This is going to sound like a reoccurring theme on here as my last blog post was about sex drive too, but seeing as this literally just happened and it's got to the point here it's getting difficult for me to handle I think I'll write about it and see what any of you guys have to say, or any support/advice you may have.
So like my last blog post I have basically completely lost my sex drive and I feel awful, I was happy with it being really high and as I'm young, in a committed relationship it wasn't a problem. As it's completely lost and non existent I know it sounds stupid but I feel like I've lost a massive part of myself, and my life.
Sex isn't the only thing in my life, but it made me happy and made me feel closer to my partner who is 300 miles away for 85% of the year due to us being in different Universities.
Sometimes it comes back (my sex drive) and I express this to my partner, through text, or on the phone and like normal couple we like to express ourselves however we can through the distance - yes phone, webcam, pictures etc. Obviously this has gone down like my sex drive, but every now and then (rarely) I do get a burst of feeling/ pleasure/ desire.
And every time, every single time, it gets ruined by my partner. It just always seems to be ''bad timing''. And I know most of the time it is, like your phone running out of battery etc, but it kills me inside. I try so hard to keep the relationship alive, and feeling like I've lost a massive part of myself, not just my sex drive, but my confidence and self esteem has plummeted too.
Just every time this happens, I just want to curl into a ball a cry. I don't want to talk to him, it just really hurts - oh god here come the tears again. I just don't know what to do. My partner knows how much it hurts and he does try, but it's just so hard to forgive him (even if it's something as stupid as this). I feel like I'm over reacting completely. And I know I am, I just can't help how I feel.
I find it really difficult to talk to him, and like I said forgive him. It knocks my little confidence I have for the time being right out the window. Its also harder because of the distance, it's not like he can make it up to me, make me coffee, give me a massage or even express how much he loves me, it's just so difficult. I end up just ignoring him and crying all the time. I then find myself going over all my flaws - my extra weight I've put on, my dress size, the fact I can't fit into more then half my clothes and underwear, my confidence, my lack of sex drive, and excitement in my life, and how I just wish this would stop happening to me.
I know it's nothing big, I know I shouldn't cry and get this hurt and upset, but I do, and I end up hurting my partner with the way I act because of it. I've tried to shrug it off and say it's ok, after the amounts of sorry's he says to me, but it just makes me hurt even more.
I've run out of options, and my relationship is suffering massively because of all these problems, to tip it off, I'm also chronically depressed with a long distance, a failing future, weight gain, troubled family and a temper/ sensitive persona.
I just can't see my relationship lasting that much longer due to all my problems and how it is at the moment.
Anyone have any help/ ideas for me?
Sorry about my rant and crying on here, just needed to get it all out.