Do you believe that loss is a natural phenomenon and as such....

[chloe40]

Grief is also a natural process that we should 'just cope with' ourselves?

I'm really interested in your thoughts please, Thank you!

Chloe <3

[Greyone]

No. I lost my mum because of dementia. I cannot think of that as natural because we know so little and it hastened her passing. I think that my grief is a natural process brought on by her unnatural decline and so in truth may not be entirely natural but i will not contest the difference.

I have learnt that i know very little about death & loss & grief and that we need something to call upon when we lose someone that we still sadly lack in this country. To be the next best thing is comfort from those who have experienced the same loss. Such as us.

I await with interest the views of others on this question.

[chloe40 Administrator in reply to Greyone]

Thank you Greyone I really appreciate your thoughts and totally understand your way of thinking.

Yes, it is an interesting question and something I have recently covered in my studies, so I wanted to see how you and others felt about that, thanks again <3

[KT22]

For my husband it wasn’t a natural process...it was hastened by negligence from the hospital. I found this incredibly hard to accept & my grief isn’t easing with time. My husband was too young, there is so much he’s missing out on.On the other hand my Mum was in her late 80s & was a more natural process, she said she’d had a good life, done everything she wanted to do, seen her grandchildren grow up & was more than ready to join my Dad. Although my grief was raw & I was devastated Mum lived with us for 15 years I accepted it .

[chloe40 Administrator in reply to KT22]

Thank you KT22 It is clear to see the differences and I thank you for sharing this, it must be very difficult for you <3

[GoGo_JoJo]

It is... and it isn't. There is no doubt that death and loss is very much part of life however culturally we don't prepare ourselves or our young for how to deal with death.

We don't like to discuss it, even when we should. Other cultures include their dead in everyday talk and are much more prepared for their losses and don't feel the same level of "separateness" after their loved ones have passed on.

I think with the way we are so unprepared for these losses it's perfectly natural that we need outside help to accept and learn to deal with both the practical, and emotional issues raised.

Those people who are better with the concept of acceptance I think find it all much easier. Again, I feel it's a very cultural/societal issue that we feel so abandoned/alone/bereft and cannot process the stages. The loss of community is a big one, people who feel they are part of a larger group or community experiencing the same grief definitely have advantages over those without much of a support network or feelings of isolation.

I found statistics helpful when trying to shake my mother from her egocentric wallowing, believing herself to be the one mourner suffering from my Father's death (my own grief couldn't possibly count of course). In any ordinary day of any ordinary year 150,000 people die every day. Just think how many people are mourning those losses daily, trying their best to deal with all the aspects associated. I found that sobering and it did help me to feel far less alone in my own grief.

I truly believe we should be far better prepared for both the emotional and practical issues from a much younger age, in the same way youngsters should know how to run a home, they should have a better understanding of how to cope with loss. Just look at the number of parents who won't even explain the death of a pet, but would rather just quickly replace the missing animal as if we can just replace the bonds of love...

Even now, having seen me deal with the early (56/62) deaths of my Dad and Mother my husband absolutely does not want to discuss practical issues with his parents who are well into their 70s with poor health. This "head in sand" approach just makes everything worse in the long run. 🤷‍♀️

[Hidden in reply to GoGo_JoJo]

Back in 2019 when I was going through a hard time I got told by my mother she wasn't going to support me due to my father having incurable cancer and that had really hurt!

Then the other week she got jealous and nasty all because myself and my husband had ordered sweet items from a local dessert parlour for his 50th, myself and my sister in law having our usual Sunday video call over lunch that week, my usual Friday night video call with my friends as well and annoyed because I was still doing walking outside even though the local streets and parks were like ice rinks!

I think it's pathetic the petty things nasty people lash out over and it's just a symptom of a deeper problem nothing to do with the stupid petty things like too many video calls!

My friends said how that attitude is just jealousy and selfishness at the end of the day.

[GoGo_JoJo in reply to Hidden]

It is definitely a symptom of deeper issues, sadly often not something that can be changed (very rare that these people will acknowledge these issues and really want to change). It can certainly help to recognise this however. It certainly stopped me from going round the twist and questioning myself over and over. The gaslighting, if started in childhood, is really hard to break free of. 👎🏻😔

[Hidden in reply to GoGo_JoJo]

Yesterday myself and my friends all saw the funny side of things and laughed together and said how if it didn't happen to us it would be funny as yes when you look at the silly things that set them off its nothing to do with those themselves and my friends said how people like that are angry people and the slightest little thing sets them off and how if you don't know what's happening its damaging and with children a form of child abuse.

[GoGo_JoJo in reply to Hidden]

It's extremely damaging. It took me a long time to undo a lot of the damage and even as an aware adult it only took 24hrs in her company to reawaken that programming and almost undo decades of hard work. I don't blame her completely anymore as she was a product of her own dysfunctional childhood and sadly I see the same patterns in my cousins children. That's the worst part; without intervention these patterns usually continue for 8 generations before naturally dissipating.

[chloe40 Administrator]

Thank you so much GoGo_JoJo

You’ve really summed up my thoughts perfectly!

Thank you for sharing your thoughts <3