25 weeks after IVF loss last year - anxiety support - what helped you through pregnancy?

[Minniemouse88]

Hello all, I hope you are all well.

It's been a while since I've posted and just hoped to reach out for some peer support and encouragement after a long IVF journey and MMC this time last year.

I'm absolutely blessed to be pregnant after our 7th and last embryo transfer. I'm doing my best to manage severe anxiety about the pregnancy and have some support from perinatal mental health team but somehow feel quite isolated and looking for peers who are or have been in a similar boat.

I find myself worrying a lot about fetal movements, my diet, exercise almost everything on a daily basis and although I'm prioritising self care and meditation I can't help but feel guilty.

Most likely this will be my only pregnancy and I want to cherish it. So...

Do any of you wonderful ladies have any tips to make life more bearable? Does anyone feel able to share they're experienced or success coming through the anxiety? Did you find any social groups helpful? And, is it all normal?

I know this is a hard thing to talk about so please feel free to skip if so.

Sending lots of love and thanks in advance xx

[CarlottaD27]

huge congratulations! Although I’m sure you feel like you can’t really celebrate until your baby is here.

My baby was born at the end of last year following two first trimester losses and the worst my mental health has ever been over the period of fertility treatment.

Naturally it’s totally personal but what helped me was

- trying to surround myself by positive and normal stories instead of fertility and loss communities as they reminded me of the things that could go wrong instead of the likely things that would go right

- buying things on vinted and nesting! Sounds counter intuitive when you’re scared of another loss but it really helped distract me and think of my baby of a real person who will enjoy these things

- giving in to the anxiety and getting that extra reassurance I needed. Yes, it seemed excessive to my friends who had had “normal” fertility journeys that I paid for extra scans and went for extra check ups to hear baby’s heartbeat but the nurses who saw me were always so kind and said that if it helped me sleep that night then it was better than me staying up worrying about movements, and it did indeed help me

Take good care xxx

[Skittles11 in reply to CarlottaD27]

This is all really good advice Minniemouse88 The other thing I would add is to always call the Maternity Helpline Team if you are ever worried about Fetal Movements. Don't ever sit there fretting if you think movements have changed x x

[Minniemouse88 in reply to Skittles11]

Thank you Skittles. Absolutely, I'm in maternity triage more than I like to check movements. It's driving me mad trying to work out baby's pattern and know when it's worrying versus normal variation. Thank you and congratulations again for your lovely baby. I know you'll be a wonderful mum too xxx

[Minniemouse88 in reply to CarlottaD27]

Thank you for sharing your advice and thoughts. Congratulations on making it through your own difficulties and on your beautiful baby. It's really good to hear I'm not alone with the mental health dip. My mental health wasn't great during IVF treatment but my goodness this is another level.

I will definitely take your advice on finding positive stories. I'm definitely nesting too on days when I can. If my anxiety is high I tend not to but always make the effort to talk and sing to baby, which makes me feel better

I've been tempted by private scans but niggle in me worries about exposing baby to thermals from ultrasounds even though I know they use the ALARA principle (I'm pretty obsessive about this sort of thing, not great, I know!) I certainly have used maternity triage and my midwife for dopplers to check movements a few times and they have always been kind as you say.

Thank you again. I bet you're a wonderful mum with all that empathy xxx

[Twiglet2]

I’m my experience you are VERY normal! I felt this way with my first son in 2020 (had a miscarriage at 6 weeks the transfer before him and a hematoma with him) and was determined that if we got pregnant again I would cherish it, but, when we did get pregnant last July it was following a missed miscarriage and several chemical pregnancies so I was actually MORE anxious than with my first!

I didn’t tell many people (no one until 10 weeks and only close family and then started telling more people 16-20weeks, every person I told felt like a stab of anxiety that I was jinxing something and making it harder when it all fell apart to tell them bad news! 🫣) I spoke to my midwife and also used a counselling service my work Ahmad available to us but it wasn’t until my wife had a really good chat with me that I managed to get a grip on my anxiety a bit. She explained that my anxiety and way I was acting was stopping her bonding with the pregnancy and getting excited, she wanted me to tell our son and go for a private scan with him at about 22 weeks so he could see his sibling in the screen (my worst nightmare how could I undo telling him if things went wrong!), my mum wanted tkt ell her friends and family and my dad and sister too but I could t bare the thought of the world knowing when I didn’t believe it would be a happy ending! but hearing that my anxiety was negatively affecting other people’s experience somehow forced me to do things I was worried about and stop being so reserved, basically let go a little bit and what will be will be type mindset. We went for that scan with my son and it was the loveliest thing ever, we did a Facebook post to let the world know and I even bought a wee baby grow in the shops about 28 weeks to let myself believe everything would be okay. I was still very anxious and did go in for reduced movement check at one point (but that what maternity triage is there for 👌🏻) but I did also get to enjoy some things about the pregnancy. I was still sitting awake at night worrying sometimes but sleep got a bit easier too.

I’m not going to sugar coat it I was anxious and had worried thoughts that everything would go wrong, right up until the final push of labour and I finally heard him crying but there were defo nicer times in my pregnancy once I let go a bit for the sake of others or actually stated to rub off on me!

One thing I would add is despite my anxiety in both pregnancies the moment they are born it is all completely worth it and didn’t affect my instant love and bond and happiness I felt holding them in my arms- of course a whole other bunch of anxiety then starts 🤣 (poking them constant to check they’re breathing, is that poo the right colour etc etc 🤭) so ‘enjoying’ pregnancy isn’t essential and it’s defo not like the movies especially for us IVF’ers but I found pushing myself to do things to prepare for the baby being here (rather than thinks about the pregnancy) did help me push through some of the anxiety but also get the private scans( which are totally fine unless the baby is being scanned for hours every day there is no risk here I’ve asked insulators this several times 🤣) , ask for the traces if you feel anxious about movement do whatever it takes to give yourself a wee bit of relief from anxiety even if just for a few days.

Ps I’m very excited for you 🤗💜 xx