Work getting me down!

[Franco81]

I’m just after a bit of support while still stuck in the middle of my IVF journey and it feels as if it’s completely taking over my life. I don’t know what to do about it so any suggestions would be wonderful! I can’t quite think straight a lot of the time! (Is this normal?!)

We have just had our second failed ICSI cycle with no Frosties so we’re taking a few months off to gather ourselves together, get healthy and find some strength to try again. I have low AMH so am starting to think it’s my eggs that are weak so if cycle 3 is unsuccessful I’ve started tentatively considering the option of donor eggs which I’m finding quite hard as well.

But basically at the moment my work is causing me the most distress! I’ve always worked with children, in Nurseries and schools and finally settled into a job I love about 4 years ago (before TTC) as a childminder. I absolutely love it but it is getting increasingly difficult to spend time at soft plays, playgroups and parks surrounded by new mums and pregnant women. It’s so tiring bracing yourself for the inevitable every day. I don’t want to deny the children I look after from these experiences though, but it’s so draining!

Also I only have a couple of children on my books at the moment but don’t feel I can take any new ones in as I have to take time off for my cycles which leaves these families without childcare. I’m not earning much and obviously also don’t get paid when I’m off either so feel a bit down about not contributing much.

As well as this, we are planning to move house in the summer. It’s been a big discussion as it’s my husbands family home and his mum is helping us to buy it since my husbands dad passed away a couple of years ago. It’s not the sentiment for him, but the upgrade and a good opportunity which he is very keen on but I’m not so sure! Obviously I’ll need to move my work and also my home is where I feel secure. I’m not sure I have it in me to move there and put my own stamp on it when I’ve lost all sense of myself at the moment! I feel ungrateful but to me it feels like another emotional uncertainty which I don’t know that I can handle. We’ve talked about it lots but my husband is so disappointed at the thought of staying where we are that I can’t cope with that guilt either!

It’s all a bit of a mess really!!

This infertility really doesn’t come alone does it, I feel it’s slowly sleeping into every aspect of my life and I’m desperate to take back some control. Any suggestions?! Should I just move and look for an easy job somewhere until our nightmare is over? I want to be the strong person I used to be but I can’t seem to find her!!

Thank you to all you wonderful people on here, I’d truly be lost without this forum xxx

[Asweetpea]

Hi Franco81. I’m sorry to hear it’s all getting on top of u st the moment. I am a nanny so u derstamd how hard it is being around children all day when ur going through this process. I feel a bit like my life has been on hold for years. Constantly thinking can’t do that because what if I’m pregnant. I’ve even taken a job so I can do treatment without messing parents about, but it’s not really what I want to be doing.

I am trying to take some time for myself and do things that make me feel good. Exercising, massages, even just sitting reading for 10 mins helps.

Wishing you luck.xxx

[Franco81 in reply to Asweetpea]

Hi SweetPea!

Sorry to hear you’ve felt the same, it’s horrible when this affects other areas of your life isn’t it. So what are you doing now? Still nannying?

Good luck to you too xx

[DianeArnold Partner Nurse Fertility Network UK]

Hi Franco81. Oh dear! You've certainly got lots of change to deal with in the near future and also coping with work too.Nothing much we can do about all these babies and "bumps" about, but when you do have time for your self, try and have it away from them if you can. I wondered whether you had any counselling when you had treatment. You could try again, and I wondered whether you might like to contact the "British Infertility Counselling Association" who are specially trained with all fertility matters and relationships surrounding them. It is a charity, but there is a charge. You can contact them at hfea.gov.uk so do have a look. Before you go for your next specialist appointment, I do have a list of questions I could email you in confidence if you want. Email me at [e-mail] and I will get it to you. Meanwhile, I hope that your house move goes as smoothly as it possibly can, and work issues settle a bit too. Thinking of you. Diane.

[Franco81 in reply to DianeArnold]

Thank you Diane, we have had some counselling and I’ve just booked another session in a week or so, so hopefully that will help. I think I’m just finding it all too much altogether at the moment, I’m sure I’ll find the strength somewhere but there is just so much uncertainty ahead in every aspect of my life! I can’t quite get my head around it all. I never really realised how much everything can be affected by infertility.

Thank you so much for your response though xx