Bereavement Care & Share
326 members446 posts

Lost my husband 20 months ago

Hi everyone, just wanted to say hello, I am a little bit nervous writing this, please bear with me. I’ve not moved on at all from the very day I lost my world (husband) still in shock or just cannot except that he has past. So very scared of the future without him. Everything seems so pointless. I’ve had councilling but it has not help me think differently or move on. My husband died of berkitts lymphoma 2nd time around but it all happened after he got into remission with a stem cell replacement which was a 100% match but he caught a infection on his lungs then everything started to go wrong from then on. I have four children who are also my world but it feels so sad for me and them. 😥

22 Replies
oldestnewest

Hi Nelly

Healing hugs to you... it all just takes so long to heal the gap and pain and love that has been taken from you.

I lost my mum 2 years ago nearly and I cry all the time as I had to watch her die horrifically at the hands of the NHS ... I also lost my dear sister so suddenly and I miss her so much and that was 2005... all the time I go to call them and it is the stabbing pain of realizing they have gone over and over so I fully understand your heartache.

I ate the cliches though... like I have said but you do have to be kind to yourself... be very kind.

Take care Nelly

Healing hugs xx

3 likes
Reply

Thank you so much for your kind words

I’m so sorry to hear about your own pain, losing them both is going to be hard, but like you said cliches are not what you would like to hear. My sister in law has also lost her mum 10 years ago now and I also lost my dad 10 years ago which was a month apart from each other. Her mum also die at the hands of the NHS. Now she has lost her brother my husband and in the same year she lost her dad, so her entire immediate family has gone. I do try to help her and she does try to help me but we are just so sad all the time. I still have my husbands ashes with me and all I wanted was to be able to lay him to rest in a cemetery near where I live but the church grounds only do community throw them all together in one plot. I wanted somewhere to go and look after his own grave and sit and talk to him, also I think my children would like to do this as well. Sorry I’m writing to much. Please take care darling and again thank you for sharing your pain with me. Lots of hugs to you xxxxx❤️

3 likes
Reply

Dear Nelly

Do you have a garden in your house...my sister took over and it was all so sad as my twin brother and I were not allowed to plan anything for our mum... we don’t even know where her ashes are.. just breaks my heart. I asked for some of her ashes as I have a lovely home in France and I wanted to plant a tree in my sisters memorial garden and know that it would be somewhere for me to go and cry and talk but she wouldn’t even let me have a handful of her ashes to put at the roots of a baby tree. Maybe you can scatter some and plant a tree on top and you know he will always be with you... or even donate a tree in a park and ask for his ashes to be put at the roots and when you visit you will see the tree growing and growing and it will always be a part of him also there for everyone to enjoy.

You say what you want... it is a place to talk ..

Healing hugs xxx

1 like
Reply

Hi Nelly66,

Never be sorry, there is no need for apologies. We are all here for each other.

I think grief and heartache are the worst. Although I haven't lost my husband, I am experiencing grief like I never felt imaginable. I totally concur with what you say and I am finding it hard to move on. Firstly my mum passed in Feb 2016 after five years of dementia that was downright cruel to see her like that. Then last year in March I lost my dad followed six weeks later with the sudden and unexpected death of my baby sister. She was my world, we were her carers and surrogate parents due to her having Down Syndrome, but to see her have a seizure and cardiac arrest in front of you was like watching someone put a gun to her head and not being able to stop them pulling the trigger. The paramedics got her heart beating again, but the damage was too severe and they turned her life support off, nearly four days later. So it was like we had lost her twice. So full of life and so much to give, I am just glad my parents had already gone and did not have to witness it.

Completely understand where you are and my love and thoughts are with you and your children. No one understands unless they experience grief and lose someone who has been your life and support and suddenly snatched from you. I think it is the loneliness that you feel even with people surrounding you is the worst. Knowing that you will never see them again on earth.

People say time is a great healer, but I disagree.

Always here and take care

:) x

3 likes
Reply

Heart breaking ...

Healing hugs xx

3 likes
Reply

Hi Nelly66,

I'm so so sorry to hear you have had such a hard time, grief is a terrible thing!!! I too lost my husband about 20 months ago and my fibromyalgia and mobility have got so much worse and I just can't do the things I used to and it is so frustrating. I felt worse grief wise this Christmas/New Year oddly enough, more than I did last year.

Losing your best friend in life is the worst feeling ever! and you don't know how bad it is until you experience it for yourself. I have so many friends who are widows and never realised how bad it was.

My husband had leukaemia and Renal Cancer which spread into his lungs. He was a fantastic patient throughout the 3 years of his illness and never complained, worried more about me looking after him, but he was a pleasure to look after.

I too had counselling but to be honest I can talk to my family and my friends about anything and they see me cry fairly often ,so I felt counselling was just like sitting talking to a friend and don't really feel it made much difference. They say time heals but at this time in my life and no doubt you feel the same ,it seems as if this pain/ache inside will never leave me.

I live on my own now though my family are good and visit ,but this has been hard to get used to also especially when during flare-ups and I have to take to bed with no one to even get you a drink. I try to be as independent as I can inspite of my pain and walking issues ,and as my family are all working I only bother them when I have too.

It is a blessing that you have four of a family and I am sure as with my own family that they will be grieving too, but mine (all men now) don't show it the same, but they do talk about their Dad a lot of the time as I do. I have a friend who can't talk about her husband, but I talk as if he is still here and am happy to talk about him.

I try to take one day at at time and try to keep as busy as much as the fibro allows and fill in my day though any hobbies I had are difficult to do now. I don't believe I will ever get over this and have lost a few family members over the years. My husband used to say "there is always someone worse off than yourself" and I try to think about that when I am feeling very down and it is true.

I hope as time goes on the heartache will get a bit easier and I always say "we carry them in our hearts everyday" I wish you and your family well and I hope together you will get the strength to get through this though I know we will never forget.

Sending healing hugs, God Bless Xx

2 likes
Reply

I really wanted to say thank you and also you have and are still going through some tough times. I really can relate to Christmas it was Very hard this year. I cannot remember the year before and nor can my son. I’m still very much as if it happened yesterday. I also hope that you will find comfort in talking to us on here, giving you big hugs and kisses. We will never forget xxxxxxx

1 like
Reply

Hello there Nelly66

Welcome to our Community.

Please don't be nervous, we're a really helpful, friendly bunch who have all experienced the loss of a loved one.

I'm really sorry for the loss of your dear husband after such a battle. You don't say how long ago you lost him but I am assuming from your post that it was a while ago but somehow I get the impression it was not that long ago.

Nelly, have you tried contacting a local Bereavement support group? they often visit you at home and this may prove helpful with four children. Grief is such a painful process and takes much longer to come to terms with than we think but at some point you will start to feel more in control and able to move forward. Until then, ask any of our friends here for support, we care about you!

We're always here for you and please drop in anytime at all.

Chloe

1 like
Reply

Thank you chloe40 for your support. My husband had cancer for 26 years in all. First time was Hodgkin when he was 24 then three years later he got it back again. Then 13 years later he got berkitt lymphoma, which the doctors and A&E nearly killed him then by not diagnosing it earlier, 5 months of to and from the doctors and A&E, dismissing the fact that he had previous Hodgkins. When they eventually gave him a CT scan he had a tumour behind the nose and a tumour in the stomach and bowl which had cut the supply to bowl and only thing that I shouted about when I had not known what exactly it could be was when he was being sick which was black and a lot of it. In fact every 20 mins for weeks. So I had to fight for his life.

This time he got it back again which he was not supposed to have back impossible the the doctors said but he did. His own body changed it slightly apparently. Once they got him back into remission a Stem Cell replacement was his only hope of it never coming back so we agreed to go ahead. Not really knowing how dangerous this could be. His whole immune system was taken away to be replaced with another persons, 100% match. He developed a infection on his lungs and from then on things just got worse and worse. They put him in ICU with a tube so they could help him breath he was put to sleep for a few days then he would not wake up and told us that he had brain damage and he would not be able to do anything. I had to take the two youngest children to say goodbye, that was so emotional, heartbreaking watching my kids sob their hearts out 😥, then he did wake up with no brain damage and seemed to be getting better but then he caught another infection and his kidneys were not working properly also at the beginning-of icu they said he also had ARDS which is a syndrome not a disease. So I agreed to an experiment, but unfortunately he only got the placebo drug and not the real drug because it was still on trial . I’m so grateful of being on this community. Thank you again xxxxxxxxxxxxx❤️❤️

1 like
Reply

Hello Nelly66

What shock and trauma you and your children have suffered, this is one of the longest, most painful traumas I have heard and I'm so very sorry you have endured it.

After suffering so long yourself Nelly and it is your suffering too, you need a great deal of TLC and I do hope that you have supportive friends and close family to lean on. I'm not going to lie to you Nelly, having been through this awful experience it is going to take a good deal of time to feel anywhere near normal whatever that is, but I just hope that you will find some comfort here and slowly you will find some confidence to face the future.

I am hoping that by writing your thoughts here, you will find relief in sharing grief together.

Always here for you.

Chloe

1 like
Reply

Thank you chloe40 I also hope I can help others too. I also know that others have suffered and are going through pain like myself and also even more. I have never felt like this before having so much love and hugs from you all. I give the same back to all of you HUGS and BIG KISSES xxxxx again thank you for your support xxx

2 likes
Reply

I'm so glad Nelly66 we all need each other!

{{{strength & love}}} to you always.

Chloe x

2 likes
Reply

p.s. Nelly have just read another of your replies. Myself and my husband are Roman Catholics and throughout my husband illness he spoke about his wishes when he passed away. Both of us discussed his funeral mass, and he always said he wanted to be cremated then his ashes buried (were I will go eventually). My husband was well known and he had a huge funeral standing room only.

Myself and the family had picked a plot in the cemetery and when we got my husband's ashes our lovely Fr.John did such a personal service where immediate family and close friends were invited and I was able to place his ashes into the plot. We had a headstone erected a few months later, and go and visit often ,it does give a little comfort I feel and I know my sons go and visit and look after things. We live outside Glasgow so I'm not sure how burials go in other parts of the country, though I have relatives who are not Catholic and bought a plot and their loved ones ashes are buried there so it may be worth finding out.

hugs Xx

1 like
Reply

Thank you xxxx

1 like
Reply

I thank you for all your help and I am going to look into laying my husband to rest this year xxxxx I hope you are ok if you need support I’m here XXX ❤️

2 likes
Reply

Thank you 1499 I will look again into this. It will mean going to another cemetery in a different town and not in the place which I live. Which breaks my heart because I wanted him near me xxxx The church that we got married in is the one that only does communal scattering of ashes in one big square plot as I live in a village. Thank you again for your support xxxxxx

1 like
Reply

God Bless x

1 like
Reply

Nelly66.

I .can so understand how you feel. I lost my darling wife almost 3 years ago and cannot accept she's gone forever,or that I'll never see her again.

With- in 3 months of losing her I had a stroke,which left me with minor handicaps.

I so hope you can see some goodness in your future life,even though its without him.

Good luck and best wishes..you're not on your own.😢😢💔💔💔

Reply

Thank you 2stroke, it would be the silliest things and many things in a day that I still find hard eg. Taking the dog for a walk and remembering about the fun loving talks we had, that makes me sad. I know I’ll cherish all the beautiful things we did together and all of the memories in time and I might even smile when I think of them.

I needed to tell someone about that xxxxx

Thank you again 2stroke🙂🙂

Reply

I'm so sorry to hear this. I lost my partner, my man almost nine months ago from cancer. I find it hard to touch his things.

Reply

Bless you, so sorry to hear that, its so hard, I have many many things I have not touched as well, but I know they are there which I am going to leave there, until I feel ready to do something. Please do not stress about how long or when, you will know when , when your ready. We will look after you on here, please keep talking to us, I find it helps me. Take care xxxxxxx

1 like
Reply

I am shocked to hear the stories tumbling out of this thread of the blog- and ohh soo sad- I am really having trouble seeing the keys through my tears- there is documented evidence of prayer affecting the prayed for in strong powerful ways..You are in my prayers for power to get strong and refreshed after all of this agony

I have fibro too..Lately I take Serrapeptase and it helps a great deal with pain- it eats inflammation, and any excess proteins in you like arterial plaque and cyst etc.. I take 4 or 5 120,000 su(60 mg) capsules a day you can take up to 1,000,000 su's /day safely there is no toxic dose it is natural- it needs to be on an empty stomach so I take it when I wake up to pee at night..makes to waking up less creaky ! It is what silkworms excrete to dissolve their cocoons when ready it has been used for 20-25 yrs now- since it is natural it is not a Big Pharma advertising product ( they can't copyright it ) so it isn't widely used,it should be, as it is amazing..Shop around at this dose I can get it for $25/mo...but also as much as $60/mo,It is best enteric coated but there is some debate re the plastic used to make the coatings and since the issue is inflammation why eat plastic ?

I also take a giant Tablespoon of turmeric with some ground black pepper mixed in so it looks and tastes visible..mix it into 1/3 cup hot water and gulp it down... 20 minutes later pain relieved-esp atmospheric /barometric caused pain -like from bad weather- which no narcotics can lessen pain from..

Also can't say enough enough about hydro therapy- have you ever felt worse after a bath/shower/swim ?? And the under supply of magnesium in our day to day diets,A bath with 2 cups of epsom salts in it is a pain reducing miracle.

-.I sometimes make a packet/bindle out of a washcloth and put a handful of epsom salts into the centre and gather up the edges...water on it just enough to wetten the salts and apply directly to the pain site- almost immediate relief...

..and you can make a saturated solution with same ..2 tablespoons hot water and one tablespoon of Epsom salts grind and dissolve solids and paint the areas of pain on your body with a paintbrush... feel the pain go..repeat every 4 hours if needed..I do this after a shower sometimes and I am good for a half day almost pain free dries white powderish on the skin so watch out with dark fabrics

Sorry to have gotten so carried away with pain stuff-

(oh and make sure you take a high potency B vitamins tablet daily- one of the family is called the happy vitamin and it does elevate the mood- lack of it is depression all the B's in 50 mg dose or higher - but 50mg is sufficient)

But the self care is paramount in feeling better- and in our case feeling worse physically is not life affirming at all I wish to be able bodied and to be able to go to work again like crazy..

Do you like to read ? Good escape route- when all physical stuff impossible I try to write poems, work on em repeatedly til I get it how I like it- have a sheaf of 'in process poems' for those restricted days- at least I get some acctomplishment feeling from that

Gotta fly I hope I inspired some hope and food for thought and action- be a great mom- to yourself!! Love, Jen XX

1 like
Reply

You may also like...