I have stage 4 endo and have recently been diagnosed with adenomyosis amongst some other health complaints. I've had 4 laparoscopies and am due to have an open surgery with a few surgeons involved next year.
We had a chance to try for a family in 2012 but we weren't in a good position financially. Since sept 2012 I've always been awaiting surgery, in recovery or on prostap. We were told after the last surgery that - provided my review appt went ok I'd be able to come off the pill and try. We got married and the review came a few days after - they found adeno on the ultrasound and instead of everything we'd planned for I'm back on the waiting list again. A month ago I had another appointment and finally they agreed I should probably come off the pill and start trying despite the risk of things getting worse pain wise.
I haven't told anyone about this because I don't want to face getting asked if we're pregnant yet at every opportunity...
I feel a tremendous sense of loss at not being able to enjoy the first six months of my marriage, instead taking in the shock of something else being wrong and pain being awful. Since being off the pill I'm very nauseous, the pain isn't as constant but is more stabby and severe, it's difficult to walk far. Sex is ok at the tiI me but I'm a mess in the days after so it's hard to encourage my husband to essentially hurt me again.
To get to the point, a number of friends are now pregnant and I feel I can't be around all the bumps and pregnancy talk. Partly because it makes me think about what I'm stressed about and partly I have to lie that I'm ok, if I talk about what's actually going on for us I start crying. I don't want to take the edge of any friends celebration or be unsupportive but I need to look after myself too.
I've honestly never felt as inadequate and even feel embarrassed as with time going on it's becoming more and more obvious to the outside world that I can't function like a normal woman. The worst of it is when feelings like this crop up I feel like I'm letting my husband down and it actually hurts emotionally to be near him.
I know you all must feel the same sense of alienation when you're lying with hot water bottles, high on painkillers.
I miss feeling aligned with my friends, it's so difficult to relate at the moment.
Do any of you have any tips to be able to cope with this sort of situation better?