I had a miscarriage in early September, I was almost 12 weeks. I can’t find peace these days. My best friend is pregnant, she is due on 25th December 2019 I was due on 25th March 2020. Being pregnant at the same time was like a dream come true, but my pregnancy stopped and hers continued. I feel awful. Both her and her husband have serious fertility issues and were about to start IVF when she became pregnant naturally. I was very happy for her, it was a miracle. I’m still happy for her but I really struggle with my own emotions. I don’t know how to show that I am happy for her, that my soul is destroyed for what happened to me, that I’m sad she doesn’t share anything of this magical moment with me, and I ask her about it and she shares something, it hurts for me anyway. I’m upset my baby is forgotten, that he didn’t matter, that I am not a mother, only because my baby is gone. I feel nobody understands me, it’s very lonely. Reading stories on the Miscarriage Association website and also here on Health Unlocked helped a lot, I know I have no reason to not become pregnant again again, but I still feel so lonely. Only when I will get pregnant again I will fill this void and become happy again.
Miscarriage - Please listen - Fertility Network UK
Miscarriage - Please listen
I'm so sorry for your lost but believe me I know how you feel, I had two missed miscarriages in last two years.
Main thing that really helped me was discovering the reason behind my miscarriage and also focus on getting myself better and ready for getting pregnant.
I know its feel very unfair but its life and life its not fair, I'm invited to a birthday party in two weeks and if my baby would make it, it would be her first birthday too.
Also I think our friends and family don't know how to behave around us, its not intentional dear...
I had a few counselling session and it was helpful, at the end I think you learn to live with pain but its always in your heart.
I do hope you feel better soon xx
Hi Mara, thank you for your message. I know it’s not intentional but I feel hurt about it. I would feel much better if it wasn’t treated as a topic that doesn’t have to be discussed. Are you pregnant now, if I understood well?
Sorry you had 2 miscarriages. I don’t think how I would take it if it happened to me again. Can I ask what was the reason behind your miscarriages? Mine was a missed miscarriage too diagnosed at 8 weeks, I miscarried naturally at home at 11 weeks. I don’t believe they do investigations after one or two miscarriages?
I'm not pregnant now, we did one cycle of IVF and most probably it failed (I'm at second week after the embryo transfer and not feeling pregnant).
All the doctor and specialist would tell you that they investigate after 3rd miscarriage but I insisted, so we run every test possible, also I sent the second pregnancy tissue to the lab (privately) and it indicate Turner syndrome after that my husband and I both did Karyotype test and we both have normal chromosome, so it was only bad luck!nothing I could have done to prevent it... 
it hurts because I was also almost 12 week pregnant, so we even announced the good news. we had two scan at 6 weeks and 8 weeks and everything seemed normal...
I hope you feel better, if you like message me and I would always write back, I do hope you get pregnant soon enough and bring your baby home xx
Oh thank you so much for being there! For me it’s like a roller coaster, I feel good one day and I feel devastated the following day. For me it was my first and only pregnancy, I have Pcos and I was shocked when I found out I was pregnant. I do have regular periods, I just never know if I ovulate.
Sorry to hear what happened to you. Most of the times it happens because of Chromosomal abnormalities, but who ever knows until it’s investigated. Anyway, don’t loose hope. Lots of people don’t have symptoms at that stage so you could still be pregnant! I really hope you are!
thank you sweetie, look after yourself xx
Hey 👋🏻 I’ve had three miscarriages. Two of mine were after ivf. With my second ivf miscarriage both of my best friends were pregnant at the same time as I had been. One was due in the January and one in April, I was due two weeks after the one in April. I remember when we all three of us met up, all being pregnant together, it was amazing, like a dream come true. Sadly at a private 10 week scan my third pregnancy was over. No heartbeat. Again. I didn’t see my best friends for the rest of their pregnancies (except for the one time we all had to attend a funeral. I cried just as much for the situation I was in and for losing my baby as I did for the person who had passed away) I just couldn’t face my friends again after that. One was really understanding. The other one not so much. I was so happy for them but so desperately heartbroken for me. I thought I’d never have a baby. I’d been trying for about three years by then. I thought I’d always be the odd one out, but here I am, a mother. My beautiful rainbow daughter is 14 weeks and 5 days old today. It’s hard being in your shoes but don’t give up. Your baby mattered and you are still a mama. You will always be a mama. I will always be a mama to my three angel babies too. Take it a day at a time. You’ll get through it, never over it, but through it xx
Thank you for sharing your story, it will give people hope. I am guessing you had another round of IVF after your second IVF miscarriage, how did you find it in try to keep going and did you do everything the same? And did you have any testing done before going again? Having had a miscarriage after my first IVF cycle I am terrified that this is just going to happen again....😔
Sorry to hear that and all the best on your next try!
Yes I had 6 transfers all together and used 7 embryos. We weren’t offered testing on the nhs until I’d had three miscarriages. The reason for my miscarriages turned out to be a problem with my blood clotting. I have lupus anticoagulant and needed to be put on aspirin and daily injections of heparin. I was also on the vaginal pessaries and progesterone injections too. I kept going because I wanted a baby so badly and I didn’t want to end up with bitter regret had I stopped trying sooner xx
From someone who has only done two rounds (well one really as a cancelled cycle doesn’t count I guess), can I say what a strong woman you must be. It’s stories like this that lift me out of that black hole we’ve all been in, so thank you x
You’re welcome. Hang in there xx
Hi, can I ask you, did you start ivf because of your Pcos diagnosis? I have Pcos and got pregnant naturally, but I’m so worried it will not happen again
Hi 👋🏻 No. I don’t have pcos but I do have a pco. I have regular periods and ovulation every month so in theory I should be able to get pregnant (I just couldn’t stay pregnant). We have male factor infertility as my hubby is paralysed xx
I’ve just realised now that there is actually a difference between PCOS and PCO? No idea what’s my case
I’m so sorry for your loss. I completely understand as I’m going through a similar situation. Praying for you
Thank you for your message and prayers. Are you ok?
Not really but I’m taking it one day at a time. Thanks for asking ❤️
Hiya.. I had a recent loss after a successful IVF cycle.. It was earlier than yours but I have all these feelings you mention.
I also have friends who are due around the same time as me.. As well as friends announcing new pregnancies and its bloody hard.
It's difficult when no one else feels your pain.. And you feel like nobody understands..but here you have ladies who understand. We understand that that baby already meant everything to you and that your heart is broken.
It hurts that others don't seem to give it the recognition it deserves but I think you can only truly understand if you've been through it.
Your little one will never be forgotten by you.. And that's what matters. You will always have that bond, always feel that loss.
I find doing little private things to remember my baby every now and again helps me. For example I bought a little Teddy to remember them by so I often find myself talking to that teddy or having a cuddle. Its not for everyone but it helps me a little.
I hope it helps to know you are not alone and ill always be happy to hear about your lost little one xox
Oh I’m sorry for your loss. Thank you so much for your message, it means a lot. I bought a white wooden keepsake to keep with everything that concerns my pregnancy: pregnancy tests, hospital results, photo scan, thoughts I was writing day by day. On the day I had the miscarriage, I bought a white rose plant for my garden and buried it there (i had my miscarriage at home). I was thinking to buy a small teddy bear too. I know all this might sound mental to some people but it does help a little.
It doesn't sound mental at all.. I've kept all those little things too and sometimes I still write like little letters in the baby book. Anything that helps is good in my eyes. I hope it gets easier over time for you and if you ever need to chat just pop me a message xo
Thank you!
I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through this heartbreak and I’m sorry for your loss. I’ve been on both sides of this story. With my miscarriage my best friend was six weeks ahead of me and the first time I saw her and her bump we were out with friends and I hid in the toilet and just sobbed. We ended up going for a long walk and a chat and it really helped, I told her how I was feeling and we had a good cry together both of us for my daughter we never got to meet. From that point on we were able to be very honest about what I could handle and what I couldn’t and so when I needed space she gave it to me without judgement. Now, I’m in the opposite position, I’m pregnant with my rainbow and my only other friend who’s done IVF, and we have been through it all together the failed cycles, losses and irrational anger Megan Markle getting pregnant, yet now we are expecting and she isn’t. I live overseas and she’s supposed to be visiting me this week yet she’s said she can’t do it right now it’s too hard for her. As sad as I am, I understand and I know she has to do what she has to do to protect herself and so I’m giving her all the space she needs and when she’s ready I’ll be here waiting to be her friend again. I’d consider writing a letter to your friend to explain how you feel, as the last thing you need right now is to feel guilt over your friendship. You need time to grieve and to allow yourself to feel what you’re feeling, you’ve been through a lot. I will never ever forget the little girl I miscarried but time is an amazing healer and it the pain does lessen as the months and years go by xx
Thank you for your message. I think you replied to me in another thread too yesterday but didn’t tell me about you friend who was meant to visit. I think a letter would be the best thing and I was thinking to write one for her when she giver birth. She is a good friend, everyone else try to change subject when it comes out, for example by asking about my new job. This hurts so much none wants to listen to what I have to say about it, that’s why I find this website so useful. I know one of my colleagues had a miscarriage too before having her 2 children, knows what happened, but never really said anything to help me. If I ever have a friend who goes through this, I will be there first in line ready to listen and make her feel better. I know with time and hopefully a new pregnancy things will get better. I wish you all the very best with your pregnancy.
Yes, she only messaged me yesterday so say she was cancelling her trip and I felt so awful. I think a letter is a great way to express yourself, and you can tell her how much you’ve appreciated her letting you to talk about it. You’re so right a lot of people don’t want to or can’t handle hearing about your pain and I think they think they’re helping by changing the subject but you need to get it out I think. I had some therapy after mine and so did my husband separately and it also made a big difference. Sending you lots of love and hugs xxx
It takes time but slowly things will improve, it took me 10 months before i started to feel like myself again. I found an Instagram page for zoe clark-coates who wrote a book called baby loss guide. I really found her posts and messages helped me. I am surrounded by babies in my friends and family but while it hurts a little I am very happy for them all and would never want to miss out on my auntie cuddles. Hope you are ok x
Thank you for sharing! And sorry for your loss.
I’m really sorry for your loss how devastated you must feel.
I had a early pregnancy loss between having my son & daughter 2 years ago. It felt like my whole world had fallen apart. I felt so heartbroken & angry. My son then announced his girlfriend was having a baby 2 weeks after when our baby was due the timing was awful. I’m not sure how I dealt with it but somehow we kept going & believing we would get there it took me another year & 2 more surgeries to treat my endometriosis but I did fall with my daughter who is nearly 6 months old. It hasn’t taken the memory of our loss but it has healed our once broken ♥️s. I guess we have to have hope it will come right but at times it’s bloody hard.
Maybe have some space from your friend - explain how hard it is for you if she’s a good friend she’ll understand.
You need to put yourself first don’t feel bad we have to do whatever makes this easier for ourselves xxx
Thank you and sorry for your loss. I’m so grateful I’m able to talk to you ladies here on Health Unlocked, I feel you can understand what I’m going through right now. It’s good to hear positive stories as well after miscarriage.
I have been exactly where you have been. I have cried myself to sleep so many nights, woken up crying in the night and waking in the morning with dread and with eyes full of tears. And when you think that you don't have any more tears to shed, you find your eyes welling again!
The loneliness of it all is suffocating and even if you are surrounded by people who care about you, their awkwardness around you makes you cringe being in their company. It makes you feel even more lonely.
Give time to yourself to heal...and open up as much as possible to those who have been through the same, or similar problems.
My heart goes out to you and hope that in time you will rediscover yourself again, rediscover what other forms of happiness can exist. Lots of love xxx
Thank you so much for your message, that is exactly how I feel and I don’t see how I can feel better around people now that everyone seems to have children. I can just hope it will get better with time
We have all been here well I have !everyday I wish for my baby back and wish I didn’t have so many problems lost my baby at 12 week can’t get over it we are to try again but I might need an operation before I have success I’m devestated im finding it hard to have peace as days go on I think where I would be with my baby
I’m so sorry to hear about your loss and if you want to talk I’ll be here. Why are you having an operation?
I have endometriosis it causes scarring in the womb
Totally normal feelings. I got pregnant after 4 years of trying last years and it took everything in me to continue. It’s lonely, but I promise it gets easier and easier day by day x
Thank you for your message. Did you get pregnant 4 years after a miscarriage?
After 2 ivfs and then 4 iui. We then got pregnant for the first time ever, to have a miscarriage at 9 weeks. We also knew it was a girl. Which has/made it so much harder to deal with. We have now moved onto DE, as we made the decision that it was never going to happen with my low quality eggs and even if they did manage to get us pregnant again it would never last due to the low quality of my eggs...which in the other cycles has lead to poor quality embryos. We now have 5 embryos frozen with DE and will do our first transfer in the NY. It does get easier I promise, give yourself time to grieve and mourn. A year and half on I still wonder what she would have looked like and remember her on by due date. But the pain is more manageable now. Keep talking to people, it helped me finally when I was ready to talk about it xx
Oh I’m so sorry to hear about your losses. I feel I know so little about ivf, low quality eggs etc. I don’t even know what it means, if I might have some problems too or if it just happened by chance. I wish you all the best on your first transfer and keep us updated!
If you need anything feel free to message me
Also we only found out I had low quality eggs after the number of egg collections we’ve had. It’s a journey and you can’t know it all. X
Is this indicated by FSH levels?
I’m not sure if the fsh level will tell you that. But I only became aware of it during my multiple times of egg collection, as I was producing the same number of eggs and quality no matter what the dosage or diet or supplements I was taking.
Also just reading your comment to another member about becoming lonely. I have done this for years. I feel I have distanced myself from friends/family. But I think it’s normal, you can’t help but feel all the emotions and Unfortunately if we are honest only yourself and your partner can truly understand the pain you are in. It will make you stronger for it. But time will come when u want to have these people in your life. So just give yourself time x
Thank you 😊
We all have our experiences with this kind of things... I myself experienced that my cousin in law succeeded with her very first IVF cycle which she had 3,5 weeks before my third, that I failed. And during her pregnancy I failed once more... It hurt a lot seeing her with an always bigger belly and eventually with her son. And I wasn't even pregnant at any moment with her! I can't imagine how it would be like having started out together building a fellow hope and expectation and then, after several weeks, be torn down to grief and sorrow all over... I remember we, my cousin in law and I, grew so close during the first week of her cycle and up to my failure was a fact... Then we just lost it...
It was some of the same with a sister in law that got her baby just two years ago. I had just entered the world of IVF when we knew she was pregnant. And some weeks later I did get a BFP, but lost it soon after at 5w2d. Possibly a mere chemical, but still a broken hope. That pregnancy of hers set up a barrier between us that we've up to now not been able to tear down. She told my husband that she cried for joy when she knew we were expecting, but, unlike my other sisters in law, she hasn't sent me any greeting or any other message to tell _me_ she's happy for us... (Payback time? 😢)
This kind of situation I believe can be hard for both sides. Hard for us struggling with our infertility, that it comes in our face with every new baby arrival announced. Our own pain can make it difficult to share our friends and families' enthusiasm for what's happening in their life. And feeling some degree of envy might be inevitable. Sometimes we can't even hide it - especially if we're really close. And that can of course hurt the ones wanting everyone to rejoice with them!
Actually I believe this is a core point to understand what's going on... Growing a baby and preparing to be a mom is a very special thing. And I believe many moms-to-be consciously or unconsciously let out everything that can put them out of the "mom-to-be-mood". One inevitably puts more and more focus on their baby and their tiny family. And facing a friend's struggle and pain because of an infertility issue or a pregnancy loss in a proper way, could be out of reach while they're in that bubble - even though they would have given you a hand and a hug and walked the mile with you under normal circumstances. But it's just not their focus right now.
I also believe many pregnant women when confronted with a friend's or relative's infertility issue or pregnancy loss can feel a kind of bad consciousness for them being so lucky while you (and we) are somehow let behind... And that ambiguity between the feeling of being guilty of being lucky and feeling joy for expecting a new family member, I think that's a huge issue for many of our friends and relatives making them keep distance to protect themselves - and to not smash their luckiness in your unlucky face...
I've written a long text (again), but my point is: Don't be too harsh with your friends. Give them time - as you have to give yourself time. Writing letters to the ones you feel your relations complicated with because of the situation, as has been suggested, could be a great idea to clean the air of the tension (this is not an English way to say it, but I hope you understand - English is not my mother tongue). And if they are real friends, and you want them to continue to be so, be patient, and hopefully you can recover the relationships after some time ❤❤❤
Thank you for sharing this and sorry for your infertility problem. I’m by choice becoming more lonely with time. I understand this must be hard for others too and unfair, especially for my friend who is pregnant, but I can’t help it. When we are together I’m totally fine but we avoid any baby talk (tough I understand it’s not fair on her who had serious infertility issues). As soon as we separate it hurts when I think about her ‘Baby on board’ badge or her pregnant necklace. Somehow I find it irrespecutful that we was wearing them while out with me, that these are little things that could be avoided. I’m not feeling envious, just hurt. I receive many texts by friends, especially on my birthday yesterday, I’m not in the mood to answer pointless questions, questions about so many different topics, but never a question about me and how I’m feeling after the loss. Or a question about how my husband is helping me, what I am going to do next. So I prefer to be alone. I was a Nursery school Manager and working with children was helping a lot after the miscarriage, but I had to quit to avoid pregnant parents. I’m doing dog walking, i try to avoid people as much as possible and spending more time in nature somehow helps a little, but the pain is growing with time, as my due date gets closer.
Big hugs ❤❤❤
I would like to say a Huge Thank You to all of the people who replied to this post and shared your story. Somehow it makes me feel less lonely. I’m sorry about your infertility problems and losses and I hope we will all get there one day, no matter how hard the journey will be.
I’m so sorry for you that this is happening and that you are feeling like this. I am feeling the same way at the moment and it’s hard to imagine ever feeling happy again. I miscarried after my first round, having it all taken away was just another blow. My second round has just been cancelled and this week has been very tough. They say time heals all wounds and I’m hoping this is true. Hope is just around the corner for us, when you feel at your lowest like now remember that you are not alone. Big hug to you x
Thank you so much, I hope your second round will work for you and you’ll be able to share a happy news!
I forgot to say - in your title you say Please listen, so please know that we hear you. The loneliness is real in this....
x
💕 thank you
Hi there! How are you? I hope you are feeling better. I am really sorry that you had a miscarriage. I know it's hard for you to deal with that, but you need to be there for your friend. If you don't put others before yourself, no one will do that for you. Make this journey beautiful for her so when it's your time, she does the same for you because i am sure you will expect that. You need to be strong and patient. You will also make it work if you keep trying. I hope you understand it. Good luck! Stay blessed. Take care. Bye!
Hi there! I hope you are feeling better now. I am really sorry for what you are going through. This is the main reason why we join such forums. Because here people are dealing with the same things as us. They help us and understand us. If someone that has never faced infertility in life will never be able to understand the pain of it. So share your story with people here, make new friends and I am sure they will help you out. These forums helped me in my journey. People here helped me to stay strong and patient. I hope this helps you as well. Good luck. Stay blessed. Take care. Bye!
Hi! How are you now? I am really sorry about your miscarriage. I know it's very hard to deal with such a loss. I can understand your condition right now. You are stuck in that Why me state. That's very common, many people during this journey go through that. You should be happy for her, not like that. I am sure you will find the right way for yourself as well. I will pray that things get easier for you. My blessings are with you. Take good care of yourself. Best of Luck. Goodbye!
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