25 weeks after IVF loss last year - anxiety support - what helped you through pregnancy?

[Minniemouse88]

Hello all, I hope you are all well.

It's been a while since I've posted and just hoped to reach out for some peer support and encouragement after a long IVF journey and MMC this time last year.

I'm absolutely blessed to be pregnant after our 7th and last embryo transfer. I'm doing my best to manage severe anxiety about the pregnancy and have some support from perinatal mental health team but somehow feel quite isolated and looking for peers who are or have been in a similar boat.

I find myself worrying a lot about fetal movements, my diet, exercise almost everything on a daily basis and although I'm prioritising self care and meditation I can't help but feel guilty.

Most likely this will be my only pregnancy and I want to cherish it. So...

Do any of you wonderful ladies have any tips to make life more bearable? Does anyone feel able to share they're experienced or success coming through the anxiety? Did you find any social groups helpful? And, is it all normal?

I know this is a hard thing to talk about so please feel free to skip if so.

Sending lots of love and thanks in advance xx

[CarlottaD27]

huge congratulations! Although I’m sure you feel like you can’t really celebrate until your baby is here.

My baby was born at the end of last year following two first trimester losses and the worst my mental health has ever been over the period of fertility treatment.

Naturally it’s totally personal but what helped me was

- trying to surround myself by positive and normal stories instead of fertility and loss communities as they reminded me of the things that could go wrong instead of the likely things that would go right

- buying things on vinted and nesting! Sounds counter intuitive when you’re scared of another loss but it really helped distract me and think of my baby of a real person who will enjoy these things

- giving in to the anxiety and getting that extra reassurance I needed. Yes, it seemed excessive to my friends who had had “normal” fertility journeys that I paid for extra scans and went for extra check ups to hear baby’s heartbeat but the nurses who saw me were always so kind and said that if it helped me sleep that night then it was better than me staying up worrying about movements, and it did indeed help me

Take good care xxx

[Skittles11 in reply to CarlottaD27]

This is all really good advice Minniemouse88 The other thing I would add is to always call the Maternity Helpline Team if you are ever worried about Fetal Movements. Don't ever sit there fretting if you think movements have changed x x

[Minniemouse88 in reply to Skittles11]

Thank you Skittles. Absolutely, I'm in maternity triage more than I like to check movements. It's driving me mad trying to work out baby's pattern and know when it's worrying versus normal variation. Thank you and congratulations again for your lovely baby. I know you'll be a wonderful mum too xxx

[Minniemouse88 in reply to CarlottaD27]

Thank you for sharing your advice and thoughts. Congratulations on making it through your own difficulties and on your beautiful baby. It's really good to hear I'm not alone with the mental health dip. My mental health wasn't great during IVF treatment but my goodness this is another level.

I will definitely take your advice on finding positive stories. I'm definitely nesting too on days when I can. If my anxiety is high I tend not to but always make the effort to talk and sing to baby, which makes me feel better

I've been tempted by private scans but niggle in me worries about exposing baby to thermals from ultrasounds even though I know they use the ALARA principle (I'm pretty obsessive about this sort of thing, not great, I know!) I certainly have used maternity triage and my midwife for dopplers to check movements a few times and they have always been kind as you say.

Thank you again. I bet you're a wonderful mum with all that empathy xxx

[Twiglet2]

I’m my experience you are VERY normal! I felt this way with my first son in 2020 (had a miscarriage at 6 weeks the transfer before him and a hematoma with him) and was determined that if we got pregnant again I would cherish it, but, when we did get pregnant last July it was following a missed miscarriage and several chemical pregnancies so I was actually MORE anxious than with my first!

I didn’t tell many people (no one until 10 weeks and only close family and then started telling more people 16-20weeks, every person I told felt like a stab of anxiety that I was jinxing something and making it harder when it all fell apart to tell them bad news! 🫣) I spoke to my midwife and also used a counselling service my work Ahmad available to us but it wasn’t until my wife had a really good chat with me that I managed to get a grip on my anxiety a bit. She explained that my anxiety and way I was acting was stopping her bonding with the pregnancy and getting excited, she wanted me to tell our son and go for a private scan with him at about 22 weeks so he could see his sibling in the screen (my worst nightmare how could I undo telling him if things went wrong!), my mum wanted tkt ell her friends and family and my dad and sister too but I could t bare the thought of the world knowing when I didn’t believe it would be a happy ending! but hearing that my anxiety was negatively affecting other people’s experience somehow forced me to do things I was worried about and stop being so reserved, basically let go a little bit and what will be will be type mindset. We went for that scan with my son and it was the loveliest thing ever, we did a Facebook post to let the world know and I even bought a wee baby grow in the shops about 28 weeks to let myself believe everything would be okay. I was still very anxious and did go in for reduced movement check at one point (but that what maternity triage is there for 👌🏻) but I did also get to enjoy some things about the pregnancy. I was still sitting awake at night worrying sometimes but sleep got a bit easier too.

I’m not going to sugar coat it I was anxious and had worried thoughts that everything would go wrong, right up until the final push of labour and I finally heard him crying but there were defo nicer times in my pregnancy once I let go a bit for the sake of others or actually stated to rub off on me!

One thing I would add is despite my anxiety in both pregnancies the moment they are born it is all completely worth it and didn’t affect my instant love and bond and happiness I felt holding them in my arms- of course a whole other bunch of anxiety then starts 🤣 (poking them constant to check they’re breathing, is that poo the right colour etc etc 🤭) so ‘enjoying’ pregnancy isn’t essential and it’s defo not like the movies especially for us IVF’ers but I found pushing myself to do things to prepare for the baby being here (rather than thinks about the pregnancy) did help me push through some of the anxiety but also get the private scans( which are totally fine unless the baby is being scanned for hours every day there is no risk here I’ve asked insulators this several times 🤣) , ask for the traces if you feel anxious about movement do whatever it takes to give yourself a wee bit of relief from anxiety even if just for a few days.

Ps I’m very excited for you 🤗💜 xx

[Minniemouse88 in reply to Twiglet2]

Thank you so much for all your support and encouragement. It makes such a difference having support from people who know about the struggle. I'll take lots from your post and read it over a few times when things feel overwhelming. Xxx

[Twiglet2 in reply to Minniemouse88]

I did the exact same with posts and people advice on here too! It’s like the folk here really get it as much as others try if they haven’t lived it it’s hard for people to understand I think xx

[Minniemouse88 in reply to Twiglet2]

Absolutely. I have a few colleagues at work who are pregnant without any complications and my experience feels miles apart from theirs, which sometimes makes me sad but in other times, I think that perhaps we value the small moments more. Who knows? Thank you xx

[Rjfguitfg]

Congratulations!! Absolutely normal! I had a second trimester loss and it took two years and three transfers to get pregnant again. I would have had a high risk pregnancy regardless but it was heightened even more because we ended up with twins! I had weekly scans, had to take meds, limit my movement and abstain from intercourse. It was a stressful time to say the least. But I surrounded myself with positive friends and family and tried not to talk about the high risk of it all. I also allowed myself to eat a lot (which I needed to anyways haha), binge watch tv shows and let others care for me. I also looked at my growing bump in our full length mirror everyday multiple times a day and let myself enjoy my growing body. I now have two beautiful girls who were born early but are home and thriving.

The pregnancy will be stressful regardless but take joy in the small moments when you can and that will help guide you through. Also take photos of yourself! That’s something I didn’t do that I regret now.

[Minniemouse88 in reply to Rjfguitfg]

Congratulations and thank you so much for this. Yes, small moments are what I live for and cherish xxx

[EjHack]

Hi Minnie,

I had the same anxiety and every scan and intervention was a complete rollercoaster of fear! My best support came from EMDR with the mental health team for trauma loss and was also able to then have an allocated midwife in the community for continuity. She was the best and made my pregnancy. After every scan, I had an appointment with her after to ask EVERY single question I could think of. When I went in for GD testing twice (my biggest fear!!) she called the clinic at 8:15am to talk me through and booked appointments after. You can request an allocated midwife as well considering that you are under the MH Team.

With the MH Team - I had a lot of anxiety fear and worry I found was from my unprocessed trauma. They also offered couple counselling which we took them up on and convinced my partner after years to get the support he needed.

They were my lifeline through this and post birth. I am so very grateful for what I was offered. I do hope you get the same a* service!

They also have some peer support groups as well which were really good but I just found it all too overwhelming.

Tiredness replaces the worry on the other side! Xxx

[Minniemouse88 in reply to EjHack]

Thank you. The service you got sounds ideal. I'm getting support from various places but find I have to keep asking rather than having regular scheduled appointments. I think I'll ask if they can set up something for me regularly to help me through xxx

[EjHack]

As a MH professional as well as someone that has been a patient, I wound advise that you ask the perinatalMH team to speak to their MH midwife. They can then liaise with your midwifery team to ensure that you get an allocated midwife. Xxx

[Minniemouse88 in reply to EjHack]

Thank you, I'll do that xx

[Tnthketnf]

I could have written this post, in fact I think I wrote a similar one. All the advice above is great. I used private scans the maternity triage, spoke to rhe midwife and got referred to a perinatal psychological service. I had to make an effort to buy things for the baby, attend antenatal classes but these things gave me some much needed positivity. In the end I had a complication which meant that my baby had to arrive earlier. She was safe and well and that's the most important thing but I do feel that the pregnancy being shorter after all the anxiety and worries made me feel thar I didn't have the opportunity to enjoy this time. And I wish I had because post birth you have all the other worries...

[Minniemouse88 in reply to Tnthketnf]

So lovely to have your response and thank you for normalising how I feel. Makes such a difference xxx

[WillowPark]

Hi Minniemouse88, you are completely normal. I dealt with it differently and completely shut off from the fact I was having a baby. I just couldn't deal with imagining the end goal in sight as I was convinced something was going to go wrong and the magnitude of that once I had a positive test was too much to deal with. Instead I did what I had done through the IVF treatments and I broke down the pregnancy and took each day and each milestone as a goal. "Today I am pregnant and I am 25+3, I have made it to the viability week. That is a step in the right direction.". "Today I am 34 weeks, and I should pack my labour bag. That is further than I thought we would get." Etc etc. Even: "Today, I am in labour. I have made it to labour. Woohoo." 🤣 I also made a point of recognising and timing movements positively - "that was a kick, baby is still growing at 22+2 at 3.15pm'". It definitely got me through without some of the crippling doubt and helped deal with intrusive thoughts, and I was able to enjoy being pregnant. I was a bit worried I wasn't bonding with the baby and I had a distinct lack of baby clothes as I couldn't cope with buying them, but now she is here I haven't had any issues falling in love with her 🥰 xx

[Minniemouse88 in reply to WillowPark]

Absolutely with you on the milestone checking. I'm trying not to wish the time away but 37 weeks would be nice to get to, although I will probably then transfer the worry to labour. I also find the buying part difficult. Fortunately I'm waiting on a few hand me downs from family and friends and say to myself that hopefully if baby arrives safe and well, I can enjoy buying them (or maybe just 24/7 worrying about them more likely!). Thank you xx

[WillowPark in reply to Minniemouse88]

37 weeks is a great milestone! And labour is genuinely nothing to worry about - infertility and IVF is infinitely more difficult. You will be fine 🙂 Just try to remember that statistically your baby should arrive safe and well. Wishing you the best of luck!! xx