I awoke this morning absolutely knackered. I wanted to go on my 8K run about as much as I wanted to smear yoghurt all over my buttocks and roll in some nettles! However I forced myself to get up and got myself ready. Shorts and top, socks with a hole in (they'd do for this run, then get thrown out) and my Asics. Tallula the cat watched me suspiciously from a chair as I dressed, then followed me downstairs to eat her breakfast which I served for her!
I made it out the door having slugged some cranberry juice and chomped on 4 dried apricots and off I went on my walk to warm up. I started slow and decided to hell with the pace of this planned training run. I would go as slow as I wanted and not bother about the "FAST" part of todays run.
All was going swimmingly until around 5K when I noticed that "stirring" one gets in one's intestines. A very slight "Guurrrrggle.....splloooooosshhh" feeling made me aware that once I'd got home, my first port of call would be the great white telephone! I ignored the "grrrgghhhhllll" rumbles and plodded on.
At 6K I was at a CODE AMBER. The human body was preparing itself for a mass exodus and it didn't give a sh*t (sorry...poor choice of word there) that I was three kilometres from home.
"Oh Christ!" I said. "Better get a move on Dan boy. You don't wanna "Paula Radcliffe Special" happening on the Thames Path!!"
We've all been there. When you gotta go, you just GOTTA GO! I increased my pace. CODE AMBER was slowly moving into the CODE RED zone. I reached Richmond Bridge and had two K to go. Luckily the lights went red just at the point I arrived to cross the road. "PHHGGHHHIISSHHHHGHHH" said my large intestine. I went faster and tonked down the Thames Path heading for home and a glorious finale on the toilet. I imagined the peace and tranquility of sitting on my loo and sighing with relief. Until then though, I was out in public, running like the wind (sorry, again!) with my "bottle and glass" on a CODE RED!
Sirens were sounding in my head! Loud urgent "GET THE F**K OUT OF MY WAY" sirens. I had 1K to go and had the horrible image of my losing control of my bowels on St Margaret's Road in front of people waiting at a bus stop! "Don't think like that Dan!" I told myself. The more I thought about going, the more I wanted to GO!
My phone beeped 8K - but I couldn't stop and walk home. Becky Bowels wasn't having any of that! I kept running - tired now, cos I'd just done a 5:30K fuelled entirely on a desire to pass a motion (or three). I got to the alleyway which leads to my road and had to slow to a fast walk. I reached my house. Key in the door and took the stairs three at a time. I bounded down the corridor. Shut the door as quietly as I could so as not to disturb Mrs Dan (See? Even with my bowels at a CODE RED I'm considerate!). I yanked down my shorts.......
Altogether Now! SING!!! - "Heaven.....I'm in heaven.....And my heart beats so that I can hardly speeeeeak..."
And so endeth my tale of horror. It's the first time ever, out running, that I've had "the urge" so to speak. And what a ghastly experience it was too. Don't wanna have that happen again.....
Thanks for reading folks!
Yer pal
Dan.
Written by
danzargo
Graduate
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Omg!!! I am howling!!!!! That's hilarious!!! I've never even met you but I can just picture you sprinting through the streets of London desperate for a shite, knocking everything and everyone out your way! Mooooove!!!! Poooo alert!!!! Ha ha ha!!! Can totally get the relief aaaaaah feeling though!!! Nowt better than a good poo!!!! All that's left to say is I hope you opened the window and didn't gas Mrs Dan the poor wifey!!! Oh and yeah, was it a PB???!!!!!
I've been there, although my runs are usually much more devoid of other folk and more tree lined. However, although I have little concern about peeing in public should the need arise, I am somewhat more horrified by the prospect of pooing in public. Although I could probably get away with squatting near the trees when no one was around, I feel certain that whilst in the midst of the operation an old lady on a bike would come cycling past ! So I have so far held it in until arriving home. The relief is beyond description
Ha! Ha! Well I guess the title was a warning! Never thought that 'too much information' would make me laugh so much! I am hoping your time reflected your super human response to such urgency?!
Oh Dan! your descriptions of that run are So funny! made my day that has(its been a bit of a non-achieving day where plans have gone astray!) just pulled up to the computer with a cuppa about to catch up and your running runs tale really made me giggle! glad you made it back in time! supreme effort, and oh, the relief when you got through that door!
After two of these stories today, I'm now officially scared of my evening's run tonight! Maybe I'll go to the gym instead where they have civilized things like loos....
Oh my goodness. I am weeping with laughter at this particular exploit Mr Dan. At each sentence I was waiting for the "didn't make it" or "lost my keys" bit 😄
I'm not sure I would have such restraint if I'm honest, but that would result in a most uncomfortable & undignified waddle back...... 😄😄😄😄
Ha ha. That's hilarious Dan. Soooo glad you made it in time. It's happened to me once and I had to find some bushes quickly. It's the only time I regretted wearing really bright gear! Still, if it's good enough for Paula......
Hahahahahah!!!! Hilarious post - though I'm sure it didn't feel as hilarious to you at the time. Almost had a similar incident at parkrun a couple of weeks ago, but luckily we run past the park toilet block half way round. Out went the potential pb, but the relief was immediate! Never has a slow time felt so good...
Having had to clear up the office dog's mess today she has been poorly all week, could take your post with a pinch of salt! Bet you are feeling good now knowing your negative end split was probably the fastest of the day!
Very glad to hear you made it safely home. Have to say that's one of the reasons I'm pleased I'm a creature of habit, always (almost always) go within an hour of waking. I therefore NEVER go out for a run during this time! It's bad enough when you feel the need for a pee. Can't imagine the other.
It's funny you should mention it Dan, but yesterday, while I was rolling my yoghurt smeared buttocks in the nettles, as I do before every run, I almost took Madame Truffe's prune juice out of the fridge instead of the red grape juice. I know from past experience that it goes straight through me.
The secret of course is to keep the apricots/prunes for refuelling part way through a long run, thus guaranteeing a negative split run at a respectable fast pace.
Oh my. I read this post in Tesco and laughed out loud. Can't remember the last time that happened. I love a bit of toilet humour and coupled with Mr Dan's witty turn of phrase, it's my favourite post of the week!!
Well I shouldn't have taken the piss so much (or should that be the shits), as it's just bloody happened to me too!!! I'm not laughing now!!! Jeeeez!!!!! Didn't realise there had been two posts on this subject or I would have been more aware!!!!!! If that's possible!!! Thankfully I can say I made it too!!!! The relief!!!!
So funny reading this. My friend has started c25k this week and my first peice of advice was, always hit the loo before a run! I would just die if this happened, where we run is totally flat with no chance of bushes for modesty. And it's a car drive home 😳
Oh Dan as usual you have cheered up my morning with a raucous running tale xxx glad you made it to the loo first and foremost 😉 is Mrs Dan ok? Did she pass out from the fumes? I can just imagine you bowling Londoners out the way in your desperate bid to get to the loo xxx hopefully the next run wont be as "urgent"
I started reading this and thought that what you do with yogurt and nettles is up to you (and clearly up to IannodaTruffe as well) and the rest is too much information.... but thank you. Made my morning. Hope I never have to post anything as funny.
Nowt like a bit of toilet humour to spice up my day! LOL. What was your average pace on your run? Bet you made progress You reminded me of when I had to pelt through the centre of Milan for the same reasons - a dodgy pizza decided that it wanted out when we were visiting the town centre. I careened through town with my bro-in-law clearing the way ahead - nearly didn't make it. Put me off pizza for all of about two weeks, that did.
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Another 5k at snail's pace
