made an appointment with my GP but I’ve given up hope to be honest. The thought of IVF terrifies me. Because it’s like pining all my hopes, dreams and life, on something that has a slim chance of working.

I don’t know how you strong ladies do it, again and again.

I think I just wanted to post because I’ve been feeling extra lonely recently, and old, and a poor excuse for a woman. Which I would never think of anyone else, but I think it of me, I know, I’m silly.

Any advice on how to feel a bit more positive and happy would gladly be appreciated. Even though, I’ve probably given up on that too. The only things that really help at the moment are distraction techniques, which I’m worried is not a ‘healthy’ way of dealing with grief, but it’s the only thing I’ve done that helps. I’ve beem crying, and talking, and going to counselling, and taking anti depressants for 11 months now, and it’s not helped. And to be fair, I don’t think I’m depressed, I lost my baby! Isn’t it normal to feel sad!

Thank you all, 😃

[CassieJ]

Hi Kathryn,

I relate to a lot of what you shared. It is similar to some things I went through last year. I think distraction isn’t a bad thing if you are also honouring how you feel by crying and going to therapy too. In my experience processing grief always requires some element of distraction from the pain/respite. Only things that helped me stay me we’re allowing myself to cry and doing very distracting things such as quite intense work or intense creative activities / treats (not the standard bubble bath etc. But a favourite artist exhibition or very very fancy meal etc.)

Also relate to your fear about IVF. Just keep going and I hope you can recognise that what you’re feeling is totally reasonable and understandable, as my friend said it’s so painful because you so sincerely want to have a child. Sometimes the process just sucks and is so painful,

CX

[WaltzingWonder]

It's absolutely bollocks really isn't it, infertility? We're so socially engineered to believe that girls grow up to be Mums and sadly, the truth is, lots of us have a long journey getting there and it's really shitty and there's nothing you can do about it which makes you feel even worse.

But Kathryn: you, with your marriage and your family and your job and the wonderful things about you that bring smiles and joy and comfort to other people are far from a poor excuse for a female. In fact, sounds to me like you're a pretty awesome example of one. I realise that is hard to convince yourself of on the dark days, but maybe the more you remind yourself of this, the more it will sink in.

I've no idea if any of us are 'coping' really. Distraction is my main tactic but like you I do still cry and journal or talk it out sometimes. Music helps me: I have a 'get your shit together' playlist and love a bit of in-car-karaoke (current CD of choice is Queen's Greatest Hits) to force myself happy in the mornings. It's not much, but maybe a glass of wine and a dance round your living room with your hubby this weekend will bring a little relief. Whilst this is a huge, huge thing to deal with, try not to let it destroy you - where would you be then? Xxx

[Scarlett13 in reply to WaltzingWonder]

❤️

[Drives in reply to WaltzingWonder]

💕

[Ladypii]

Hi Kathryn

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. And it is absolutely normal to feel the way you do. Infertility is definitely the worst issue I’ve ever had to face in my life and it is the last thing I think about at night and the first thing to hit me again in the morning, even on the good days.

I actually think you are coping quite well, you have started a new job that sounds very challenging and you have been really proactive in trying to face the hurt you are feeling by going to the doctors and seeking counselling. That is really brave and just waking up each day, having a shower and facing the world is the hardest task ever when you are dealing with grief.

Please try not to be too hard on yourself, and even though it feels like you are alone, millions of women all over the world are feeling your exact pain and we are all here with you. It is a dark time and you may never get over it but I can guarantee you will learn to live with it and this dark cloud you are in will not last forever, I promise you.

I hope that when you are ready and feeling able you can give IVF a chance xxxx

[Scarlett13]

Sorry for your loss. Your grief is normal and understandable. You will never get over your loss but you’ll be able to deal with it better over time in your own time. You will get there. You sound like a lovely person doing a lovely job. This journey sucks. It’s so hard, unfair and all consuming...but you’re not alone. Your partner loves you. We are here for you. Keep going, keep strong, you’ll get your baby xxx

[H7732]

Hi Kathryn

I too can relate to everything you are saying. U just wanted to encourage you and let you know you are not silly, abnormal or stupid. What you are feeling is a totally normal response to an extremely painful long journey in your life. But do not loose hope. There is always hope, I have just found out after several failures and Feeling like it would never happen for us that I am 6 weeks pregnant. So please please hang in there focus on all positives in your life and the lovely amazing woman that I am sure you are be kind to yourself Hx

[Hidden]

Hi Kathryn so sorry to hear you are struggling. I can completely relate after two MC now the second one in January COMPLETELY knocked me for six... as the others have said everything you feel is so normal and it will get easier and actually I think you are doing brilliantly from what you have written. So don’t beat yourself up.

It’s hard for our partners as so often it’s the woman who carries the man, mine is also really struggling with me not being my normal happy self and then I feel terrible guilt for bringing him down. But then I remind myself I didn’t ask for this terrible thing to happen and I am reacting as any normal person would.

The only way I am coping at the moment is almost having two personas. The one at home who grieves and cries when she needs to, and the one that the outside world sees and that person isn’t even trying for a baby - she’s got 100 other things on her mind. It goes ok until I see a pregnant woman or like yesterday someone said to me ‘I haven’t seen you for so long I thought you’d had a baby’... then she struggles

Sending you hugs, and reassurance - you aren’t old - I am 42 trying for my first xx

[Debrakay1704]

Hi Kathryn, you have been through so much and I am so sad to hear this. I think you have done amazing. Men and women handle it in such different ways, sometimes men try and be stronger for the women. We have just got pregnant through our first round of IVF after 3 natural pregnancies that did not work, it is really scary and not right for everyone (I was petrified and it felt like I was literally putting my heart our for someone to control) , maybe your GP will be able to advise and keep trying, will keep everything crossed for you. xxxxx

[alockie]

Hi, I am sorry to read your story. Try to stay positive and relaxed. You might try acupuncture or mesotherapy to ovaries (if they are the issue), spending more time together and taking care of your relationship. x

[Nednoodle]

So sorry to hear what you have been through. I had two missed miscarriages and was definitely suffering from depression and anxiety. I accessed face to face counselling from a local pregnancy crisis support charity (also for pregnancy loss). I was very nervous about doing so as I find it hard to talk about myself to anyone, let alone a complete stranger. However it was brilliant. I went for over a year, first once a week and then moving down to once a month. It helped me so much to work through my grief, guilt,anger,sadness and all the other emotions swirling around. It was tough and I usually ended up blubbing away but really cleansing so I'd highly recommend it. Perhaps see if there is something like that in your area. It was completely free and absolutemy brilliant. X