My partner misses out

[filous]

Hey, hope everyone's doing ok.

I just wanted to see what people's experience is of their partner's missing out socially because of their own pain.

For example, we have a family gathering that's not happened for years tomorrow night. I've just started on amitriptyline to try and help with pain, but I am so woozy taking them. I'm sleeping around 16 hours a day.

Thinking about mingling and meeting some new people is making me anxious because I'm so exhausted. I'm also very teary. I wish I hadn't started these new meds because I would have managed otherwise. Being 'supportive' my husband says if I can't go then he doesn't go either. I know he's being kind but he could still go with his daughter. I feel I have to try and force myself to go so they don't miss out. The family will be disappointed (it's his family's gathering) if they don't go.

It's a minefield. I would really push myself if I could, but if I'm like this tomorrow I can't. Then I'm riddled with guilt because he says we're a unit and he can't go in good conscience knowing I'm not ok at home (although he has to leave me when he goes to work). Not sure how to handle it really.

Thanks x

[GreenViolin]

Hi there. It's always so difficult, so I understand your predicament. My husband and I have reached an understanding that if I'm not up to something that doesn't mean he can't do it, and that takes the pressure of both of us. It works the other way too - he has RED-s, so often is too exhausted to do anything in the evenings, but that doesn't stop me doing it if I want to. That said, it took us a good few years to reach this understanding! All I can say is be open with him about what works best from your perspective, and encourage him to do the same.

I found amitriptyline difficult too, so can empathise. Ultimately it didn't help my pain so I came off it, but we've got to be open to trying different solutions given there is so little research to indicate what might work in different situations!

Thinking of you x

[filous in reply to GreenViolin]

ahh thanks for the reply. It is difficult because I really want him to go so he doesn't miss out and I don't feel bad, but he wants to stay so he doesn't feel bad leaving me :/ it all comes from a good place I know. I'm lucky he cares but.. you know.. sometimes it's too much to pretend everything's ok.

I'm on amitryptyline because of tissue damage after my excision so trying anything and everything.

[Bexn87]

Honelstly let go of the guilt you cannot help it or control the situation. Your absolutely right if you still feel this way you can’t go imagine feeling how you are now and being there with all those people you’d end up leaving or passing out so accept that is not your fault. If your husband wants to stay with you that’s lovely of him and also his choice I know it’s missing out but your leath is more important. I’ve missed so many oattties these last few weeks due to being in a flare up and it’s disappointing but once it’s passed you start to forget about it. Take care sending lots of love x

[filous in reply to Bexn87]

xx