Help me I just want to be a mum!

I'm beginning to hate the sound of my own voice complaining about how fertile the rest of the female race seems to be compared to me. Does anyone have experience of getting pregnant with this awful condition? A friend even said she was 'jealous' that I don't have to 'worry' about contraception! I haven't been on any for 3 years and we have no joy. Following a lap in September my periods are much more regular but so heavy and unbearably painful- and I won't have the pill while TTC.

My husband and I just don't know where to turn :(

13 Replies

  • I've been in pain for seven years now, I lost my right Fallopian tube 4 years ago, and last June I gave birth to my beautiful baby girl! So there is hope, don't give up. Why don't u ask if u and ur partner can got some fertility tests done? Fingers crossed for u both, but It can happen, however I do understand I have been very lucky! Keep positive x

  • I was given a 2% chance we never thought I'd carry full term & beat the odds but it did. It took years and years but I now have a gorgeous little boy. Don't give up hope I know how hard it is x

  • I'm stage 4 and I had to go down the ivf route after 5 years of trying and two surgeries - endometriomas stopped my ovaries working. It worked first time (my nhs freebie). Pregnancy was monitored closely - some discomfort due to adhesions, but all went fine and I have a gorgeous 2 yr old.

    Try not to slap too many of the people who tell you to 'relax'. (Although if you do, give them one from me)

    Good luck x

  • Worrying it won't happen is understandable - but do try and make alternative plans as well for a future without having your own baby. It sure is not the end of the world when you cannot have one for yourself.

    For so many of us that is the reality. There is of course a bereavement grieving process to get through, but you really do get out of life what you put in to it. If you love kids, then work with kids, volunteer with kids, help as many as you can, teach them new skills, take them on outings to give their own parents a much needed break.

    Not only will this help you in so many ways, it helps the kids too. There is much to learn about caring for kids and good parenting - and you certainly do not have to be a parent yourself to acquire these skills and make good use of them, raising the next generations.

    Hope is one thing - and while there is hope you can cling to that, but don't become so heavily wrapped up in that being the "be all and end all" of your existance on earth.

    Kids are born and raised and move on out. All kids need caring and trustworthy Aunties and adult friends in addition to their own parents. You can have a just as if not more fulfilling life without kids of your own. Kids are kids, no matter their biological parentage. They need support, guidance, care, nurturing, educating, entertaining, and so on. They need trustworthy adults to show them a great example of good behaviour.

    It may not be your 'luck' to become a biological parent. It isn't for everyone, but that only means scrapping plan A and there are still so many other options available plans B,C,D,E etc.If you make alternative plans you do have something else to aim for. If you put all your efforts only in to plan A, and don't consider any other back up life plans, it will be all the harder when the time comes to let go of plan A and have nothing at all else to think about.

    3 Children in every average class room cannot become biological parents. 10% of the population are no going to have their own kids. If you ctully trced your family tree back several generations - you will soon realised just how any men and women, the brothers nd sisters of your direct ancestors did not get married or if they did, did not have children.

    And compared to them you actually have a far higher chance of success what with IVF techniques and drugs to boost ova production and so on.

    I won't lie and say you will be successful - I hope you are- but by the same token my advice is start to think about how else you can still care for kids in the event you re not successful.

    working in clubs brownies, scouts, after schoolclubs, sport clubs, drama, craft clubs, child care, baby sitting, volunteering at local schools - they are always desperate for volunteers to help with literacy and other target areas.

    Respite care provision for disabled children, foster care, adoption - or if you cannot face other people's kids then take on animal caring - puppy walking for guide dogs, and other working dogs. Fostering rescued animals.

    Or at the other end of the spectrum - helping the senior citizens in our communities. Helpig with their everyday tasks and days out that they can no longer cope with without help.

    They may also not have been able to have their own children to care for them in old age and be more than thrilled to have the companionship of someone younger and more mobile to help them out.

    For yourself - you can join clubs on all manner of subjects which are of interest to you. Broaden your own horizons and skills through meeting other people with similar interests to youself. You don't have to drag your partner along - if it's not something they are interested in. It allows each of you to have outside hobbies to keep you from getting wrapped up the the boredom of domestic life.

    The strangest fact of all is just how many times mother nature steps in and creates pregnancy when you do stop fretting about things and start planning for a different life.

    And if she doesn't present you with miracle you still have worthwhile adventures to be taking your mind off things.

  • I agree with you Impatient. I know I have been lucky, but my step mother in law was not allowed to have children because of my selfish father in law. ( long story), but she is the most wonderful Granny and step Mum. If it is meant to be it will be, just keep life flowing in yourself and you never know. ;0)

  • Thank you for all your words of encouragement, I just feel so alone sometimes and it feels like there are people with children everywhere!

    So right about wanting to slap people telling me to 'relax' and 'just enjoy sex'. Makes me want to cry- I already feel like I'm letting my husband down.

    It is so good to read other peoples stories on here and feel the support. I think it's time for a trip back to the gynae. X

  • I know everyone's situation will be completely different and I suppose it also depends where your endo is. I tried for nine months, had a lap (more for pain than for fertility at the time) and was lucky enough to conceive immediately after. The consultant told me I had a lot of endo lasered and adhesions released. A lot of it was in those fibres between the ovary and Fallopian tube, which meant it was harder for my egg to get to my Fallopian tubes to be fertilised.

    I realise I'm lucky, but like the person above said, you need to think about the alternative if it doesn't happen. Me and my partner had long chats after I was first diagnosed with endometriosis and I felt much more in control as a result. Keep trying, but don't put your life on hold. There are many routes to happiness. Wishing you the outcome you want.

  • Bride2be

    First of all you are NOT letting your husband down. You can not help having Endo !

    Endometriosis can cause problems with fertility. It means you have to be very proactive in your treatment. Read up all you can (my favourite book is called endometriosis FOR DUMMIES), get as much information as you can from endometriosis uk and come on this forum and get support. (We also have a laugh sometimes!)

    I've had Endo (my friendly allien) for over 20 years. I also have PCOS which also causes fertility problems. I was told at 21 to have children ASAP, because the Endo and PCOS could make having babies difficult (not impossible).

    Well with the help of laser surgery, ovarian drilling and fertility drugs, I had five pregnancies. Sadly two of these pregnancies ended in miscarriages but I have had three successful pregnancies and my three wonderful children are now 20, 17 and 13.

    Please don't despair. Having endometrosis doesn't automatically stop you having a family, it just means you may need a little help.


  • Thank you cuddlybarb. I hope you had a lovely Mother's Day!

    I just feel more frustrated the longer it goes on and the constant pain does not help. It sounds strange but it feels like my ovaries and my womb reminding me that they are there! I was also diagnosed with PCOS in 2012 and was on the metformin for a while but came off on docs advice due to the side effects out weighing the positives. I know I just have to be patient and I think I just let it take over my life as I feel like its so easy for other people (I know that's not true). Every period and negative pregnancy test feels like a kick in the face! I know in my heart that it will happen one day.

    This forum really does help X

  • Hi bride to be

    Just read your posts and can empathise with how you're feeling. My husband and I have been trying for a baby now for 7 years. 7 years with 3 laps to remove endo cysts and adhesions and a scan booked for next Tuesday as my pain levels suggest the cysts have made a come back. During this time we went to a fertility clinic only to discover that my husband has an extremely low, immobile sperm count. If looks like we may have to look at alternative routes but there's still that tiny bit of me that thinks we still have hope...and that hurts. Mother's Day was a toughie, particularly as the inlaws couldn't understand why I was so upset. I feel like having a baby is something that I should be able to do and I hate the lack of control and feelings of failure that I have. Every month is an emotional roller coaster that results in the devastation of having a period and the fact they're so painful is like another kick in the teeth. Everyone around me seems to be pregnant or having babies and it just feels so unfair at times, especially as they all seem much younger. It feels like it's not much to ask for. I try not to talk about it as I worry that I'm 'moaning' about the same thing all the time and don't want to be self pitying (tho that's hard to believe considering my post!!) Being on this site gives me hope and definitely makes me feel not so alone. It also reminds me that others have had it much worse than me. I hope that it helps you in some way too :-)

  • Hi,

    It took me four years to get pregnant with my son who is five and we kind of came to the conclusion that we would be lucky to have the one little monkey and probably no more, I have had a further three ops since his birth, I also see an osteopath who helps to free up organs through some kind of manipulation, I saw her about two months before I conceived my son and she said I was quite squashed inside from where the endo had stuck bits together, i saw her a couple of times that month and was pregnant the next month, coincidence or not I am not sure but it made sense, recently I had a bowel resection because of my endo- had the op mid November 2013, not only has it stopped the pain but i am now 2 months pregnant, still early days but the fact everything works is brilliant so dont give up!! Xx

  • Hi there, I am lucky and had 2 boys, but the pregnancies were very painful. I followed a vegetarian diet and took herbs from Jill Davies a herbalist in Norwich for about 6 months before I started trying. If I am honest I love my children to bits, but with what is going on in today's world i worry for them what kind of future they will have. The stress is always there, but I also have 2 very good friends! I appreciate this, but when I think of them at my age I am worried sick how they might struggle. I wasn't thinking about this when I wanted to get pregnant. :0(

    Good luck

  • Thank you ladies. It's good to feel like I'm not alone with how I'm feeling. Sh0equeen- I totally know what you mean about it feeling like other people having babies. It feels like every woman (and teenager) I walk past is pushing a pram.

    I honestly don't think the media/ retail industry help. They basically go on about motherhood as if those of us with no children aren't as important to the world and that because people have kids they have more right to everything! I'm so sorry for ranting and I do love my friends who have kids dearly- it's just tough.

    We will keep trying though! Hugs to all x

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