Grief and the New Widow

[Kaelyyna]

It's been three short months since my beloved husband passed unexpectedly. He visits me in dreams sometimes and I cherish those dreams. I found a short, sweet voice mail from him today, that I had forgotten I'd saved. It was "Hi. It's me. I love you." Best gift I've had in a long time. We always, always constantly told each other how much we loved each other, we constantly touched and kissed. We did everything together, spent every waking moment we could squeeze in, together. He was my Prince Charming and I was his Queen, his cheer leader in life.

I'm so empty, a shell of a person now. We completed one another and now I'm incomplete. My soul is broken. I miss every silly little thing and every beautiful thing about him. I miss the whole perfectly imperfect package. He was mine and I still, am his.

Grief is all encompassing. I've made it through most all the big milestones in such a short time... his death occurred two days after Thanksgiving, so Christmas, our anniversary on New Year's Eve, his birthday on January 6th, and my birthday on Valentine's Day, have all passed in such a short time. I'm not looking forward to the next holiday season. I think maybe I'll play hooky.

Thank you for sharing your beauty and your pain. You're each an inspiration. Big hugs of healing love to all. ❤❤❤

[2stroke]

Kaelyyna

They say it eases in time,but the grief i had after my wife passed away nearly 3 years ago

has not lessened,and still tears me apart often.

Good luck and best wishes for you for the future.💔💔

[Kaelyyna in reply to 2stroke]

Thank you, 2stroke. I'm very sorry for your loss and I feel every bit of your pain. Big, healing hugs for you, for both of us, dear. 💔💔

[chloe40 Administrator]

Hi Kaelyyna

Welcome to our Community, it' so lovely to have you join us.

You've been through such tragedy, I'm so very sorry, really I am {{{hugs}}} When I read of a loss such as yours, when the relationship was so beautiful, it really stings, yes of course we are all going through pain but relationships as close as yours are quite rare I think.

As you say you have passed anniversaries up to a point this past few months and in a lot of ways, I believe it has helped this time around. I do hope you have other support, family and friends who understand the pain you are going through but remember, our wonderful members are always here for you, so please do keep in touch.

Take care Kaelyyna

Chloe

[Kaelyyna in reply to chloe40]

Thank you, Chloe. I really appreciate your feedback. I have a couple of close friends and have actually experienced more loss this past year and a half than seems "fair". My mother passed in June, my father the previous July, my mother in law just a couple of months prior, in May. My step dad went into manic psychosis when mom died, my step mother is still deeply grieving the loss of my father, and I'm not at all close to my sister.

I'm working toward getting my oldest son home after being a ward of the state for the past 9.5 months, and my youngest son left for Marine boot camp on the 5th of February. I do, however, have my middle son and his partner living with me currently. They had moved in with my husband and me about three weeks before his death. If it weren't for them, I honestly don't know what would have happened to me. My level of grief, stress, trauma, depression, and anxiety is off the charts. I'm thankfully seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist, and have a Case Manager/Social Worker. It's just still very tough. I'm very glad to have found your site, as well as The Mighty, who I found your site through.

[chloe40 Administrator in reply to Kaelyyna]

That's too much grief for anyone to cope with Kaelyyna I'm glad you have your middle son and his partner with you and for the support from therapists, as well as a case worker, make the most of every little help you're offered!

It is tough but keep working towards your goals and you'll get there. Yours is a complicated grief so take one day at a time.

We're glad you found us too xx

Chloe

[Midori]

Three months is a short time for grieving; treat yourself gently and indulge your grief, don't try to shut it away or feel you should 'get over it', grief doesn't work that way, and if denied can come back and knock you off balance again at unexpected times. That's what happened to me when I lost my husband to suicide, leaving me with two very young children to bring up solo. Because of the need for me to be strong for the kids, I forced myself to cope and be strong for them, and it came back with a vengeance with deep depression, which has now eased after some time of antidepressants and mental Health treatment.

I look back at my father, who grieved for the nine years between y mother's death and his own, and I noticed that after a while, although still grieving, he became able to cope again. My aunt did the same between her husband's death and her own some 12 years later, and she too was able to enjoy life again after time. Neither my father nor my aunt hid their grief and came back in their own time without the need for medical help.

It may be their age; both were involved in WW2, my father and uncle both fighting, and my mother and aunt involved in building bombers. Perhaps the atmosphere of the war influence their attitudes; I don't know for sure, but I know they were stronger people that we appear to be nowadays.

Please don't try to rush your grief, it will ease eventually, and there is no 'one size fits all' when it comes to loss.

[Kaelyyna in reply to Midori]

Thank you, sweetheart. I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband in such a traumatic way. I can only imagine it must be much worse than what already feels like hell. I appreciate your gentle insight and your honesty. I have some pre-existing mental health issues that seem to exacerbate this grieving process. But I'm doing my best to utilize the help that I gratefully have access to.

Some days are better than others, some days much worse. Big hugs and warm thoughts. <3

[Midori in reply to Kaelyyna]

You are very welcome; I hope it is some help.

[abirke]

I think all I can do is give you a hug. B will be gone a year in about 2 weeks. I cannot believe it. All the milestones, my family and I have gone through pretty gracefully.....However, I am not looking forward to this particular "anniversary". The Morning he died was the end of 4 years of PSP. That's 4 years after diagnosis.....It probably was 10 years in total....I still sit here day after day in my house wondering what to do....I feel ashamed that that is ALL I am doing.....wasting time when I could be out there helping others.....

I am sorry for you and I know exactly how you feel....so here's my hug to you ....take care

(((HUG)))

I'm sorry if I offend you or others but as much as I seem not to, I also do remember that I can ...

Cast my burden upon the Lord, and He shall sustain me: He shall never suffer the righteous to be moved Psalm 55:22

[Kaelyyna]

You didn't offend me. ❤ Thank you. 😊 Most all I do is sit around, honestly. It shames me, too. I'm so sorry that you're hurting.

Today was a good day for me. I saw my therapist and shared this piece with him. He really liked my writing and encouraged me to write more. I gave a stranger a ride home from the therapists office and made a new friend in the process. I took myself out for lunch. I even showered this morning, and believe me, that's big for me most of the time. My depression usually affects my hygiene to a great degree. So abirke, I understand sitting around the house. I even started a load of laundry. Today has been a very good day.

Thank you so much for taking time to share with me. ❤

[Evelynarnold]

Wow!! What an amazing strong women you are. An inspiration!!! You have had so much pain and loss. I know how painful that is. I'm truly sorry for your loss. In the small hours when we lie awake ,our thoughts are stronger, and that's when we cry out. I'm glad he visits you in your dreams. He loves you still and always will.,I'm not religious, but I know we will all see out loved ones again. This keeps me strong. Life is hard and it doesn't get any easier losing loved ones does it. I hope you have some support from friends and family as it really helps. Sending you a big big hug. Your in my thoughts. Xxxxx

[Kaelyyna in reply to Evelynarnold]

Wow, thanks! I certainly don't feel strong. I feel weak and at a loss, most of the time. I really appreciate your vote of confidence, though!

He visited me again today in my dreams. Today marks three months, to the day, of his passing. I remember asking him if he knew he was gone and he did know... I don't really remember the rest of the conversation, but it was a good one. I always feel good after seeing him. I really miss him so much... he was my life and I was his... crying... Okay, I'm okay. Not much choice, I just have to be okay don't I?

I don't have a lot of close family left, but I have some friends. It's a matter of getting out of the house, making myself more available to some of these peopl, though. I'm dealing with depression, etc and don't get out of the house much. I do see a therapist, and such. I AM doing better, but you're right, losing people you love really does make it all harder.

Hugs back at you and I am here for you as well ❤ xoxo

[Evelynarnold in reply to Kaelyyna]

Yes depression and anxiety!! It's expected as we have a lot to deal with. I'm up and dressed for work, but quite honestly could happily curl up and hibernate. Everyday I put on a brave face. Not easy!! Don't beat yourself up. You are aloud to cry! Shout! scream!! We all need to vent and release the pain. Not easy I know!! I live for the day I see my loved ones again! Maybe it's not healthy. But living without them isn't healthy. Sending you strength. Regards. Xxxxxx

[jaykay777]

Yes, Kaelynna, the holidays are a bittersweet challenge.

[Lezneed2ruth]

Oh my heart hurts reading this because our family going through this grief devastating loss. My mum has lost her handsome prince, we lost him suddenly to the evils of cancer in February &

my dad's 70th was just fortnight ago

They should be celebrating their 45th anniversary September . my heartfelt hugs and thoughts I send you xx