Why am I such a bitch?

[Luna_Peach]

Ahrgh I hate myself right now. I´m kicking my best friend out of my flat late at night, because I can´t stand company right now..I can´t focus on the film we are watching and I suddenly feel like shit. I´ve been feeling better the last couple of days but now I realised that I´m not back to my normal self yet. Though I sooo want to be. I love him and our friendship and now he is mad at me for making him leave. And he keeps asking me questions about why I feel the way I do and I can´t answer. This second episode of depression in my life came out of the blue to me. Why can´t I just be okay again?

[Jeffju]

We would all like to be just ok again..... I would love to be my old self. But it takes time, help from experts and possibly medication to get us back on the right track. I hope that you are getting some help, if not see your GP and what can be arranged for you. Good luck.

[sasays]

Have you taken anough time out for yourself to try and work out what might be going on? There isnt always a cause of course but there can be triggers or pressures that you may not be realising. Life can be a little hectic sometimes so make sure you're making enough time for you. Don't push your friends away, they are often what keeps you going but just be honest with them, say you're not feeling up for company, no one can be angry with you if youre honest about the way you feel, it might make them more comfortable too knowing that you would tell them when you're feeling like this. Best wishes x

[Hidden]

Have you stopped to think that part of feeling depressed and full of hate is because you are doing hateful things. You will destroy the friendship once he has left after a couple of days you could find you are full of regret. I've done the same thing but now know I should have removed myself after being honest and explaining my behaviour. Illness, physical or mental does not give us carte blanch to treat others in hateful ways.

[Hidden]

Hi

Can you tell him that you are depressed? If he is your best friend then it is sad if you can't do that. At least give him the chance to understand. Suex

[Luna_Peach]

Thanks guys for all those answers. Yes I am getting help, I´ve got medication and light therapy. Cause one of the biggest triggers (sasays you are right of course there are reasons) was 1 month holiday in my homecountry without anything to do, no friends but one and almost no sun ever. I think I´m dealing better with depression now cause I´ve had it before a couple of years ago, but there are good and bad days of course.

It´s very difficult to explain it to my friend, because whenever I try he won´t belive me that it could have been caused by many small reasons and not one huge event. When I tell him the stuff I am writing here he says he doesn´t belive me and questions my honesty wich hurts me a lot because I find it way easier to write about feelings than to talk about them and when I do I want to be taken seriously.

The problem the other night was that I was honest and he hated me for it anyway. I then messaged him on facebook esplaining a bit more and better, but no answer yet.

I´m not mean to everyone in general though, My mom and a dear friend I´m meeting tomorrow for a girltalk have both been very understanding and supportive. That makes it easier for me to talk to them.

[itllbealrigh]

dude I also sometimes feel like eating shit too!

yeah it might feel like shit right now but in time, you will know

if u want it to stop then just stop

here I have a quote from a friend I had in high school,

if u know? you know