Defined by my Endo

I would just like to make it clear, that this post is not about calling my boyfriend...

Just before Christmas, tickets for The Stone Roses comeback tour went on sale. It's my boyfriend's favourite band, and I wanted to go with him. I do like their music, but my main reason for going was because I feel like I drag him down a lot, with my issues. With my endo pains and other symptoms, anxiety with social situations, and depression. I feel like I always hold him back from things, because I have a small comfort zone, that I tend not to venture out of. But I know this concert means a lot to my boyfriend, so I put all my worries aside and told him I would go with him.

Being realistic, a concert is not the place for me right now. Everything about a concert is something I can't cope with. The pushing crowds of people, the long hours of standing... everything about it. But because I wanted to do something that isn't the usual boring me, I ignored my instincts. And finally, my boyfriend had to come to the conclusion himself that he has worries about me going to the concert. I feel bad that I've been lying to myself and it's taken my boyfriend to make me hear his concerned words to bring me to realisation.

I feel like I always bring a negative presence with me, so all I wanted was to see my boyfriend happy and share this experience with him. He will remember this concert for the rest of his life, and I would love to be included in that memory, but to be honest, if I did go, I would probably taint the memory for him. He doesn't want to be worrying about me for the whole concert. He doesn't want to worry about if I've got pains, or if I feel uncomfortable around all the people. He wants to enjoy himself. And if I felt like I had to leave, he would have to come with me. And I don't want to ruin it for him. So after a discussion, we've decided that it'll be too much for me and I won't be going with him.

I feel disappointed with myself. I wanted him to be proud of me for going out of my comfort zone. I don't do much lately, so I wanted to give him a reason to be proud of me. But maybe it wouldn't have turned out as perfect as it did in my imagination. I was stupid for thinking I could handle it, despite my worries. And part of me still wishes that I was going with him. But I know it's not right for me.

12 Replies

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  • Awww hun, I feel your pain, I'm exactly the same. You could still be part of his memory, wanna know what I would do?

    You could meet up after the concert for a meal and a drink.

    You could plan a romantic night at home when he gets back, be adventurous, maybe some kinky time... You could have a quiet night, bath, meds, and some really nice, flowing silky underwear and a dominant you (may be a better convo in private :/)

    Things haven't got to be spoilt (in your mind) he's gonna have an amazing time with a male friend and you could have a girls night in, PJs, movies, DVDs. 

    If I'm totally honest my bf would much prefer the sex.

    Listen, your not alone when it comes down to it compromise is key. I hope this helps xx

  • Haha thanks for your reply :) We had planned on getting a hotel and staying a few nights, then exploring Manchester. But because we left it too late, hotel prices are now at £400 -which we weren't too happy with. So we might as well leave the hotel plan for another time. Without me being there, my boyfriend will go out for the night after the concert, then come home on the train in the early morning. Something like that would be the end of me haha And he was meeting up with friends there anyway, so I suppose it's best if I'm not there being a killjoy.

    We've decided that we'll plan to do something, like go somewhere that I'm comfortable with. So we can both enjoy ourselves, and it's not as important to him as this concert is, so maybe it won't matter as much if I am ill.

    Though I still can't help feeling bad. I wish I could do more for him. He enjoys going out and socialising, and that's my worst nightmare, so we always tone down the socialising when we're together. He's happy that I tried to push myself for him, but it's sensible to start off small and work my way up. Going to a concert was probably a bit too much for me to handle at the moment.

    And at least he knows and understands me. While I was stupid enough to ignore my worries, he knows what I'm comfortable with and what I'm not. So he doesn't want to push my limits too far :)

  • Hi Hun, I think it was a very selfless gesture on your part to put him first and I'm sure he'll appreciate that. But I'm also sure that he would want what is best for you. So don't be so hard on yourself. You'll get through this Hun. Take care and remember I'm here if you need me.

  • Thank you. Yeah, he was happy that I was going out of my comfort zone to see him happy. But we both know it's a bit too much so soon for me. He said he felt selfish and like he was nocking my confidence by telling me that I can't do it. But I don't blame him. He was being realistic. I just wish I hadn't put him in that position to have to remind me of my limits.

    I just hate being defined by my endo, anxiety and depression, but I guess doing something like that isn't the answer. No matter how much I wish I was the type of girlfriend to go out to all these places with him and socialise.

    But I guess he likes me for me, even though I'm not too keen on myself at the moment.

    But we've sorted it, so I guess it's alright and I'll just have to take smaller steps when it comes to breaking out of my comfort zone :)

  • That's it Hun one step at a time , you'll get there. Of course he likes you for who you are , why wouldn't he. He has good taste and knows when he has someone worth fighting for. You just need to keep reminding yourself that you are strong and will win the fight even if it takes a while.

  • Aw thanks :)

  • I'm pretty sure he's proud of you for handling Endo like a trooper. He still gets to go and that's thanks to you.

    it is life changing, it changes who you are and what you can do. But the good people stick with us, because we're worth having x

  • Aw yeah. Thank you so much for your comment :)

  • Hey there I'm going to the Sunday night concert so at least you'll know there's someone else there in the same boat as you. I'm gonna dose up on codeine and keep my fingers crossed I'm not having a bad flare up. Enjoy. X

  • I'm no longer going to the concert. Aside from my endo symptoms, there are other things that could ruin the night. And to be honest, I don't think a concert is the right place for me at the moment. But I hope you are pain free and have a good time :)

  • Just an update... When we decided that I won't be going to the concert, I said to my boyfriend that we'll have to do something that we can both do and we will both enjoy. Something not so difficult for me to do. Yesterday, he came up with the idea of getting a hotel somewhere next week. And he'd actually booked it that night. He won't tell me where it is or what it's like. So that should be a nice surprise and definitely something I can cope with :)

  • Oh Hun that's sounds wonderful and I really hope you both have a lovely time, you both deserve it. 

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