I don't know whether writing this will help me. I used to be the happiest girl in the world, I never got upset, nothing used to faze me and I was a strong, successful individual.
The first time the words 'depression' crossed my mind was when I was rejected from my dream job, age 18, it sent me into a downward spiral and I ended up being prescribed anti-depressants and attended a few counselling sessions. Suddenly I had a new boyfriend, new job, new place to live and I felt a thousand times better, stopped the counselling and medication (even the counsellor told me he was happy to let me go as he was happy I was ok).
That was about 4 years ago now and in those 4 years Ive been backwards and forwards to the doctors, one minute sure I am depressed, the next absolutely sure I was 'fixed'.
A couple of months ago I attemped suicide, after a silly row with my partner at the time, this alerted him to my depression and a couple months later he finished with me. Now Ive taken this so badly it’s untrue, I’ve acted like a crazy person, I’ve caused a scene in my local pub, I’ve randomly fell to the ground screaming at the top of my voice, I’ve spent hours on the phone to the Samaritans, I didn’t go into work 4 days… the worst thing being that when I was doing these things they felt absolutely rational. Luckily at the present moment in time I am over that bout of deep depression but it doesn’t mean I feel any better. I get up in the morning, and cry on my walk to work, usually I will cry in the toilet at work and I will almost definitely cry myself to sleep at the end of the day. If I’m not crying though I am weighted with this horrible feeling of hating myself, of messing everything up, of being abandoned, that my life will never ever improve. I no longer feel strong and independent, I feel stupid, weak, pathetic, worthless.
I honestly think that there is no way out of my depression, the only thing to do is to die, but I cant do it, I cant do it to other people and I cant do it to myself. Imagine that feeling? Its like the worst form of torture there is, when there is nothing left to do but die and you cant even manage that.
I smoke marijuana and I am under no illusion that it doesnt help, but when I get so overworked it’s the only way of controlling myself and calming myself down. I want to quit it more than anything in the world but I cant even imagine getting through a day without it at the minute, let alone being strong enough to stop myself smoking it. When I was with my boyfriend I was happy and didn’t think of it as a problem. With constant support from someone as close to me as my partner I think I could do it. But not right now, I don’t feel strong enough to spend ten minutes alone without my anxieties taking over me.
I feel like I’m just plodding through the days hoping for something good or bad to trigger a different mood, I don’t enjoy life, I have nothing that makes me happy, I don’t make anyone else happy and I have nothing to look forward to. Only things to dread, like not being able to pay my rent on Friday, my doctors appointment in the morning, work etc.
I don’t know what to do