10years this month, I thought it was getting easier……

[Bingofox007]

I lost my husband 10 years ago on 29th of this month, the day after his 47th birthday. It was expected, we had the hospice at home and Marie curie night nurses. I always thought I found the second year without him the worst, the first year was all ‘this time last year..,’etc, second year he still wasn’t here. He’s still not here and never will be but I’ve never felt the pain of losing him so strong leading up to the anniversary of his death as I do this month. I often find his birthday worse than the next dreadful day. Today is unbearable. My heart feels broken all over again. I just wanted someone to talk to but not here with me today and I thank you for reading this far. You know I’m here for everyone of your in pain and in need of your loved ones. Love you all 🦊xx

[1tuppence]

Oh Bingo, please know you are heard. Loss is so hard, isn't it? We feel we've "come through it", and then feel shocked when it hits us again. I wonder if we move through different levels of realising and recognising the loss? There's a promise that we'll never have to deal with more than we are strong enough to deal with.... and I wonder if our on-going strength allows us to feel more? Can you Bless yourself for your courage? Sending hugs and Blessings to you.

[Bingofox007 in reply to 1tuppence]

oh you’re so very very kind and understanding. Thank you for replying and for your kind, comforting and very wise words. I’m feeling your hug and squeezing you right back. Take care 🦊xx

[1tuppence in reply to Bingofox007]

You made me smile with your squeezing me right back... and smiles are always welcome....as are squeezes and hugs You take care too. xx

[chloe40 Administrator]

Hello Bingofox007

My heart goes out to you, it really does.

The dread of birthdays and anniversaries is awful and most here will empathise {{{hugs}}}

I am hoping you have members of your family and friends to help you through today, but one thing I would recommend is writing all these feelings down, it helps and it will definitely be useful to get them off your mind.

You're an amazing person, who has been through so much<3 and we're sending much support and love your way.

Chloe

[Bingofox007 in reply to chloe40]

thank you so much for your lovely kind and caring, and understanding, words. They are comforting and supportive and greatly appreciated. I feel a lot calmer this afternoon. A lot of support from the forum, kind words, support. It has really helped. Thank you. I’ll take it minute by minute but going to do some gardening snd enjoy some fresh air and distraction while I feel able to. Thank you again. Take care 🦊xx

[chloe40 Administrator]

You too<3

[Hidden]

Hello bingo I'm so sorry your upset and had to go through this loss, I haven't lost a partner but I know by my mam who lost my step dad 18 years ago now she often says where is he, we need him like when we need his support help with tasks in the house and our decision making, little things come to mind and it hits us, wishing he was here, my mam as been lucky so to speak in feeling the total loneliness in that I've always been with here seeing her everyday, and I hope you can fill your life more with people that are of like mindedness, we found a spiritist church we attended for a while not a church but a place where people met that lost loved ones and found spiritual contact with them, I'm not sure your beleaves on this but I hope you'll open your heart and mind to this and that's when the sines will come, I can assure you the spirit lives on the soul the spirit is energy it never dies, your husband is just a thought away, we've had so many sines, on the way back from my step dads funeral after the song choice was Eva Cassidy over the rainbow, the biggest rainbow fill the sky over our street as we approached the house, we smiled and new it a sine from him there he now was still with us but over 🌈i hope you will find some comfort in me telling you this, and I hope you can find some peace today and something to help make you smile too, my mam finds comfort in the little birds that come and feed and after my dad died 3 years ago scotch butterfly often appears one came on my shoulder, many stories I could tell, sending a hug 🤗 we find comfort in looking out at the night sky at the moon and say hi to our loved ones I hope yul try this 😊💛🌈

[Bingofox007]

Thank you for your caring words. bless ya, sorry for your loss and thank you for sharing, you’ve got some positive things there to help, I’ll think about a lot of what you’ve said. We had a robin appear and try to get in the house a number of times soon after I lost my husband or I’d be in the garden and the robin would land about a foot away and stay with me out there. My husband would like one cigarette a day when he finished work, there’s not been any smokers in the house for ten years now but on a couple of occasions I’ve got in and the smell of cigarette smoke fills the house. Little signs he’s with me still I guess. I’ll never be without him while he’s in my heart but it feels a bit broken at the moment. It’s so comforting to speak with people like you on this forum, people who understand that the passing is only the beginning of your pain and loss. With lots of love to you and mam. Take care 🦊xx

[Hidden in reply to Bingofox007]

There's my feathers below for you

[Hidden]

I'm saving them they represent my house buy

Feathers I found

[Hidden]

Sorry it's not working properly I lost my reply to you when attached photo I found these each one in the building societys I went in on Friday I was unusually calm sorting bank stuff for last stage of house I'm buying, they were quite a way inside the door was shut, I'm so glad you have had sines I'd like to tell you more but I'm really tired so hope to chat again 🤗💛🌈🌹

[Bingofox007 in reply to Hidden]

Hi PandaJane, I hope the house buying is going smoothly and you and mam are well. I had to tell you of my sign. Today is the 10th anniversary of losing my husband, his birthday yesterday. I wasn’t too bad yesterdsy, bit wobbly today but… since he died I always have the radio on low in my bedroom overnight, I don’t like the silence as I’m a poor sleeper. Anyway, woke at half 1 am for the loo and when I came back in the bedroom This Woman’s Work by Kate Bush was on the radio, she was being interviewed on radio2 podcast thing, we had that played as a reflective piece of music at his funeral. It didn’t upset me just a bit shocked to hear it and a bit comforted by it. I told my daughter this morning as she chose that to play, she said ‘weird’. She’s ok and busy with her little family. I’m having a day home alone tidying which is what I want to do today.

Take care 🦊xx

[Hidden in reply to Bingofox007]

Hello I'm sorry for late reply I've been so tired with house move and forgot to get back to you, I'm so glad you had that sine the sines are often there but to a outsider they'd shrug it off but we know and that was a deffinate sine, I've lately had some strange presendent feelings that I've lived here before and found a coming when cleaning under wardrobe dated 1929 the house feels right and comforts me more in my beliefs, yesterday I had to go and put in for help with my council tax the lady said are you related to it was my dad's name she said I said yes my dad she said no he used to work here it's a unusual rare name in my town due to it been Irish to me it was a sine that my dad was with him, helping me be strong I've had lot to do still have no rush it's a project I'm loving but some urgent things need sorting d a p with houses, my mam's recently since I left been having a pattern butterfly stay close to her nere the kitchen door I saw it yesterday when I went just near the door it flew off , the stranges thing happend the day I moved out my stepdad grandson whom not seen since the funeral 18 half years ago appeared in the back garden age 4o with 2 children he said he'd like to come again and said he'd kept wanting to come, there was a rift with his mam so we lost touch, my mam had been a bit worried about been on her own again and this comforted her knowing my step dads still looking out for her, it's full moon today we like to look out and connect with our loved ones and say hi it's v uplifting to see hope you see it, 🤗🌹🌈xx

[Bingofox007]

thank you for sharing Speak soon. Take care 🦊xxx

[Hopingstar]

Hi

I lost my husband unexpectedly 4 months and couldn’t come of out it . The memories and trauma are making me cry and having sleepless nights . I have started working and my boys are with me which keeps me busy but I still couldn’t accept or come out .I am on 50s and going through Menopause feelings also . Just wishing and praying to get back to normal . After Seeing your message thought you are like me . Thankyou for the forum as we feel comfortable to chat with people who are going through the same feelings

[Bingofox007 in reply to Hopingstar]

hello there. I am so sorry to hear of your loss and pain but I’m glad you have found a bit of comfort here with us who really know what you’re going through. My sister lost her husband in October this year and I’ve been able to help her with getting through each day, hour and even minute at the beginning. Nothing can prepare you for those first few days of shock and disbelief and feeling of isolation and pain. Stay on this site, we’re all heading for the ‘joys of Christmas’ that really don’t exist for us much anymore. We’re gonna need each other. You take care and will keep an eye out for your posts. It’s the middle of the night that I find a lot of comfort and company on here. With love 🦊x

[Hopingstar]

Thankyou for your immediate reply which means so much to me ❤️