Why Can't I leave him?!

I have no idea why I can't just leave my boyfriend, I just don't want to. I even moved away for almost a year to try and forget him and then just came straight back to him. I think he is like brainwashing me or something. He's told me things are my fault i'm a slag I'm a liar. I'm not as good as his ex or even as good as one of his female "friends" that he sent messages to telling her how much he cares about her and want's to take her clothes off. I didn't even mention that. Icing on the cake started a fight with my father. and then It's my fault im insecure and I should get help and change because it isn't fair on him?! I require the least amount of effort for a girlfriend ever in history. I do anything he says. If I even start a conversation he doesn't feel like having he will just brush it off and say "Boring" I'm not saying I didn't need help before he came along but I need it even more so now. Why have I always had boyfriends be nasty to me? It can't be normal? I know how it will end already. He will find an excuse to leave me maybe I'm never happy/ I don't have enough energy/Im a liar/He doesn't trust me - Basically anything that deems me not good enough for him. He does all this in such a way I honestly believe it might be me that is the problem and I have a strange perception on things. Honestly this man will be the death of me. He is destroying everything but I don't want to leave him.

21 Replies

  • I wish I could come and give you a hug. You know what you need to do and you know why you need to do it but having the confidence and determination to do it is another matter altogether isn't it? No one can tell you to leave him because until you want to do it for your own reasons, you can't hear what people are telling you xx

  • Hey hun,

    Im in a very similar situation to you, i love my boyfriend so much and do want to be with him but hes so horrible sometimes i wish id never met him or my feelings would go. He sounds similar, controlling and manipulative....everythings my fault and everything i do is so bad. Hes so selfish and had a go at me being depressed cos i didnt concider how it was for him, meaning he should have to go out with and put up with someone who is depressed cos its no fun for him. Its so hurtful to hear things like this from the person we love. Ive learnt from counselling that my expectations and what he gives me are very far apart. i dont expect alot like you and im not high mantience i just expect thoughtfulness and caring. so it hurts when we dont get that. even more so cos i have to help him through his paranoia....dont think he trusts me with the things he asks me or says to me. Like you ive never been in a happy relationship, i hear about it but i cant imagine it and i have nothing to compare it to. so it becomes like the norm. My 1st boyfriend was immature and horrible and after years of putting up with it my feelings changed and i realised i didnt love him anymore, i was the one who wasnt bothered and he was the one gutted, he still is now really and its been 5 years....thats karma for ya! i told him he was the one that had done this to me and basically i had to make my heart turn to stone so i was less and less hurt by the things he did.

    its horrible cos you know what you should do, you should leave him just as i should but i know i wouldnt be able to cope with it at the min. things are better at the min but its like i live in fear of an argument or saying the wrong thing, its tiring and draining and its had this affect on me. the sad thing is id do anything for him to make him happy but he wont do the same for me.

    Have you asked your boyfriend why does he actually want to be with you if "your not as good as his ex"?....thats a discusting thing to say to someone and i dont no if id be able to forgive that.


  • I said to him when he said about how his ex was better than me Well why don't you get back with her then? His only answer was Yeah I've been thinking about it. Then when he is in a nice mood and I said You wonder why I get insecure when you say things like that, and he just laughs and says yeah I shouldn't of said that. Like I'm just whatever to him. He makes it very clear that he doesn't need me and he can be quite happy without me. If I try and talk about anything he doesn't want to he will somehow turn it in to an argument. He's said much worse things. Like why do you think you don't have any friends and never have lasting relationships? Because you aren't worth it. I don't even fight for myself. I just live on the edge in case in asks me a question and I don't give the right answer. If I ever pull him up on any behaviour its just not important to him, I guess because he knows I won't leave. He has such a good front though unless you actually know him you would love him.

  • This all sounds very similar, my fella puts me down about doing a masters degree, says "do you think your special or something cos your doing that? your not" or "do you think your intelligent cos your doing a masters, cos your not". ive never made out once im special or anything, i really struggle with the work.

    I stopped fighting for myself too. and im the same, im always thinking what if this happens or what if i say this, how will he respond, will he not like it? will he make me feel guilty?

    if i ever say anything about his behaviour he just turns it round on me and then ive caused the argument and its all my fault.

    How would you feel if you split up? we have nearly split up before and i cried until we sorted it out. i just couldnt cope with it.

    Its hard to know what a nice relationship might be like isnt it? x

  • Hi

    I'm sorry to sound harsh, but your boyfriend is abusive and you let yourself be abused by him which indicates that you are used to being treated badly. Perhaps you were put down emotionally within your family in your earlier life. If you are able to face the abuse in your past you will be able to stop going back for more. Sue

  • Hi

    Put the boot on the other foot, If one of your best friends had a boyfriend like that what advice would you offer her? Would you say get out you deserve to be treated better? You deserve better love think about it, there is a Mr Right out there for you.

    Good Luck

  • what you need to do is Lead Him On.... Tell him he is everything and you love to treat him well ....and when he responds You dump him .

    Example:He says something offending like" my ex was so much better "You say I know I wish I was like her ." What can I do to be like her ?

    Then he says something like you can never be like her and you make him a promise like "ok I promise you I try so hard to be like her" .You make a date with him and then you never show up, text or email back You just disappear !!!!Be strong and make your plan and don't look back again... GIRLPOWER!!!

  • That would be a way to do it if it was a normal person! But I moved country to get away from this guy so i could move on and he found me! That is why I don't understand how he is. If you chase somebody to another country you cant say they are a shit person in the same breath!

  • Now I definitely think he is insane and you should dump him . This is not love he just wants to control you. It is abusiv behavior

    So be Strong .

  • He is a shit person Jayne! He sounds like he gets his kicks from controlling you. How can you love him when he is so abusive and controlling? Thats not love - thats hate...And because he found you did that mean you had to take him back? He doesn't love you he loves treating you like shit. Leave him get away and stay away. If he finds you again kick him where it hurts. You deserve a lot better than this piece of lowlife.

    Bev xx

  • Figure out what you'd never forgive him for, let it happen, find proof. Painful but better sooner than latter. The sooner it gets worse, the sooner it gets better, and the more time youll have x

  • Things will never get better, do not waste your life like i did, go now before he destroys you! You only have one life and that passes very quickly! He does not love or respect you to treat you like that and things will not get better.

  • Hello

    Your are in an abusive and toxic relationship, any contact with this man will leave you struggling to live your life, by the way given to you freely.

    If you continue to choose this kind of man your life will be painful and hard.

    Love should not hurt you. Ever.

  • Hi again, I've just realised that you answered your own question in your first sentence - why can't you leave him? Because you don't want to. When you start wanting to then maybe you will. Suexx

  • Just leave babe you are worth more. When you leave you will realise there is more to life than him. You will move on find someone really nice and be treated like a princess

  • You know what you have to do, so come on, your worth more than that. He is the one with the problems not you, get rid and be happy. Spend some time on your own and one day you will meet your Mr Darcy. Be strong x

  • STOP being the victim my mother step mother were in this relationship with my dad my sister was and my sister in law is find a friend who sees you everyday and get them to describe what they see as you Wont see it not cant wont, nasty i know but if you look at his family there is a person there father grandfather whom he takes after. Its up to him to change not you however you need to change your way of thinking you are better than he says you are you just need to beieive in yourself once you leave he will promise the world give you great sex make an effort untill he thinks hes done enough and slip back into normality. I have done a counselling course but there is no amount of books that makes for experience leave the numpty you love what he was or could be not what he actualy is good luck Clive

  • Please thing about yourself, and what your future will be like if you stay with this abusive guy. It seems like your self esteem is very bad, sorry to be direct, but get help, leave, no one deserves to be called names, you are worth so much more. Dont even think or waste time trying to work out what his problems are. Put yourself first, get out of this abusive relationship. I know what its like and the best thing I ever did in my life was to leave an abusive partner. Once I got away, I realised how badly it was effecting me, Talk to someone you trust about this. Phone a Womens Refuge, you may need help to plan to leave.

  • You can't leave him because you dont want to or think u need to as yet. Sometimes we feel we deserve the pain someone else inflicts on us....we believe we are not worthy of better. He didnt follow you for you....he followed you because it feels good to have a punching bag that wont hit back.

    When I went to basic training....in the US Army it was my way out....out of a toxic, draining relationship. I was so numb....so broken....it was unbelievable. America has the best military force because of the intensive physical and psychological training they provide when training new soldiers. Well, guess what....they tried to break me down....they tried so hard. I didnt pretend to be hard...I was actuly very perceptive and submissive to all of it....But later I realized I was already so broken....the only way or place for me to go was up. I couldnt cry....I was a little depressed....but that was because I had left my two baby girls ....Lisa 11 months old and Cookie 3.5 years old. I hated to leave...it broke my heart....but it saved my life. At one point While training I felt like I couldnt eat because I had missed my babies so much. A drill sergeant pulled me to the side and asked me why hadn't I been eating. He then told me....I need to do this for the little girls I left behind....and so that I cud be independent and not go back to that shit bag husband I had left behind. I went back to my meal and picked up that fork. I found strenght amidst the chaos and my broken heart...as I sat in there I was surrounded by grown men who cried because of the intensity of training.

    I made it...I graduated training and was on my way to achieving an awesome military career. No, I didnt leave him. But the woman who left for training was not the one that return. Things had changed. I put my combat boot feet down on him. The game had changed and I was no longer the abused. I was so big...not my ego....but my spirit and my strenght. He even told me he was so intimidated by me. We eventually got a divorce....but I have no regrets. I finally had stood up for myself...and thatz because I recognized my worth, my value...and found some great therapy. And I had finally loved myself....and loved myself more that I loved that asshole.

    So, thats why I say....you wont leave because you really dont want to or think you need to. I hope you leave soon...its a whole mental thing...and once you get the strenght together to leave him.... The feeling is so empowering. Also, u have no kids yet...I knew I had to leave with my girls....as I was setting such a bad example for them....and thats why u need to leave before its too late or more complicated.

    Five years later, after my divorce and dating one loser after the other...I met a wonderful man. I loved him in within moments of laying my eyes on him....and the feeling was mutual. Thank God it was a healthy love and relationship. I spend the first year with him wondering "how did I get here in heaven?" He is unreal....in his ways...his mannerisms...etc. He is not perfect....but if there was ever a man next to perfect it would be him. He has high moral values and ethics....supports me through my depression.... Adores me, praises me, plays with me....we laugh, we talk, we wrestle, we make love, we dream together, we hope, we love unconditionally....and most of all....he loves my kids as his own. Only issue we have....he has a bit of OCD....and I have never been a very organized person...but I am still adjusting to him.....its been 3 years....sometimes it feels as if we just met....he keeps the romance alive....and sometimes it feels like we have known each other for lifetimes....we almost never argue. He tells me Im beautiful when I wake up in the morning...and Im like....are you serious???"""he texts me messages how how much he loves me....and lets me know he cant wait to get home with me. I feel pretty much like a queen in the way he treats me....and sometimes I wonder what I did to deserve someone so wonderful and amazing....and I thank God for sending him to me.

    This...is a healthy love. You know the song from Percy Sledge "when a man loves a woman"? That's it.....My husband is the man he is singing about. I told you all this so you can know...there is hope....YOU CAN AND NEED TO LEAVE HIM....and its not necessarily downhill from there. God will send you someone new, someone better....but first you need to get better to recognize a good man when you see him. You can't pick up trash anymore...this guy is a shit-bag. I know u can do better. You sound young....and you will have to deal with some loneliness...I did it on and off....mostly on for 5 years.....but I learnt to be alone, happy on my own....and how to truly love myself. .you HAVE to find the diamond in the hay stack. I am trying to give YOU HOPE....AFTER ALL....LIFE IS WHAT WE MAKE IT. You will remain in my thoughts and prayers my love.

  • Dude am in the same situation.... He's so horrid to me but I still take it need somewhere to run I thinks you do tooxxx it gets harder each day xxx have you done anything yet???

  • He has taken away your self worth thats why you can't leave him. You have become used to that part and find it difficult to even think about leaving him. But you are only destined for misery with someone like that. My partner treats me with amazing respect and treats me as a proper person. You deserve better and your right he will in the end leave you because one day you won't be able to function without the control. Actually if you did leave and got your self esteem built up he would see what he has lost. You don't need anyone to be yourself. What you need is head space and some quality input from a friend. He does not love you, love does not do that. Trust me you will get worse and worse. God loves you for you, break free and the chains will fall off. Your worthy of so much more and there is someone out there who can love and treasure you but you need to go find yourself first. Mindfullness is great if you can look it up on you tube. Come on your not meant to be miserable in life. Take the first step. He knows what he is doing. Av seen it all before and got out of a relationship very similar - never looked back and met a lovely true guy.

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