Having an emotional melt down or as an alien taken me over

Well what can I say it's been a very emotional week. This whole infertility thing has tested me like I'm sure it does most people beyond limits. My mum died 3 and a half years ago and although I'm 36 this process is making me miss her so much. I was so close to her! This week I've spoken to my auntie who is amazing but nicely said to me well if it works it works and if it doesn't it doesn't! I've also had one of my friends happily tell me all about one of the girls in the office having a little baby boy I got to hear all the happy details. I was thinking please be quiet! I'm honestly happy for them but... this has been in a week which we have been trying to chase my OH's blood test results being told a 101 different things. He is due to have a procedure on Wednesday.

Anyway tonight I've come home to a letter confirming the procesure on wednesday. My gran and grandad both died within a couple of weeks of each other this year. We are using their money to fund the IVF and the procedure will be done on my grandads birthday!

I ended up crying and screaming at my OH saying I felt so alone. I should have been happy things are eventually moving. However I also said there was no way this could work with my frame of mind. My OH got the full brunt of this. Bless him seems to be coping with things a million times better than me to a point where I sometimes feels he doesn't care. I know he does really!

I honestly thought that I was going insane! So angry and irrational! However after a good cry I feel a lot more positive. Let's hope my guardian angels are looking over us.

Sorry for the long post but I just needed to vent it really does seem that people just don't get it. I'm not sure I understand such a huge range of emotions let alone expect others too. However it's apparent I needed to rant and thought I would use this forum.

I wish all you lovely ladies a good and lucky weekend xxx

16 Replies

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  • Dear NMP, I happen to be awake so thought would drop you a line to say hang on in there, and I will pray for you now before I (hopefully) go to sleep. (If sleep an issue for you, do check out headspace.com for some free 10 min meditations which I find really helpful). Talking of which I have been doing mindfulness for over a year now. I had depression sparked by the loss of my Dad in 2014 and other traumatic life events. I try to do mindfulness every day now, I find it helps distract..get 'out'of my thoughts... More peace and space in my brain... Train brain to recognise neg thoughts arising and not scamper after them...back to the breath.. 'All is well. All will be well'..

    My Mum died also when I was 13. I have been blessed w some lovely ladies who have been 'motherly' to me. If your aunt's not the one, are there others you can draw close to, or really good friends?

    Bless you. Hang on in there. Sounds like you have a great hubby and he is there for you. You are not alone.

    Big hug xx

  • Hi Coracle

    Thank you for your reply. I went to bed after my post feeling a little better.

    I'm sorry to hear you have had a troubled past. Life can be so cruel! I'm glad you've got good support though. Tbh my auntie is an amazing lady and been wonderful I just think she like so many others doesn't understand IVF. Thanks for the recommendation really headspace I've signed up. I'm also off for my first consultation re. Accupuncture. I will try anything!

    Take care and thanks xx

  • So glad you went to bed feeling a little better. I have just done my mindfulness with an aromatherapy vapouriser going on in the background! Glad u going to give it a go. Do try it every day - even if not that helpful/boring to start with.

    I also gave had acupuncture and reflexology this cycle. Am gently sceptical/open minded, but boy has it been brilliant for relaxation and feeing cared for, and both ladies are great at being mini counsellors at the same time! The reflexologist lent me the amazing aromatherapy vapourisor thingie.

    Glad your auntie is awesome, I have an awesome auntie too. But like you said, its just finding the right supporters for the ivf challenge.

    Be very blessed today. You are a strong lady and you will get through this xx

  • Oh dear NMP you are not alone.we all get to feel terrible while on this journey.just last night i was watching a movie and tears just rolled down my face.it was a good movie but i just found myself thinking about my life and this ivf and i cried for a good 30minutes.i was home alone and husband was at work.i also feel that people dont understand how i feel no matter how they try.its such a lonely thing to go through .i test tomorrow sunday and im anxious about it .i havw had no real symptoms the past couple of days so who knows.if ever you feel like ranting this is the best place.we get it.hoping for the best for you.Xx

  • Big hugs and luck for tomorrow lawmom. Apart from gripey belly I've had none either. And I think they're from the cyclogest! Let's hope we're the statistic that symptoms are needed. xx

  • Bless you, thinking of you lawmom xx

  • Awe bless you hun. I wish you all the luck in the world. luck and baby dust xxx

  • Hey Lawmom

    How are you doing today?

    If I'm freaking now I dread to think how I will be with the 2ww (if we get to that point). People really don't understand. I wish you all the luck in the world for tomorrow xx

  • I remember when I did my first ivf... my hubby got the brunt of everything!!! Bad day at work? Then ivf was ruining my life. Missed a parcel being delivered? Then my hubby wasn't taking his ivf responsibilities seriously enough.

    Husbands/partners are resilient. They also do great hugs. Start today if with an extra 30 minutes in bed having a long cuddle. Cry if you want. Ivf is hard work. But it's also massively unfair. Don't feel you have to pretend it isn't. I think that by doing that it makes it harder for ourselves. Big hugs xx

  • I've been on here a while now and you have just said what I think all the time. We put all our effort into pretending it is ok and its not unfair - and it plainly is!!! Thank you for making me realise I'm not the only one who thinks this, but puts on the 'I dont mind its happened to me' face!!! X

  • Hi Emu2016

    How are you doing?

    Thanks for the words of wisdom! Although I have only posted a few things on here. Your posts always manage to make me smile so thank you xxx

  • I hate it when people say things like, "how exciting" about the start of ivf. I know that some women on here find it exciting, but as a natural pessimist, I don't think anything about this process is exciting and I can't see why anyone should have to feel glad that a process they wish they didn't have to have is moving forwards and that they are having to spend loads of money on something which might not work.

    You've been through the mill in the last few years, you must be carrying a lot of grief, and emotional outbursts are absolutely to be expected.

    There's a lot of talk about our frame of mind affecting outcomes, but there's very little proper evidence that this actually affects pregnancy rates. I always say, women in war zones under immense stress don't stop having babies, so this seems good evidence that it isn't all about your frame of mind!

    Don't beat yourself up about finding this hard... it is hard. It's a horrible situation to be in. You don't have to feel grateful, or lucky to have the opportunity to do it, or anything. However, you might want to see if your clinic has counselling on offer abs give it a go. It might help you cope through the process?

  • Haha! I'm only having IUI at the moment but I've had 'exciting' comments and I've also had 'try to enjoy it'! 😲 I did have to say I'm not sure that 'enjoy' is the right word, but she meant well.

  • Sorry ladies I was trying to reply to each person individually however it seems that I've not quite worked out how to do that just yet!

    Thanks all for your responses. I wish you all the luck in the world. It's a scary and can seem like a very lonely journey we are all on. We've definitely got that in common. It's also OK not to be OK.

    Thanks all.

    Wishing you all luck & strength xxx

  • Oh no! It sounds like you are having a tough time at the moment. I'm sorry 😐

    It is so tough to not take it out on our OH's, but they have to forgive us because they love us 😊.

    Listening to people at work complain about childcare etc is one of my pet peeves because I just end up thinking I wish I was lucky enough to have those issues😞.

    Then on the flip side, one of the 18 years olds I manage at work has found out she is pregnant. She doesn't want a child and so I'm having to support her as she makes her termination appointments and she can't tell her mum because she's ashamed and frightened. Life is tough sometimes and just downright unfair!

    I hope this week's appointment goes well. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you x

  • Hey

    Sorry for the late response I've been trying to keep myself busy and not allow myself time to think!

    I've got to admit my OH is a diamond and so resilient bless him. He's constantly making me smile.

    Ohh it really does sound like your work situation is tough. I hope you are looking after yourself.

    The appointment has gone well thanks and I am booked in for next week. It's over to me.

    Take care of yourself

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