Couch to 5K
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Having slept on the thought of managing todays 8K, I awoke at 9:56 thinking it was about time I dragged my sorry arse out of bed and onto the streets. I cleaned my teeth, stroked Tallula the cat as I was getting my running ear prepared and started a conversation with a voice in my head. It was the voice of MyAsics Plan ;

"Ok Dan. Ready for this?"

"Yep. Ready."

"YOu know it's 8K today don't you?"

"Yes yes. Don't remind me"


"Bloody hell ALRIGHT! Those two things should be banned from being in the same sentence."

"Shorts or tights?"

"Shorts. Haven't you seen the temp out there? I don;t want Betty Swollocks making an appearance thank you very much!"

And with that I was downstairs drinking cranberry juice and chomping on dried apricots - to give me my energy boost. I won't lie, I've got a back strain. It's been giving me jip since Thursday and Mrs Dan rightly says it's my chair at work. It's been massaged (by Mrs Dan) and is slowly getting better but if there's anyone who is FED RIGHT UP with things affecting my being able to run well, it's me! Luckily when walking I can't feel it twingeing.

"You gonna be alright running with that back - yer big wuss?"

"I'll be fine"........"And don't call me a wuss, you sadist Half Marathon Plan you!"

I started running. Felt bloody great too. I mentally put the pace on today and found that my legs were going faster than my usual slow plod I'd perfected recently. If this was going to be a fast 8K, then I'd better put the work in early. 1K went by in a flash. I started thinking about TurboTortoise, as she is going to be my pace beeactch next week on my first ever TEN MILER! YIKES!

"Stop thinking about women" said the Plan.

"I'm preparing for next week"

"Concentrate on this run yer big ludicrous lummox!"


I did as the plan said and before long, two, then three K went by. Even got a few friendly responses to my hand greeting wave at fellow runners. At 4K some drunk men staggering along with cans of beer, and speaking in a foreign accent were up ahead trying to jump over an eight foot high brick wall. I passed them as one of them had clawed his way up and was swaying at the top. I figured that before long they'd all be sitting up on the wall swaying in a drunken haze, then one by one they'd fall to the ground, knocking themselves senseless on the road.

Before any of that happened 4K beeped on Gertie Gramin and I turned round on myself to head back the way I'd come. The loud drunken voices of the men soon faded from my earshot and I got on with rejoining the Thames path. I was beginning to droop with the heat.

"Oi, oi Savaloy!" said the Plan.

"Awww shurrrup! Not now. I'm struggling here!"

"Well slow down then!"

"I'm FU***ING boiling!"

"Has Betty Swollocks come to town?"

I had to admit that she had. Luckily beneath my shorts were some lycra compression shorts that were keeping Betty in place but the summer heat was taking it's toll. My face was pouring sweat and the front of my top was drenched and kept sticking then unsticking to my tummy. Betty was doing what they could in the circs.

"COME ON DAN! You're nearly at 5K. If you keep the pace up, you'll clock a cub 30 baby!"

That was good to hear - and then BEEEEEPY BEEEP!!! I'd clocked a 5 in 29'46. Nice one Cyril. I slowed down a tad to get myself centred and before long I was striding again, like a graceful racehorse in full flight! Betty Swollocks had resigned their fate and stayed put. Suddenly.....ahead of me was a female. A short one, but she was out on a run and she was going at some pace. I decided to try and catch her, despite her being a good 200 metres ahead of me. I turned up the pace, using this woman like a pace beeatch and before too long I'd caught up with her and was about to make a glorious overtaking manoeuvre when she turned off and went over the footbridge at Richmond Lock!

"Hahaha!! Laughed the plan.

"Awww shurrrrup!"

I was on the last 100 metres, pushing as hard as I could and then BEEEEEEPY BEEEP!! Time up. I'd finished my 8K in 47:26.

"You see?"


"I knew you could do it really. Now go and run Betty under the tap. See you Tuesday morning."

And that dear friends is the story of my run with Betty Swollocks.

Until the next tale of hilarity.

Yer pal


37 Replies

Very amusing! Your love of the agony and ecstasy of running always makes me smile!:-)


Danke shuuuuuuun!


cracking post Dan :D well done on that pace in the this weather :) betty swollocks gets to all us men haha

Those voices don't always win , you did one for the good guys today :D


Cheers Rob.


Great post - and congrats for the determination despite the heat. Can't help wondering how anyone can be drunk so close to breakfast time...

If you think you have problems with Betty Swollocks, thank your lucky stars you're not a giant mouse lemur.


Drunk before breakfast means.......still drunk from last night methinks!

Thanks for the link too. Oooohhhh....


Love it!! Do you need an editor? This book is coming along fab pet!! I'm up for the job if you do!!! Fab, hilarious post as always!!! Well done on a speedy 8k in the heat!!! Brilliant man! I do hope Betty has gone now!!!! Until the next time!! Tu raaaa pet!! :)


Wooohooo! Taaaa pet. Ahhh cannee git enuff ay year posts like!!

1 like

Difficult running with Betty Swollocks but spare a thought for Norma Stitz too.


I knew a Norma once. Scottish girl. Refused to wear knickers....




This is had made me slightly jealous - not the Betty Swollocks part but the running 8KM, you will do great on that 10miler!! Just take care of that back!!!

Always great to read your posts!!


I bloody hope so (re ten miler). Thanks VIX!


Great post Dan love your short stories, Pat 😅😅


Hahah! Thanks Pat.


Hahah Dan just love your posts! Mrs Dan must be laughing her head off all the time living with you! Well as long as Betty's not in the vicinity of course!! Enjoy the ten miler. I hope TT is gentle with you x 😀😀


ThanksN-e. In a way I hope TT is slightly rough with me......OOOHHH stop me Matron!!


Love it Dan! That's some run you had and a great time in spite of (or maybe due to) Betty Swollocks. Love that name. Sounds like a porn star.


Porn star? Me? How did you know? I was young......AND NEEDED THE MONEY!!!


I knew I'd seen you somewhere before.....


A lot of people speak highly of wooden performance.....


Great run there Dan in the extreme heat of this morning!!!! You're a true hero

10 miles is easy. It must be cos I did it! In fact 1 year ago today; my first race. I was supposed to run the same race today but couldn't. Darn it! Sigh

I hope your back soon feels better as you don't want that nagging at you as well as asicsplan


You're not kidding. I just bought some voterol gel to smear all my aching back. So far the results aren't all bad. Thanks MW. I need some 10 mile faith...


Voltarol can't sink in deep enough though according to the sports therapist I saw a few weeks ago so I'd stick with the pills!


Now you tell me! It cost me ten bloody quid!!!!


Bwahaha, the faster you run the sooner 10 miles will be done! Just be gentle on the back strain. And the swollocks.


All is well with Betty. Bathed and wrapped in cotton boxers with pictures of bananas on them. Have rubber voltarol all over my back in the hope it will work. So far it is......


I am in hysterics...there is a lot going on there...very specific wake up time, stroking the pussy ???!!!, the run itself and your pair of Sweaty Betty's ( did you know thats a shop for ladies things)...all fab and a fantastic time, well done :)


Yes, I buy all my thongs from Sweaty Bettys. I don;t wear them. Just use them as guitar strings.

Thanks Juju! You;re the BEST!


........ Or cheese cutters :-) xxx


Thank goodness for compression underwear, I don't think I could face hearing about the problems that would ensue if you weren't suitably wrapped. Great post.


***cymbal crash***!!


Betty can give you an itch, so be careful young man. Do plenty of back stretching before your ten mile, Dan, make sure you are nice and loose.....if you know what I mean.


Nice n loose - sounds like a title of a Heavy Metal album....!


Gosh, we must be pretty closely matched - I ran a sweaty 8k yesterday in 47.29. Just three seconds in it..! (Competitive? Me? Not at all)

Great post, as always!


thanks Katie.!


Whatever you do, Dan, be careful you don't get the Voltarol too near Betty. I believe this can be rather uncomfortable. Fab post as usual - you almost make running sound fun :D


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