I'm pretty socially awkward at times. To me, there's nothing worse than spotting someone you vaguely know walking towards you down a long corridor. What are you supposed to do in that situation? Spend a near-eternity maintaining eye contact, all the while wiggling your eyebrows and smiling? At what point is it deemed acceptable to commence interaction? My tactic is to appear deeply distracted right up until the last second when we're just about to pass and then feign surprise.
"Oh, hello mate. Didn't recognise you there...twenty metres away..."
So, with this in mind; there I was, running along, minding my own business, wheezing a jaunty tune, when the universe decided it was going to conspire against me for its own sick enjoyment.
I turned into an alleyway that connects the main road to a back road and came up behind two young girls. The alley is a perfect noir scene, it's lit by a single, flickering lamppost. The girls weren't walking together, but had gravitated closer to each other in the darkness. Each had their iPhone torch shining feebly downward at their feet as if a lame compromise between fear and embarrassment of fear.
They were clearly on edge.
Handy then that I should unwittingly ruck up behind them grunting and gasping with the odd bit of spittle being blown onto my chin while I'm trying to blurt out breathless expletives at MJ. And if that wasn't unnerving enough for these poor girls, it just so happened that There and Then, after rushing up behind them, I get told, nay, instructed to walk.
Now I feel like a creep.
What the hell do I do?
I can sense they're somewhere emotionally between awkward and scared.
I'm petrified.
There's nothing worse than making an effort trying to come across as not being something that you're actually not anyway.
If you can disseminate that sentence, then you're as bad off as me.
If you're not guilty of something and want to appear not guilty. Bam! Murder charge. Want to not seem like a creep to young girls? Expect a crudely drawn sketch of you on paedo-watch.
I'm screaming at them in my head.
Just let me overtake, then I'm gone. You can relax, I can relax and the world goes back to normal for everyone.
I speed up...
They speed up.
Just turn around at look at me. I'm a grown man in leggings for f*ck sake. Even my wife laughed at me when I left the house. I'm no threat.
They're dying to look over their shoulders, but don't want to be seen doing so.
MJ, mate, bail me out here. Tell me to run.
I'm walking slightly quicker than them, but not quick enough to pass with any conviction. I'm just getting uncomfortably closer. And closer...
...and closer...
...until I couldn't handle it anymore. A crescendo of paranoia erupted in me. I ran. My God, did I run. I ran until I felt clean again. I ran until I forgot that when trying to diffuse the whole despicable affair, I broke the impasse of awkwardness by saying, "Morning!" at eight o'clock in the f*cking evening.
They've probably forgotten all about it. I'm still having nightmares. I can never run that route again. It needs to be burnt.
But anyway, moving on. You lot must've been chewing your fingernails down to the pink bits worrying about my knee after I left you with that cliff-hanger last time out. I brought some running supports which seem to work really well apart from having to be hitched up after every run like a pair of council house leggings. I pitched "a week's rest" to myself but felt itchy on run-night reading about all your antics in the wind and rain and quite sadistically felt like I was missing out on the battle scars and war stories, so settled for an extra day instead. As it happens, the ol' boy (my knee) has been absolutely fine. He grumbles a lot, but you would too if you had to shoulder a mass that would collapse a donkey. Think Atlas. Despite all his surliness though, he's doing a pretty good job of ferrying me around wherever my whimsical desires should take me.
My whole body is actually feeling pretty lithe this time around. But I do need to point out as a disclaimer that this is measured against me and me only. And maybe a petrified horse-corpse, baked golden in the fierce desert sun. Without niggles and nags in the forefront of my mind, I lack a focal point. And with that, I got a bit bored of my running playlist so felt the need to have a spruce. Plus, I couldn't get Radiohead's Creep out of my head for a couple of days, for reasons previously exhausted, and thought that'd be a good inclusion. I didn't have time to let my anal side loose...
...that could possibly do with rephrasing...
...to optimise a playlist that seamlessly bleeds into itself and doesn't have me charging about like I'm sharing a pair of shorts with a drill instructor, so on my next run I just rolled the dice, hit play and put my ears in the lap of the Shuffle Gods.
Never again.
The Shuffle Gods are due about as much worship as that partially burned piece of toast that vaguely resembled either Jesus, Che Guevara or Chewbacca, depending on how hard you squinted.
For some reason, it got stuck on the J's. I had Janis Joplin, Joan Armatrading, John Martyn and Joni Mitchell amongst others. Love them all, but it's not running music. Not a lot in there to get the adrenaline up; music has got to be fit for purpose. I've had a bit of a bedroom faux pas in that department before. I've since deleted I Love All The Boys from my iTunes.
Anyway, long story short, I've gone and got myself a brand new playlist and it's spankier than a German fetishist. I was dad-dancing between runs on Sunday morning.
Tomorrow night marks the end of my (second) week 3. It's going quick. I can almost see my former, hobbly self in the distance. I'm coming up on him like I came up on those girls, but this time I will be a creep. I'm going to yank down his shorts and slap his arse as I whizz past. It'll take him forever to pull 'em back up with that knee.
Happy running you bunch of crazies. Break out those thermal undies. It's cold out.
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PaulS83
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As eloquent as ever. Very glad your knee’s holding out, just so I can look forward to the next episode. Oh, and I’m going to bed with a Radiohead ear worm - thanks 😜
There are worse ear worms than that, believe me. I know because I've just deleted them all from my library. I don't know why The Muppets seemed like a good idea at the time...
Maybe it's 'Just Me' but....Why not just 'Say' "Good Morning Girls, what a lovely day for a Run". Whilst I did, quite 'enjoy' your Musings- rather like yourself- they did 'Run On' a bit! I'm getting, the impression, that you Don't like Social Situations much- either that- or you feel 'awkward', in them. I'll let you, and anyone else who reads this, into a 'Little Secret'....No-one does! I smile, maybe make a Remark- about the Weather- discuss the News/ Current Affairs or Sport- especially football, which I know bu--er all about to be honest.
A Friendly smile, a small 'funny', a comment regarding the weather....it's 'easy' as pie! If the person/ people want to discuss anything, in detail, it's time to Bug Out! 'Sorry, must rush, I'm Meeting Someone, Have A Train To Catch, Have To Be At Mums, Need To Be At A Neighbours...… What a 'Polite Gentleman' I am, always such a Nice ('Nice'...Yuck) Smile, Clean Shoes, Hair in Place..... (I WILL genuinely 'Help', if needed. At a Local Theatre an old man, was slowly walking along- with a Walker. As he approached a double door someone, without even looking, let the first door 'go'...it 'missed' that man by inches. I helped him to his seat and then, the toilet, at half time.)
Since we Are, still in, January...Happy New Year 2020 Paul
You find yourself in the situation with the girls again, just turn around and run a different route. We know you weren’t up to anything but as a female I know how they felt too. And nothing interrupts a run like being taken down the police station 😄
Funny stuff ... both those girls probably had headphones in and were totally engrossed in their phones they wouldn’t know if a herd of stampeding elephants were behind them ... as for the dodgy knee heel raises worked for strengthening the muscles around my knee , they might work for you 😀
I think sometimes we’re bombarded by the media and we’re all branded as perverts even if we’re not. It’s no wonder you feel socially awkward when running past the young girls. In future runs just shout excuse me for them to move, and trot on.
Glad that your knee feels better. Keep running 🏃♀️
I think we have all had moments like that, when running along the local canal on my own I have sometimes come up behind either a single or a couple of women joggers. There are times when the path isn't so wide and if 2 people are jogging side-by-side then it isn't possible to pass unless you can swim faster than they are jogging!
Glad you're still going, glad you're still writing about it and glad you're unashamedly telling it like it is! Keep it all up (the running, the telling and the running supports). I await your next missive with anticipation!
That gave me the morning cheering up that i needed on my week nicotine free anniversary, thank you
and i did wonder if the girls really even noticed you
I’m with you on letting the playlist shuffle it’s own thing, many years ago my then new partner wrote a christmas song with my two grandchildren at the time 9 and 7 so there i was running along to Linkin Park shouting and swearing in my ears when suddenly It’s Christmas time again jingles along with all the cringe worthy embarrassment it could muster, that was last September 😀
At least you ran and your knee behaving a bit so a success,
Keep running and keep posting from the injury couch we need to smile and are cheering you on with every step
Funnily enough, I'm one week (smoking) free today too. Although still got a patch on, and some nicotine mints that take a layer off the back of your throat with every go.
The patches work well, i find the odd piece of gum ok, good luck with your smoke free journey, mine wasn’t choice this time last week i was on my way to hospital with respiratory failure due to flu but one week on I can breathe without effort
Thanks so much for taking the time to relate your exploits. I'm guiltily reading these posts when I should be working (self-employed, find it hard to get motivated in my splendid isolation sometimes!) and also waiting for the sun to do its work on the icy paths round here so I can run without fear of slipping. I had a good laugh at your woes and its cheered me up no end!
I struggle for motivation working from home as well. I'm surrounded by constant distractions. Shiny ones. Impossible to ignore. I ended up benchmarking my productivity against cadavers.
Your way of witty writing has brought your run to life for us all, and I thank you for this!!! I think we can all empathise with such situation, to some degree or another!!! Good luck finding a new route!
Fantastic read, just what I needed after yet another missed run, and more exasperating stress fuelled by my three kids (two of which are teenage) behaving like a bunch of squabbling toddlers 🙄 I’m sensing this fibro isn’t going to settle soon. But a look at here and finding your fantastically well written post has given me a good giggle, although I feel somewhat guilty it’s at your expense. But thank you so much for sharing in your own wonderful way that you do.
I’m glad your knee is good job in holding you up during your run.
Hope you get back out there soon. There’s nothing worse than being laid up. Get those kids doting on you otherwise I’ll come running/walking behind them
Brilliant post Paul, a bit like reading a short story...gave me a good laugh, some of it at your expense but I think that was your intention! Good morning 😆👍🏃♂️
100% know what you mean, I purposefully make my steps louder or rustle my jacket when sneaking up on unsuspecting walkers yet I still get surprised reactions... yes, another human out and about!
I hate the "corridor" thing too, what's the right thing... maybe I'll try running towards them next time arms outstretched, like a long lost family member and see what happens 🤣
Haha yes - or I purposefully cough to give them some warning Im coming up - also because I have a large dog who has managed to give a few people a fright when they werent expecting her! She is pretty good though and will ignore anyone who doesn't specifically call her over But really I dont know how anyone can NOT hear us - we are both super loud breathers when we run!
You should definitely try the arms outstretched thing - might end up making some new friends??
Yeah, I’d be absolutely seething if that was me. That’s pretty cowardly behaviour.
Glad I could help cheer the day up...but happier still to make you look a bit weird, giggling into your coffee in a slightly darkened coffee shop corner.
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O Runner, runner! wherefore art tho...Oh, never mind, there you are.
I'm a Graduate!
I'M A GRADUTE i'M A GRADUATE I'M A GRADUATE
Bit of a weird run
I'M A GRADUATE 👩🏻🎓👩🏻🎓
