Good afternoon fellow runners

I awoke this morning absolutely knackered. I wanted to go on my 8K run about as much as I wanted to smear yoghurt all over my buttocks and roll in some nettles! However I forced myself to get up and got myself ready. Shorts and top, socks with a hole in (they'd do for this run, then get thrown out) and my Asics. Tallula the cat watched me suspiciously from a chair as I dressed, then followed me downstairs to eat her breakfast which I served for her!

I made it out the door having slugged some cranberry juice and chomped on 4 dried apricots and off I went on my walk to warm up. I started slow and decided to hell with the pace of this planned training run. I would go as slow as I wanted and not bother about the "FAST" part of todays run.

All was going swimmingly until around 5K when I noticed that "stirring" one gets in one's intestines. A very slight "Guurrrrggle.....splloooooosshhh" feeling made me aware that once I'd got home, my first port of call would be the great white telephone! I ignored the "grrrgghhhhllll" rumbles and plodded on.

At 6K I was at a CODE AMBER. The human body was preparing itself for a mass exodus and it didn't give a sh*t (sorry...poor choice of word there) that I was three kilometres from home.

"Oh Christ!" I said. "Better get a move on Dan boy. You don't wanna "Paula Radcliffe Special" happening on the Thames Path!!"

We've all been there. When you gotta go, you just GOTTA GO! I increased my pace. CODE AMBER was slowly moving into the CODE RED zone. I reached Richmond Bridge and had two K to go. Luckily the lights went red just at the point I arrived to cross the road. "PHHGGHHHIISSHHHHGHHH" said my large intestine. I went faster and tonked down the Thames Path heading for home and a glorious finale on the toilet. I imagined the peace and tranquility of sitting on my loo and sighing with relief. Until then though, I was out in public, running like the wind (sorry, again!) with my "bottle and glass" on a CODE RED!

Sirens were sounding in my head! Loud urgent "GET THE F**K OUT OF MY WAY" sirens. I had 1K to go and had the horrible image of my losing control of my bowels on St Margaret's Road in front of people waiting at a bus stop! "Don't think like that Dan!" I told myself. The more I thought about going, the more I wanted to GO!

My phone beeped 8K - but I couldn't stop and walk home. Becky Bowels wasn't having any of that! I kept running - tired now, cos I'd just done a 5:30K fuelled entirely on a desire to pass a motion (or three). I got to the alleyway which leads to my road and had to slow to a fast walk. I reached my house. Key in the door and took the stairs three at a time. I bounded down the corridor. Shut the door as quietly as I could so as not to disturb Mrs Dan (See? Even with my bowels at a CODE RED I'm considerate!). I yanked down my shorts.......

Altogether Now! SING!!! - "Heaven.....I'm in heaven.....And my heart beats so that I can hardly speeeeeak..."

And so endeth my tale of horror. It's the first time ever, out running, that I've had "the urge" so to speak. And what a ghastly experience it was too. Don't wanna have that happen again.....

Thanks for reading folks!

Yer pal


70 Replies

  • Omg!!! I am howling!!!!! That's hilarious!!! I've never even met you but I can just picture you sprinting through the streets of London desperate for a shite, knocking everything and everyone out your way! Mooooove!!!! Poooo alert!!!! Ha ha ha!!! Can totally get the relief aaaaaah feeling though!!! Nowt better than a good poo!!!! All that's left to say is I hope you opened the window and didn't gas Mrs Dan the poor wifey!!! Oh and yeah, was it a PB???!!!!! ;)

  • Not a PB least I don;t think so? My visit to the bathroom was a PB though. Definitely!

  • Ha ha ha!!! TMI!!!!!

  • Oh Dan, you always make me smile :D

    I've been there, although my runs are usually much more devoid of other folk and more tree lined. However, although I have little concern about peeing in public should the need arise, I am somewhat more horrified by the prospect of pooing in public. Although I could probably get away with squatting near the trees when no one was around, I feel certain that whilst in the midst of the operation an old lady on a bike would come cycling past ! So I have so far held it in until arriving home. The relief is beyond description :)

  • I'm just a voice for the people!

  • I warned my daughter about the treadmill and the effects of exercise on the bowels. She didn't listen.

    She also didn't make it off the treadmill before she had to go.

    A story for my future son or daughter in law. And pretty much all of her friends and strangers on the bus.

    I'm glad you made it home!

  • Oh dear....poor daughter.....

  • LOVL. Made my day. That'll be the apricots!!!!

  • I'm not sure if it WAS the apricots cos I eat those before every run...? Odd.

  • Maybe not then but they have that effect on me!!! Either way made for a v amusing post danzargo😭😭😭.

    You madea lot of us smile very broadly 😁

  • Ha! Ha! Well I guess the title was a warning! Never thought that 'too much information' would make me laugh so much! I am hoping your time reflected your super human response to such urgency?!

  • Thanks Sandra!

  • Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahha :D :D :D heeheehee Oh my days!! Dan, I spilt tea on myself AND on the living room carpet reading that. You are one funny man.

    Weirdly, that's the second post about runners' runnies today. There must be something in the air today. Thank goodness it's a rest day for me :)

  • Thanks AM. Hope you manage to get rid of those stubborn stains.. :)

  • lol, oh wow, what an adventure! And they say running is a peaceful and tranquil pastime?!

    Glad you made it safely :)

    Like AM I'm glad it's a recovery day for me, don't want to tempt fate by going out there today.

  • Thanks Tomas.

  • Oh Dan! your descriptions of that run are So funny! made my day that has(its been a bit of a non-achieving day where plans have gone astray!) just pulled up to the computer with a cuppa about to catch up and your running runs tale really made me giggle! glad you made it back in time! supreme effort, and oh, the relief when you got through that door! :)

  • Glad it made you smile Ali. It made me grimace!!

  • Ahhh!

    After two of these stories today, I'm now officially scared of my evening's run tonight! Maybe I'll go to the gym instead where they have civilized things like loos....

    Glad you made it!

  • Or wear a big nappy?

  • Oh my goodness. I am weeping with laughter at this particular exploit Mr Dan. At each sentence I was waiting for the "didn't make it" or "lost my keys" bit 😄

    I'm not sure I would have such restraint if I'm honest, but that would result in a most uncomfortable & undignified waddle back...... 😄😄😄😄

  • Haha!! Thanks Noaky.

  • It's those flippin apricots , they are the work of the devil !

    Ha ha , Glad you made it back in time , Squeaky Cheeks !

    Oh I bet those pert buttocks were clenched that tight , you couldn't get a bus ticket between 'em :-D xxx

  • You're not kidding Pops....

  • Ha ha. That's hilarious Dan. Soooo glad you made it in time. It's happened to me once and I had to find some bushes quickly. It's the only time I regretted wearing really bright gear! Still, if it's good enough for Paula......

  • Well exactly....But there are no bushes where I live.....

  • Hahahahahah!!!! Hilarious post - though I'm sure it didn't feel as hilarious to you at the time. Almost had a similar incident at parkrun a couple of weeks ago, but luckily we run past the park toilet block half way round. Out went the potential pb, but the relief was immediate! Never has a slow time felt so good...

    Glad you made it back.

  • PB's are over rated. Especially when you need to .....go.

  • Screamed with laughter whilst reading this Dan. Hillarious.

  • Haha! Hooray! Glad it tickled you pink.

  • Having had to clear up the office dog's mess today she has been poorly all week, could take your post with a pinch of salt! Bet you are feeling good now knowing your negative end split was probably the fastest of the day!

  • It's amazing what a bit of necessity does to a run c4ts!

  • Thanks for cheering me up today, and for ensuring that I always ALWAYS go to loo before I run, even if it's just for a fart.

  • Well exactly!

  • Very glad to hear you made it safely home. Have to say that's one of the reasons I'm pleased I'm a creature of habit, always (almost always) go within an hour of waking. I therefore NEVER go out for a run during this time! It's bad enough when you feel the need for a pee. Can't imagine the other.

  • I pay tribute to your regular movements.

  • It's funny you should mention it Dan, but yesterday, while I was rolling my yoghurt smeared buttocks in the nettles, as I do before every run, I almost took Madame Truffe's prune juice out of the fridge instead of the red grape juice. I know from past experience that it goes straight through me.

    The secret of course is to keep the apricots/prunes for refuelling part way through a long run, thus guaranteeing a negative split run at a respectable fast pace.

    What are you like, with your runs.........

  • I see what you did there....Nice.

  • Dan that was a great post, I am smiling like a Cheshire Cat.

  • Meeowww!

  • HILARIOUS! All's well that ends well.

    Though imagine the hideous scenario of having to stop to go, and accidentally wiping with giant hogweed...

  • Hogweed? I'm more of a tumbleweed person actually Em.....

  • Ha ha ha :-) Good one Emma ! :-D :-D xxx

  • Oh my. I read this post in Tesco and laughed out loud. Can't remember the last time that happened. I love a bit of toilet humour and coupled with Mr Dan's witty turn of phrase, it's my favourite post of the week!!

  • You can't beat toilet humour!

  • This is hilarious! You had me LOLing right here on the sofa. I'm glad you made it back in time!

  • Thank you. It was a blessed relief....

  • Hilarious - SW London would never have recovered. Imagine the headlines in the local rag!!

  • "MAN LOSES CONTROL OF BOWELS AT BUS STOP!" - I'd never go out in public again........

  • Well I shouldn't have taken the piss so much (or should that be the shits), as it's just bloody happened to me too!!! I'm not laughing now!!! Jeeeez!!!!! Didn't realise there had been two posts on this subject or I would have been more aware!!!!!! If that's possible!!! Thankfully I can say I made it too!!!! The relief!!!! :)

  • Ta daaaa!!

  • ;)

  • That made me chortle out loud xxx

  • Hooray! Thanks!

  • So did you get a PB?

    So funny reading this. My friend has started c25k this week and my first peice of advice was, always hit the loo before a run! I would just die if this happened, where we run is totally flat with no chance of bushes for modesty. And it's a car drive home 😳

  • Good advice. I hope your friends heeds your most wise counsel.

  • Oh dear Dan, that did make me laugh. All's well that ends well, and I'm so glad you didn't wake Mrs Dan.

  • Thanks MW!

  • That is a fine description of what i have been told is joggers bowel. Laughing my head off here

  • Joggers Bowel. I like that......

  • Oh Dan as usual you have cheered up my morning with a raucous running tale xxx glad you made it to the loo first and foremost 😉 is Mrs Dan ok? Did she pass out from the fumes? I can just imagine you bowling Londoners out the way in your desperate bid to get to the loo xxx hopefully the next run wont be as "urgent"

    Happy panthering

  • Thanks TJ.

  • I started reading this and thought that what you do with yogurt and nettles is up to you (and clearly up to IannodaTruffe as well) and the rest is too much information.... but thank you. Made my morning. Hope I never have to post anything as funny. :-)

    Glad you got home and hope you are OK.

  • Yes. I'm tickety boo ta. Thank you!

  • Ahh... the joys of urban running. :)

    Just wondering why you didnt consider a small detour to a local convenience?

  • Because I would have $h*t myself!!

  • Time to WC your runs Dan. Once bitten..... :)

  • Memo: Never consume Jerusalem Artichokes and leave the house. This is all I'm saying... :(

  • Fabulous Dan, brilliant post!

    I am wondering about the sort of audience you are trying to attract with your tags though (buttocks, large intestine).... :-o

  • Nowt like a bit of toilet humour to spice up my day! LOL. What was your average pace on your run? Bet you made progress :) You reminded me of when I had to pelt through the centre of Milan for the same reasons - a dodgy pizza decided that it wanted out when we were visiting the town centre. I careened through town with my bro-in-law clearing the way ahead - nearly didn't make it. Put me off pizza for all of about two weeks, that did.

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