I would just like to make it clear, that this post is not about calling my boyfriend...
Just before Christmas, tickets for The Stone Roses comeback tour went on sale. It's my boyfriend's favourite band, and I wanted to go with him. I do like their music, but my main reason for going was because I feel like I drag him down a lot, with my issues. With my endo pains and other symptoms, anxiety with social situations, and depression. I feel like I always hold him back from things, because I have a small comfort zone, that I tend not to venture out of. But I know this concert means a lot to my boyfriend, so I put all my worries aside and told him I would go with him.
Being realistic, a concert is not the place for me right now. Everything about a concert is something I can't cope with. The pushing crowds of people, the long hours of standing... everything about it. But because I wanted to do something that isn't the usual boring me, I ignored my instincts. And finally, my boyfriend had to come to the conclusion himself that he has worries about me going to the concert. I feel bad that I've been lying to myself and it's taken my boyfriend to make me hear his concerned words to bring me to realisation.
I feel like I always bring a negative presence with me, so all I wanted was to see my boyfriend happy and share this experience with him. He will remember this concert for the rest of his life, and I would love to be included in that memory, but to be honest, if I did go, I would probably taint the memory for him. He doesn't want to be worrying about me for the whole concert. He doesn't want to worry about if I've got pains, or if I feel uncomfortable around all the people. He wants to enjoy himself. And if I felt like I had to leave, he would have to come with me. And I don't want to ruin it for him. So after a discussion, we've decided that it'll be too much for me and I won't be going with him.
I feel disappointed with myself. I wanted him to be proud of me for going out of my comfort zone. I don't do much lately, so I wanted to give him a reason to be proud of me. But maybe it wouldn't have turned out as perfect as it did in my imagination. I was stupid for thinking I could handle it, despite my worries. And part of me still wishes that I was going with him. But I know it's not right for me.