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Fertility Network UK
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Six month on from miscarriage

This may be a trigger, talk of miscarriage and mental health ..

It’s six months now since my miscarriage. I was hoping to be pregnant again, because I read all the reports that it was better to get pregnant in the first 6 months after. I’m so sad I’ve not conceived. I think about my baby every day. I’m trying to move on, not think about it, but it’s really hard. I’ve been to counselling. I’m on anti depressants. I try to occupy my mind with other stuff, but every so often I break down. Has anyone got any coping techniques. When something triggers me, it’s tears, sobbing, just heartbreaking feelings. It’s really tough at work, and six months on, I feel I should be able to cope better. Work said that I can’t keep crying, (I’ve cried once in the last month). I tried googling how to stop grieving, because it’s effecting my job, and happiness overall. Does anybody have any tips?

The second month after mc, I downloaded the app again, got some internet cheapie ovulation sticks, charted my cervical mucus etc. Last month I was convinced I was pregnant, then my period started and I was devastated. So I deleted the app, threw away the sticks, said to my fiancé that “I’ve given up”, and tried to occupy myself with my dog, gardening, hobbies.

It’s such a hard time. I’m worried I won’t conceive again, I’ve started reading about when to stop the trying. I’m trying to come to terms with not having a child. I’m driving myself looney.

I just wanted to get it off my chest because it feels so hard.

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I have no advice as I cannot imagine what you have been through. It is heartbreaking and I don't know how people get through what you have experienced.

Sending love and hopefully the cloud lifts after more time processing your grief.

I am hoping that you have support of lots of friends and family while you do this.

Xxx

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I don't have any advice as such but wanted to say in time it does get better. After my second miscarriage last year I felt exactly how your feeling & couldn't stop myself from feeling seriously negative about the future. After my D & C, I went on a serious health kick & expected to have another miracle & be pregnant by my lost baby's due date. It didn't happen. I was angry with everyone & everything. My husband has such a positive attitude & was getting irritated by my behaviour so we came up with a plan for our future together & maybe that was the turning point for me as I stopped feeling so alone . I just had to accept the situation before I destroyed the good things in my life too. I don't think anyone can tell you what to do but I really hope you find peace before too long Hun. We don't deserve more heartache after already going through so much. Xx

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Oh it is so hard indeed and we all do not deserve this 😔. I was the same after my miscarriage but nothing as always. All can do is try to stay hopeful in trying both naturally and through ivf in the hope it could happen. Such a shame there is never certainty.

Glad u got dog there to have I find mine a life saver. Am unsure if ever be a human mummy but will always be a doggy mummy no matter what and she def a big commitment to me. Sorry there is nothing that can be said with certainty try keep going and hopeful. Take good care xx

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You can’t stop the grieving process. It’s a natural thing and everyone does it differently. It’s really insensitive of work to say that to you as well.

Don’t give up, you’ve got pregnant before there’s no reason why it won’t happen again. Keep speaking to people about how you feel, write it down. You have to try and stay positive or he negative will suck you in and drag you down. I know it’s hard but keep going and it will feel better soon!

I really hope you start to feel better soon about everything. Xx

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Have you contacted the miscarriage association or Tommy’s? Both very helpful charities xx

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Hi sorry for your loss and what your going through. I’ve had 2 mmc in a row it’s an emotional rollercoaster I cried a lot and was really quite depressed took a while to shake it I really just wanted to get pregnant again fast. It took 5 mths in that time our relationship wasn’t good it took its toll he was depressed as well. We got pregnant everything was good we were happy again the weight was lifted 13w we’ve lost another baby. 1 month on I feel good I cry sometimes but not how I did the first time my partner think it was harder this time he keeps it inside bottling it up we’ve talked abit he seems ok keeping a eye on him.

Were not giving up just yet although it’s hard I feel we have to keep trying.

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I had a miscarriage December last year, and I can say now I’m not the same woman I was before. It is a traumatic thing to go through, you need to give yourself time. You’re not weird to grieve for this long, it’s normal. Everyone grieves in their own way. I mean it’s been 9 months for me! Ibe realised my work is the main trigger of stress now. I had no compassion or work based support while I went through all of this, and it’s almost ruined my job. It’s like I go to work and I feel like I’m the crazy one who needs mental health support and doesn’t know how to do her job. So, I made the conscious decision to get another job, and I already feel a shed ton better. I was signed off for 2 weeks from my doctor because i mentally could not take anything anymore. Please, get some support from your doctor, there are people who can help! It will get easier, I promise x

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Dear Kathryn I am so sorry you are struggling with all this grief sadly there is no easy way through and there is no time limit try to take comfort where ever you can and surround yourself with love and compassion where ever you find it. Someone who studied grief once said do not try to move away from your grief but find a way to move forward taking your loss with you your precious baby will always be a part of you l hope you find joy in the future bit for now be very kind to yourself sending my love x

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Hi Kathryn, I'm so sorry for your loss and echo the comments of the other ladies here. You are COMPLETELY normal in needing time to grieve and there is no time limit on that - it can take weeks, months, years to come to terms with the loss. In some ways I feel I will never quite get back to the old me, but I am stronger, wiser and have my battle scars now. My number one tip would be go back to counselling (I posted on this recently). I know it can be time consuming, expensive, and not to mention really hard sharing it all sometimes, but i honestly think that it saved my mental health and my marriage after suffering two miscarriages over the past couple of years. What you have been through is devastating. Do not let anyone try convince you otherwise, or make you ashamed of your emotions. I'm so sorry your employers haven't been more understanding. Surround yourself with people who DO understand and please do look into talking therapies. Petals are a great charity offering counselling for pregnancy loss and have helped me and my husband no end. All the best. xx

(PS i also put loads of pressure on myself to conceive within 6 months of mc. I didn't. It is a myth and there's no real evidence that it's "easier" so don't be hard on yourself. It takes your body a long time to recover from the trauma - be kind to yourself. I really hope you get your BFF one day). xxx

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Hi Kathryn, I just wanted to add my words of support to the others who have posted. I can completely relate to that desperation to get pregnant again - to right the terrible wrongs of a miscarriage. Every passing month we have to go through a physical reminder what we went through and what we don't have. It's truly heart-breaking. There is a terrible lack of care and understanding of the emotional impact of miscarriage across society. I've never known such a lack of compassion and the terribly inadequate words of the people who are supposedly the 'experts'. It's not just 'one of those things'. It's life-altering and heart-breaking and it deserves far more recognition than it currently gets. I really wish you all the best. Look after yourself as best you can. Get some counselling from someone who specialises in this if you can. You will come out the other side eventually, you'll just be a different version of you - a much stronger and more compassionate one xxx

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