Just wondering how everyone is finding pregnancy after infertility? Do you feel happy and content or are there lots of fears and worries mixed in?
I've had moments of being incredibly calm and accepting, particularly in the second trimester, but I'm struggling now I'm getting near full term (I'll be 33 weeks on Friday). I've become very overwhelmed suddenly with fears that something will go wrong at the last minute and I'll lose my baby. I guess I can't get over how lucky I got having my first embryo transfer work, and I struggle to believe my luck will last.
I know a few other ladies pregnant at the same time (all of whom say they got pregnant easily) and they seem to just assume all will be well and are so relaxed about what they eat/do in comparison to me. It's making me feel like there's something wrong with me being so anxious and tearful.
Is struggling with these kinds of fears an infertility thing? Have you felt this way? Was there anything that made you feel better?
Lots of love
xxx
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Redsequin
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congrats on getting to 33 weeks! You’re doing great. I’m on my second pregnancy, currently 37 weeks. My first took a few years to conceive and the infertility has had a huge impact on both my pregnancies. Infertility definitely affects so many aspects of pregnancy and even once baby is here. I totally get how you’re feeling. Even though I didn’t have issues conceiving my second (which I still can’t even believe) i still have a lot of the same fears and anxieties. Infertility is something that when you go through It I don’t think it ever really leaves you, changes something in us forever.
But I also think others who haven’t experienced fertility issues can be obliviously naive to things that could go wrong. I’m not saying it’s good to worry (or that they should be thinking of the negatives), but i think because our eyes have been opened we’re much more aware of all the pitfalls and stats etc. whereas a lot of people have no idea.
Try not to beat yourself up for having fears - know that they come from a deep place and that’s ok - it’s totally understandable. It may seem unfair when others appear carefree and enjoying their pregnancies but there’s definite positives for us - I’ve found when things get really tough with baby, especially with sleep deprivation, feeling intense gratefulness to even have him in my life really helps get me through. Xx
Thank you for leaving me such a thoughtful message, Arya!
I'm working on accepting my fears are understandable and that there's nothing wrong with me. I think I've found it hard because when I've tried to open up to others, they haven't always understood and have sometimes been a little judgemental. But I guess I also need to accept it's hard for people to understand if they haven't experienced infertility themselves.
I like your perspective that being less carefree has benefits too. I've noticed I get less upset about the discomforts of pregnancy, for example, than others and I hope that carries on into motherhood too! xxx
massive hugs I certainly don’t think your alone in feeling this way. I didn’t believe my son was really mine to stay until he was a year old at least, after all the IVF, a miscarriage and a traumatic birth I had this feeling like one day someone would tap me on the shoulder and say “right that’s it, your turn at being a mother is over now time to give him back”. I had therapy for PTSD and that helped a lot and I no longer feel that way and I’m now 30 weeks pregnant with my second and although I’m scared of the birth it’s nothing like I felt first time. I really recommend seeing someone sooner rather than later to talk about how you’re feeling, I ignored it and left it way too long and you’ve been through a lot to get to where you are, you deserve to get to enjoy your baby xx
It helps so much to know I'm not alone and that others feel this way too. I've had a few therapy sessions but agree it would be a good idea to invest in a few more. It can seem so expensive to get help, but when I stop and think about it for a moment I realise there's little more important than our happiness and mental health . xxx
hi hun, definitely not weird at all! You have gone through a long journey already to get where you are and I do think this can definitely increase your anxieties and perhaps fears that things can still be snatched away from you.
I am 33 weeks this week as well and definitely try to stay away from any stories or even things on tv involving anything where things go wrong later on as it fuels my anxiety as well. Trying to stick to positives only and positive affirmations etc to help with that positive focus. And I can tell I am on top of everything my midwife says/does and researching everything myself as well compared with maybe just going with the flow haha. Not saying people who fell pregnant naturally don’t have these anxieties but I def think the infertility journey heightens everything.
I do agree with MissI73 though to perhaps ask for help or speak to someone so you can address these feelings but also prevent this coming back in full force when hormones are raging after birth etc.
As we are at same phase of our pregnancy, feel free to reach out any time by the way!
Thanks so much for your lovely reply and the offer of reaching out. Always comforting to find someone else at the same stage as you!
I think what's partly been hard has been my family telling me I "shouldn't" be anxious, whilst simultaneously saying they won't buy anything for the baby yet "just in case". It's really helpful to have my feelings validated and know I'm not alone in being perhaps a bit more anxious than others.
I'm looking into a few therapy sessions over the next weeks. Hopefully they will help me build some better coping strategies!
Definitely not alone! And well done for trying to arrange some therapy sessions! I think that will be very helpful and hopefully makes you feel better for now and later stages.
I know it might not work for everyone but I actually do feel better now I have most stuff in the house for after birth and the essentials and feel excited about seeing all the cute stuff and not being ‘ready’ probably gave me added anxiety so prepping for the big day helps. and now I am working on my hospital bag etc. Keeping the positive vibe going and staying away from negative ones. Not trying to be naive but as with the early stages in the 1st trimester, it does help to keep thinking that there is no point worrying now about what ‘might’ go wrong because it might not go wrong at all and also worrying about it now isn’t going to make any bad things any better. So positive thinking and know you are strong and can deal with things as they come. Something I keep telling my self in my meditations.
Are you doing any hypnobirthing or other courses at all? Xxx
hey there. I feel similar. Currently 30 weeks and constantly just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I do feel better since I can feel baby wriggling around in there, but I’m constantly worried about being wrong (to the extent of researching my triple screening results in detail, and checking for blood every time I go for a wee). Also haven’t bought anything yet. I have a friend who’s also pregnant at the moment who had a couple of miscarriages and I think she’s similar. Im trying to keep calm, and not beating myself up about it. I think it’s a reasonable way to feel. Obviously no advice here…just wanted to say thanks for posting, made me feel better seeing it and knowing I’m not alone!
Thank you, lovely. You are most definitely not alone. I struggled with buying things too until my husband insisted we at least get the basics after someone from our NCT group gave birth early unexpectedly! Now I've started, it doesn't feel so scary! xxx
You’re not alone! I completely agree that there is a lot of worry and some catastrophising that I’ve experienced after infertility and the loss of two babies, and I think many women in this position feel similarly.
What I find really difficult is the lack of understanding from people around me – those who haven’t been through what we’ve been through are so removed from the experience that they cannot fathom the thoughts and worries we might have. I’ve found that no matter how much I try and explain it, other people just don’t get it, and I find this not only very frustrating, but quite isolating.
Unfortunately, my current pregnancy is a bit complicated (on top of everything else) as I’ve got a short cervix and have had to have surgery for this at 21 weeks, and another surgery coming up at 36 weeks. This just adds to the worry.
At the same time, I appreciate that worry and gratitude and hope can coexist – they’re not mutually exclusive. I’m grateful for my little baby wriggling in my belly and want to share the joy with friends and family.
I know it’s so much easier said than done, but try and enjoy pregnancy, the wriggles, the planning, perhaps a baby shower! I found that being well prepared for both pregnancy and birth is really helpful in alleviating some of the fears – informative books and course (such as a hypnobirthing course) might really help! x
Thanks so much for your very kind message. I agree people around me not really understanding is almost harder than the anxiety itself!
Congrats on your pregnancy but sorry it’s a complicated one. Hope the surgery at 21 weeks went well and the next one goes smoothly too 🤞🏻.
There are defo parts I’m really enjoying! I bought a few newborn clothes and other essentials the other day and actually that’s helped a lot for me to feel more of the excitement, less of the existential dread 😂 and yes, am doing an online hypnobirthing course which has been calming me down a bit!
Definitely a lot of fears and worries mixed in for me too. I’m also 33 weeks and whilst I feel somewhat calmer than in early pregnancy knowing statistically the risks are much lower now, I still have moments of panic -maybe I’ll realise I’ve not felt him moving for a bit, or I’ll come across a story of something happening to someone else late on or during labour and it will send me into a tailspin
It took 3 egg collections for me to get my first ever BFP, which is now this baby and I’m 38. A lot of my anxieties to begin with were around this being my only chance, and now I’m very attached to the baby and scared for him.
I do think it’s very normal after all we’ve been through. Also, being on online forums, whilst they are very helpful in lots of respects, it does make you more aware of things going wrong as of course people post when they need support. I try to remind myself that to an extent the anxiety serves a purpose- it’s good to be aware if there is a reduction in baby’s movements for example, so you can get it checked out. Of course, a lot of things are out of our control and worrying about them won’t help and it’s really unpleasant to constantly have these thoughts
I’m actually about to start counselling through the NHS to help me with this. It is quite hit and miss how easy it is to get, but lots of services prioritise pregnant women and new mothers, so it’s worth letting both your midwife AND GP know how you are feeling and seeing if they can arrange a referral. In my case I was referred to a service by the midwives which had a four month waiting list, mentioned this to my GP during routine appointment last week and now I have a one-to-one counselling session booked in for next week as it turns out my GP has an in-house psychologist. I do feel this is very lucky, but it’s definitely worth looking into. In my case, I’m afraid my anxiety is going to continue beyond the pregnancy itself, so even when I was on a long waiting list, I was glad I’d potentially have some support at that stage
You are not alone. You’ve come a long way and chances of having a healthy baby in your arms in a couple of months are very very much in your favour, but there may be support out there to help you if you need it in the meantime x
Thanks, lovely. Such a helpful response. I know you're right about the odds getting better as time goes on. I too have accidentally come across some really sad stories of late baby loss and I think they've panicked me a bit!
It's a good idea to look into NHS counselling: I will call my GP. I do find private therapy so expensive and get nervous about paying for it as I go into more or less unpaid maternity leave (I'm a freelancer and can only claim a small amount of government support).
Definitely not alone. I’m 33 weeks too and have felt much more anxious this week. So scared of something happening this late on after everything we’ve been through (4 egg collections, 6 transfers). My daughter was born after our 1st own egg cycle. I was super anxious through that pregnancy. We then had multiple failures for a 2nd and finally went egg donor. And that took three transfers with an MMC after our first.
I too have days of feeling calm and other days where I feel too scared to hope! I just keep telling myself that the odds of it all being fine are massively in our favour. But it really hard to truly enjoy this time! Xx
Hi Jen! I'm sorry you've been feeling more anxious too. It's so hard, isn't it? Whenever you feel you've calmed down and are enjoying the journey, new worries surface. I think what's not helping in my case is my husband and I have both been super busy with work and family commitments, so it's been really hard to get organised; I think that sense of messy unpreparedness makes things worse! xxx
I feel like my fertility journey has been relatively 'easy' compared to others.
But I look on in amazement at other pregnant mums that take for granted that their baby will pop out perfect....
I am filled with worry - but getting better at managing it.
Yes, I feel the same. My journey has been shorter than others so I also kind of feel guilty that I'm not managing my anxiety better—which of course isn't helpful at all! xxx
Hi! 33 weeks here as well! I feel exactly the same. Now that I've stopped working I feel even more anxious and worried about so many things. Our little girl comes after 4 rounds of Ivf and it is the 5th transfer. Yes so so worried not to lose her. I do try to relax but it is so hard, also I do pray a lot and hope everything will be ok. Goodluck to you and I hope we can talk later on about how the babies are doing! take care xxx
So sorry you’ve suffered from anxiety too, Georgya and that stopping work has given you too much time to think. I wonder if taking up a new hobby like some kind of crafting might help. I plan to make all my Christmas cards once I eventually go on mat leave. Sadly for me though I have to wait until the last minute as I’m a freelance worker, so will be pretty broke when I stop working! And yes, hopefully we’re all fine and can chat about our babies on the other side. Sending hugs! Xxx
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